The new year...

My baby hopefully will be home tomorrow!

He has slept for almost 24 hours as usual...and they take
the tests the always take...as usual.
Tonight JanE and I came to visit ...and he was awake
but tired and a bit down...
Understandable...since they was suposed to not happen anymore..
and they still dont know why they do.

I can only hope and pray that he will get to come home in the morning.
I feel lost without him...and I miss having the rest of my family around..
I get lonely...it is not the same with the nurses...

Rein and his buddy came this afternoon and they are staying the night..
probebly cause they wont let me spend the night alone.
But I don't mind sleeping alone...Trine is just a phonecall away
so I feel safe.

As the year comes to and end I must say that I feel lucky to be around
for 2010...It could just as well have been the other way around.
So I only has one goal for the new year...to keep myself alive.
And live one day at the time...oh, that was two...
Well then ...make it three....I want my love to stay alive and well too...

Happy New year!

The end of a perfect day...

Ended with Sander having an attack...
We had a wonderful evening...just the two of us
making love in front of the livingroom fire...

And at some point I must have fallen asleep...
and when I woke up Sander was not there.
I ran downstairs and almost tripped over him
laying on the floor outside the bathroomdoor
He was not concius...and the rest of the details you already know'
from previus bloggs...
Poor Sander..

I called our Doc,(who was not in), the ambulance, and Trine...
she came first... and helped to clean him
and get some clothes on him. He woke
up shivering with pain ...unable to speak
and just crying like a baby.

Trine and me both went in to hospital with him and
took a taxi home in the middle of the night.
I am so glad she lives so near me...she is so calm
and clever and has an instant calming effect on me too.

Today I feel lonely and tired...and I hope to have him home
before newyears eve...but I dont know yet..:(

And I blame myself cause I did'nt see it coming...

Good to be back home...

We are home again after some days in the country.
It is good to be back home...even if it was very nice to
be with the family too..

I was meant to go in for draining today...but I refused.
I want this week to be good..to have a break from the
pain. I think I deserve it..
Sander and me are gonna be all alone tonight and I am realy looking
forward to it...we have given the nursingstaff the night of and intend
to have quiet evening in front of the fireplace...indulging in
chinese takeaway and each other..:)

Our part of the world looks like a perfect christmascard now...it is absolutely beautiful outside.
With half a meter of snow and icecold, starry nights.
We do realy live in a winter wonderland.
And I think I could'nt realy live nowhere else on earth.
We are so lucky to have the seasons change so much.
I could never have a green christmas...

Love Ravn

Merry xmas!!

A very merry Christmas to u all this christmasday.

I am home and alive...u wont get rid of me that easy.
We r out on the farm celebrating with Granny
and the rest of the family.

The snow is falling, and we have a great time.
I am a bit tired still...so I tend to sleep alot..
else the pain is bearable ...and my spirit is good.

Love Ravn

Update 11-12...

He is getting a little better.
And we can all relax once again.
Lasse came to stay with me this week.
He has been greate company as usual to both me and Ravn too..
And I shall realy miss him when he goes back home next week.
We hope to have Ravn home sometime by then too..

Sander.

Update 7-12...

This is not looking good...I don't realy know what to write.
He is very ill...and there realy is not much to do but wait..
Something is realy wrong...but what?
They can't find out...and in the mean time he is wasting
away before my eyes...

Sander.

Update 4-12..

Ravn is still in hospital.
The pain wont go away, but there is no sign of inflamation
this time. It seems like his body can't tolerate any more pain
or something. I am realy worried for him.

Sander.

Again..

Iver is doing fine...
Ravn is back in hospital..due to the draining once more..

Sander

Poor Iver..

Iver's got the svineflu!
Granny is realy worried about him now cause his fever is way to high.
Later on today the Doc will come to se him to decide if he need to
be in hospital.

Sander and I have gotten our flu-shots.
But the rest of the farm population has not....
So there's a risk more of them will get sick

So far his boyfriend seems ok...but only time will tell.

Poor,sweet Iver..

Life on the farm...

We have spent the weekend out on the farm.
The weather has been lousy, but we still had a good time.
Waking over the meadows with Ola ...and breathing the fresh country air.
We have stayed with Granny and Iver in the small house...the main house is full at the moment.
And the guest acomandations in the atick is not ready for use yet.
Besides on or two of the "bad boys" living there are real homophobic...so no need to
be in their face all the time.

Granny came and drove us out on the farm late on Friday. I think she worry
about me. Cause I am feeling down. And it was realy nice with a change
of invironment for a while. It was nice beeing with Iver and his sweet boyfriend too.
And of cause beeing with Mom and Stephan.

I am still in pain, but I think the change of invironment made me feel better.
Beeing around people and animals helps too...and makes me forget my own pain a bit.
I have slept like a log...and I have eaten Grannys wonderful cooking.
At least I am less depressed now....for the time beeing.
But I miss the farm already...

And I am NOT going in to drain tomorrow...lucky me!

Home

I am back home...
Tired as hell ,but happy to be here.

I have been in severe pain for sevral days.
And if somebody had given me a loaded gun by then
I would not have hesetated to use it.
I am not painless...but a bit better.
And it is good to be home in my own bed.

I feel more and more the strain from beeing in pain most of the time.
I am just so damned tired of everything...and nothing seemes fun
or cool anymore. I just want to sleep and be nobody...


"And when u arrive...the dead woman says
I will wait for u in the dizzy drive..
Behind the sea,the heaven and the wind..
And there both of us shall be
eternaly nobody"

Hospital

The draining this week went realy shitty.
And Ravn is back in hospital after living with
terrible pain for two days.

He is on the mend now and will probebly be home
Monday or Tuesday.

Sander

Halloween..

The svineflu is fastening its grip on Norway.
And so far 14 people have died here. Sander and me will get our flu-shotts
next week. Hopefully it will keep us healty throug the winter.

We have had a fun Halloween, with trickers and treaters on our door constantly.
And Trine dressed Milla up as the worlds cutes little bunnyrabbit!

Sander has been dressed up as Jack Sparrow...and I have been a vampire :)
Spending most of the night chasing him around...I catched him at last....
And the evening ended with Mr Sparrow beeing fucked by a vampire...hehe
Now he is sound asleep...eyepatch and all...

And I will rest too...
So I bid you all a good night.


Love...

Again

And so it happened again.
Sander got another attack.

He is home again now...and doing ok I guess, but he is silent
and I guess sad and scared.
This is not suposed to happen...not any more..

Life semes to pass by us. I think we miss beeing part of a family.
The house feels deserted sometimes
with only us and one of our nurses present.
It was easier to keep up with the real world when
we lived with people moving around in it every day.
Trine stops by, and Jan E from time to time...but Rein forinstance
most of the time goes out to the farm rather than come to us.

I wish life was more than this...realy
I do...

Goodnight all...

I have two days in pure hell behind me
after the draining on Monday...
Somehow they tend to hurt more and more..
Or maybe it is me who is getting more fragile.
Today I have been dead tired and grumpy!
With no desire to do anything other than grump
on my own. Sander and one of our nurses went
to Oslo to get some shopping done and I spent the day
in my own gloomy company.

But in the afternoon Trine and Milla came by...and my mood changed.
Millas sweet face lifts my spirit anytime I see it!
Now...she has turned in to a real rascal ...and I just love it!
Even if it means running after her most of the time so she wont ¨
get herself into trouble.
Sometime after they had left. Sander and Tim came home and Sander
colapsed on the bed. He is still there in the matter of fackt.
Sleeping with all his clothes on...lol
So I think now is the time to undress him...and myself
and crawl into bed beside his warm body...mmmm
Goodnight all!

Love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F97is-K4n8

I am here!

I am sorry..I have nothing to write about these days.
Life goes on in the usual way.

Some days are fairly good...some are hellish.
Neither of us is in greate shape.
The fall is realy hitting on us now...and this year I hate it.
I had such a lousy summer,
and now I have to wait for months for the warmt
to come back.

Sander is already asleep..he's had a rough day.
And I have been worried that he might get another of his atacks...
but nothing has happened yet.
I think I will join him and sleep my own pain away if I can.

Goodnight to u all...
I have'nt forgotten u...I am just beeing boring.

Love..

Iver is here...

They did not find anything wrong this time...
wonder what they are up to...
Stupid Doctors!
Sander will come home tomorrow!

Iver is staying with us this week. The schools are on fall-brake.
It is very nice to have him here even if he is on the cellphone smsing
with his boyfrien most of the time.
He is up in the mountains with his parents and they miss each other.
It is realy verry cute. I have seen his picture and he is realy adorable.
Beeing half Norwegian and half latino.
And you should all se the way Ivers eyes glow when he talkes about him.
Aaaaawwww...

I hope this love will last...I realy do..
But they are only 16....

Heck! I was 16 when I met Sander!
And we did last! :D

Old wounds and new times..

Sander is back in hospital.
He went in for a control this morning and
they was not pleased with one of his tests.
So he has to do new ones..neither of us is quite clear on why
and wich tests yet.

I was in to see him this evening...luckily our nurses
can drive. So Tim took me there.
It feels great to have my own private driver!
Sander seemed ok...but I don't know realy..
and yes, Dan! I gave him a kiss and a hug from you!

I am not sure that I have mentioned that Iver has gotten himself
a boy-friend! He is a boy from his class at school...and I havent seen
him..but acording to Granny he is "cute as a button"
I do hope it is for real...I don't want anybody to mess around
with him.

Oh, and I am realy glad of the resolution made in UN today...
The world does'nt need nuclear weapons...no way!
I hope we are heading for new times now...

I give u Eric Bye...he died some years ago but I loved him very much...
the song is about how u can have a good time even if u hit rock bottom..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JafWTmvnxkQ&feature=related

Two days in hell...

Well, what do you know!...I had to go in to drain on Monday after all....
That was not acording to my plan :(

So I just had two days in hell. Thinking that if the pain
gets any worse ...I'd rather want them to kill me the next time.

This morning I feel a bit better, but far from good.
Still I have to try to eat something,
and drag my beat up body out of bed.
There is sunshine outside, and my love is singing
in the shower....so maybe after all this will
be a good day.

love t u all..

Pain..

I woke up at 6am. The pain was to bad to sleep anymore.
I gulped down two painkillers and lay shivering in my bed
waiting for them to kick in and trrying not to wake Sander.

Now most of the pain is gone, but not totally.
That means this day will bbe rough.
And that we probebly has to cansel our plans
of going out to the farm. Fuck..
I know Sander was looking forward to it.
Oh...but right this moment he woke too..
and I can tell he is realy in pain too

He is silent and depressed since the attac.
And not very talkative.
I get sad waching him struggle to get out of bed.
He bites his lips and grabs his cane heading for the bathroom
and his painmedication I presume.
So I will stopp writing now and take care of my love.
I wanna hold him in my arms and kiss his pain away.
If only I could...

Everyday-life...

I guess we have esablished some sort of normal daily life now..
The nurses has settled and Sander is home again.

Everyday-life is a little strange with a stranger round the house most of the time,
but it feels somewhat safe too, and it feels good
that we don't have to bother anybody else for help anymore.

They had a bit of a rough start ..taking care of me after "the draining from hell"
But I must say all of them stood to the test!
They did'nt fuss to much, and made no big deal out of me puking my guts out.
I am so grateful that i only have to drain once a month
for the time beeing. It gives me time to mend properly inbetween them.

Autumn has come to our little town and we have already had our first night
with grades belove zero...but the days are still mild and sunny,
and have kept us buissy in the garden preparing it for the winter.

My pain is sort of chronic now...
but most of the time I can live with it.
But some days are rough on me...

I try to live one day at the time and don't plan to much ahead.
Cause you never know if tomorrow realy comes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPGPeduwfE4

Back to "the good old days"

And so we are back to base 1
Sander has not gotten rid of the attacks,
and I am going in to drain on Monday...

For a start I will be doing it once a month..
Then we'll se what happens.
I can't say I look forward to it.

Well have now officially became a small nurses-station.
From this Monday on we will have three mail nurses
going on shift from 8 am to midnight.
Then Trine takes over as our "call-for" nightnurse.
It's gonna be a bit weired to have total strangers in
the house at all hours, but at least it is gonna take a load
of our family. (it will certanly cramp our sexlife)
But allas we made sure they where ok with the fackt that we are
gay and found out that two of them where too.
And the third did'nt mind.

So let the show begin on monday..with me at my most charming
behaveior.Puking and passing out from draining...hehe

Testing-testing..

They run theese damnd tests on him again..
Like they have done a million times before...what's the use?
They know they can't operate on him again..
and they know now that this is gonna be a lasting problem.
So i think they should leave him be.
Let him come home and just maybe the attacks wont come so often as they used to
maybe this was a one time only?

I am trying to be positiv...I own it to him to be.
We can still have a good life...and we have to make the most
of the days we have together...because no one realy knows
how many of them we got left ...

I know by now that I probebly wont make it through another inflamation..
Thats a sad fact..but it also seems the surgery they did to my prostate has
made me better. So I try to look at life with optimism.
(I said TRY...I don't always manage to do so)

I feel lonely in this empty house whitout Sander..
My life consists in vissiting him at hospital in the evenings.
Cysexing all night and sleeping all day...I am a pig!

Oink!

Fake..

He is awake when I come.
His face just as white as his pillow.
He is trying to smile at me...trying to be brave.
I am too..but all I realy want to do is to throw myself into
his bed and sob.

I dont want him to be brave. I want him to open up now...or
else I think he might end up in psyk. again..
He needs to scream and curse and cry...but as far as
I know he has not done any of those...
He fakes a smile and pretend nothing has happened.
And my heart bleeds for him...but I too put on this
stupid happyface..and hates myself for doing so..

This is so hard..I don't know what to do
and life feels so fragile right now..

Alone in the night...

Can't sleep.
I could'nt sleep last night,
and I do not know if i can now either..
I worry for him so much. Why the hell did this have to happen again?
He was suposed to be ok now!! And this was his last chance to get rid of the attacks.
They can't operate on him again now...
I wonder how he is gonna take this?

I sort of knew something would happen...he did'nt feel good the last week or so
and it might have been a sort of build up to the attack.

Fuck, did'nt think I had more tears left, but here they come again..

Screaming at God...

Everything went real well...
And then he had to get an attack..

This was not suposed to happen...he was suposed to be ok after his last surgery..
But he was not..and last night it did strike again.
It is so fucking unfair!! I have been screaming at God all morning..
No I am just sad and tired..
He wont listen..

He never cares..

Life goes on...

The days go by, and I am day by day working to get my strenght back.
The scary part is I have discovered there is a lot of gapes in my memory.
Trivial things that I have forgotten.
They say it comes from beeing held unconcious for so long,
but still.....It is kind of scary.

Sander and me has set up house in ma and Stephans old bedroom upstairs for the time beeing.
He is still in need of a cane for walking
and that way he only has to bother with one flight of stairs.
Upp to the livingroom.
But we realy do need to have an internettcable but in the beedroom.
As it is now we spend little time online cause the computer may only be used downstairs
or up in the livingroom.

Grandma and Iver is staying with us. I expect them to go back to the farm nex week.
Because Iver is starting school on the 18th.
Next week we start the whole proces of intervjuing nurses again.
So hopefully we will find one or two who will work here from the start of September.
And Trine will be our "on call" nightnurse.

It is going to be strange and wonderful to have this place all to ourselves.
And we have already discovered that the upstairs bedroom don't have a soundproof
ceeling like we are used to have downstairs. (Sorry Iver)
I still have to be a bit carefull with sex, but oh....it is hard not to indulge.
When I have the worlds most wonderful creature in my bed....

Love Ravn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrhII_AOK_M

Hi all !

Yes I am home and alive !!

Tired, longhaired, far to thin, still in some pain but alive....
and it feels great to be home with Sander again.
No need to say this year has been the worst in my life so far.
I feel like I have missed most of it. And summer seems to be over
cause we are having a real autumn storm as I write...

I will try and an focus now on eating,exercising
and resting my way back to life.
Thank u for careing and I hope to chatt with
some of you on msn.

Love Ravn

Home!

He is home!
And for the first time we live in the house (our house)
by ourselves.

We have moved up to the main bedroom for the time beeing.
That way we dont have to bother with the stairs.
I still walk with a cane for suport, and it seems I might
have to continue to do so.
Ravn is tired but happy to be home. And today Granny and
Iver are coming to stay for a couple of days. And tomorrow
Lasse is going home:(
Ravn says hi to you all, and he will soon be back blogging.
So this is goodbye from me as well.
Thanks for all suport!
Stick around!

Sander.

Update Thursday...

There are not much to write about. Ravn is slowly recovering.
He had a fever, but it went away again.
We try to get him to eat more...
and we buy tons of fruit and candybars to try and tempt him.

When Lasse came he got a shadow of a smile, but today Trine
brought Milla, and she got the first big hearty one when she reaced out
to hug him.

Maybe we will have him home during next week!

Sander.

Update Wednesday...

Little by little Ravn is recovering with babysteps.
He is still in pain from the surgery, but needs a little less medication now.

Iver had his 16 birthday the 4th of July!

Everybody is out on the farm these days but me.
I sleep, eat and sitt with Ravn.

And anytime now Trine and I will go to the airport
to pick up my friend Lasse! Arn did not feel fit for travelling this time,
but he might come later if he feels any better.

Ravn says Hi to all of u..and a special Hi to Dan for keeping me company
on MSN!

Sander.

Update Thursday...

Ravn has been awake...but he is still in major pain from
the surgery. We don't know if it has been a success yet..
Only time will tell wether the infections comes back or not.

About the impotence...well, thats not
gonna happen. :D
He has erections in his sleep all the time..lol..:D

I haven't been able to see him as much as I want these past days.
I have been a bit tired and so my pain has increased to the point
where I can,t pretend not to hurt,
and so granny refuses me to go.

(Yes, Dan. I do admitt it. I am
in pain and it sucks)

Sander.

Update Saturday..

Sander has worn himself out compleatly.
He has now been asleep for almost 24 hours on and of
and he is in pain all though he wont admit as usual.

Ravn is still kept asleep in the hospital.
They keep saying he is stable and he has no fever to speak of
we wont know more until they decide to let him wake up
wich might be on Monday.

We have a heatwave in Norway at the moment and me and Granny
has put up a splashpool in the garden:D

Iver.

Update Wednesday...

Ravn had his surgery yesterday.
He was on the table for about 7 hours.
They wont say yet how they think it worked out.
Sander said yesteday that they seemed a little unsure of the results.
But that Ravn is stable now and kept asleep.

Sander has been with him all the time. Ravns dad came down yesterday, but Ravn
wanted only Sander,Granny and Trine to be there.

Iver.

Update Sunday ...

The German urologist has decided to try and operate on Ravn.
He had prefered to move him to Germany, but he is not strong enough.
So there will come a German team here on tuesday and do it.

They will try to sort of rinse out both his prostate and testickles...and the outcome is
unsure. As is his ability to have erections afterwards...
But there realy is no other way now.

Sander.

Update Wednesday...

I don't know what to write.
I wish I had some good news for you, but I don't.
Ravn is still in hospital and he is getting weaker .
It looks like he has no strength to fight this anymore,
and I can't fight this battle for him.
Belive me! I would if I could!
The doctors has no idea what to do anylonger
they can just try and ease his pain.

There is a Doctor coming from Germany today,
he is suposed to be the leading urologist in Europe.
He is our last hope now.

Sander.

Update Thursday..

Ravn is in hospital again.
They try to ease his pain.

More later.

Sander.

Update tuesday 9th.

Ravn is to tired and weak from pain to write.
He was in yesterday for his weekly draining, and it realy wears him out now.

He has asked me to write to say he is deeply moved by your consern for him.
And he hopes to soon be able to enjoy writing and blogging again.
And he misses to chat with you all.

Sander.

Selfpity...

I feel sort of empty these days.
I don't have much to write about.

Everybody keeps going on and on about what I should eat and drink...
how I should rebuild my body,
strenghten my imunesystem, live my life... aso.
It is driving me mad..

The summer seem to be put on hold.
The days have been cold now and it rains.
Suits my mood...I admit ..I am depressed.
I have a realy hard time seeing whats the fucking point
with this thing caled life.
I am realy tired of it. I am sorry...I honestly am..

It must be a thousand years since the endless,
happy chain of unused summerdays
lay streched out before me ...for me to fill with anything I wanted.
Before returning school late in august...content, ready for a fresh go.

I spend my days walking from my bed up to the sofa
in the livingroom or out to the hammock on the sundeck.
And I sleep my life away.
The pain medication keeps me from reading or doing anything worth while...
I can't focus.

Ok I am basking in selfpity...
I hate this..

The healing sleep..

We are both so very tired. And I can read the pain in Sanders face
as he surely can in mine. We have had a beautiful summer day here..
but we have been downstairs in our cool bedroom sleeping it away.
Just laying there holding each other ...and sleept, healed, trying to gain strenght again.
It feels so good to be so close..we dont have to talk. The feel of each others bodys
is so comforting and calming...
Only bother these days is I need to "drain" at least once a day...docters order...
but It hurts and I can't say I am my usuall horny self...but with Sanders loving help I do ok..
and I love to give back...no matter what shape I am in I just love to watch him
let go of the controll..and surender...

The days float by in one big lump...I am a bit depressed and sad..
over what I can't say for sure...maybe it is a just a feel of life passing me by.
Of not beeing able to partisipate...

Or knowing that it might be the last summer.


We are both going in to hospital tomorrow for checkups...and then hopefully
we will take Iver home with us.


A Norwegian lullaby to the town Trondhjem...where my dad lives...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RVkIEEETgc

Late in the evening...

It has been such a strange thing...
When I went in to hospital it was still some snow on the gound..
and now it is suddenly summer!! Today was warm as mid July
and I have been camping outside in the hamock....
with a cotton blanket and cold drinks.
I still sleep and hurt most of the time,
but I can apreciate the feel of warm wind on my body.

My illness has taken a turn for the worse this time, and the Docs
is trying to come up with something clever
to try and stop my inflametions from coming back.
The next time I might not be so lucky...
But I don't know...it doesn't scare me...
or maybe I am to tired to care..

Love Ravn.

We are home!!

Hi everybody!
Did u think u would se me again?

I guess u did....
I got a lot of nice coments, mails and messages from u..
thank u so much for careing.

Sander and me came home yesterday..
I am so very tired...but so glad to be here in my own bed again.
I have missed most of this spring...outside it is summer
already and warm. I hope I will be able to enjoy it this year...

Sander is sleeping beside me..he is better,
but still walking with a cane.
I had to train my legs to walk again now...
so we are looking like a couple of grandads ...
I have a nurse coming four times a day
to administer my pain medication and take blood samples.
Hopefully I will be rid of her in a week or two...
and we can go on with our everyday-life.

Sweet Iver is still suffering after his draining on monday...
we will not let them do it to him again.
It realy is not worth the pain he has been in....
but they claim he is to young for a vasectomy.
But I say...the sooner the better!

I have to rest for a while ...I am still sleeping most of the day.
I love u all so very much...

Ravn.

Update Sunday night.

Tuesday is the big day!
Ravn and Sander is coming home!!!!

Me?
I am going in tomorrow to drain.
Fuckfuckfuck.

Oh, and thank's for a nice chat yesterday,Butterflies! :D

Iver.

Update Friday night.

Ravn is not coming home until Monday or Tuesday.
He is ok again, but the pain still bothers him alot.

The rest of my new family is out on the farm working this weekend.
I have to take it easy still.
So I have "babysitters". Rein and Tord. lol
It was Rein that blew the wistle on me after I almost fell of his bike ..
pretending to be ok..two weeks ago.

He is kind and sweet too...hehe

Have a nice weekend.

Iver.

Update from Iver.

Hey! I came home from hospital this afternoon.
They put me in because I started a fever
and the pain made me puke like hell.

Ravn is now awake but still in very much pain,
but that is to be expected they say.
We don't know yet when he comes home.

Sander is better, but he still has to use his wakingstick.
I am better too, but I have to take it easy for a while.

Granny says thanks for all ur lovely coments!!

Hugs from Iver (and Granny) :D

Granny bloggs.

Forgive me for my bad english. I have no training in writing.
I write to tell that my boys are ok. All three of them.

Iver is in hospital too.The poor darling.
That is the reason he have not been able to write.
Ravn is coming out of coma and will be home sometime next week
we think. He has made it this time too, my sweet boy.

Thank God! My precious Sanders back is better as well, and he will stay as long as Ravn stays.
He refuses to go home without him.

So this was my debut in the blogger-world.
It was actually fun!

Love to you from Granny Eva.


I forgot to say that today is Ravns 23d birthday!!

Update Friday.

Not much to tell u.
No change in Ravns condition.
Sander is back in nevro, and I don't feel so hot myself.

Iver.

Update Tuesday.

Yesterday Sander sort of fell apart after having had no sleep for three days.
Nobody managed to talk him into taking a rest,
and so he just broke down in tears
and then passed out from the pain he refuses that he still has and the
strain he puts on himself now.

Ravn is still not good.
But today they wil start him on yet another diffrent drug.
As I understand it is his last chance maybe.
Trine and me spent all night with him yesterday.
Holding his hand and talking to him, telling him not to give up.
He is strong the docters says. He has a strong heart.
But his body is tired now.
So we do not know how this is going to end.

Thank u for all ur prayers and concern.
He loves all of u.

Iver.

Update Sunday evening.

There is no change for the better.
The doctors is struggeling to find some sort of antidrug
that will help him, but have not found any so far.

Ravn is fighting for his life.
I dont know what to write.

Iver.

Update Thursday night.

Nothing much to tell u.
Ravn struggles on. His dad came today.
We r all realy scared.

Sander is with him. He refuses to leave Ravns side and so
they once again are together.

Iver.

Update Tuesday.

No change in Ravns condition.
They still keep him asleep.

They have started a treatment on Sander giving him some kind of
shots to the back. It seemes to help him so far.

We worry about Ravn.

Iver.

Update Sunday..

Ravn has been in hospital since Friday.His shitty inflamation is back.
They will start the same prosedure again as last time.
Keeping him asleep while trying to drain it out.

I'll keep u posted.

Iver.

No birdy...

I had a fever all yesterday...luckily nobody noticed...so
I spent the night in hospital with Sander.
He noticed at once though :(
He knows me too well...

Both the fever and the pain have increased this morning....
and I probebly cant hide it anymore..cause I have trouble walking
now due to pain and swelling..fuck

But at least i have seen no birdy yet...
(my fever-fantasy-pet)

Don't want him to come...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejLKrZqFpbg

Fuck...

By this time on Tuesday night the pain from the
draining usually has subsided...
But not tonight...
I still hurt...and I think I might be running a temprature...
Fuck...fuck...fuck

Monday again..

Been with my love in hospital most of the weekend..
Nothing has changed....
He is silent and in pain...and today they went on with the tests..

I've had my usual Monday draining....and have been flat out in bed
ever since..and my love will have to do without me until Wednsday.

Mondaymusic:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9i2fqxSjTI

Sleepless part 2...

I am tired...

I have been at the hospital every night to be with Sander.
He is still giving me the silent treatment...but I try to be patient
I hate fussing myself ...so I wont fuss over him.
Most of the time I am laying in his bed ...just to hold him and stroke his hear.
The tests shows nothing so far...but the pain wont let him be...

My own pain is just a distant reminder now...I am so gratefull for
that breather...I need this break to be able to be strong for him.
I need sleep too...but it is hard.

Wish I could just close my eyes and sleep until morning...
but I sleep for maybe two hours at the time...and that's way to little.

Any good ideas to help me sleep more, anybody?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPs0gr5zbII&feature=related

Insomnia...

I can't sleep...

I have tossed and turned all through the night..
Now it is 4.30 am and I have given up.

The pain from the draining has subsided..
but I miss my love. The bed is way to big and empty.
I think I forgot to mention that he is in hospital.
They kept him when we was in on Monday.
Wanting to run some tests and stuff..

I went to se him last evening...but he is once again
in the silent mood. So I realy don't know how he is.
My guessing would be that he is scared..
The backpain is a new thing...he has not had much of that
before. And it seemes to conect with the groin-pain.
And it must realy hurt...
Maybe it has something to do with the scare-tissue after the surgerys?
I don't know anything so far.

Wish he would talk to me :(

The end of the easterhollydays...

Tonight is the end of easter for me...
Even though it is still a hollyday here in Norway
I have to go to hospital to drain...
And I am bringing Sander too...
He needs a good check-up now...even if he doesn't want to.

Our Doc was here yesterday
and he has put him on morphine for the time beeing.
And he made Sander promise that he will go to
hospital with me tomorrow morning...

We have spent most of the hollydays nesting here in front of the fire
Trine,Simon and Milla been here sevral times...
We have watched movies and played some games..
And we have spoken on the phone everyday with the group out
on the farm.
Tomorrow we will have them all back home.
We have missed them!!

Guess we have had a little taste of how it is going to be like
living on our own..

The last easter hymn...the great Kirsten Flagstad sings
Påskemorgen/ Eastermorning...back in 1956

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDd4RH7Xx0M

Resurrection...

I see that you are tired.

But I can't walk the road of life instead of you.

You must try to go on.

But I will walk beside you.

I see you are in pain.

But I can't take the pain and hold it for you.

You have to endure it yourself.

But I will suffer with you.

I see you will give in

But I can't take your life and live it for you

You must meet it yourself

But I can live beside you.

I see you are afraid

But I can't face your death instead of you.

You must face it yourself.

But I have made life from death for you.

I have made your death to life for you..

Bjørn Eidsvåg/ English version by Ravn

Bjørn sings it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moYJOdAKVHs

Thine be the glory..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZz5fO2e1Cc

Gethsemane..

Worry, faith, doubt, good, evil, betrayal,
darkness, pain, grief....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDHoTOgeNWE&feature=related

Worry..

I haven't slept much...I feel I have to stay awake
in case he will get worse..

My love is not any better..
And I still haven't done antything but to try to talk to him.
I wont call the doc against his will...I know him so well
and he would feel that as a betrayal.

So I wait and worry...
He himself has to decide when he has had enough pain...
I'll try not to interfere...it is hard, but I know he doesn't want me to

Maybe somebody will call us to hear how we are coping on
our own...I realy hope so..

I can't lie then..

I don't know what to do!!!

We are still nesting up in the livingroom...

He is not getting any better...and his painkillers isn't doing much good now.
I want to call our doc...but he wont let me.

Fuck, I don't know what to do...I wish Granny was here...

He won't talk to me...won't say how bad it realy is..
But I can tell by his pale face
and the way it sort of jerks with pain
when he tries to move..
He has a hard time showing feelings
and signs of what he think is weaknes..
I guess you turn out that way growing up as an orfant
in way to many fosterhomes.
But Grann always seems to find away to get through...
I can't....
So i have tried not to crowd him....to give him some space..
To give him a chance to cry if he needs too...
he seldom does in front of me
unless when he had the attacks.

I think he ought to be in hospital now...but I don't know what to do
I can't call the doc behind his back...

But i can't watch him suffer much longer either...

Fuck..

A perfect nest for him to rest...

My love is upstairs in the tub...

I hope the warm water may ease his pain a bit.

I had to go downstairs cause the sight of his naked,

soapy body made me want to do things to him

that doesn't go well with a acking back and testickles.

I feel so lost when he is the one hurting...

I can deal so much better with my own pain.

His I can't do something about...

just watch how it wears him out :(

And that hurts me too....it realy does.

Trine,Simon and Milla was here...

and Milla is now old enough to sence

when one of us is a bit under the weather.

So she settled for laying on Sanders arm on the sofa...

sucking her tumb while he read her a story.

Rein has been here with the gocerys...

and now we once again are alone.

I have taken my lap-topp up to the livingroom...

and I have lit a fire and lit some candles.

I have borrowed the mattresses from the guest beds

and layed them on the floor

topped with our duves...

some sheepfurs and lots of pillows.

When he comes out of the bath i will dry him of carefully,

and then I will give him a soothing, lavendersmelling hotoilmassage..

and kiss every inch of his body.

And if he wants me to I'll make love to him

in the softest, and sweetest of ways...

I have buildt us a perfect nest up here...we can rest here

until Mondy if we want to...

A sweedish song..

Carola...Nocturne

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5_ki_TtGVc&feature=related

Rainy morning...

Thank u all that comented on my blog yesterday...
here or on mail/msn.. Love u all!!

We have a little pre-taste now
of how it's gonna be living on our own.
Mom and Steph...Granny and Iver
are spending the easterhollydays starting
the work on the farmhouse.
So they wont be home again until monday night .
Sander and me are all alone...
but we have Trine just two houses away
in case anything should happen.

I feel a bit better this morning. I hope Sander does too...
I try to read his sleeping face beside me...
but no signs are visible of either pain or pleasure.
I will soon enough know...
When he hurts he becomes withdrawn...
he likes to lay upstairs on sofa whatching dvds to get his mind away from the pain..
and he doesnt speak much.

I realy hope he is better too..
If so...Trine and Simon will come over today..bringing Milla!
And later on Rein promized to drop by and do some shopping for us
on his way out to the farm.
(in Norway easterhollydays start today..
and the shops close by 2pm They open for a few hours on Saturday
and then they close again until Tuesday)
He and another HA brother is going out to the farm to help..
and I guess they enjoy having a long drive out in the country with their Harleys
after the long, long winter we had.

I was hoping to spend the day out on the porch getting a tan...
but alas...it is raining..
So I guess we will watch some more Lord of the Rings...
we started the marathon yesterday and is halfway through nr 2 so far
(we whatch the extended versions of course)
It is so much better !!

And if he doesn't hurt to much...
since we have the place to our selves we might bring mattresses,
blankets and pillows up to the livingroom later..
and spend the evening making love in front of the fire.

Makes me wanna wake him up just by thinking of it...
and I think I will...
But first I will go up to the kitchen and make tea and buttered toast..
eggs, cheese and marmelade..
And we can have breakfast in bed..

And I can certainly think of a place or too that I'd rather
put that marmelade than on the toast...

Some norwegian music for u
Madrugada and Ane Brun...enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0bihpuJXcQ&feature=related

Friends..

I still hurt today...
And I find the morph sups are not doing their job quite as good as the shots.
Everybody but Sander and me are out on the farm today.
We were too on Sunday and Saturday...
and I think Sander overdid a bit helping to clear out the house..
I can tell he is hurting rel bad today..
but as usual he never says.

I am a bit hurt...
for the first time I think someone cut me out from his blog
because I am gay.
I no longer has acsess. :(

And it is funny how people mail me
and ask questions and then when I answer
I never hear from them again.

The friends I make here in cyber in both this blog
and my Norwegian one are important to me..
cause this life most of the time is more real to me than my irl.
I can't partisipate much in that for the time beeing....
I spend very much time with my computer talking to my friends here.
So when people stop coming to my mns or comenting on my blog it feels like loosing a friend for real...
And I don't have anybody to loose...

To those of u who always stays...thank you so much..
I love you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxS-9t3tnY

Name meme..LOL

I stole this from Dr. Johns blogg...
It made me laugh...even on a Monday that has been rough on me..

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car) - Toto Landrover(moms car)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe) – Cookies n cream Sneaker.

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal) – Black Dog,

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born) – None Oslo

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name)- Rinvn

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) –Red Urge

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers) – Harald Rolf

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Man Biler.

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Kolloen Kobenhagen

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower) – xmas tulip

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now) – Mango Briefs

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) – Nada Maple

13.Movie (or porn) star name (first pet, first street where you lived) – Toto Bekkefaret.

About us..(for new readers)

I have gotten mails and questions lately
asking what's wrong with Sander and me...
So even if I have told it before..
I decided to tell once again to all of you new readers..

I have been ill since I was 16.
I have a sort of chronic disease that partly is genetic...
(my grandpa had the same..)
partly comes from a very bad case of klamydia I contracted at 16.
The genetic part is a somewhat defect prostate
that is not able to empty itself completly the way it is suposed to.
So it holds back some fluid inside wich will be infected if it doesn't get out and then somehow infeckt my epididymis. When that happens I'll get a fever and severe pain and I have to go to hospital. This infections happens more often now, and last year they cut my spermcords to se if that helped to prevent the infections going down to the epididymis...it did not..

Turns out it is probely the same old klamydia that has never left my body..
and it seemes it wont... after many,many antibiotic treatments and hospitalisasions.
The infections has gotten more severe over the years and harder to treat...but so far I have survived them...

I have to go to hospital to drain out my prostate once a week to help it stay free of infection.
It is realy no gentel way to preform the draining so it mostly keeps me in bed for a day or two, hurting and puking from pain. I am in pain most days in one form or another...that too has increased over the years.. But some days are still good.

I met Sander in hospital. He was born with damaged,tangled nerves from his spine to his testickles.
That means the pain sensation is a lot stronger in him than usuall...
He also tend to get nonbacterial inflamations to the testickles..

He started gettin this very severe pain attacks at 18,
and has had several complicated neurologic surgerys
to try and fix them.
He has also spent a year in psyc. due to the strain of the first unsucsesfull surgery
The last surgery this year was hard on him, but so far it looks good...
He will still be a chronic cause of the pain that comes and goes...
but the dreaded attacks are hopefully gone now.
All though we don't dear to hope yet.
Last time they came back after almost a year..
So it realy is a bit to early to say

So, this is everydaylife for us...
a very difrent life than most of our friends..
And this is why we are gonna have nurses come and look after us...
when the rest of our family moves out to the farm.

Right here...right now..

He comes downstairs and lays beside me on the bed...
we kiss...his soft lips tastes of fresh"outside air ".
He and Ola has been for a walk.

His hand slides down my stomach...
He smiles up at me...his eyes glittering..
-" You are so hard" !!
I sigh...
-" Mmm I know...I need to get off..
-"Why don't you then"?
He gets that noughty look on his face..and
his hand tickles my tummy.
-"Cause I hurt too much.... I just can't"
-"Oh, my poor baby"!
He kisses me, and kisses my belly too..
Then he pulls off my blanket...and his eyes slides lovingly over my body.
-" That looks yummy".
He breathes a little faster now...and his exitement is very
visible right now.
-"Then try some"
I can hear my voice tremble a little..
He wispers in my ear...
-"I will, baby...I will...

I close my eyes...to the sensation.
I can feel his varm and wet mouth on my body.
Soft and tiny kisses...
slowly making a wet trail down towards the goal.
His tongue circling around my swollen "head"
Softly, carefully, caressing the most tender part of me...
I hold on to his hair...I am suddenly all feelings...
All flames and fire...
I am so easy....

I can't take this much longer...
If he keeps this up I am gonna come..I am gonna come...
I am.....

Sweet,strong shivers spasms through my body...
I hear my voice calling out his name...
I float and sink...
Float..

Him on my chest...sitting there..
I hold his butt...and helps myself to him...
My gourmet-man... his very own
green banana taste soon fills my mouth..

Heaven is right here..
right now...

The pain afterwards is endureable.....
I kiss his pretty face...tasting myself of his lips..

I love him so very, very much...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfJCqgPRxZg

Three in one bed...

It is a foggy old morning here...and I am tired.
I woke up in pain some hours ago..now I am pleasently drugged
on painkillers...

I guess you all must be so tired of me complaining all the time.
At least I am..But I think I need this place to let of some steam
and be honest...I tend to pretend to much these days irl.

Darling Sander is still sleeping...so is Iver..
Yes, we happen to be three in bed this morning.
Iver coming down here in the middel of the night...woken from a nightmare
he would not tell us about..all shakey and scared. It took us a good hour to calm him
and get him back to sleep.
He is doing fine..he is swollen still from surgery but everything
heals up nicely and he says the pain is much less now.

Mine is not this morning...and I need to wank..
To flush out my "system".
I haven't for three days..
But I don't think I can...
Maybe Sander can help later on...

Wakeup jabber...

I am still hanging in there...

The pain has subsided a bit...so maybe by
monday(drainingtime again) I'll be ok.

I hope it wont go on like this...I realy need those days between
draining and hurting to be relativly good.
It scares me that as the years go by I have been a little worse
every year..
In the first years I could go for months without pain..
Now the best I can hope for is for the five days from the drainpain
usually stopps til the next draining to be free of pain.
I know it has to do with my nuts beeing more and more destroyed
from the infections...but still...

At least there's no sign of Sanders attacks...
I just hope and pray that they are gone for good this time.

Oh, and we got a few phonecalls asking about the nursing thing...
One of them...a male nurse who had been trained in urology...
30 years old...could work all hours! We will meet him after the hollydays!
The others were too young and inexperienced ...and too female...lol
We will just have to wait and se if anyone else is responding.

Tomorrow the farmhouse will be formally mom and Stephans..
and they will begin to work on it this weekend.
Pretty exiting, huh?

This was just "trying to wake up" jabber...
Now I realy got to go piss !!!
I got a boner the size of Australia!!!

hehe...

The add is out...

Yes, I am alive..
And if I realy concentrate I think
I am a tiny bit better..at least that's what I say...
I realy don't want to go to hospital !!!

I'll just wait and see if I can get by with just my
regular painkillers. If I can't ...well, then it is
back in...I am not stupid!

I long to have a break now...to do what others do,
go up to the maountains, ski, snowboard, party,
hang out with friends..

But at least we have each other..my love is still sound asleep
beside me. I have my laptopp in bed .Cause I still hurt sitting.

The morningsun shines on his blond hair..making it
glow like gold. And I long for him to wake so I can kiss him.
He too has been in some pain these days..he never says
but I can read it in him. So I guess this will be a quiet day for the
both of us. But who knows...maybe tomorrow will be better?

Oh, btw...
Today the add is out..
About us wanting trained nurses...I am quite exited at this!
I hope somebody answers..and I hope for some male ones...
I'll keep you posted on the progress..

Hey! "Goldielocks" is avake :D
Some parts of him very much awake...
by the look of his naked body....

Yummy....

I've had enough..

I just had my morning shot of morph.
Makes me sound like a junky doesn't it?
Well, sometimes I feel like one too..

Yesterday was bad...and the pain afterwards
has been worse than ever..and I am so damned
tired of it all. I realy need to get me some sleep now.
My doc who came by the house half an hour ago
said I have to go back in hospital if the pain
doesn't go away by tomorrow..
and then they will give me a spinal catheter.
Wich I hate..blæææææææh

Sander is sleeping..and the whole family has
those worried looks again over me..
He has them too...

And I just feel guilty, desperate and totaly down.

Don't want this shit anymore..
I've had enough..

Good Morning!

In a minute I will be on my way to this
Mondays draining in hospital...
Can't say that I look forward to it..

I am feeling a little better...so that wont last..
We had a marvelous sunday yesterday..
Sunny and beautiful..The snow is still high in the garden
but spring is in the air..

I have been a very good boy and stayed of sex (almost)
Poor Sander..
Trine is going to drive me and Iver to hospital .
Sander has an apointment back at rehab for a check up
and granny is taking him. So I'll get no help with my
spermsample this morning..:(

I wish u all a nicer Monday than mine...

Here is the norwegian band cc cowboys...IN NORWEGIAN haha..
Tigerboy....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0AzQRGd7eU

To much of a good thing...

Well ...I am back home..
I still hurt, but I managed to talk myself out of hospital.
I prefer to be home with Sander.
He has been trusted to manage my morphine sups..
and that works fine.

I am very tired after beeing in pain of a level of maybe 8
all week ...but mostly I am glad to have my love here.
He is my favorit medecin!

As for the pain...my uroligst asked me what I had been up to
to make the pain go on for so long after the draining.
(As if he didn't know that Sander was home...hah! )

I told him we just might have been a little overanxious
with the sex. He just sighed and shook his head.
Then I said that he always told me to have an orgasm at least
once a day to help my prostate drain the natural way.

And he looked at me over his glases and said...
"Yes, once or twice but the two of you goes at it like rabbits in heat!
Please slow down a little.
Give your body some time to heal man!"...

He made me blush..and feel kind of stupid.
Then he said that he wondered how I managed to stay so horny
in spite of all the pain and shit I had gone through.
And by that he made me blush again..

Well right now I hurt to much to be horny...
even with a naked Sander sleeping next to me..
I just lay here and enjoy him beeing so close..


Have a nice weekend everybody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY

Update.

Hey all !

Thank you for all prayers,hugs and kisses !
And thank you for suporting Ravn all the time
when I was away in hospital and rehab.

I write this to tell you that Ravn is In hospital.
The pain from the draining wouldn't stop this time.
And the doctors wanted him to stay in for a couple
of days.
Try not to worry. He has no sign of inflamations
and no fever. Just the pain.

He'll soon be better !

Sander.

mean,.

Mmmm it was mean...ok.
Had a bad,bad day...

Waiting for a morph shottt...so I can sleep
Hurt somuch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2gXMRoPv_M

A different Monday..

The most wonderfull weekend...
followed by yet another mean Monday.

As usuall I have to go to hospital to for draining..
and as usuall I am gonna hurt like hell, puke,
fainth and be drugged out on Morphine
for a couple of days...

But..

For the first time since christmas I have
Sander by my side. he will come with me.
He will hold my hand through it all..
and that makes the whole difference..

Wish me luck...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKm_dzm55WU&feature=related

Saturday ...

First I like to say thank u from both Sander and me..
for all kind mails and comments ...
Hugs and kisses to u all!!

It is realy amazing to have him home again...
To wake up in the light of dawn..with my nose
burried in his long blonde hair.
Spooning him ...holding him.

To watch him turn around...still half asleep
and press his varm sleepy body against mine
Feel his arms around my neck...his lips against mine
it is heaven!!

We stayed in bed until about 2.pm..
Then granny came down and discretly knoked on the door
to see if we still were alive, and if we wanted some brunch.
Sander has a bit dificulty walking the stairs...but he will
improve.
We were both in some pain today...
but wanted each other to much to bother with it.
Love making is a great painkiller !
But right now I hurt...

Tonight I watch him sleep again..his warm skin
strangely golden in the dim lampelight..
He is so beautiful..

Granny and mom been to se Iver..his pain
has finally slowed down a little...so he was able to
talk now. And is recovering nicely the nurses said.
I am so pleased to hear that.

We have been lazing upp on the sofa..watching movies.
Ending the evening with a rerun of "Interviev with the vampire"
And now I have this song playing in my head over and over
and over...

Here in the real version...look how sexy old Jagger
once was!! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuTiTfbfy7Q&feature=related

Sander is home !!!

I have it all right now...
I have my love with me...asleep in our bed
I don't know if I am able to sleep tonight...cause I am
sort of bubbeling over with all those happy feelings.
I just want to lay here beside him all through the
night and listen to him breathe...


Sander is home ! My lover...my lifelight...
my Goldielocks...




We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will
never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?


Snow Patrol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiRa_DwalQc

It is not fair !!

Life is realy not fair...why is it that
Iver had to get his nut ruptured?
Why couldn't it have been some other guy?
Someone who never had anything painfull
happening to him...

Granny was with him all day...then mom and me took
over tonight. Poor Iver...getting intravenous morphine
and still not totally painfree..
A ruptured nut must realy hurt so goddamned bad..
And the scaring may cause him to have problems later too..
It is not fair...

I was with Sander tonight too..
I hadn't seen him since sunday..
He is better now...and I just can't wait to get him home!!
I long so much for him to cuddle up next to me in bed..
My love...

Poor, sweet Iver..

Last nigh Iver came down to my room looking pale and scared.
-" Ravn? Can I sleep here tonight?"
-" Of course you can!" I cleared away all sorts of magazines, kleenex,
waterbottles and other junk from Sanders side of the bed.
A shivering Iver climed in to the bed.
I tucked the duve around him.

-"Are you in pain?" I put a hand on his forehead..
He nodded.
His forehead was a bit hot...but not feverish hot..
I gave him one of my painkillers and some water..
He gulped down the pills and closed his eyes.

- "Are you feeling sick?
He nodded without opening his eyes..
- " Swollen? I continued asking him.
He nodded again. Biting his lip...
-" Do you want me to take a look?" Or to call my doc?
- " You look...he wispered..

I pulled of his duve and he pulled his boxers down..
And I almost choked...
His nuts were very,very swollen and the left one had a big bruise.
WTF!!
He said nothing...but bit his lip even harder to stop the tears that
was about to come..

How did this happen ? What did u do?
I was shocked at the sight..
-" It was Ola "...tears beginning to show now..
-" He wanted to play and sort of jumped me...placing both paws in my groin"..
- "But why didn't you tell someone? Why didn't you say"??

He snifled..
- "Don't wanna be a sissy...
Don't wanna bother anybody..
not with u in so much pain after draining and all.
I thought it might go away".

- "Iver, realy"...I hugged him
- "I think U need to go to hospital...
I think one of your nuts is bleeding.".

I called doc Espen...and I got Stephan to come and take a look..
Iver was crying now...burying his face at my neck.
I held him and tried to comfort him

- " This must realy hurt like bloody hell" !!
Stephan turned all pail at the sight...
-"How long have u been like this?
When did it happen?"
- "I don't remeber" Iver cried ...
- "Sometime this afternoon".
We steard at him in disbelief...
- " But you have shown no sign" I said...
You have pretended to be ok all that time.."

- "I didn't think you would care.."
Iver sobbed against my shoulder.

Stephan and me looked at each other..
there and then we begun to realize how
Ivers life must have been before he came here.
I saw Stephans eyes tearing up..
He reached out and stroke Ivers hair..
- " We care" he said .
.-"We will always care, Iver"..

Then everything happened real fast...Espen came, the ambulanse came.
And of to hospital he went. I was not alowed to go with him
due to the draining and the morph that was about to wear of..

They operated on him right away last night...managed to save
his nut..but he is gonna be in a lot pain for the next days..
He so did not deserve this!!

Poor, sweet Iver..

Goodnight- blogg

I have had the best weekend in many months...
I have spent most of it in rehab with my love.
Loving him...hehe

And now I am facing reality once more..
with another draining-day coming up.
I REALY don't want to..blææææ
But I know I have no choice..
Iver is coming to hospital too
He has had some pain in his nuts
over the weekend..and he is to
give a spermsample too..poor boy
he gets realy embaressed ..

Sander and me have talked a lot ..
(There u see...we don't fuck 24/7 !)
The state or what u call it has offered us to pay
for us to have nurses fulltime at our house.
That means 3-4 persons will work all hours on shift
to take care of us. And that granny will be free of duty
so to speak. And we have decided to go for it!
At easter mom and Stephan is begining to resature
the farmhouse...and I know how eager she is to help.

So Sander and I am gonna be employes sort of..
we agree that we will prefer male nurses if posible.
Thinking that males can better understand the nature of
our pain. What do u folks think?

It is time to sleep now...time to talk a little while
to Sander on the cellphone....and love us
to sleep..

Good night to all...

Someone who watch over me...

I guess Sander fell asleep on me last night..
He didn't phone me as usuall and I wouldn't phone him
in case I would wake him.

I have had a good nights sleep again...but this morning
the pain was quite bad..maybe I have slept on the side.
That usually gives me pain if I don't put a pillow between my legs.

Iver was not feeling so good last night...complaining that his
nuts hurt again...so we will just have to wait and se how he is today.
With any sign of swelling or fever it is straight to hospital.

....................................................................

I am still in bed...surfing blogs and hoping for someone to come to msn
But there are few early birds around.
I have gotten a few good friends in cyber over the years.
Murmel u all know by now...Timmy, Rille, Hasse,
And the latest additions HB, Butterflies and Firethorn.
I always look forward to hear from u..

But there is one man I love the most..
A man I have known for almost 4 years I think.
A man that gets up at 3 am every single morning just to
talk to me on msn. We have a 9 hour timediference.
So he spends this early hours before he has to go to work
with me ...or sometimes with Sander..and even Iver.

His name is Dan...and I refer to him now and then in my blogg.
He is old enough to be my dad or Ivers grandpa...
Iver think he looks like Santa...or a cross between
santa and a biker...lol

I think Dan has taken more shit from me than anybody...
He is my freezone, my garbage dump, my lost dad...
in this sometimes hopless jail I am inn..
With Dan I can be honest...
I can be as weak or strong..
childish or grownup that I like...
I can hurt and cry and curse...
He is always there to suport me..always there to comfort.

Oh, he gets me angry too....cause he can fuss a bit when I am
not eating properly or drinking to much coke.
But mostly he is my sanctuary...where I can weep..and swear
and almost give up on life.
He always pulls me through.
Always makes me see that there is a way..that there is
a God..

Thank u man, for your everlasting suport and love..
We all love you so much...

Here is Dans song for Sander,Iver and me...
That he wanted to dedicate to us on a radioshow last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU&feature=related

So I give you this, Dan...you are my true "someone"...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7MvoRzmLw0&feature=related

X-rated overnight-stay...

First of all someone is spamming my coments...
I don't know who u r...
but please continue if it makes u feel nice..
I just delete everything anyway...

............................................................

I hadn't even gotten inside the room yesterday
when Sander flung himself around my neck...
kissing me wildly..
He had made a "do not disturb" sign and pinned to the door...
and I didn't waste my time...
lifting him up and carrying him to the bed..
where I undressed him ...
and in no time had him on his back under me
leggs wrapped around my waist.
No time even to take of my jeans...
My eyes lost in his...kissing him until he climaxed..
and then I came too
at the feel of his ass contract around my cock.

When I wanted to pull out he made me stay...
moving my still hard-on slowly inside him...
he too grew hard again against my stomack.
His hips moving up to meat mine...
his hands clutcing my ass...
and then some 5 minutes later we both came again..

We made love with a frenzy that was almost scareing..
I have never,ever seen him
this eager...this wild and horny. And man...did I love it!! :D
I love the way my cock inside him makes him cum...
the way he bites his lip when he is near climax...
the way hes body shivers and jerks...

Later on I let him fuck me slovly...laying on my belly on the bed.
Just feeling the orgasm building up... and for each time he moved
inside me.. my cock rubbed against the sheets....
Until the climax slowly,sweety drisseled through
my body and became a big strong flow....
and I felt his dick pulsating inside me
making me bite the pillow as to keep my "sound" down....
and I shed some happy-tears afterwards.
Wow..

I don't know how many times we made each other cum...we lost track..
And sometime in the still of night we fell asleep...me holding him
tightly in my arms his chin resting against my chest.

And like that his physioteraphist found us this morning
when Sander was late for his trainingsesion...lol
He looked a bit stunned at the sight of us...the poor man..
but said nothing ..

So we sleepily hit the showers...washing each other of...
kissing..ending up 69ing on the showerroom floor..
before he had to go down to the gym.

Then I grabbed me a cab and headed home..
Here I colapsed on my bed and slept until 1 pm..

I hurt a bit now...and my whole "system" is kind of sore
but hey, it is soooo worth it!!

I just can't wait...

When the pain from the draining subsided...
I found that the general pain I was in
had become more distant too..

And I have slept for almost 6 hours now without interupting
for painmedication..
With Sander talking me to sleep on the phone last night
and then having phonesex.. I slept like a baby.

Iver and me has started to whatc this lame realetyshow
on tv called paradise hotell...(thats why I am ocupied 9.30-10.30 pm )
Iver mostly because every teen do I think...
Me because one of the boys reminds me so much of Sander!
He is just gorgeus! I hope he is to stay on a long time..hehe
At least til I get the real thing back home with me..

I will go to visit Sander tonight! And I can hardly wait!
His roomy is home on leave this week and I hope
that it means that we can have "a good time"

Just the thought of that makes some parts of
me very much awake right now...
And my fantasy spinning of..

Oh, I cant wait!!!

Old Yeller...

The end of a hellish day...
And I am still alive..

I yell at everybody...including Dan, on msn...sorry man :(
All I realy want to do is crawl under my bed and stay there
til the cows come home...
But i have had Sander on the cellphone most of the evening.
And he is realy having progress now!!
And I think he is getting even more horny than me !!
I love that !!
And maybe...just maybe he will come home next week !
He is now able to walk with a stick...and he doesn't fall over
so much anylonger. He still has a bit trouble with pissing..
it is like when he got to go he's gotta go right away..
That can be a bit embaressing...

Well...my damned morph is starting to wear of...
I cant write anymore.

Have a good night all..

Ouch...

I think today was the most painfull draining ever..
I passed out thankfully...so I guess thats how I survived...

They tried to talk me into staying in uro...but I refused..
and because uro is realy cramed with people right now
they didn't force me to stay.

My Stephdad is the big strong type...so he partly
carried me to the car afterwards..where I lay in the backseat
all the way home trying not to puke..

Right now I am druged and happy...
but I fear hell will brake loose again in an hour or so..

I am left with my Stephdad only today..I guess he is
the only one that still can stand to be with me...
But that is ok...I can cry infront of him...it doesn't
bother me so much...cause he doesn't fuss.

Whis me luck...

From a distance...

Once again I look at their tired faces...
and I hate myself for doing that to my family.

I want them to be happy, rested and even a bit careless..
carefree...
Instead I got them to worry about me.
As if Sander in rehab wasn't enough...

Dear granny...she realy deserves a "time out" from beeing
our nurse and caretaker all these years...
She could have had such a good life...maybe living with dads family
with nothing much to do exept baking cookies with my babysis.
Instead I watch her looking sad over me...
and making me hate myself even more..
I know they will be sad if I die...but I think time will heal them..
and eventually they would all have a better life...

I had some unexpected visitors yesterday...Simon,Mikkel and Peter...
Yes, THAT Peter...It's been a long time since he tried to flirt his way
into my bed...And sweet, shy, Mikkel...both of them just as queer as
Sander and me....but none of them acepting it...

Peter is living with yet another girl...fucking boys on the side as usual
And Mikkel still is seeing no one...he has been single for quite sometime now.
And I doubth that he has ever slept with a guy...exept for that "fooling around
with me acident up in the mountains"

But taking a closer look at them...I suddenly knew...
Peter did fuck him !! And now Mikkel had fallen in love...
That is so wasted...
Peter will never ever give up his "prince of pussy"
image. He will fuck Mikkel for the sex...
but he will never love a guy
the way Mikkel deserves to be loved...
and I felt so bad for him.
But maybe that is a way to avoid
dealing with the fackt that he is gay..
falling in love with boys you cannot have...
first it was me...
now it is Peter...

The boys didn't stay long...
they where heading for Peters place for beers and shots
before having a party-night.

I admitt....I felt a bit envious..
Like I had grovn old long before my time...
It seems like another life when we used to party
at "Jekyl and Hyde"...
And now I can only watch them have fun from a distance...
Like the rest of my life...I realy don't live it either...
I just watch it pass by...

From a distance..

U can read more about Peter here..
.http://nightwatcherandflamekeeper-ravn.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-love-is-sleeping.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOcmWuCYVXg&feature=related

Sleeping with Sander...

It realy is early Saturday morning here..
All throug the night I have had Sanders voice in my ear...
talking to me on the cellphone..

My doc has given me Morphine sups again...and my stephdad
manages them. They have provided me with
a few hours of much needed sleep.

Drifting in and out of dreamland and Sanders calm voice
soothing me...making me relax so that I hurt less.
I still have my earplugg in and I can hear him breath
silently in his sleep. And mentaly I have his hand
in mine ...

My doc want me to go to hospital again...but
I refuse..
I want to be here in my bed. Don't want to share
this pain with any stranger I happen to be shareing
a room with.
And the sups makes it a little easyer to stay put.

I need to jack of...due to my prostateproblems..
At least once a day "uro" says..
but I don't think I can right now..
And it is bound to hurt as well
When cuming hurts I can't do it..
I need to keep that part separate from
the pain...it can't stop beeing about pleasure!
I think that when or preferably if ..that happens ...
I wont be able to fight my illness anymore...

Stephdad's just been down here with another sup.
in a moment it will take the edge of the pain and
I can sleep some more...making my breath one
with Sanders...as together as we can be ...
beeing so far apart.

Bitching...

I have been a bitch today..
But when I hurt like this..when the pain
keeps me on the edge of crying all the time
I can't stand it if anybody tries to confort me
at least not Granny or Iver...
I do feel mean....but that's the way I feel.

But when trine came around this morning
I let her lay in bed with me ....and stroke my back.
Then I fell asleep for awhile on her arm.
Think I have a problem with showing Iver my tears.
I am suposed to be the strong one...to suport him
not the other way round.

Sander has tryed to get a leave from rehab
to come home and be with me..
But they wont let him:(
That is ok...I realy don't want him to see me
like this either...

pain

It iss half past 5 am
I've been awake for hours...my painkillers wont give me any ease..
and I already took to many...witcth makes writing a bit difficult
and my head spin.
I need morpine but it is to early to call my doc.
so I jsut lay here shaking with pain and nousea...
Maybe I am running a tmerature as well..don't knoww.

I just sneezed and iI the motion makes thh pain shot through
my body and me almost to throw upfrom it...fuckk
crying hurts..I
Ths is no life ,,I cant
it hurtsso

Weird...

I've been sleeping a lot today...
And dreaming odd and scarey dreams ...
about drowning and sufocating...

Weird,weird,weird...

I spoke to Sander on the phone just now
While he locked himself in the batroom and jacked off...
and I came without even tuching myself..
and it hurt...
I hate when that hurts!

At least he is getting better
at least the attacks has gone...
at least he will be ok..

Will I ever?
What did the dreams mean?

Confused..
Sad.

Lost,hurt,tired and lonely...

I have one of these days were I wish I was never born.
I guess Dan is right..
I tend to get depressed when the pain is to much and
Sander is not around..
but I don't know.
Lately it has been almost to much for me ...
I feel so tired of life itselves.
I just want to hide and sleep...
but then I can't because of the damned pain..

Ok so I do complain a lot...but right now I feel entitled too do so.
There are so many things missing from life ...
So many places I should have been.
So many .....I almost said dreams...
but that is not true...I don't dream anymore...
and I don't plan ahead.
I just exist...

And with Sander gone and me trapped here...
the fourth wall in my room is missing.

I am just lost, hurt, tired and lonely..
and I doubth something beautiful will ever come my way...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1oOaKpOrPs&feature=related

Home...

Hey!

Sorry..I suddenly found myself back in hospital...
I guess it was my own doing partly...
first I skipped the monday draining
and on Sanders birthday I woke up in pain...
but chosed to load up on painkillers
and pretend to be alright.

The result is I don't remeber a damned shit from
the birthdayparty and I managed to colapse and pass out
in the parkinglot when we was going home...due to
severe pain and a overload of painkillers..
mmm...I agree...stupid me..

Well they admitted me and they sedated and drained me while sedated...
That obviously did the trick...but on a "Hurting-scale" from 0-10
it definitely was a 15 !!! Ouch!!

So now I am home again...
Still hurting and moving about like a chimp with artrites with a
big banana up his ass...

Sigh...

Still I am glad to be home...

Love u...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8A2FaHhc3c

Update Saturday

Ravn asked me to tell u that he is in hospital again.
It was not a smart move to skip the draining.
But he is awake and on the mend now, and he
might come home on monday if his temparature is ok

Iver

Happy birthday to Sander...

Today is Sanders big day!!

And I still haven't got a clue what to get him...

We will be going to the mall in half an hour to try and find something..

Sander think that I have drained yesterday and is flat out on my back

and he doesn't know that Lasse and Arn is here either..

And this afternoon we will all of us here go to se him...

pluss that Trine,Simon and Milla will come..

Rein will...and Sanders friends Lilja and Ang.

And the staff in the rehab has decorated a room for us to throw him

a party! Granny has baked his favorit chokladcake...and we will bring

icecream and a bigg Norwegian cream-birthdaycake.

Me sleeping with Iver is a bit troublesome...

This morning I woke up holding him tightly..

Luckyli he was still asleep....but I wish I was not

quite so amorous in my sleep.

Now, sweet Iver has fallen head over heals in love with Arn.

And that kind of solved my consern of him coming on to Lasse

he only has eyes for Arn...lol

...............................................................................

Happy birthday my love...this is for you..

The most beautiful song I know....I love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrKKcxB5MwY&feature=related

The eurovision songcontest...

Once again I am in doubt if I shall continue this blog or not.
I already have my scandinavian blog, and I like blogging,
but when nobody responses it only gets me down.
And the purpose of the blog is just the opposite.

In a few hours we shall go to the airport to pick up Lasse
and Arn. I wish I was feeling a little better.
I have had trouble sleeping cause of the pain, and it wont
subside it seemes...

Yesterday was a big night i Norway...
We had the nasjonal finales in "The eurovision song contest"
A tv show most Norwegains love and hate ..
And my favorit song...by my favorite boy
won the damned thing!! Yey!!
And what a win!! He got over 600 000 votes
more than the song coming in seconds!!
And Sander and me agrees tha he is gonna win
the main contest (in Russia this year) in May.

So once again from yesterdays contest...
I bring u sweet Alexander:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtVDRha4PIA&feature=related

6 am..

U know I talked about that feeling of worry I had.
That Sander was keeping something from me...
I still have it....and I can't figure out why or what it is.

Last nights visit was not so focused on sex...
we managed to stay away from each other for the first
two hours...but then we did the bathroom thing again haha
Actually...I can't see why hospitals like this hasn't got rooms
for that purpose. People are often spending up to half a year
here..and I bet there are more than Sander and me that
are desperate for sex..

Tomorrow Lasse and Arn are coming...
it will be great to se them again.
They will stay for a week borrowing Ivers room...
that means he is moving in with me.
Arn is in for his usual checkup in hospital and
tuesday is Sanders birthday.
He doesn't know the boys are coming, so that will be
a big surprize for him,
but I have no clue of what else to get him.
Besides I plan to just skip the draining on Monday.
If they insist I can come in on wednsday...but I want to
be there for Sander on his birthday.

It is half past 6 am...and my painkiller has kicked in now..
I might get some sleep.
Anybody out there wanna help me find a great gift for Sander?


I give u Maria Mena with Just hold me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtX19z_fUbc&feature=related

Oh, man! ..

I feel like I've been through a physical and emotionel avalance...
Seeing him again after a week and a half....my God!
I never knew anything could feel like that..

I was so nervous yesterday...
mostly to how I would react to seeing him in
a weelchair. But to be honest....I didn't notice...
I just saw him.... My loverboy and "Goldielocks".
And then nothing else mattered.

And I am almost embaressed to write this, but what we did
was to find a vacant bathroom and lock ourselves in there
for the evening.
I thought he could not feel anything yet, but he was just as anxious
as me...we were both shakeing with anticipacion...
and we didn't even have time to undress each other properly,
but made love in the weelchair. With me on topp.
Kissing him desperatly.
Oh, man.....
Feelt like I'd died and gone to heaven...
and he had the first real orgasm since the surgery...
and it seemed to me they were just as strong as before...
Oh, man...

But some ten minutes later the pain hit me right on spot..
I had been ignoring it all day...knowing that if i showed any
sign of it they would not let me go.
Then suddenly I could not pretend anymore...
And to my terror I sort of fell apart right there before his eyes...
tears and all...
And that was exactly the thing I had promised myself NOT
to do!! And yet I couldn't stop it...

Well he held me and comforted me
and he saw to it that I got some painkillers
and I somehow managed to pull my act together..
But I am not realy sure of how I got home..

Today I am in a state of numb happines...
Feeling even more drained than any given monday ...


A little "Gnome" form Iceland for u today...
Bjørk / It's oh so quite...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGmQXX4gSXI

Tuesday...and hope in sight

Just to say that I am alive...
I miss Sander and I have a hell of a time still from the draining yesterday...
Bu at least Iver didn't have too...

Tomorrow afternoon I'll go se Sander :D
Can't wait!!!

More Norwegian music for u
heres Silje Nergaard- the walz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik9k7fhu3oU

Valentines sulk...

I woke early this morning too...
Tired of this bloody cold...and I miss Sander so much!

Today is Valentines...and I want to be with him so much.
But as it is now...I am not alowed going there until Monday.
But Monday is drainingday...
So by Wendsday maybe...

Lasse and Arn are coming down ...Arn for his checkup.
Then I came to think of the combination Lasse vs Iver.
Hmmm... Not the best of combinations it seems...
But hey, Lasse is a grown up
I have to talk to him before they arrive next weekend.

Sanders birthday is coming up the 24.th.
And my mind is blank with ideas for his birtdaypresant.
Please help me and give me some ideas!!
We don't know yet if he has come home by then, but I hope so.
I want my lover!

He has gotten a roommate now....so we can't have phonesex either..
Hmm..... not that he enjoyed it much with no feelings down there.
But I did! And I miss it!


I'll keep on bring u Norwegian music....today my favvosong right now
Alexander Rybakk - Fairytales:) Oh ...and he is cute too....hehe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIBUzDIc1s0

The coldest morning..

It is strange how i missed you all...and you missed me.
And now that I am home almost noone is here :(

I woke up at 5 am...I have a cold and my astma is fucking.
Besides we had the coldest morning years -13f. Brrrrr...

Iver is ok again from the draining...but somewhat scared.
Cant say I blame him.
So I got the bed to myself again,
and last night I spoke to Sander on the phone until we
fell asleep. That's beacuse he have a room to himself.
But that wont last. He is beginning to feel some tangeling
in the legs. That is a good sign that his nerves are begining
to work again. And he exercise every day to be stronger.
And I miss him so much....

I got a mail from HB the other day! I have missed him terribly!
Looking forward to have him back on my MSN! :)

This is Ane Brun, everybody! And I am in love with her voice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI0uq0MGxZE

Ivers song..

I totally forgot that Iver wanted me to put this in the blogg
about him...he says this song could be his...so here it goes..

I've seen myself, with a dirty face
I've cut my luck, with a dirty ace
I leave the light on
I leave the light on
I went from zero, to minus ten
I drank your wine, then I stole your man
I leave the light on
I leave that light on

Daddy ain't that bad, he just plays rough
I ain't that scarred, when I'm covered up
I leave the light onYeah,
I leave the light on
Little boy hiding underneath the bed
Was it something I did? Must be something I said
I leave the light on
I better leave the light on

'Cause I wanna love And I wanna live Yeah,
I don't know much about it And I never did - no,

no 17, and I'm all messed up inside
I cut myself, just to feel alive
And I leave the light on
And I leave the light on
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I leave the light on
I better leave the light on

'Cause I wanna love And I wanna live Yea,
I don't know much about it And I never did
I don't know what to doCan the damage be undone?
I swore to God that I'd never beWhat I've become

And lucky stars, and fairy tales
I'm gonna bathe myself, in a ocean well
Pretty scars from cigarettesI never will forget
- I never will forget

I'm still afraid, to be alone
Wish that the moon would follow me home
I leave the light on Yeah,
I leave that light on

I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up
I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough

'Cause I wanna love I wanna live
No, I don't know much about it And I never did
I don't know what to doCan the damage be undone?
I swore to God that I'd never be What I've becomeI
leave that light…
I leave that light…
I leave that light on

God bless the child, with the dirty face
Who cuts her luck, with a dirty ace
She leaves the light on
I leave that light on


Beth Hart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYLqCOmPGQc&feature=related