A letter...

We recived this today from our beloved friend, Dan...
And I wanted to share it with you...
thank you so much, Dan....
we love you!!

Sander.
............................................

Dear Guys.

As i told you long ago, the telling the first time is like scraping the scab off an old wound, it hurts! But the continued telling is like salve on the wound, it will not heal it, but it makes it less painful. The therapy and continued love from me, and ravn and others will do the healing.

Sander, please remember I will always be here for you and pray for you. Ravn is hugging you for me and himself. You have so many people who love you and deeply care for you all over the world. Give Gran an extra hug for me.

When i first met sander and heard part of his story I suspected this outcome. Mostly because he did not want to talk about it, it was a nightmare he did not want to relive, i can understand. Being on the other side of the world i could not do much about it. If i had lived closer i probably would have been injured just trying to pry the story out of him. I have a very persistant personality. You have no idea how many reports i made to police regarding that sort of behavior in homes, or the number of people i have put behind bars because they harmed children.

One day I'd like to let you, sander, have a childish moment. Something that you missed as a child. Just let you go and be a child for a short time. Let you go and not judge you as childish. To see you laugh, and giggle or have some sort of mischief that a child would do. Let you be innocent, something that you lost long ago.

I love you both greatly, Dan.

Babysteps....

I have been sort of empty, and with nothing to say.
But life goes on...

Sander is still quiet, but he does not shut me out as much as he used to.
He is tired and sad, and is in more pain than usual. No wonder, I think.
I keep doing what I have been doing all along. Hold him and give him all my love ans suport.
He has told sevral people now, and says it gets easyer for everytime he does it.
The hardest part was telling granny...It took him a whole day of tears and agony..
she took it hard, but she did not break down...she stood( as always)solid as a rock.
God bless her! I know she cried later...after we had gone home...but in front of Sander she did not...and that made the telling part easyer on him..

Trine knows too...and the nurses. Trine said she knew all along that it was something like this. And the nurses, thank God, acted like profesionels should.

Sander has a problem dealing with the tears sheded over his past...so for everyone he tells that doesnt brake down in tears he grows a little stronger.
I can sense that in him even if he does not say so.
And I am grateful. He will start therapy sometime next month if his pain eases a little. As it is now he is not able to benefit from it.

It is Monday, and I have a late apointment this morning for draining. So I guess it means beeing stuck in hospital again for three days.

Wish me luck, and talk to my love on MSN!!


Love Ravn.

The breakdown...

Right now we (or mostly he) are going through the hardest phase
ever in our years together.
It started with Sander shutting me of compleatly after he had told me "his secret".
He would not speak to me or let me tuch him.
I know him. So I understand that this is a way of dealing with emotions that get to strong for him. He is so afraid of losing it totaly! So afraid that if he'll let himself be weak he wont be able to pull his act together again.

He kept this up for almost a week. Then he broke down. I had been holding him in his sleep. Trying to comfort him that way since I was not allowed to tuch him when he was awake.
When he woke up in my arms he tried to pull free, but I held on to him.
And then the dam burst open so to speak. He started to shake and cry.
And he started to speak...spilling out all the shit that he has keept inside for so long...man...it has been so hard hearing it all.
My heart and soul bleeds for him, but I have somehow managed to be strong and not break down myself. I have held him, and comfortet him, I have kissed him and dried his tears, I have even wached him puke out of shere terror of memories from his past.

Dr. Espen has been here every day...and my stephdad...the only person who might have known some of this from his years working as Sanders guardian.
Espen has given him sedativ shots to make him sleep. So far none of us have sucseeded in making him eat.

And we are now just waiting for him to have an attack. It is bound to come now...

I am so tired and sad. I cry when he sleeps. And I spend the time he is awake holding him. I know this is the right thing to do. That this will be good for him in the long run....but hell...it is so damned hard.
I can deal with fysical pain. I am used to that....but psycik...man..thats a whole diffrent pain..and I hate to have to witness it tear my love apart.

We have agreed that he is not to be put in Psyck...and if/when the attack comes..we will get the urologist to come here to give him the shot. That way I can be with him all the time...and Stephan can take my place when I need a break.

Sander don't want Granny to be here...he don't want her to see this.
I agree...she would bee heartbroken to watch him suffer.

The nurses take care of all practical stuff...I am so glad we have them now.
I don't know how long he will be in this phase...I guess until an attack stops it.

Espen warns us that he might go into a depresion afterwards...
and even have more pain and attacks...we'll have to wait and see.

Thank you all for suport.
Here, or on mail...

I love you all.

Ravn.

..............................

The awaited attac came last evening.It hit him even harder than usuall, but we managed to keep him home after one of the urologists came out to see him and give him the shot he needs. He has been sleeping all through the night and is still asleep at this moment..

Ravn.

Now I know II...

I have survived another draining..
and they have kept me in hospital until yesterday.
I am ok now, just tired.

All my thoughts and all my concern this days are about Sander.
And how he has mannaged to keep his secret all this years.
He is so strong...maybe too strong.
And now he is suddenly more with drawn than ever.
I can see why, and I'm not fussing...but I am afraid.
I don't want him to suffer anymore...and I am scared he
will fall apart...I wont let that happen.

I promised I would tell you...so here it is...
in short, and with no details:

Sanders dad drank himselves into an early grave when Sander was 5 I think..a while after that his mom comited suicide. Sander was placed in the care of an elderly uncle. And this man abused, raped and mistreated him for years. He died suddenly when Sander was 10 or 11. He is not sure...and Sander was placed first in a childrens home then in vareous fosterhomes until the age of 14 or 15...when he moved into the grouphome where (my stephdad to be) worked.

I can't write this without crying...it hurts so much to know what he has been through. But I can't change his past...just make his present good.
I can just love him even more.
He needs to see someone about this, a psykologist or some other therapist that can help him dealing with his past....but I am trying not to push him right now. So far we have not told many people. It is up to him...

So now you know too...

Love Ravn