A very windy christmas.

I am glad the farm is still standing! We have had the worst storm (hurrycane) in over 30 years. Trees falling, roofs blowing off and elektrisity gone. The coast had the worst wind, but even here trees have gone down and we lost the power for over 12 hours yesterday. I most admit it was somehow cosy to sit by the big kitchenfire and drink mulled wine with candles litt all over the place...reading storys to each other. Very old fashion and xmasy!

It has been great out here, even if i have felt better.Iver and I have spent a great deal of time on the sofas in the livingroom reading and watching tv. Still I have enjoyd myself. I think we all have. Even Lasse says he's had a nice christmas. Him and Sander and me went outside by midnight xmas eve to light a candle in the snow for Arn. It was realy peaceful and beautiful, and Lasse got to cry a bit witch I think did him good.

I am not sure when we will head for home. But we will be home by newyears eve I think. I miss my bed, and I think Lasse will die from hornyness soon if he does'nt get to be with Peter!

At Grannys.

We are installed for the christmas vacation in Grannys house out on the farm. Lasse draw us out there this afternoon. He is spending the hollydays with us. His first christmas without Arn. It is bound to bring back some memorys. I keep thinking it is just as well that Peter is spending the christmas with his family. It will be good for Lasse spending some time without him this christmas I guess.

Oh, maybe I did not tell you about that! Lasse and Peter have been seeing each other fore some time now. At first i thought it was purely sex between them, but after a while it seems like it has grown in to something more serious..and that Peter for the first time in his life will admitt that he is gay. ADT!
He has been living more at our house than in his own apartment lately, and they are talking about getting a place together. I am not sure if this is wise. maybe it is to soon to hop into a new relationship, but Lasse has to decide for himselves.
I think for the first time in his life he is getting all the sex he wants, and I guess he is thrilled!

Out here in the countryside at Grannys...Iver is a bit better (for those who doesnt know he has been back in hospital fighting of another outburst of inflamation.)
He is still in pain, but the fever has gone. I worry a lot over him. because I am afraid he will end upp like me. Dear God! I realy don't wish that for him!

I still hurt a bit from Mondays draining, and I have trouble sleeping before my painkiller kicks inn. Sander is sound asleep beside me. Blond hair spreding out over a blue pillow. He is so beautiful...my love.

Tomorrow it is "little christmas eve" we will decorate the tree and help preparing for the feast on christmas eve. I hope we are going to have a good time. I hope nobody is in pain. I hope nobody ends up in hospital, and I hope all of you out there will have a magic christmas.

I love you all!

Ravn.

Still around!

Yes, I am still alive....amazing realy..

Life goes on and christmas is creeping nearer.Thank God for cybershopping! I couldnt have bought any presents without it. But this year I actually had a lot of fun doing my christmas-shopping on line. Stress and painfree!

Theres no big change in my condition. But the pain is a little less severe, thank God! I am beginning to look forward to christmas at the farm with my family. today we have trimmed the house with christmas decorations and tomorrow we will do the tree. A little late u might think, but actually it is early in Norway where moast people dont decorate their trees until Desember 23. That is because we celebrate christmas until January the 6th...some even for another week! Until the 20th day of christmas! We usuallu take the decorations down on the 6th though..and we like to put them up a bit early so we can enjoy the last week before christmas in peace and quiet.

I am going inn to drain tomorrow. Cant't say i look forward to it, and I hope it will be less rough on me this time. Hopefully I'll be back home Wednesday. Have a great week all you saints and sinners out there!

Love Ravn.

Not verry x-massy!

I have been to hospital again. This time to drain. It took almost a week to recover. If I can even call it that! From earthshanking pain to "only" annoying-I cannot sleep-pain is hardly a recovery. But I am still alive, and I am trying my best to stay that way.

I have nothing to write about realy... our daily life is dull and totaly predictable. Like that of an old married couple.We eat and sleep...we fall asleep in front of the telly. Fun-fun-fun!!

Sander has had some good weeks up until now. But he is back to hurting too, and yesterday the pain-attack came and he is now in hospital. I miss him already. I hate sleeping alone, but at least I can cry without him seeing. Thats kind of a relive.

And the late autumn is damp and grey. Warm for this time of the year. There is little to remind me that x-mas is soon coming up, We have'nt had any snow so far.
So no x-masy feelings at all. Besides I only have one wish for Santa; No pain! That goes for both Sander and me. Just for a week! Even for a day! I'll settle for anything now. I have not had a day without pain for months now...I long for a good nights sleep...a walk in the woods...a night out ...painless lovemaking. I wont ask for anything more, Santa...please..

please...

Ravn.

Nightwatcher...

Late night, and I can't sleep...

I am so tired, but the pain keeps me awake...Sander is asleep. He has been better for for a couple of weeks now. I am so pleased for him! He deserves to breath for awhile. To live a little. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me, but I know deep down that it is not true. He loves me..just as much as I love him.
He is my pride and joy, love and life. He is the reason I stay on this side of the dirt!

I have a full time night nurse this days. With Trine out on maternety leave I need someone to adminster my medication. And another dose of painrelive is still an hour away. Then if am lucky I will get a few hours sleep before hell brakes loose again.

And I worry about Dan. I havent seen him on msn for days now! And I know he cant coment in here...so Dan if u read this....please com on msn and tell me you are fine!

And sweet Firethorne..you always cheers me up. Thank u so much,...thanks to all who reads here. I pray that u will get a good nights sleep.

Love Ravn.

Hey..

I think I most have the most boring blog in the world.

I have nothing fun to share with you this time either...I struggel with constant pain of the most presisting kind..the kind one can't pretend is'nt there even for five minutes. It wears me out, and it wears my suroundings out as well.

I do nothing but lay on my bed or on the couch upstairs... I feel sorry for my self and I guess I am a real pain in the ass. Poor Sander. He is realy trying his best.
They don't even drain me now. Guess they are afraid of killing me or something.
Maybe just as well. Do it fast instead of this drawn out suffering...
It's realy so good for nothing...

Sorry, I should have made some joke, or coments to let u know I keep my spirits up, but my spirit is kind of dead...as I am..

Thats life...thats me

Ravn

just to keep you posted.

Ravn is in and out of hospital, mostly inn.
Right now he is home on weekend leave. Things are not looking grate, and he is growing weak and is looking frail.
There is not much to do exept from trying to ease his pain. There are no inflamations at the moment but the pain has gotten chronic, an wears him out totally.
He says to give you his love!

Sander

Still alive...

Hi, I am home at last. Still alive...at least I think I am. It does'nt feel like it yet. Sander has been in and out of hospital too, but at the time beeing we are both home and can bee with each other again.

This was the closest ever...It is going to take a long time before I am fully recoverd.So have patience with me please.

Thanks for all mails and sms.

Love Ravn

Update 2

Theres no change in Ravns condition. :(

Sander.

Update.

Hey, it's Sander.
I am home again from hospital and feeling a bit better.

Ravn is still there, still fighting the inflamation, he is still kept asleep in intensive care ward.

Sander.

Hospital.

Both Sander and Ravn are in hospital with inflamations.Ravn wanted me to tell you.

L.

I realy have no words...

July 22nd 2011. The day my country lost her virginity...

I realy have no words strong enough to express how I feel tonight. At this hour we count 92 dead. Mostly teens. Killed by an insane masmurderer at a political summercamp at Utøya. Just about an hour before he had blown up the government buildings in Oslo.

Oh, I'll admitt it. I thought it was an Islamic activist at first. I realy did. But he was not. He turned out to be a fullblooded Norwegian christian, conservative, rightwinged, racist..

So know this: Terrorism comes in all shapes, and from all kinds of sick people. It does't matter if you are a muslim or a christian..a sick mind has nothing to do with religion. It just hides behind it!

We in this little peaceful corner of the world have been shaken firmly in our belives in freedom. We must not let this get to us!! We must not let it put an end to true and free democrasy. He can harm us, and even kill us, but he can't kill whats inside the people of Norway! We are united in this belive! We are strong, and we will grow even stronger from this!!

But please....take some time to remember...even a masmurderer are somebodys child...
Pray for his folks as well as for the victims and their familys.

Love Ravn.

Tired

Sometimes it is good to be all alone...or almost alone. The nurses are there all the time :(

Granny is going to be with Dad's family for a week. So Sander and Lasse are going to stay on the farm to babysit Iver while I'm having fun in hospital draining tomorrow.
I don't mind them going. I am not great company.Sander wanted to stay here, but I urged him to leave. I think I need to be by myself for a while. Besides I will be hurting badly most of the time anyway.

Nothing seems to cheer me up nowadays...I realy don't care anymore what happens to me. I know...it is not good. But I cant bring my self to care. I am so damned tired of it all. I feel old and spent...I feel done...

Don't get me wrong. I am not going to kill myself. I just don't know how to find anything pleasent in my life anymore. It is as I lost the will to fight...and I can't find it even if I am trying. Wich I am not....sorry..

Sander is better of without my gloomy disposition ...I even think..in the middel of the night..when pain keeps me awake..that he and Lasse would be a good match. Even wishing for it...cause then I would not have to keep going on...I am so unbelivable,utterly fed upp and tired...I think I resign...

I am sorry..forget it, will you...
Sorry..

One wedding and a funeral.

Yes, I am still alive. Not feeling very good, but alive..

Tomorrow there's gonna be a wedding, and I am going to atend! No matter how much I hurt.. I am going to be there for Trine. I will just stuff myself with painkillers, and do my best. So wish me luck!

Days go by in a blur..nothing is realy fun or good when I am like this.

Sander and Lasse has been up North to get Lasses things and clean out his and Arns apartment.
They brought Arns ashes with them back here. Next week Adrian will come down, and there will be a small funeral-ceremony as Arns ashes will be buried next to his parents.
I think it will be good for Lasse to have a grave to go to.
He had a very rough time cleaning out the apartment. Sander and Adrian helped out, but to go through Arns stuff and sort of move him out of his life....that must have been hellish. I am glad Sander was with him.

And the summer just slips away...it has been lousy so far. Not much sun, but warm and damp. I hate that kind of weather! It makes me feel iritable and sticky all over. I long for sunshine and dry wind...but it is not as I am going anywhere...my body wont allowe anything but laying in the hammock anyway...
I am as usual no fun to be around.

How are your summmer?

Love Ravn

LIve from hospital...

Hi! This is me live from hospital!
I am still in here. My pain is little less severe due to the morphinepump. But I still don't feel great. I had a pretty high fever when I got in Monday, but they have managed to bring it down now.

So heres the thing: They want me to have surgery to my prostate, and posibly my nuts as well. I refuse! I can't se how messing with my damaged prostate can cause anything but more pain and a possible impotence. Hell, I don't want to be deprived of my boner! So as long as they can't garantie that surgery will help. I wont let them. No way. The possibility of spreading inflamation from my chronic inflamed prostate to the rest of my body is also significant. That would probebly kill me. So no, I wont!

I miss Sander and I miss home. He is not feeling good. So the nurses back home wont alow him to come and se me. Lasse has been here every day. Iver and Chris were here yesterday. They are going back to the farm tomorrow. Maybe we will have them again later this summer. With me and partly Sander in bad shape they have not had much fun this week.

The urologists are discussing the whole draining thing. Is there another way? Can they be less brutal? They don't know it seems. So I guess they are still going to torture me every fourtnight.

It is boring to be here bedridden, but I am in to much pain to realy care. I sleep alot and dream wiered dreams.My drugged mind can't focus on reading. And I hope u will excuse me for writing even worse english than usual.

My main problem now is Trines wedding a little more than two weeks from now. I am suposed to be her "Maid? of honour" (what do you call me? Man of honour?)and that's impossible if I lay here..:(
I missed Millas birth cause of this fucking fragile body of mine. And i just wont let it screw up Trines wedding too! No way!! I am gonna be there for her even if they have to carry me!

Looks like I am gonig for bloodtests. Have a nice day all (or my one reader, Firethorne)

Love Ravn

Shitty week...

It has been sometime since I wrote. We have been ocupied out on the farm or out in the sun in our garden, but now it is raining.

My draining last week went real shitty and caused me to bleed. I still hurt from it big time, and is going back in to hospital tomorrow to se if if they can do something to ease my pain. As it is now it totally wears me out.
I am in a hellish mood to, and no fun to be around.Since the house is full I have to pul my act together, but today I begged Sander to take Lasse,Iver and Chris to the movies so that I could get a break.
It feelt good just to be with Tim the nurse and let out some frustrasion and a flood of tears.

Tonight I have a fever, fuck...I have not told anybody yet, but I know the signs. So if after tomorrow I go silent all over again you know that the hospital keept me for the time beeing.

I am gonna try to get some sleep now.

Love from a sad, tired and drugged Ravn.

Prince!!!

Guess who's coming to Oslo! And guess who's got three tickets :D
I am so exited I can barely wait! Juli 23. And we just got to be ok that night! I am going even if they have to carry me! This is a dream come through for me...Now I will just wait for Tom Waits to decide to come to Norway:)

here he is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZhKyVfb76c

Just when you think life is great...

....life kicks you're but. Again..

We have had some wonderfull weeks both Sander and me. In fackt we have had a normal life for sevral weeks! I have so enjoyed it, and I realy thought that sex-overdoseing had solved my problem, but allas...

This Mondays draining was back to normal. Painfull and hellish.
And on top of that Sander had an attack Tuesday.It was one of the hardest most scary attacks ever, and he is still in hospital totally worn out by it.

I am back on my feet now, but I am tired and maybe a bit depressed. Lasse is having a case of the blues too, missing Arn terrebly. It is understandable, and I can't comfort him. I can just be here and let him cry on my shoulder (or fuck me...haha)

Beautiful Arn...how we all miss him. It is so strange to think of that we will never ever see him again. Forever is a realy long time.

After a warm, sunny start of May, the rain has got it's grip on Oslo. Pouring down on my missery. The house feels cold even with a fire in the evenings. I have sleept holding Lasse thight both for warmt and comfort. He is still asleep, but I had to get up to take a painkiller.

We will go to see Sander this afternoon. Hopefully he will get out of hospital on Monday...but I think the doctors worry. Why did he get an attack again now? Why so hard??

Ill give u something cute to look at. Here's Sweedish Eric Sade!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nfx0OMM2u0A

Beautifull morning...

I was going in to drain this morning, but due to a minor carcrash the Doc that drains me could'nt be there. So here I am :D

I woke up alone and deserted in our bed this morning. It was early due to the hospitalapointment..Sander and Lasse were suposed to come with me. Lasse is borrowing Trines car at the moment and would be driving. I could'nt find them anywhere, but heard the shower running in the basement bathroom. There they were. It is a big showerstall with glassdoors down there. And they where both in the shower.
Water splashing over their naked bodys. Sander faced me. Eyes closed. With Lasse standing behind him. Suporting him with one hand around his waist, the other around his cock.
He was jacking it slowly while biting his neck and sliding his cock between Sanders buttocks. They looked so damned sexy! I sat quietly down on the tolietseat to watch.

Sander moaned. Eyes closed all the time while Lasse massaged his hard cock. His body shivering with pleasure from Lasses treatment. He was gonna come any second now. My own cock was almost painfully hard. I just had to tuch it.
So as my love shot his load down the showerdoors, and Lasse came with a muffled scream, I came all over the bathroomfloor and made a real mess in there. Both of them looked up just in time to se what happened. And I was realy embaressed.

I then entered the showerstall and we washed each other of before getting dressed and ready for hospital.

Lasse is staying. He is on sickleave for some time, but he wont move back up North. We will go up there together later on to help him pack and clean out his and Arns apartment. And for the time beeing he can stay in the basement in our old room for as long as he likes.

I fell like I have gotten an extra day this week. Wonder what I am gonna do with it?
The weather is summery and quite warm. So I guess working on my tan might be an idea.
I hope you all have a wonderful Monday out there.

Love Ravn

Greatings!

I am sorry. It has been far too long since I wrote in here. Is anybody still reading?

As Sander told you I had to go to hospital again due to another inflamation. This time they cured it relatively fast, and that gives hope that they finaly have found something that kicks the shitt!

I have been in bad shape since, and somewhat depressed. Feeling empty inside... there was nothing to write about.I have been bad company too. At least until Easter.
Then Lasse came down to stay... he is still here actually :)

He is taking the loss of Arn with great strenght.Of course he has his moments, but he is not one to let them brake him down. He says he can feel Arns love still, and feel that he is with him someway, and that Arn is fine, all well and beeing with his parents.That is so comforting to know.

The three of us has spendt the Easterweek out on the farm, and had a great time. Especially since our part of Norway decided that it is summer! We have had the most wonderful warm summer weather, and everything suddenly exploded into a frenzy of flowers and green leafes. We went straight to summer from the long, hard winter! Spring lasted for maybe a day or two! Sometimes this happen up here in the northern parts of the world.We are so blessed...

Having Lasse here also means having sex. Threesomes now, and lots of it! Sander says Lasse is the only person on earth that is more horny than me. But I think he is just suffering from lack of sex. He needs a new lover, but he is not ready for that yet.
So he can play with us until then, no sweat! I have had so much sex these Easter hollydays that even my draining on Monday did'nt bother me as much as usual!
There was realy nothing left to drain...

We are back home now, and working in our little garden to get it ready for summer.
Sander has got the hang of his weelchair outdoors now, and his back is much less painfull.
We have not given up on the thought of moving, but are now looking for a path to build on together with Trine and Simon. That way we can have the house we want.
But it is hard to find something near here. The propertys are very prizy.

I hope all of you had a fine Easter as well. Greatings from three suntanned Norwegians!


Love Ravn.

Short update.

Ravn has been in hospital again. He is ok now but still weak and tired.
He asked me to go in here and wish you all a happy easter.

Take care.

Sander.

Surprise-surprise!

In my life...whenever someone close has died. There has always been someone new beeing born. But this time it did not look like that was gonna happen.

But life is full of surprises!
Yesterday My beloved best friend Trine told us that she is gonna have another baby:) Yey!!

Millas dad, and her boyfriend, Simon is at last ready with his education...and is moving back here. The baby was not quite planned yet, but shit happens!
So now we are looking at a wedding, a new baby, and they need a place to live to start the new life as a family.

We have been talking about trying to find a place with two apartments, but they are hard to come by. But we want to live near to each other. So we will intesefy the searc. Trines baby are due medio September. And is going to be a boy!!! I just know it is! :))

It is hard...

Once again back from hospital and draining...and this time might be the last time that I have to stay in hospital afterwards. Our nurses are learning how to adminster my drugs and adminster the morph cat. I should look forward to it, but I am not sure I do..I can get more rest in hospital, and I can give a fuck about other people than myself. At home I always feel I have to pull my act together as not to scare the others with my pain. And it has been nice to think of nobody but me.
It also mean we will have nurses here all night the first nights after draining. So much fuzz over me...

Trine and Sander came to visit me in hospital last night.Trine is looking great this days, she has a certain glow about her. Maybe beacuse Simon is finaly done with school this spring, and they can find a home of their own to move in to with Milla.
We have been talking a little about trying to find a two-apartments-house that we could share. But i dont know yet how realistic that is. I like the idea though.

I am still thinking a lot of Arn, and of Lasse...of how his life is going to change now. In time he will get a new lover for sure...but he will have to adjust to a life without Arn first. We all will have to adjust...

I remember the first time I saw him...the first time he and Lasse came to stay with us. Long blonde hair in a ponytail, brown skin, jeans-overall(i dont know the english name for jeans with suspenders sort of) nothing underneat, a blue baseballcap,shy blue eyes, red converses on naked feet under roolled up jeans. He was so unbeliveable handsome and hot! He could have been a male modell for sure....and who knows...he might have ...if he had been well. It was the same beautiful Arn i saw for the last time laying in his coffin...and my first thought was: How can they burn him!! He is much to beautiful! They just cant!! Sick, I know..

But now they have...and the worlds most beautifull boy has gone out of time....man..it is hard. So fucking hard.

An angel in Levi's...

We have said our goodbyes to darling Arn. It was a very beautiful, meaningful seremony in the church. The church was packed with people and flowers.
Their local priest held the most beautiful speach...saying that God understood Arns pain and why he couldnt live anymore. I think that gave comfort to a lot of people.
Adrian held a beautifull speach for his brother....and then Lasse.

Oh, God! I almost didn't make it through his speach...how he described his life with Arn with pure love...oh, we all knew that there had been many hard times due to Arns illness, but he focused on the wonderfull, strong love between the two of them...a love that lasted all into eternity...and how grateful he was for holding him when he left this life....

I cried my eyes out. I think we all did.

There was music..Arns favorit song Dire Straits "Brothers in arms" ....Norwegian Vamps beautiful song "Kim du nå va" (whoever you where) and finaly Lasses song to Arn Green days "When it's time"...

I could almost feel his precense at that stage...even though I had seen him before the service took place...in his white coffin..looking astonishingly beautiful and angelic with his long blond hair and his beloved faded Levi's shirt and jeans.
Beautiful...but fragile like glas or paper...I could tell that his spirit was gone...only the shell of his body remeined.


Dearest Arn...how we shall miss you down here...but I saw your face without the lines of years in pain. And I knew ...that youre safe and happy...

Somehow if feels comforting...knowing there will be a gay angel with blond hair wearing Levi's watching us from up there..

Rest in peace forever...sweet angel.

Love Ravn.

Dire straits for u:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhdFe3evXpk

Vamp:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFr8fAdyknU

Greenday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-ukihUyfU0

Arn II....

I am going up North today. To join Sander and Lasse. The funuralservice for Arn will be held tomorrow.(Friday) Then in spring his ashes will be burried next to his parents here in Oslo.
It turned out to be verry expensive to take his body down here by plane. So this was a better solution.

I am not feeling so good after Mondays draining, but I want so much to be there....so I'll take the morningflight anyway...Yes, we are survivors...but that not mean that I am brave and optimistic all the time...rather the oposite..
But they say "Wat doesnt kill you...make you stronger, and I guess that is true.

It still hurts verry much. But I can understand Arns decision, I think we can only take pain and shit up to a certain level...and that level is difrent for each one of us.
I have been so close to my own...that I know how he has felt deciding to do this. And I dont blame him for doing it.
I belive he is in a better place, and that we shall meet again evetually.

We who belive there is more than this little life here on earth, that it must havebeen someone behind it all....I think it is easyer for us to be comforted.
Sander and Lasse do not belive in God....so for them the loss of Arn is so final.

I am so lucky to have the hope of reunion in my heart, and I am thankfull that I do.

Well I have to pack my bags.. gulp down some painkillers to survivie the planetrip.
And by Monday I will be back home...hopefully with Sander...and maybe even with Lasse..

This is Arns favorite band Greenday...with "Time of youre life" In his memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR6uz_VTCUo

Love Ravn

Arn...

Sander took the morningflight up North yesterday...to be with Lasse.
I am glad he did...Lasse is going to need him now.

I can't realy get it into my head that Arn is dead. Beautifull, sweet Arn...the prettiest boy I have ever seen...gone? He can't be:(

But he is...Lasse woke up Monday morning holding his dead body in his arms...I can't even imagin how that must have felt.
They had a very nice Sunday, with Adrian and his family, and Arn seemed so pleased and better than he had been in a long time. They even made love before they went to sleep, wich he did'nt want to verry often anylonger.
Then sometimes in the middle of the night. Arn stood out of bed, emptied all his painkillers and a bottle of Scottcs...he wrote a short note saying that he was sorry, but he couldt take the pain anymore...then he went back to bed...

My tears stream down my cheeks as I write this...he must have planned it..he knew all Sunday what he was going to do...and he must have been relived sort of..
Lasse told me he looked so peacefull, almost smiling, all the lines of pain on his sweet face gone. Lasse seems so calm and in control of him selves...he says he understands Arns decicion...that he would not want him to suffer anymore...to watch him getting worse and worse....but I guess he is bound to get a reaction sooner or later. And thats why it is good that Sander is with him. His closest friend.

Arns body will be transported down to Oslo for burial next to his parents...Lasse will probebly go back to live here too. Sander and me will offer him our basement room if he wants it. Time will tell.

The funaraldate is not set yet...but I guess sometimes next week. Adrian and his family, Arns aunt, and some close friends will probely come down as well and we can have some staying here, and some staying out on the farm.

I can relate to what Arn did...I mean...I have almost been there myself..I know how desperate you can get from pain...but now I think I can say that I wont go down that road! I cannot do that to the ones that love me.I cant make them suffer like this. At least not while I am sane!

I hope and pray that Arn is in a better place now. Where there is no pain...where he can be with his parents...and wait for the day Lasse arrives.

Love ravn

I don't know how I am gonna say this...

So I just will...

Arn is dead...our beautifull friend, Lasses lover and soulmate, Adrians brother.

We do not know many details yet....but it apears that he has taken his own life.
We are so verry sorry...

Sander has spoken briefly with Lasse on the phone earlier on...he will call again tonight. Then we will know more.

Needless to say we are devastated.


Ravn.

We are survivors!

All tired and fucked up from the draining on Monday. But I am still here.
And it suddenly made me come to the conclusion ...I am a survivor!

I mean...hell, I have pulled through every God damned inflamation ...I make it through these hellish drainings every fortnight...I must have a special kind of strenght...
And I think I know what that strenght is...It is Sander! Without him I don't think I would be alive today...without him I would not realy care.

The pain from Mondays draining still lingers on today...not as fierce, but it is there...making me unable to participate in the daily chores. In the beginning...the first years...the pain lasted only for two days. No it is nearly four...and I spend three of them in hospital. Thats ok...they know how to deal with it, and they master my pain a bit better than we are able to at home.

I am on the sofa up in the livingroom with my laptopp...looking out on a winter wonderland outside.Longing to go skiing or snowboarding. It has been way to long since we did it...and I guess Sander is not able to anylonger..
Thats sad,couse he loves snowboarding. But he just dont have the strenght or balance anymore. His back couses him a lot of pain these days...and mixed with the pain from his nuts it is realy no picknic. My poor sweet baby..
But we hold our hopes up...waiting for spring, when he will be able to use his chair more outside. Hopefully that will take the worst strain of his back and lead to less pain.

Right now he is asleep in the other end of our big cornersofa, blond strains of hair laying across his cheek. looking more beautiful than ever...he has been awake many times during the night trying to find a way to rest that eazes the pain.
But in the morning he finaly admitted to needing a pain-shot...and now, thank God ...he is able to rest and sleep for a few hours.

And to think what he has been going through! Man, he is an even greater survivor than me!! We are both stronger than we think!

But this is how our lives look like most of the days...not much happens...most days life consists of tv and painkillers. But then again...there are days that shine! When we can pretend to live a normal life, and forget about pain and drainings an attacs. The days that makes life worth living.

And we have so much to be thankful for. Each other, family, friends, Milla, our nurses, we are truely blessed in so many ways. We live in a rich country were we've been provided for...if we lived in another part of the world I think we both had been dead by now...

I am getting sleepy watching Sander...I think I will get some sleep too until my painkiller wears out in about an hour. I hope you have a great day out there...and know that you are a survivor too...and count your blessings!

Love Ravn.

We are alive!

It has been a while since I last wrote. We have both been been down with a heavy case of broncites, and me ....beeing an astmatic...well, it was not cool at all.

But by now I have survived that, and another draining. So life goes on.
This week spring has come on a short visit. Giving us melting snow and sunshine. February can be so deciteful! Soon the cold will be back and more snow will fall.

No luck in our "Househunt" so far...but we dont rush into it...in time we will find the perfect home.

So this was just to say we are still alive and kicking!

Love Ravn

Sunday, foggy Sunday....

Another week has gone by...and tomorrow it is "Draining-Monday" once more...
I can't say I look forward to that...but at least we had a fine Saturday..spending it in the city, shopping for some books and grocerys and eating lunch. We still have to much snow for Sander to use his weelchair but we can park in the handicap spaceses so he does'nt have to walk that far.

Our hunt for a new house has not yet payed of...but the search is still going on, and maybe spring is a better time to find a new home. Nothing seems tempting in the middle of all this snow.

We worry a bit about my brother.The police had a razzia where he lives and he was arrested along with 6 other HA's that was present at the moment.That's all we know so far...and I begin to think that it is about time he gets on with a life outside HA...cause he is realy not a criminal. But the sweetest, gentlest boy I know.

Today we are kneedeep in fog. So no going out. Sander still sleeps, but I am starting breakfast hoping it will wake him up. It is late and I am realy hungry.
And I better eat all I can today...the next three days I wont be able to..

I hope you have a less grey and foggy Sunday!

Love Ravn.

I hate January....

It is so grey and cold ...and so un-festive!

Christmas is gone and before us lays an endless row of winterdays
until one can get the slightest glimpse of spring.
And after the most perfect, snowy , cold Christmas... the weather has decided to go for rainstorms and heavy wind. Not cosy at all!!

January is suposed to be the time for new beginnings, for hope and optimism...
Well....our January has been a pain in the ass so far. And it culiminated with Sander having an attack yesterday evening..my poor baby..
This time non of us saw it coming...so it took us completely by surprise.
So now he is back in hospital...and I am here feeling blue.

I wish I had something to do, something to look forward to, some goal to achive...
I feel so useless and idle.Is this rely all life has to offer at 24?
I know I should be content just for beeing alive, but I would like to be useful as well...not just a burden....sigh.

Maybe I can just blame it on January...my inside gets just as colourless and grey as the outside world.

Wel, today Milla has a cold and can't go to playschool. So I have volunteered to take her so Trine can go to work. That at least should be something to look forward to. Even if she wears me out compleatly:) But spending time with her is such a gift. She helps me see the little things in life from her point of view....so if anybody could cure my case of the Januryblues it must be sweet Milla.

I hope u all feel a tad more optimistic this grey January Tuesday...take care.

Love Ravn.

A brand new year!

Happy new year to all of you out there who still take time to read about our miserable life!

*****************************************

I am back home from my first draining in 2011. Hellish as usual.

*****************************************

But....we had the most wonderful Christmas!!
We where back from grannys house on the farm the day after New year...
So we spent over a week with the family. A little crowded at first. But then Iver went with his BF's family up to mountain to ski...and Sander and me got a room to ourselves...

Christmas eve...witch is the big day in Norway...we where all in the big Farmhouse with Ma and Stephan and the kids living there for the moment..Eating good food, playing games and having a good time. Then Nissen (santa sort of) came with gifts for all... pulling a sled through the snow with a lamp lighting up the cold winter night.

*****************************************

Sander and me did not take the presents we got for each other over to the house.. but opened them late that night when we were back at grannys house by over selves.

So now I can reveal what I got for sander. I bought him a gold ID bracelet...on the plate it says "currage" on one side...and the inside says "eternal love"..
And he loved it! He has not taken it of since he got it:)

And I got the most beautiful present too...a Litho made of a Norwegian artist that I love called Kåre Tveter...it is so beautifull and special and I think the most wonderful gift I have ever gotten....exept for this house of course!

Today it is "Thirteenday-eve" in Scandinavia...the day before the 13th day of Christmas and the day it ends for most folks. So Friday we take away all the Chritmas decorations...wich is not quite as festive as putting them up....sigh...

So we will eat the last of the Chrismasfood, drink the last of the Julmust( Sweedish drink)...and have a good time for two more days.