Update Thursday night.

Nothing much to tell u.
Ravn struggles on. His dad came today.
We r all realy scared.

Sander is with him. He refuses to leave Ravns side and so
they once again are together.

Iver.

Update Tuesday.

No change in Ravns condition.
They still keep him asleep.

They have started a treatment on Sander giving him some kind of
shots to the back. It seemes to help him so far.

We worry about Ravn.

Iver.

Update Sunday..

Ravn has been in hospital since Friday.His shitty inflamation is back.
They will start the same prosedure again as last time.
Keeping him asleep while trying to drain it out.

I'll keep u posted.

Iver.

No birdy...

I had a fever all yesterday...luckily nobody noticed...so
I spent the night in hospital with Sander.
He noticed at once though :(
He knows me too well...

Both the fever and the pain have increased this morning....
and I probebly cant hide it anymore..cause I have trouble walking
now due to pain and swelling..fuck

But at least i have seen no birdy yet...
(my fever-fantasy-pet)

Don't want him to come...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejLKrZqFpbg

Fuck...

By this time on Tuesday night the pain from the
draining usually has subsided...
But not tonight...
I still hurt...and I think I might be running a temprature...
Fuck...fuck...fuck

Monday again..

Been with my love in hospital most of the weekend..
Nothing has changed....
He is silent and in pain...and today they went on with the tests..

I've had my usual Monday draining....and have been flat out in bed
ever since..and my love will have to do without me until Wednsday.

Mondaymusic:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9i2fqxSjTI

Sleepless part 2...

I am tired...

I have been at the hospital every night to be with Sander.
He is still giving me the silent treatment...but I try to be patient
I hate fussing myself ...so I wont fuss over him.
Most of the time I am laying in his bed ...just to hold him and stroke his hear.
The tests shows nothing so far...but the pain wont let him be...

My own pain is just a distant reminder now...I am so gratefull for
that breather...I need this break to be able to be strong for him.
I need sleep too...but it is hard.

Wish I could just close my eyes and sleep until morning...
but I sleep for maybe two hours at the time...and that's way to little.

Any good ideas to help me sleep more, anybody?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPs0gr5zbII&feature=related

Insomnia...

I can't sleep...

I have tossed and turned all through the night..
Now it is 4.30 am and I have given up.

The pain from the draining has subsided..
but I miss my love. The bed is way to big and empty.
I think I forgot to mention that he is in hospital.
They kept him when we was in on Monday.
Wanting to run some tests and stuff..

I went to se him last evening...but he is once again
in the silent mood. So I realy don't know how he is.
My guessing would be that he is scared..
The backpain is a new thing...he has not had much of that
before. And it seemes to conect with the groin-pain.
And it must realy hurt...
Maybe it has something to do with the scare-tissue after the surgerys?
I don't know anything so far.

Wish he would talk to me :(

The end of the easterhollydays...

Tonight is the end of easter for me...
Even though it is still a hollyday here in Norway
I have to go to hospital to drain...
And I am bringing Sander too...
He needs a good check-up now...even if he doesn't want to.

Our Doc was here yesterday
and he has put him on morphine for the time beeing.
And he made Sander promise that he will go to
hospital with me tomorrow morning...

We have spent most of the hollydays nesting here in front of the fire
Trine,Simon and Milla been here sevral times...
We have watched movies and played some games..
And we have spoken on the phone everyday with the group out
on the farm.
Tomorrow we will have them all back home.
We have missed them!!

Guess we have had a little taste of how it is going to be like
living on our own..

The last easter hymn...the great Kirsten Flagstad sings
Påskemorgen/ Eastermorning...back in 1956

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDd4RH7Xx0M

Resurrection...

I see that you are tired.

But I can't walk the road of life instead of you.

You must try to go on.

But I will walk beside you.

I see you are in pain.

But I can't take the pain and hold it for you.

You have to endure it yourself.

But I will suffer with you.

I see you will give in

But I can't take your life and live it for you

You must meet it yourself

But I can live beside you.

I see you are afraid

But I can't face your death instead of you.

You must face it yourself.

But I have made life from death for you.

I have made your death to life for you..

Bjørn Eidsvåg/ English version by Ravn

Bjørn sings it..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moYJOdAKVHs

Thine be the glory..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZz5fO2e1Cc

Gethsemane..

Worry, faith, doubt, good, evil, betrayal,
darkness, pain, grief....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDHoTOgeNWE&feature=related

Worry..

I haven't slept much...I feel I have to stay awake
in case he will get worse..

My love is not any better..
And I still haven't done antything but to try to talk to him.
I wont call the doc against his will...I know him so well
and he would feel that as a betrayal.

So I wait and worry...
He himself has to decide when he has had enough pain...
I'll try not to interfere...it is hard, but I know he doesn't want me to

Maybe somebody will call us to hear how we are coping on
our own...I realy hope so..

I can't lie then..

I don't know what to do!!!

We are still nesting up in the livingroom...

He is not getting any better...and his painkillers isn't doing much good now.
I want to call our doc...but he wont let me.

Fuck, I don't know what to do...I wish Granny was here...

He won't talk to me...won't say how bad it realy is..
But I can tell by his pale face
and the way it sort of jerks with pain
when he tries to move..
He has a hard time showing feelings
and signs of what he think is weaknes..
I guess you turn out that way growing up as an orfant
in way to many fosterhomes.
But Grann always seems to find away to get through...
I can't....
So i have tried not to crowd him....to give him some space..
To give him a chance to cry if he needs too...
he seldom does in front of me
unless when he had the attacks.

I think he ought to be in hospital now...but I don't know what to do
I can't call the doc behind his back...

But i can't watch him suffer much longer either...

Fuck..

A perfect nest for him to rest...

My love is upstairs in the tub...

I hope the warm water may ease his pain a bit.

I had to go downstairs cause the sight of his naked,

soapy body made me want to do things to him

that doesn't go well with a acking back and testickles.

I feel so lost when he is the one hurting...

I can deal so much better with my own pain.

His I can't do something about...

just watch how it wears him out :(

And that hurts me too....it realy does.

Trine,Simon and Milla was here...

and Milla is now old enough to sence

when one of us is a bit under the weather.

So she settled for laying on Sanders arm on the sofa...

sucking her tumb while he read her a story.

Rein has been here with the gocerys...

and now we once again are alone.

I have taken my lap-topp up to the livingroom...

and I have lit a fire and lit some candles.

I have borrowed the mattresses from the guest beds

and layed them on the floor

topped with our duves...

some sheepfurs and lots of pillows.

When he comes out of the bath i will dry him of carefully,

and then I will give him a soothing, lavendersmelling hotoilmassage..

and kiss every inch of his body.

And if he wants me to I'll make love to him

in the softest, and sweetest of ways...

I have buildt us a perfect nest up here...we can rest here

until Mondy if we want to...

A sweedish song..

Carola...Nocturne

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5_ki_TtGVc&feature=related

Rainy morning...

Thank u all that comented on my blog yesterday...
here or on mail/msn.. Love u all!!

We have a little pre-taste now
of how it's gonna be living on our own.
Mom and Steph...Granny and Iver
are spending the easterhollydays starting
the work on the farmhouse.
So they wont be home again until monday night .
Sander and me are all alone...
but we have Trine just two houses away
in case anything should happen.

I feel a bit better this morning. I hope Sander does too...
I try to read his sleeping face beside me...
but no signs are visible of either pain or pleasure.
I will soon enough know...
When he hurts he becomes withdrawn...
he likes to lay upstairs on sofa whatching dvds to get his mind away from the pain..
and he doesnt speak much.

I realy hope he is better too..
If so...Trine and Simon will come over today..bringing Milla!
And later on Rein promized to drop by and do some shopping for us
on his way out to the farm.
(in Norway easterhollydays start today..
and the shops close by 2pm They open for a few hours on Saturday
and then they close again until Tuesday)
He and another HA brother is going out to the farm to help..
and I guess they enjoy having a long drive out in the country with their Harleys
after the long, long winter we had.

I was hoping to spend the day out on the porch getting a tan...
but alas...it is raining..
So I guess we will watch some more Lord of the Rings...
we started the marathon yesterday and is halfway through nr 2 so far
(we whatch the extended versions of course)
It is so much better !!

And if he doesn't hurt to much...
since we have the place to our selves we might bring mattresses,
blankets and pillows up to the livingroom later..
and spend the evening making love in front of the fire.

Makes me wanna wake him up just by thinking of it...
and I think I will...
But first I will go up to the kitchen and make tea and buttered toast..
eggs, cheese and marmelade..
And we can have breakfast in bed..

And I can certainly think of a place or too that I'd rather
put that marmelade than on the toast...

Some norwegian music for u
Madrugada and Ane Brun...enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0bihpuJXcQ&feature=related

Friends..

I still hurt today...
And I find the morph sups are not doing their job quite as good as the shots.
Everybody but Sander and me are out on the farm today.
We were too on Sunday and Saturday...
and I think Sander overdid a bit helping to clear out the house..
I can tell he is hurting rel bad today..
but as usual he never says.

I am a bit hurt...
for the first time I think someone cut me out from his blog
because I am gay.
I no longer has acsess. :(

And it is funny how people mail me
and ask questions and then when I answer
I never hear from them again.

The friends I make here in cyber in both this blog
and my Norwegian one are important to me..
cause this life most of the time is more real to me than my irl.
I can't partisipate much in that for the time beeing....
I spend very much time with my computer talking to my friends here.
So when people stop coming to my mns or comenting on my blog it feels like loosing a friend for real...
And I don't have anybody to loose...

To those of u who always stays...thank you so much..
I love you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuxS-9t3tnY

Name meme..LOL

I stole this from Dr. Johns blogg...
It made me laugh...even on a Monday that has been rough on me..

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car) - Toto Landrover(moms car)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe) – Cookies n cream Sneaker.

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal) – Black Dog,

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born) – None Oslo

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name)- Rinvn

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) –Red Urge

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers) – Harald Rolf

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Man Biler.

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) Kolloen Kobenhagen

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower) – xmas tulip

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now) – Mango Briefs

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) – Nada Maple

13.Movie (or porn) star name (first pet, first street where you lived) – Toto Bekkefaret.

About us..(for new readers)

I have gotten mails and questions lately
asking what's wrong with Sander and me...
So even if I have told it before..
I decided to tell once again to all of you new readers..

I have been ill since I was 16.
I have a sort of chronic disease that partly is genetic...
(my grandpa had the same..)
partly comes from a very bad case of klamydia I contracted at 16.
The genetic part is a somewhat defect prostate
that is not able to empty itself completly the way it is suposed to.
So it holds back some fluid inside wich will be infected if it doesn't get out and then somehow infeckt my epididymis. When that happens I'll get a fever and severe pain and I have to go to hospital. This infections happens more often now, and last year they cut my spermcords to se if that helped to prevent the infections going down to the epididymis...it did not..

Turns out it is probely the same old klamydia that has never left my body..
and it seemes it wont... after many,many antibiotic treatments and hospitalisasions.
The infections has gotten more severe over the years and harder to treat...but so far I have survived them...

I have to go to hospital to drain out my prostate once a week to help it stay free of infection.
It is realy no gentel way to preform the draining so it mostly keeps me in bed for a day or two, hurting and puking from pain. I am in pain most days in one form or another...that too has increased over the years.. But some days are still good.

I met Sander in hospital. He was born with damaged,tangled nerves from his spine to his testickles.
That means the pain sensation is a lot stronger in him than usuall...
He also tend to get nonbacterial inflamations to the testickles..

He started gettin this very severe pain attacks at 18,
and has had several complicated neurologic surgerys
to try and fix them.
He has also spent a year in psyc. due to the strain of the first unsucsesfull surgery
The last surgery this year was hard on him, but so far it looks good...
He will still be a chronic cause of the pain that comes and goes...
but the dreaded attacks are hopefully gone now.
All though we don't dear to hope yet.
Last time they came back after almost a year..
So it realy is a bit to early to say

So, this is everydaylife for us...
a very difrent life than most of our friends..
And this is why we are gonna have nurses come and look after us...
when the rest of our family moves out to the farm.

Right here...right now..

He comes downstairs and lays beside me on the bed...
we kiss...his soft lips tastes of fresh"outside air ".
He and Ola has been for a walk.

His hand slides down my stomach...
He smiles up at me...his eyes glittering..
-" You are so hard" !!
I sigh...
-" Mmm I know...I need to get off..
-"Why don't you then"?
He gets that noughty look on his face..and
his hand tickles my tummy.
-"Cause I hurt too much.... I just can't"
-"Oh, my poor baby"!
He kisses me, and kisses my belly too..
Then he pulls off my blanket...and his eyes slides lovingly over my body.
-" That looks yummy".
He breathes a little faster now...and his exitement is very
visible right now.
-"Then try some"
I can hear my voice tremble a little..
He wispers in my ear...
-"I will, baby...I will...

I close my eyes...to the sensation.
I can feel his varm and wet mouth on my body.
Soft and tiny kisses...
slowly making a wet trail down towards the goal.
His tongue circling around my swollen "head"
Softly, carefully, caressing the most tender part of me...
I hold on to his hair...I am suddenly all feelings...
All flames and fire...
I am so easy....

I can't take this much longer...
If he keeps this up I am gonna come..I am gonna come...
I am.....

Sweet,strong shivers spasms through my body...
I hear my voice calling out his name...
I float and sink...
Float..

Him on my chest...sitting there..
I hold his butt...and helps myself to him...
My gourmet-man... his very own
green banana taste soon fills my mouth..

Heaven is right here..
right now...

The pain afterwards is endureable.....
I kiss his pretty face...tasting myself of his lips..

I love him so very, very much...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfJCqgPRxZg

Three in one bed...

It is a foggy old morning here...and I am tired.
I woke up in pain some hours ago..now I am pleasently drugged
on painkillers...

I guess you all must be so tired of me complaining all the time.
At least I am..But I think I need this place to let of some steam
and be honest...I tend to pretend to much these days irl.

Darling Sander is still sleeping...so is Iver..
Yes, we happen to be three in bed this morning.
Iver coming down here in the middel of the night...woken from a nightmare
he would not tell us about..all shakey and scared. It took us a good hour to calm him
and get him back to sleep.
He is doing fine..he is swollen still from surgery but everything
heals up nicely and he says the pain is much less now.

Mine is not this morning...and I need to wank..
To flush out my "system".
I haven't for three days..
But I don't think I can...
Maybe Sander can help later on...

Wakeup jabber...

I am still hanging in there...

The pain has subsided a bit...so maybe by
monday(drainingtime again) I'll be ok.

I hope it wont go on like this...I realy need those days between
draining and hurting to be relativly good.
It scares me that as the years go by I have been a little worse
every year..
In the first years I could go for months without pain..
Now the best I can hope for is for the five days from the drainpain
usually stopps til the next draining to be free of pain.
I know it has to do with my nuts beeing more and more destroyed
from the infections...but still...

At least there's no sign of Sanders attacks...
I just hope and pray that they are gone for good this time.

Oh, and we got a few phonecalls asking about the nursing thing...
One of them...a male nurse who had been trained in urology...
30 years old...could work all hours! We will meet him after the hollydays!
The others were too young and inexperienced ...and too female...lol
We will just have to wait and se if anyone else is responding.

Tomorrow the farmhouse will be formally mom and Stephans..
and they will begin to work on it this weekend.
Pretty exiting, huh?

This was just "trying to wake up" jabber...
Now I realy got to go piss !!!
I got a boner the size of Australia!!!

hehe...