Now I know...

Now I know Sanders secret...

it is ok, he says it is ok to tell you.
But I can't write about it yet. It just makes me cry.

I just want you to know...I love him even more.
And I will never, ever stop doing so.
I can't go back in time and change the past...
but belive me...if I could I would have done so.

Love Ravn.

Sander in the morning II

Hey, I am home again.
Tired but ok apart from hurting a bit.

The reason I write is because Ravn was taken to hospital last night.
The morph shots that use to help him cope with the pain from the draing suddenly stopped working, and the pain became unbearable. Poor Ravn, he has suffered so much now.He does not need this on topp of every thing else.:(

I'll keep you posted.

Sander.

Selfpitty...

Yesterday it happened again...Sander had an attack.

I was out with one of our nurses doing some shopping in Oslo.
And Sander scared the shit of poor Kris
who was the one finding him unconcious
in the hall.
Lucky Iver knew what to do.
He stabelized Sander so he could breath freely
and comanded Kris to get Trine.
And Trine told me later that he was so calm and kind with Sander.
Taking care of him til the abulance got there.

So now I am on my own...
The boys has gone home...I did not want them around for tomorrow.
Sander is in hospital, and I am going there
tomorrow to drain...and I realy don't want too!!!
I have had such a good time now...and I don't want it to end yet :(
I try to think of the benfits of the good days to come after I am done hurting,
but it does'nt help. The pain is much to severe for me now.
Tearing my body to bits...wearing me out totaly.
I saw that Sander had written that it is harder on me...
and he is right...it realy is.

I think my pain is beginning to match his when he has an attack.....

Full of selfpitty...huh..

I am sorry...but I just cant bring myself to do better tonight..
I hope...wherever you are in the world...
that you never ever have to endure such pain...

Never ever...

Love Ravn

Hotel Ravn and Sander...

After some wonderful days with Lasse and Arn...it is time for new guests.
Iver and Kris arrived last night.

While Lasse and Arn spent the time with Sander and me...
going in to town and to the nudybeach.
These two lovebirds will probebly keep to them selves
down in our old basementroom.
Thats ok...
I remember what it was like beeing that young and that horny!


With Lasse and Arns departure...the rain is back.
It doesn't matter..my butt is brown,
and I think I still got some sand in my hair from wonderful
summerdays at the nudybeach.
I cant remember the last time the four of us had
such a great time.
Usually one or two of us is not well.
This time Sander was a little under the weather,
but not so he could'nt enjoy the company.

The nurses are back, Trine is back...
life is back to normal exept for the two horndogs
downstairs that are trying to make up for sevral weeks apart
when Kristan was with his parents on vacation. :)

It is almost noon and we haven't seen any of them yet!
So now this landlord/hotelmannager will take his "bellboy"
out to lunch at Jekyl and Hyde...
Then the two of them can sleep the day away.
I guess they had a buissy night!

Love Ravn.

Sander in the morning.

I had to go here and write. Just to do something other than watch my love suffer.
The draining yesterday was harder than usual on Ravn. I almost had to carry him out to the taxi afterwards, and he spent the ride home crying helplessly in my lap.

Ravn sugested that Lasse and Arn went to the farm to vissit Granny for two-three days. I understand him. It is ok to be alone when you feel realy bad.

So it is him and me now. Like it used to be. Nurses having the week of, and Trine on summervacation. We have her mom next door as a back up. And Dr.Espen a phonecall away. So we are not compleatly left alone.

I read his last blog. It made me sad. Even though it is true. I have withdrawn.
It is easier that way when I hurt. But I promise both to him and you good people out there that I will struggle to be more outgoing. And I will finaly open up compleatly to him. I just need some time, and I need to be more or less free of fysical pain.
Or else I wont manage.

I love him so much. He is my whole life. I won't let him down.

As the morning comes I watch him sleep. He looks so beautiful and peaceful now, but in an hour or so the pain will be almost unbearable. And Dr. Espen will be here to give him another morphine-shot.

It is so hard to deal with a pain that is not my own. I am quite good at that. But when Ravn hurts like this it makes me feel totally helpless.
Not practically. I can deal with him puking and passing out,
but seeing him suffer and cry is pure torture. It hurts my soul,and that is the same kind of pain that I get dealing with my past....the pain that I can't handle.

But somehow, someway I have to. I promise.

Sander.

Wonderfull....

We have had a wonderfull weekend...or at least some of us have..
Sander is still tired and needs to rest a lot.
But Lasse, Arn and I have been to Oslo, enjoying Aker Brygge and TGIF
We have been to Jekyl too...and today I think we all have a slight hangover.
I am so happy for Arn, it is not often that he get to enjoy himself.
So lets hope this lasts for the rest of their stay.

For me the fun is over tomorrow. I have to go in to drain again...
can't say I am looking forward to it..but hey, it is clearly what keeps me on the right side of the dirt...so I'll manage...

As for Sander...he is tired of course...but also back to the silence he uses when things get a bit to much for him.He pretends to be more ok than he realy is now...and it makes me sad. I hope it is just a brave face he puts up in front of our guests...not a step back to old ways.

So I say goodbye for now...hopefully I am ok by Wendsday night...take care
out there ...and as Dan would say: "Keep the rubberside down"

Love Ravn.