As time goes by.

Maybe this will be the last time you will hear from me.

A New year is coming up, and I just wanted to tell you all that I am ok.
I still miss the love of my life, but I have learned to go on with my life without him.


As for now I am alone. Mio turned out to be nothing more than a fling. I was not ready to comitt, And he was way to Young. We split up in  August. Since then I have been in and out of hospital as usual, and I still live at Grannys.  And thats is ok for now.  We can help and Comfort each other, and she misses Ravn just as much as I do. He left a great big hole in this family when he died, and I don't think it will ever disapear.

Even so there is a new little Ravn in our lives this days. Trine gave birth to a sweet babyboy  in Oktober, and he got Ravns name.  He would have been so proud !  Or, maybe he knows. I sometimes think I can feel his precense. Like a mild breeze in the room or a soft kiss on my cheek in the middle of the night. It feels good to have him watch over us. And I have begun to belive that he is with darling Arn, his little babybrother and his grandpa  somewhere up there.

Christmas has been absolutely beautiful this year. Feels like living in the middle of a christmascard out here. I have been ok, and out of hospital since early november, and have enjoyed the holliday for the first time since Ravn died. I have so many memorys that live on, and they will never die.
Like my love for him will live on for as long as I shall live.

I wish you all a happy New year, if there still is someone stopping by Ravns blog. Let me know how you are doing. Love you all.

Sander.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI

Mio.

I am totally confused, scared shitless, a bit ashamed, a bit puzzled, a bit guilyt , but at the same time

I feel alive for the first time in many years it seem.

You see. I have met somebody. His name is Mio, and he is 22 years old, or should I say young. He is WAY too young!! :(

I didn’t meet him just now. I have known him for a while. Heis babybrother came moving in with Ravns mom and stepdad last august .  Due to a troubled relation to his dad, and Mio has been with him a lot. And at first I did not notice him, or of course I did, but I did not care.

 He is real cute and handsome in a wild way. Maybe he reminds me a bit of Lasse in his younger years, but with the biggest, bluest eyes I have ever seen .He has dark brown hair, and he is wearing glasses.  Oh, man he is just beautiful, and I am ashamed.

 How can I even think of him this way.  Me, who would never ever love again when Ravn died ! And now, maybe I can.

 He makes my heart beat faster and my blood rush through my body. He is so young, so cheerful, so much alive. And he is in love with me. With ME of all people!! But can I do this to him? Drag him into my gloomy world. I am no picknick to be with. I am in pain most of the time and partly in a wheelchair. I will not be a great asset to him that's for sure. He deserves someone young, healty and happy,  but man, he makes me feel so verry much alive. I have a heart on the mend, and a body acing for him. I can't think of antything but him. And I fell I am betraying Ravn.

 I hate it, and I love it. Help!!

 Oh God! I don't know what to do.!!

Man…I am SO damned confused!

A New year

This chrismas  has been the worst ever. No snow. Just wind and rain.
Suits me. I have lost the christmas joy that Ravn helped me find with his love.
And I spent most of it in hospital anyway.

It is a new year, and I try to look forward. I wont say I am good at it, but I do my best.

I have decided were to live. I can't go and live in the flat. Even if Ravn and me did'nt get to live there it has to much of him in the walls. So I will put it on the market for rent until I know what to do, and I will stay at grannys for the time beeing. I realise I am not fit to live by myself yet... and even if Lasse and Peter wants me to live with them I have to get a life going of my own..
It also makes granny happy having me there. Losing Ravn has been so hard on her too, and her age has begin to take it's toll on her. She will need me there in the years to come, and I'll be glad to help out in anyway I can. Next to Ravn she is the person in my life I love the most.

  I have been exercising a lot and my back has grown stronger from it.
So I hope that maybe one of these days I will be rid of the weelchair for good. Some good news, ey?

Oh, Ravn...my sweet Ravn.
I think of him every day. And I still dream of him most nights. The scar in my heart still bleeds.
How can it ever heal? I can never love again like that. Not in a million years. He was the love of my life, and I would give anything just to see him, to bee with him once more, but I know that he is gone forever. My heart just want belive it yet.

Iver has moved out from the farm to start a life of his own now at the age of 20. And for the time beeing there are 4 boys living on the farm in need of special atention. I try to help out there too, but the pain still gets the best of me 4-5 days a week, and then I am good for nothing.

I miss msn, and I miss chatting with Dan and the rest of you. How are you all? Are you still out there in the big world?   Let me know.

Sander.