The add is out...

Yes, I am alive..
And if I realy concentrate I think
I am a tiny bit better..at least that's what I say...
I realy don't want to go to hospital !!!

I'll just wait and see if I can get by with just my
regular painkillers. If I can't ...well, then it is
back in...I am not stupid!

I long to have a break now...to do what others do,
go up to the maountains, ski, snowboard, party,
hang out with friends..

But at least we have each other..my love is still sound asleep
beside me. I have my laptopp in bed .Cause I still hurt sitting.

The morningsun shines on his blond hair..making it
glow like gold. And I long for him to wake so I can kiss him.
He too has been in some pain these days..he never says
but I can read it in him. So I guess this will be a quiet day for the
both of us. But who knows...maybe tomorrow will be better?

Oh, btw...
Today the add is out..
About us wanting trained nurses...I am quite exited at this!
I hope somebody answers..and I hope for some male ones...
I'll keep you posted on the progress..

Hey! "Goldielocks" is avake :D
Some parts of him very much awake...
by the look of his naked body....

Yummy....

I've had enough..

I just had my morning shot of morph.
Makes me sound like a junky doesn't it?
Well, sometimes I feel like one too..

Yesterday was bad...and the pain afterwards
has been worse than ever..and I am so damned
tired of it all. I realy need to get me some sleep now.
My doc who came by the house half an hour ago
said I have to go back in hospital if the pain
doesn't go away by tomorrow..
and then they will give me a spinal catheter.
Wich I hate..blæææææææh

Sander is sleeping..and the whole family has
those worried looks again over me..
He has them too...

And I just feel guilty, desperate and totaly down.

Don't want this shit anymore..
I've had enough..

Good Morning!

In a minute I will be on my way to this
Mondays draining in hospital...
Can't say that I look forward to it..

I am feeling a little better...so that wont last..
We had a marvelous sunday yesterday..
Sunny and beautiful..The snow is still high in the garden
but spring is in the air..

I have been a very good boy and stayed of sex (almost)
Poor Sander..
Trine is going to drive me and Iver to hospital .
Sander has an apointment back at rehab for a check up
and granny is taking him. So I'll get no help with my
spermsample this morning..:(

I wish u all a nicer Monday than mine...

Here is the norwegian band cc cowboys...IN NORWEGIAN haha..
Tigerboy....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0AzQRGd7eU

To much of a good thing...

Well ...I am back home..
I still hurt, but I managed to talk myself out of hospital.
I prefer to be home with Sander.
He has been trusted to manage my morphine sups..
and that works fine.

I am very tired after beeing in pain of a level of maybe 8
all week ...but mostly I am glad to have my love here.
He is my favorit medecin!

As for the pain...my uroligst asked me what I had been up to
to make the pain go on for so long after the draining.
(As if he didn't know that Sander was home...hah! )

I told him we just might have been a little overanxious
with the sex. He just sighed and shook his head.
Then I said that he always told me to have an orgasm at least
once a day to help my prostate drain the natural way.

And he looked at me over his glases and said...
"Yes, once or twice but the two of you goes at it like rabbits in heat!
Please slow down a little.
Give your body some time to heal man!"...

He made me blush..and feel kind of stupid.
Then he said that he wondered how I managed to stay so horny
in spite of all the pain and shit I had gone through.
And by that he made me blush again..

Well right now I hurt to much to be horny...
even with a naked Sander sleeping next to me..
I just lay here and enjoy him beeing so close..


Have a nice weekend everybody!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo_0UXRY_rY

Update.

Hey all !

Thank you for all prayers,hugs and kisses !
And thank you for suporting Ravn all the time
when I was away in hospital and rehab.

I write this to tell you that Ravn is In hospital.
The pain from the draining wouldn't stop this time.
And the doctors wanted him to stay in for a couple
of days.
Try not to worry. He has no sign of inflamations
and no fever. Just the pain.

He'll soon be better !

Sander.

mean,.

Mmmm it was mean...ok.
Had a bad,bad day...

Waiting for a morph shottt...so I can sleep
Hurt somuch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2gXMRoPv_M

A different Monday..

The most wonderfull weekend...
followed by yet another mean Monday.

As usuall I have to go to hospital to for draining..
and as usuall I am gonna hurt like hell, puke,
fainth and be drugged out on Morphine
for a couple of days...

But..

For the first time since christmas I have
Sander by my side. he will come with me.
He will hold my hand through it all..
and that makes the whole difference..

Wish me luck...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKm_dzm55WU&feature=related

Saturday ...

First I like to say thank u from both Sander and me..
for all kind mails and comments ...
Hugs and kisses to u all!!

It is realy amazing to have him home again...
To wake up in the light of dawn..with my nose
burried in his long blonde hair.
Spooning him ...holding him.

To watch him turn around...still half asleep
and press his varm sleepy body against mine
Feel his arms around my neck...his lips against mine
it is heaven!!

We stayed in bed until about 2.pm..
Then granny came down and discretly knoked on the door
to see if we still were alive, and if we wanted some brunch.
Sander has a bit dificulty walking the stairs...but he will
improve.
We were both in some pain today...
but wanted each other to much to bother with it.
Love making is a great painkiller !
But right now I hurt...

Tonight I watch him sleep again..his warm skin
strangely golden in the dim lampelight..
He is so beautiful..

Granny and mom been to se Iver..his pain
has finally slowed down a little...so he was able to
talk now. And is recovering nicely the nurses said.
I am so pleased to hear that.

We have been lazing upp on the sofa..watching movies.
Ending the evening with a rerun of "Interviev with the vampire"
And now I have this song playing in my head over and over
and over...

Here in the real version...look how sexy old Jagger
once was!! LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuTiTfbfy7Q&feature=related

Sander is home !!!

I have it all right now...
I have my love with me...asleep in our bed
I don't know if I am able to sleep tonight...cause I am
sort of bubbeling over with all those happy feelings.
I just want to lay here beside him all through the
night and listen to him breathe...


Sander is home ! My lover...my lifelight...
my Goldielocks...




We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will
never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?


Snow Patrol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TiRa_DwalQc

It is not fair !!

Life is realy not fair...why is it that
Iver had to get his nut ruptured?
Why couldn't it have been some other guy?
Someone who never had anything painfull
happening to him...

Granny was with him all day...then mom and me took
over tonight. Poor Iver...getting intravenous morphine
and still not totally painfree..
A ruptured nut must realy hurt so goddamned bad..
And the scaring may cause him to have problems later too..
It is not fair...

I was with Sander tonight too..
I hadn't seen him since sunday..
He is better now...and I just can't wait to get him home!!
I long so much for him to cuddle up next to me in bed..
My love...

Poor, sweet Iver..

Last nigh Iver came down to my room looking pale and scared.
-" Ravn? Can I sleep here tonight?"
-" Of course you can!" I cleared away all sorts of magazines, kleenex,
waterbottles and other junk from Sanders side of the bed.
A shivering Iver climed in to the bed.
I tucked the duve around him.

-"Are you in pain?" I put a hand on his forehead..
He nodded.
His forehead was a bit hot...but not feverish hot..
I gave him one of my painkillers and some water..
He gulped down the pills and closed his eyes.

- "Are you feeling sick?
He nodded without opening his eyes..
- " Swollen? I continued asking him.
He nodded again. Biting his lip...
-" Do you want me to take a look?" Or to call my doc?
- " You look...he wispered..

I pulled of his duve and he pulled his boxers down..
And I almost choked...
His nuts were very,very swollen and the left one had a big bruise.
WTF!!
He said nothing...but bit his lip even harder to stop the tears that
was about to come..

How did this happen ? What did u do?
I was shocked at the sight..
-" It was Ola "...tears beginning to show now..
-" He wanted to play and sort of jumped me...placing both paws in my groin"..
- "But why didn't you tell someone? Why didn't you say"??

He snifled..
- "Don't wanna be a sissy...
Don't wanna bother anybody..
not with u in so much pain after draining and all.
I thought it might go away".

- "Iver, realy"...I hugged him
- "I think U need to go to hospital...
I think one of your nuts is bleeding.".

I called doc Espen...and I got Stephan to come and take a look..
Iver was crying now...burying his face at my neck.
I held him and tried to comfort him

- " This must realy hurt like bloody hell" !!
Stephan turned all pail at the sight...
-"How long have u been like this?
When did it happen?"
- "I don't remeber" Iver cried ...
- "Sometime this afternoon".
We steard at him in disbelief...
- " But you have shown no sign" I said...
You have pretended to be ok all that time.."

- "I didn't think you would care.."
Iver sobbed against my shoulder.

Stephan and me looked at each other..
there and then we begun to realize how
Ivers life must have been before he came here.
I saw Stephans eyes tearing up..
He reached out and stroke Ivers hair..
- " We care" he said .
.-"We will always care, Iver"..

Then everything happened real fast...Espen came, the ambulanse came.
And of to hospital he went. I was not alowed to go with him
due to the draining and the morph that was about to wear of..

They operated on him right away last night...managed to save
his nut..but he is gonna be in a lot pain for the next days..
He so did not deserve this!!

Poor, sweet Iver..

Goodnight- blogg

I have had the best weekend in many months...
I have spent most of it in rehab with my love.
Loving him...hehe

And now I am facing reality once more..
with another draining-day coming up.
I REALY don't want to..blææææ
But I know I have no choice..
Iver is coming to hospital too
He has had some pain in his nuts
over the weekend..and he is to
give a spermsample too..poor boy
he gets realy embaressed ..

Sander and me have talked a lot ..
(There u see...we don't fuck 24/7 !)
The state or what u call it has offered us to pay
for us to have nurses fulltime at our house.
That means 3-4 persons will work all hours on shift
to take care of us. And that granny will be free of duty
so to speak. And we have decided to go for it!
At easter mom and Stephan is begining to resature
the farmhouse...and I know how eager she is to help.

So Sander and I am gonna be employes sort of..
we agree that we will prefer male nurses if posible.
Thinking that males can better understand the nature of
our pain. What do u folks think?

It is time to sleep now...time to talk a little while
to Sander on the cellphone....and love us
to sleep..

Good night to all...

Someone who watch over me...

I guess Sander fell asleep on me last night..
He didn't phone me as usuall and I wouldn't phone him
in case I would wake him.

I have had a good nights sleep again...but this morning
the pain was quite bad..maybe I have slept on the side.
That usually gives me pain if I don't put a pillow between my legs.

Iver was not feeling so good last night...complaining that his
nuts hurt again...so we will just have to wait and se how he is today.
With any sign of swelling or fever it is straight to hospital.

....................................................................

I am still in bed...surfing blogs and hoping for someone to come to msn
But there are few early birds around.
I have gotten a few good friends in cyber over the years.
Murmel u all know by now...Timmy, Rille, Hasse,
And the latest additions HB, Butterflies and Firethorn.
I always look forward to hear from u..

But there is one man I love the most..
A man I have known for almost 4 years I think.
A man that gets up at 3 am every single morning just to
talk to me on msn. We have a 9 hour timediference.
So he spends this early hours before he has to go to work
with me ...or sometimes with Sander..and even Iver.

His name is Dan...and I refer to him now and then in my blogg.
He is old enough to be my dad or Ivers grandpa...
Iver think he looks like Santa...or a cross between
santa and a biker...lol

I think Dan has taken more shit from me than anybody...
He is my freezone, my garbage dump, my lost dad...
in this sometimes hopless jail I am inn..
With Dan I can be honest...
I can be as weak or strong..
childish or grownup that I like...
I can hurt and cry and curse...
He is always there to suport me..always there to comfort.

Oh, he gets me angry too....cause he can fuss a bit when I am
not eating properly or drinking to much coke.
But mostly he is my sanctuary...where I can weep..and swear
and almost give up on life.
He always pulls me through.
Always makes me see that there is a way..that there is
a God..

Thank u man, for your everlasting suport and love..
We all love you so much...

Here is Dans song for Sander,Iver and me...
That he wanted to dedicate to us on a radioshow last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU&feature=related

So I give you this, Dan...you are my true "someone"...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7MvoRzmLw0&feature=related

X-rated overnight-stay...

First of all someone is spamming my coments...
I don't know who u r...
but please continue if it makes u feel nice..
I just delete everything anyway...

............................................................

I hadn't even gotten inside the room yesterday
when Sander flung himself around my neck...
kissing me wildly..
He had made a "do not disturb" sign and pinned to the door...
and I didn't waste my time...
lifting him up and carrying him to the bed..
where I undressed him ...
and in no time had him on his back under me
leggs wrapped around my waist.
No time even to take of my jeans...
My eyes lost in his...kissing him until he climaxed..
and then I came too
at the feel of his ass contract around my cock.

When I wanted to pull out he made me stay...
moving my still hard-on slowly inside him...
he too grew hard again against my stomack.
His hips moving up to meat mine...
his hands clutcing my ass...
and then some 5 minutes later we both came again..

We made love with a frenzy that was almost scareing..
I have never,ever seen him
this eager...this wild and horny. And man...did I love it!! :D
I love the way my cock inside him makes him cum...
the way he bites his lip when he is near climax...
the way hes body shivers and jerks...

Later on I let him fuck me slovly...laying on my belly on the bed.
Just feeling the orgasm building up... and for each time he moved
inside me.. my cock rubbed against the sheets....
Until the climax slowly,sweety drisseled through
my body and became a big strong flow....
and I felt his dick pulsating inside me
making me bite the pillow as to keep my "sound" down....
and I shed some happy-tears afterwards.
Wow..

I don't know how many times we made each other cum...we lost track..
And sometime in the still of night we fell asleep...me holding him
tightly in my arms his chin resting against my chest.

And like that his physioteraphist found us this morning
when Sander was late for his trainingsesion...lol
He looked a bit stunned at the sight of us...the poor man..
but said nothing ..

So we sleepily hit the showers...washing each other of...
kissing..ending up 69ing on the showerroom floor..
before he had to go down to the gym.

Then I grabbed me a cab and headed home..
Here I colapsed on my bed and slept until 1 pm..

I hurt a bit now...and my whole "system" is kind of sore
but hey, it is soooo worth it!!

I just can't wait...

When the pain from the draining subsided...
I found that the general pain I was in
had become more distant too..

And I have slept for almost 6 hours now without interupting
for painmedication..
With Sander talking me to sleep on the phone last night
and then having phonesex.. I slept like a baby.

Iver and me has started to whatc this lame realetyshow
on tv called paradise hotell...(thats why I am ocupied 9.30-10.30 pm )
Iver mostly because every teen do I think...
Me because one of the boys reminds me so much of Sander!
He is just gorgeus! I hope he is to stay on a long time..hehe
At least til I get the real thing back home with me..

I will go to visit Sander tonight! And I can hardly wait!
His roomy is home on leave this week and I hope
that it means that we can have "a good time"

Just the thought of that makes some parts of
me very much awake right now...
And my fantasy spinning of..

Oh, I cant wait!!!

Old Yeller...

The end of a hellish day...
And I am still alive..

I yell at everybody...including Dan, on msn...sorry man :(
All I realy want to do is crawl under my bed and stay there
til the cows come home...
But i have had Sander on the cellphone most of the evening.
And he is realy having progress now!!
And I think he is getting even more horny than me !!
I love that !!
And maybe...just maybe he will come home next week !
He is now able to walk with a stick...and he doesn't fall over
so much anylonger. He still has a bit trouble with pissing..
it is like when he got to go he's gotta go right away..
That can be a bit embaressing...

Well...my damned morph is starting to wear of...
I cant write anymore.

Have a good night all..

Ouch...

I think today was the most painfull draining ever..
I passed out thankfully...so I guess thats how I survived...

They tried to talk me into staying in uro...but I refused..
and because uro is realy cramed with people right now
they didn't force me to stay.

My Stephdad is the big strong type...so he partly
carried me to the car afterwards..where I lay in the backseat
all the way home trying not to puke..

Right now I am druged and happy...
but I fear hell will brake loose again in an hour or so..

I am left with my Stephdad only today..I guess he is
the only one that still can stand to be with me...
But that is ok...I can cry infront of him...it doesn't
bother me so much...cause he doesn't fuss.

Whis me luck...

From a distance...

Once again I look at their tired faces...
and I hate myself for doing that to my family.

I want them to be happy, rested and even a bit careless..
carefree...
Instead I got them to worry about me.
As if Sander in rehab wasn't enough...

Dear granny...she realy deserves a "time out" from beeing
our nurse and caretaker all these years...
She could have had such a good life...maybe living with dads family
with nothing much to do exept baking cookies with my babysis.
Instead I watch her looking sad over me...
and making me hate myself even more..
I know they will be sad if I die...but I think time will heal them..
and eventually they would all have a better life...

I had some unexpected visitors yesterday...Simon,Mikkel and Peter...
Yes, THAT Peter...It's been a long time since he tried to flirt his way
into my bed...And sweet, shy, Mikkel...both of them just as queer as
Sander and me....but none of them acepting it...

Peter is living with yet another girl...fucking boys on the side as usual
And Mikkel still is seeing no one...he has been single for quite sometime now.
And I doubth that he has ever slept with a guy...exept for that "fooling around
with me acident up in the mountains"

But taking a closer look at them...I suddenly knew...
Peter did fuck him !! And now Mikkel had fallen in love...
That is so wasted...
Peter will never ever give up his "prince of pussy"
image. He will fuck Mikkel for the sex...
but he will never love a guy
the way Mikkel deserves to be loved...
and I felt so bad for him.
But maybe that is a way to avoid
dealing with the fackt that he is gay..
falling in love with boys you cannot have...
first it was me...
now it is Peter...

The boys didn't stay long...
they where heading for Peters place for beers and shots
before having a party-night.

I admitt....I felt a bit envious..
Like I had grovn old long before my time...
It seems like another life when we used to party
at "Jekyl and Hyde"...
And now I can only watch them have fun from a distance...
Like the rest of my life...I realy don't live it either...
I just watch it pass by...

From a distance..

U can read more about Peter here..
.http://nightwatcherandflamekeeper-ravn.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-love-is-sleeping.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOcmWuCYVXg&feature=related

Sleeping with Sander...

It realy is early Saturday morning here..
All throug the night I have had Sanders voice in my ear...
talking to me on the cellphone..

My doc has given me Morphine sups again...and my stephdad
manages them. They have provided me with
a few hours of much needed sleep.

Drifting in and out of dreamland and Sanders calm voice
soothing me...making me relax so that I hurt less.
I still have my earplugg in and I can hear him breath
silently in his sleep. And mentaly I have his hand
in mine ...

My doc want me to go to hospital again...but
I refuse..
I want to be here in my bed. Don't want to share
this pain with any stranger I happen to be shareing
a room with.
And the sups makes it a little easyer to stay put.

I need to jack of...due to my prostateproblems..
At least once a day "uro" says..
but I don't think I can right now..
And it is bound to hurt as well
When cuming hurts I can't do it..
I need to keep that part separate from
the pain...it can't stop beeing about pleasure!
I think that when or preferably if ..that happens ...
I wont be able to fight my illness anymore...

Stephdad's just been down here with another sup.
in a moment it will take the edge of the pain and
I can sleep some more...making my breath one
with Sanders...as together as we can be ...
beeing so far apart.

Bitching...

I have been a bitch today..
But when I hurt like this..when the pain
keeps me on the edge of crying all the time
I can't stand it if anybody tries to confort me
at least not Granny or Iver...
I do feel mean....but that's the way I feel.

But when trine came around this morning
I let her lay in bed with me ....and stroke my back.
Then I fell asleep for awhile on her arm.
Think I have a problem with showing Iver my tears.
I am suposed to be the strong one...to suport him
not the other way round.

Sander has tryed to get a leave from rehab
to come home and be with me..
But they wont let him:(
That is ok...I realy don't want him to see me
like this either...

pain

It iss half past 5 am
I've been awake for hours...my painkillers wont give me any ease..
and I already took to many...witcth makes writing a bit difficult
and my head spin.
I need morpine but it is to early to call my doc.
so I jsut lay here shaking with pain and nousea...
Maybe I am running a tmerature as well..don't knoww.

I just sneezed and iI the motion makes thh pain shot through
my body and me almost to throw upfrom it...fuckk
crying hurts..I
Ths is no life ,,I cant
it hurtsso

Weird...

I've been sleeping a lot today...
And dreaming odd and scarey dreams ...
about drowning and sufocating...

Weird,weird,weird...

I spoke to Sander on the phone just now
While he locked himself in the batroom and jacked off...
and I came without even tuching myself..
and it hurt...
I hate when that hurts!

At least he is getting better
at least the attacks has gone...
at least he will be ok..

Will I ever?
What did the dreams mean?

Confused..
Sad.

Lost,hurt,tired and lonely...

I have one of these days were I wish I was never born.
I guess Dan is right..
I tend to get depressed when the pain is to much and
Sander is not around..
but I don't know.
Lately it has been almost to much for me ...
I feel so tired of life itselves.
I just want to hide and sleep...
but then I can't because of the damned pain..

Ok so I do complain a lot...but right now I feel entitled too do so.
There are so many things missing from life ...
So many places I should have been.
So many .....I almost said dreams...
but that is not true...I don't dream anymore...
and I don't plan ahead.
I just exist...

And with Sander gone and me trapped here...
the fourth wall in my room is missing.

I am just lost, hurt, tired and lonely..
and I doubth something beautiful will ever come my way...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1oOaKpOrPs&feature=related

Home...

Hey!

Sorry..I suddenly found myself back in hospital...
I guess it was my own doing partly...
first I skipped the monday draining
and on Sanders birthday I woke up in pain...
but chosed to load up on painkillers
and pretend to be alright.

The result is I don't remeber a damned shit from
the birthdayparty and I managed to colapse and pass out
in the parkinglot when we was going home...due to
severe pain and a overload of painkillers..
mmm...I agree...stupid me..

Well they admitted me and they sedated and drained me while sedated...
That obviously did the trick...but on a "Hurting-scale" from 0-10
it definitely was a 15 !!! Ouch!!

So now I am home again...
Still hurting and moving about like a chimp with artrites with a
big banana up his ass...

Sigh...

Still I am glad to be home...

Love u...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8A2FaHhc3c