Update saturday ...

Ravn is still there.He is feeling a bit better just like he did last weekend.
The doctors have not decided yet if they are going to drain or not on monday.
They might put him to sleep before the draining. I do not think that is a good ide.
They tend to be even more "brutal" to him the times he has had that done in the past.
And he realy does not need to hurt even more!

Ivers new painmedication is not good enough either. He keeps waking up in the middle of the night in pain. I worry. I think the pain should have gone or at least became less severe by now.
I don't like to se him suffer like this. He is just a kid. And he is not used to this kind of pain like Ravn and me. He will be back in hospital on monday for his checkup.
I will go with him and I will demand that they do something before the pain wears him out.

Have a good weekend.

Sander.

Update thursday morning..

Ravn is still in hospital.
I was there yesterday, and he still sleeps a lot.
The pain is still severe,
and it is realy nothing anybody can do except to ease it.

He asked me to wish you all a happy thanksgiving.
I will go to him again today.Gran will drive Iver and me.
Iver is going in for a check, he is still in pain.
And I think they might have to change his medication.
But at least his fever is down to almost normal temp.

Thank you for caring.

Sander.

Update tuesday...

Ravn is back in hospital. They had to increase his morphine dose yesterday and Espen decided he was better of in hospital where he can get it intravenous.
He is sleeping most of the time now, and that is good for him. He was totally worn out from all the pain last week and the caring for Iver and me.

I will go there later today.

Sander.

Hey.

Ravn is in no conditiont to write.
He had a very bad day even for a draining day.
He just wants me to say "Hi" to u all. :)

Sander.

Sunday night...

I am feelimg a bit better today...and thats typical...
For tomorrow is monday and hell brakes loose again.
Sander says he is ok too....but Iver still hurts and says he is swollen...

Poor kid woke up in a fright this morning...at first he refused to say what was wrong...
but little by little we got the picture.
He had woken from a wet dream only to find he had shott a load of bloodstained sperm in his boxers...we both assured him thats pretty normal when u have eppidydimittes..

He seems very much ashamed of that part of his body...I suspect he was thought at home not play with his dick....and I find it hard to ask him ...But he realy need to jack of at least every day now....to beat the inflamation...only...how do we put that to him? He may have been thought that jacking of is a sin and realy bad for you...Any sugestions?

Sander and me try to act natural with him...we don't make out in front of him or anything...but we tuch and kiss as usuall...He seems ok with it...but we don't know yet if he is gay or not

We haven't herad a word from his folks...all though they should have come home by now...but it might be "Childcare" who has to take the blame.

Oh...and Granny came today :)
So good to have her back...I think she and Iver took an instant liking to each other...and thats good...Iver says that he doesn't have any grandparents...and then granny said "well you can have me" :)

Tomorrow morning all three of us are going to hospital...Sander and Iver for check-ups and me for draining...(here i go again)

A bed for three...

I am beeing as quite as I can this morning...so I wont wake the two others sleeping in my bed.
Yes, you heard right!

Iver came late last night...after childcare had removed him from home...
Luckily mom and Stephan both work with kids...and got a fostercare aprovement.
They acted on neglect of a minor...on behalf of both mom and Ivers brother...Gard
So...everybody wonder how his parents will react when they come home from Cobenhagen..

Poor Iver was in a state last night...he still hurts and it is still so painfull for him to walk.
He hadn't eaten anything for the whole day...and with the sight of mom and Sander
the damm broke open...and he cried like a baby.

We took him downstairs to our room...wanting to keep him safe the first night. Mom made a bed on our sofa for him. And after some cocoa, sandwiches and a dubble pain killer he fell asleep ...almost like an exhusted puppy..

So Sander and me went to bed as well...Decent, for the first time in history...lol
Wearing boxers...

I had not jacked of since monday ( I know...think it must be a personal best)
So I was realy hot for him...but we could not do anything with Iver there..
We just lay in each others arms in the dark...kissing each other quietly.
It felt wonderfull...the room was pitch black...so the only sensation was the feel of each other..
the warmt from his body...the softness from his lips. God! it feelt so good!
And it is a little embaressing...but he actually made me cum...just by kissing me!
lol I must have been realy desperate!
And Iver snored lightly on the sofa..
So I could not resist finding my way down Sanders body...
kissing and licking...until he filled my mouth with
his "green banana" lovejuice...
It is true!! His sperm realy tastes like that!!!
Gourmet sperm! LOL

Iver hopefully slept through it all...

But I woke upp in the middle of the night from him crying...
He was hurting again and I gave him more painkillers then I took him into our bed to hold him and calm him..
And when the pk's kicked in he fell asleep on my arm... poor darling

As the daylight begins to brake I can se their faces...Both looking like babys in their sleep..Blond heads with tangled hair...long lashes...they are both beautiful
Iver could have been Sanders baby brother...they look so much the same..

It's a pretty image...but I hurt now..and I can't write anymore .
I'll just lay down nex to them again and try not to wake them before Espen comes..

Sander is home...

Mmm.. he realy is...and we have just slept for three hours in each others arms...
So wondefull to have him back...

Iver is not here though...his parents got very offended by mom and Stephs sugestion and threathened to sue them if they continued...so thats how things are right now.

He is home from hospital too...and all alone.
Parents wouldn't cansel their weekend trip to Kobenhagen.. His brother is checking up on him....but the childcarepeople doesnt know that...Mom are putting in a child-neglect acusation against them saying that he is all alone, a minor, and sick...and if they act on that...they will take custody of him. His brother will acuse them too...and suport mom.

So we'll just wait and see...In the mean time I cuddle upp to my love..guess shared pain is better than hurting alone...

Still here..

I am still here..

Drugged and totally worn out...but I am still home.
It's 5.30 am ...and I cant sleep for the damned pain...
Espen will be by in about an hour and a half,

I'll try and survive tillthen..

I still hurt...

I still hurt...

I wont be able to go vissit Sander today...I have tried to...but I didnt even make it out of the house before I fainted. So here I am in bed again...trying to keep going on painkillers.
I don't want to bother Espen today...but I guess I need more morph. the painkillers doesn't do much for me.

As for Iver. Mom and and Stephan has spoken to both him and his brother. And they agree with Sander and me that he is better of with us...his brother who by the way is named Gard said that he didnt think his parents would object to Iver staying with us ...
So mom and Steph will sett up a meeting with them and then we'll se...
As for Iver himself he almost started crying when Sander made the sugestion that he should come live with us...and he then told him that he had been harassed in school and hated it there..
Thats bad...but even good. It will be a good argument towards his parents for moving him.

Right now I fear that I has to go in again myself...I don't think theres an inflamation on the way..couse I dont have a fever.. maybe they just messed upp something when they drained me..
It hurt so I can't even sit at this point...and I realize I have to tell someone....*sigh*

So if I disapear from blogging and msn you know why...

My love to you all...

Just wanna sleep...

I realy feel like shit...

The pain from the draining usually has gone away by tuesday night....but this tuesday it hasn't.
I am in pain still and it seems like it's increasing instead of disapearing.

And I'm just so bloody tired of it all...wish I could sleep it away...
I sound depp...I know...and I am. I've come to the point were I feel empty...like i don't have anything to give to anybody anymore...
All theres left is the throbing, annoying pain between my legs...

Just wanna sleep...sleeeeep...sleeeeeeeeeeep

But i can't..

Fuck.

Forgive me for beeing an asshole...

I have been an absolut asshole all evening...

I have been in so much pain today...and I miss Sander...and I have NOT been nice ...
neither to my folks or my friends on msn...

Theres no excuse for bad behavior...please forgive me...

Love u all...

Iver...

I am back home...and I had one of the worst car-rides in my life..

I stayed with Sander and Iver for awhile after draining and I forgot the time...
that resulted in my morph wearing out in the cab.
Driver had to stop three times so I could puke...hell. The last time he stopped...I fainted and he had to drag me back in the to the car. Then the poor man had to sort of carry me inside when we got home.
I think he regretted his career choice... lol

I am ok now...Espen was here 30 min ago and gave me another shot...

It was not the bitchy doc that did the draining this morning...thank God!
And thank's to me not jacking of in the showers...I managed to produce a sperm sample in record time...lol.
I have a vivid imagination!! hehe

I learned more about Iver today from Sander. Iver was at the doc's when I got there so we had time to talk private...Sander told me that Ivers mom came last night...and that she looked like a faded moviestar and semed annoyed by Iver beeing sick...no compasion or care from her.
Iver semed embaresed by her...and was clearly relived when she left after a ten minute visit.

His parents live in the rich part of town as we thought...his father owns a big chain of hardwearstores...his mom an antiques shop...None of them has time for Iver who is raised mostly by au-pair girls...
Sander did even asked Iver last night why he got kicked in the nuts...and it apears he had been in a fight...two boys had jumped him in school...but he refused to tell Sander why..

Tonight I am going to talk to my mom and stephdad...we have a spare room even with granny here...would it be ok if Iver could stay with us? He defenitly are negleckted at home...
I want him away from there...he told Sander he has an older brother...he left home at 16 and is now 23...and he hasn't been home since...he keep in tuch with Iver by phone though...
He seem to cling to Sander and me...it's like no one has ever been nice to him..
And I want him somewhere safe and sound...with people who cares...

I'll have to wait and see what they say...but from what Sander has told me...Ivers folk's probebly
will be glad to get rid of him! I can't think of much else right now...

Monday morning..

In a minute I shall go to hospital to get my weekly draining done...blææææææ...

Then I will go and se Sander for a while when the morph is still keeping me on my feet.
I was there with Trine last night..No change in Sanders condition. And little Iver's parents had not showed up..fuck them! I have the urge to call them and say what I mean...
Iver doesn't seem to miss them though...he has lost the scared looks and seems happy with Sander there. I haven't had the chance to ask Sander how it goes....for we were never alone last night..Maybe I'll get the chance today...

Well...I'll hit the shower...avoiding my usuall morning jack of...couse I have to give a spermsample in hospital. And the setting is not very sexy...so I need all the help I can get to fix that without Sander helping...

Have a good day all of u out there...

Another visit...

I have spent most of the day in hospital.

They will keep Sander for a couple of days couse he is kind of swollen again...and he is in pain.And they don't like that the atacks are so frequent. They was suposed to be gone....

Little cutie-pie Iver was still there today...looking pale and feverish still but not quite as scared as yesterday.
Sander has that effect on ohter people...he knows how to calm and comfort. I guess thats why they placed him with Iver..
I asked Iver if his parents been to se him..but he said no..and that maybe they'll come when they come home tomorrow, but he didn't think so.. ..
Hmm...I found that disturbing. What kind of people ignores that their 15 year old is in hospital whit an eppididymittes??

They were both glad to see me...I went down to the hospitalstore and got sodas and some fruit for the two..Sander looked a little less tired....but I could tell he still hurt from the line around his mouth...I know him so well..

When Iver was taken by the nurse into the surgery to take some bloodsamples and se the doc...Sander told me that Iver had been crying and puking during the night...and that Sander has gotten out of bed to calm him...He said that Iver had asked if we were gay...and that Sander had said we were..
And the sweet thing had said that it was fine by him...he didn't mind...
As we spoke I crept in to Sanders bed and lay down beside him...smelled his familiar sweet smell...and held him in my arms ....my body acing for him, but I didn't want to do anything
in case Iver came back...just kissed him..

So that resulted in me having a major hard-on...that realy made my nuts hurt...and when Iver did come back I escaped to the bathroom were I jacked of in a hand towel...

I know...I am hopeless...

Iver was even paler than before and told us that the dock had been kind of rough on him...
I could guess who...couse there is a woman who is a real bitch working the uro sometimes..
And both me and Sander dread her!! She is just a heartless witch!
And I got realy pissed at her for being evil to Iver...Thats so cruel to a young kid.. no need to make him hurt more that he already is..
I wanted to tell her that...but she was not there when I went looking for her later on before I went home...

Ok....so that was maybe just as well...In case she is the one that will drain me om mondaymorning!!

Friday in hospital...

First of all i want to thank you all for careing...

I have been to hospital today to be with Sander...he is tired as always after an attack...
So we didn't talk much...I sat an held his hand most of the time while he slept.
I haven't been feeling so hot myself today....but I did ok on painkillers.

While I was there this young kid came in...he was 15-16.... I think...and very,very scared..
All alone and hurting realy bad...whit eyes shining of fever..

He was instaled in the other bed next to Sander...and told by the nurse to relax.
When she left he looked at me with big blue frightned eyes..
I smiled at him...-"Don't worry...she's not gonna eat you. I am Ravn...and sleepyhead here is Sander." I could se he had noticed us holding hands.
-"I'm Iver...he had a suprisingly dark voice for his age and his cute face..
-"It was nice to meet you, Iver...even in this place...whats wrong with you?"

He didn't look at me...but stared at his hands....
-"I got an infection or something to my nuts...It hurts so badly...."
A couple of tears left his eyes and rolled down his cheek...he quickly dried them away
-"It's ok to cry..." I asured him
-"I know how much it hurts.....And then... as I had just fired a starting-gun...tears started streaming down his face...
-"Hey...oh poor baby.."...I let go of Sanders hand and went to sit on his bed...

-"Are you all alone in here?" I asked...he nodded...tears streaming...
-"I was alone for the weekend...but I hurt so badly that I had to call our doc...and he sent me here...I was kikced in the nuts three days ago...and it wouldnt go away...then today I got this fever too and I puked ...and I feel like shit...and...and

He cried now...and I dint quite know what to do...so I just sat there and stroke his hair.
I asked if I should call for the nurse...but he did not want her ...and when I told him that both me and Sander has had the same thing ...he stopped crying.
I told him briefly of us...but leaving out the roughest parts so I wouldnt scare him...He told me that he was 15...and that hospitals scared him shitles..

After a while the nurse came back and gave him a shot of painkillers...
I sat beside him until it kicked in...and he closed his eyes..

When I thought he was asleep...I stood up and went back to Sanders bed...
-"Ravn? Ivers voice was mearly a whisper...-"Do you think they will operate on my nuts"?
I shook my head...-"No...in that case you would have been on the operating table right now...go to sleep and try not to worrie" I sat down in the chair beside Sanders bed...he was still fast asleep.

-"Ravn ?....Iver didn't open his eyes...-"Could u stroke my hair some more?"
So I did until he sleept...

Feeling so sorry for him...

Again...

It happened again...

He took three steps sideways and kind of colapsed on the kitchen floor...
I knelt behind him as usuall...Milla was thank God asleep on moms bed.
He looked like he was unconcious...
That gave me time to call the ambulanse and Trines mom...I pulled him up a bit so he could rest agains my thighs...to ensure that he could breath freely. He was shaking....but he didn't wake up.
Trines mom came...he woke up..puked, tears streaming ...
I tried to calm..to comfort...no could do...when the ambulance arived we were both crying.
I went in with him...sat in the back and held his hand...feelt it tremble..and I couldn'tstop my tears..

The ambulance drivers knows us...the one back there with Sander and me is sweet...trying everything in his power to smooth the ride...

They took him straight to the intensive care unit...his hand in mine...I refused to let him go..
I hold him through the ultrasound and the injection...I watched as they catheterized him.
After he passed out from the shot...
Slowly his body stoped shivering...and only the white part was visible in his eyes..and his hand feelt limp in mine...

The head nurse stroked my hair...-"Are you ok Ravn"?
I dried my tears in a desperate move to pull myself together and wispered...-"Yes"...
As they moved Sander over to a bed and into a room...she took my sweater to clean of Sanders puke..sat me down in the nurses station and gave me a cup of tea..

I took a cab home...through a wintercold crowded Oslo...
Feelt so damned lonely ...feelt lost..

I don't see why it's necesary that he is in so much pain...
God can give it to me instead...


When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.

Bob Dylan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WVyanm14EI

I am realy sorry..

I got to think about mankind today...
Or rather ....what kind of people men are?

While watching the 7'oclock news..I witnessed 16 year old boys trained by Al Quida to be suicidebombers...and they willingly go....they willingly blow them selves to peases for Allah..
But that is no news!!
I mean through out history men has gone to a certain death with theire eyes wide open...marching towords death from the enemy guns in the sivilwar...
getting sloughtered in the trenches in WW l...
Like a pack of wild deer..they are midlessly running them self of a cliff !

Is that who we are? Who i am? Can I identify with those guys?

Men will be like that always...
I am not so sure...it might be the testosteron making us mindless savages...and that might have been needfull back in the old days...but do we need that behaveior now?

I realy cant se no reason at all to go and get killed ...neither to kill others. I can up to a point understand that wars were neccesary way back when the comunication between people were diffcult...but nowadays?
I mean, come on!! We should have diplomacy to take care of all that stuff now! And I bet we would have if there were women who ruled the world. I don't see them having the same selfdestructive gene that men has...
Oh,they will kill alright! If they realy,realy have to...
If something thretens their loved ones...they will fight braver than any man...

But this mindlessly walking towards death....Knowing the outcome...
I don't think they would...they'd stop ...and rethink..then they would found it is not worth it...and turn back. Face life instead of death.

I think thats how women are...

I am sometimes ashamed of beeing a man...when the news are full of rapists, pedofiles and wifebeaters.When the soldiers in Kongo rape and kill babies...
I refuse to belive that i would be capable of such horrors...but even so...I feel guilt and shame..
I know it's nothing I can do...I can't change mankind...

I just somewhat want to say that I am sorry..


I'd like say that on behalf of my sex...

"I am truly sorry for all of our mindless acts...hurting and scareing others...for beliving time after time that war ends all problems...for all the times inocent children,women and even young boys has been sexually abused,beaten and killed. For all our withdrawl from the things that realy matter in life...love and friendship...
I am realy so sorry"
..................................................................................

These mist covered mountains

Are a home now for me

But my home is the lowlands

And always will be

Some day you’ll return to your valleys and your farms

And you’ll no longer burn to be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction

Baptisms of fire

I’ve watched all your suffering

As the battles raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad in the fear and alarm

You did not desert me my brothers in arms

There’s so many different worlds

So many differents suns

And we have just one world

But we live in different ones

Now the sun’s gone to hell

And the moon’s riding high

Let me bid you farewell

Every man has to die

But it’s written in the starlight and every line on your palm

We’re fools to make war.....on our brothers in arms.

Dire Straits.

There...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGpwKQo5_Z0&feature=related

Hellnight...

I have realy had a hellnight!
Our regular doc, Espen..got sick yesterday...so he could not come and give me morph shots as usual. Sander had to call the "all night emergensy"..and they realy was not very understanding to my situasjon. They obviously don't come home to their paisients unless they are dead...they demanded that Sander should get me in a cab and come down to the emergensyroom...by that time I haden't had any morph for almost 10 ours ...I had puked like a 100 times...and I was not able to stand up and almost unconcious from pain...hell..

Sander had to wake Stephan...and he called the emergensyroom again in a VERY angry way...and they finaly sendt a doc around at 3 am...by then I had been out of morph for 13 hours and I remember standing on my hands and feet in the bed with my head buried in my big pillow crying like a baby...with Sander trying to comfort me the best he could...
I think the doc that finaly came understood the seriousness of my pain ...couse he didnt argue...just gave me the shot..and he made another doc come back this morning to give me another injection..

It scares the shit out of me to think that this may be our situasjon if we move...that we will have to deal with people who don't know us and don't give a fuck! And they say the districkt doc out there is a woman...will a woman understand that kind of pain? Can she relate?
I realy don't know...It's fucking scary!

Monday report...

A monday report from a doped up Ravn...

So many things has happened during the weekend...
Yesterday morning grannys sister died...she is the one granny has been living with since granpa died ...even if she has been with us most of the time. It was lucky she was in Trondheim when it happened...cause she was closer to her there and got to say goodbye to her. So she is staying upp there for the next week too and mom is flying upp there tomorrow to help out..

Then yesterday me and Sander companied mom and Stephan to look at the house they want to buy from Stephans grate aunt...
Well...it was in the middle of "piggsknuckle" nowhere...and almost 40 min drive from us...that means 1h. 10 min to hospital...and I consider that too far for Sander when he has his attacks.
But alas...he was beond reason as soon as he saw the greate, big house, the barn and stables...he got all brighteyed and bushytailed...and kept on and on about the horses he wants to have..and I just could not brake his spirit by telling him that he probebly wont be able to sit on a horse...

Grate Aunt Anna was a wonderfull little old lady...with white hair and a walkingstick...and a fridge full of coca cola...lol. I think Sander and me hit it of at once with her...she was so cool!
She is to move in an apartmentbuliding just across the fileds...so she will still be our neighbour sort of.
The house was verry big with a huge oldfashioned kitchen with a big fireplace and a gigantic table that i think could seat 20 people! There were three livngrooms downstairs...a loo and bedroom...upstairs were a big room tha we call "sal" and I think 6 bedrooms...and on top a big old spooky attic...Thats were we're suposed to live...

I realy dont know how I feel about it...we have to get a new doc...will we be able to find one who will serve us like Espen did? I think not...and it is far away from friends and from Milla...
I just don't know...
I wish it was somehow posible for me and Sander to remain in this house...but I know we can't...
we don't have the money to buy it...and mom and Stephan are going to have to sell couse they will need the money to redo the old farmhouse....

Today was as usual not pleasent visit to the hospital...but I'll manage as usuall..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpNznyIZCwQ&feature=related

Lazy day..

Yesterday was so much fun! Good food...good company...and everybody happy!
Our dinnerparty was a sucsess!
And to topp it of...Milla tok her first steps...right into Sanders arms :)
It was sooooo cute!

Today we stayed in bed until almost two pm...making slow and lazy love. A wonderful way to begin the day...I'll spare you the details this time...hehe.

HB finaly mailed...I am so glad that both of them are ok...I was so woried..I had'nt spoken to him since monday!! And had imagined all sorts of terible things happening to them in my mind...

Tomorrow we will go with mom and Stephan to look at the farmhouse they want to buy...I have still very mixed feelings about it...So we'll just have to wait and see...

I kiss you all goodnight...

Love..

Friday dinnerparty...

We are hosting a dinnerparty tonight!!

Yes...you heard right...we are!

We thought we would like to give some back...It's usually us who gets everybodys attention.

So tonight we will have a dinnerparty for mom, Stephan,Rein,Trine,Simon, Milla,JanE,and Trines mom(granny is still with dad)

This morning we've been cleaning, shopping and doing laundry. Sander is going to cook..

I'll be the kitchenmaid...lol

The Meny.

Smoked salmon and creemecheese "Lefse"(thin norwegain potatoe tortilla) rolls

served on a rucolla bed.

"Elgkarbonader" ( a sort of norwegian meatballs meade from Moose)

with mushroom/sourcreamstew,vegetables,potatoes and creemsauce

Varm chokolatefondant with blacberrycoulis and vanillaicecream.

I hope everybody will enjoy it!

Have a perfect weekend !

Keep the rubber side down...

This morning we woke up to a major turningpoint for the world...

A black man is going to be the next president of the untited states!

Now, who would have imagined that only a few years back?

I admit..I am a softy. And I teared up over the speach he delivered to the American people.

He is not only an amazing speaker...but he even manages in an sencere way to include even the loosing part..This man has a carisma we have to go way back in history to equal..back to Martin Luther King..

All of his campaign as far as I know has been sentred about changes..

And I think America is ready for just that...

The senter of the world laying with a broken back...so to speak..

But I do belive that Obama may be the man to turn that...he has given hope not only to a nation...but to the whole world! Not so much by his poletics...but by the fackt that he is black.

I see US as a multietnic nasjon...the biggest in the world..and he is not only the afro/americans president...he is the president of the latinos...the asians...even the norwegian emigrants !!

All the diffrent people that caries the working load of the nation..

Oh he is educated...and he is certainly rich...but he married a girl from the South side chicago...the poor part of town. And she might have an even more symbolic value than him..

the first black wife in the white house..clever...educated...the prove that it might be true...U can get as far you want in America...

I realy hope they know what powers they posess now...what an opertunety they have to make a diffrece in the lives of the ordenary people...

They will be worshiped and loved..

But they will feel the hate too...and that makes me afraid...

afraid that it is going to end like it did for Martin Luther King...

Very afraid..

But..... I prefer to belive that this is a victory to mankind!! For brotherhood...for togethernes...for every thing good inside our hearts...

Let's belive in the changes yet to come...It's gonna be a fight...cause changes are never easy to make...but it's gonna be worth it!! We need so much to belive in the future right now..

So good luck...Mr. President!

And as the "angels" would say..."Keep the rubber side down" !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ixbah9u234

Yesterday...

Yesterday was not a very pleasent one...
Sander and I both had hospitalapointments in the morning...me for the usuall draining...him to check on the swelling (wich was no better) so the doc decided to drain it(stick a syringe into the nutsack) That REALY is not pleasent!! Even Sander had to admit it!!

So instead of him taking care of me...it was we taking care of each other...
Taking turns hurting and puking...cause nobody else was home...and we somehow managed whitout calling Trines mom..
Granny is on a much deserved vissit to Trondhjem to se my dad and his family...after all she is his mom...not my moms mother if u thought that!

So....when mom came from work yesterday and found us in a rather sorry state...she called Rein again..I guess we will be having "agels" babysitting once again...

And sweet HB ...checking in on us by logging in on msn from work! That's so tuching somehow that he cares for us from the other side of the world... He even came back on after work to se how we was...Man u r the best!

Sander just woke up...I shall try to go upstairs and make us some soup..pray I wont burn it!
Have a nice day all of u out in the big world....

Alle helgens dag...

This sunday was "alle helgens dag" in Norway.
It means it is the day of the year when we remeber our dead...we go to the graveyard bringing flowers and candles..
Stephan had to work ...and me and Sander didn't want mom to go alone to my babybrothers grave...so we went there with her. Neither of us feeling good, but hey!
It's only a short drive there...

Sander usually wont go there...so I was a bit surprised that he wanted to...but I guess he did it to be nice to my mom and all. We brought a candel for the little lamp by the gravestone and a decorated heart made from moss that mom had made for him....
It was late afternoon and dusk...the graveyard bright with small flickering flames all over the place...shining on the white snow. So beautiful and peaceful.. .

Mom lit the candle .... and we stood there in silence watching the flame burn...I looked sideways at Sander..notecing he had tears in his eyes. So i took his hand in mine and held it.He said nothing...just lowered his head and bit his lip...It looked for a moment as he was about to cry...but then mom who didn't notice brake the silence by saying..-"Sander? Where are your mom and dad burried?"
I could feel his body sort of jerk..before he let go of my hand.
-"I don't know"...He grunted..
Then he turned around and begun walking back to towards the car..
Mom was about to follow him but I held her arm and explained what I had just seen..
-Oh no! She was sad...-"I ruined it all...stupid me"

We waited a little while before we followed him back to the car...he was not there..
My heart almost stopped! Fuck, where was he? It was nearly dark now and cold as hell to...and he realy should be back inside soon...then i saw a shadow beside a big oaktree a bit away from the car...I told mom to stay and walked over there...It was him..leaning his forehead against the tree crying...I didnt know what to do ...or what to say so I just went to him and wrapped my arms around him...holding his body against mine..his wet cheek against my neck.
He shivered a little and cried without a sound against my neck making me all wet from his tears.
I felt so helpless...and I had to bite my lips to stop my own tears...

I don't know for how long we stood there...I tried to say something but he lay a finger against my lips and said -"Please don't"...and I knew this was not the time or place to ask any questions.
So I just held him until his tears run dry....and then walked him to the card ...my arm wrapped around his shoulders...all the way home he sat whit his head against my shoulder....
And when we got home he went straight to bed...

So here I am...sad and comfused...what shall I do?
I wish he would talk to me...tell me what made him cry suddenly!
I hate to se him suffer...I want to help so much ...
if I can....

I realy don't know what to do now.....

Night..

Sander is asleep...I am wide awake...

My prostate hurts again..making me pee every half hour...I am a bit grumphy
I thought the amount of sex this past week would have made some good..
but no...
And in another day it will be monday again..blæææææææ

I don't wanna do it this week...
Realy i don't...

I hate my life.