Alle helgens dag...

This sunday was "alle helgens dag" in Norway.
It means it is the day of the year when we remeber our dead...we go to the graveyard bringing flowers and candles..
Stephan had to work ...and me and Sander didn't want mom to go alone to my babybrothers grave...so we went there with her. Neither of us feeling good, but hey!
It's only a short drive there...

Sander usually wont go there...so I was a bit surprised that he wanted to...but I guess he did it to be nice to my mom and all. We brought a candel for the little lamp by the gravestone and a decorated heart made from moss that mom had made for him....
It was late afternoon and dusk...the graveyard bright with small flickering flames all over the place...shining on the white snow. So beautiful and peaceful.. .

Mom lit the candle .... and we stood there in silence watching the flame burn...I looked sideways at Sander..notecing he had tears in his eyes. So i took his hand in mine and held it.He said nothing...just lowered his head and bit his lip...It looked for a moment as he was about to cry...but then mom who didn't notice brake the silence by saying..-"Sander? Where are your mom and dad burried?"
I could feel his body sort of jerk..before he let go of my hand.
-"I don't know"...He grunted..
Then he turned around and begun walking back to towards the car..
Mom was about to follow him but I held her arm and explained what I had just seen..
-Oh no! She was sad...-"I ruined it all...stupid me"

We waited a little while before we followed him back to the car...he was not there..
My heart almost stopped! Fuck, where was he? It was nearly dark now and cold as hell to...and he realy should be back inside soon...then i saw a shadow beside a big oaktree a bit away from the car...I told mom to stay and walked over there...It was him..leaning his forehead against the tree crying...I didnt know what to do ...or what to say so I just went to him and wrapped my arms around him...holding his body against mine..his wet cheek against my neck.
He shivered a little and cried without a sound against my neck making me all wet from his tears.
I felt so helpless...and I had to bite my lips to stop my own tears...

I don't know for how long we stood there...I tried to say something but he lay a finger against my lips and said -"Please don't"...and I knew this was not the time or place to ask any questions.
So I just held him until his tears run dry....and then walked him to the card ...my arm wrapped around his shoulders...all the way home he sat whit his head against my shoulder....
And when we got home he went straight to bed...

So here I am...sad and comfused...what shall I do?
I wish he would talk to me...tell me what made him cry suddenly!
I hate to se him suffer...I want to help so much ...
if I can....

I realy don't know what to do now.....