Newyearsnight...

I lay still with a sleeping Sander in my arms
listening to the fireworks go of...
The muffled sounds and flickering light
from outside doesn't wake him.

We had time to talk...
And he plans to go through with it..
He says that even the slightest chance of getting
rid of the attacks is worth the risk...
I understand and agree.
If it was me who had a small chance of getting better
I would have taken that chance too...

But I cant help beeing scared.
Can I bear to "lose" him again?
I was stronger the last time than I am now..
I had all my strenght to offer to help pull him through
nowadays I am just very, very tired of it all....
The more or less constant pain is wearing me out.
Still I will do my best to carry him through this..
I will try and hold my focus on the outcome...
on him getting better...

So in this frozen newyearsnight I lay here
in the afterglow of the fireworks.
Trying not to cry as I gently kiss his sleeping face
I think I love him more than my own life!
The emotions running through my body at this moment
are so strong they almost scare me...
I burry my face in his blond hair...trying to stop time
To hold on to this moment.

Dear God...take care of him
Make him better for real this time...

And make me strong..


"You're the reason i still breath.
You're the light that lets me see..
When you fall in I will carry you back home.
You're the reason I still fight
I will tuck you in at night.
If you fall I will carry you back home..
You're not alone."

Stuedabakerbrown.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu9lV9NdADo

Happy Newyear!!

Sander is home...

We are spending newyears eve all by our self...

I think that will be wonderful.

Happy new year to all you wonderful peolple out there...

You my make my life a lot better you know.

I love you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lbF9qAd8JY

Wonderfull xmasdays...

We have had some wonderfull xmas days!
*Been celebrating with friends and family
*Been partying at J and H..
*Been giving each other a lot of "atention" (hehe)
*Been stuffing our selves with xmas foods...
*Been trying to adjust to the idea of owning this house...
We are still kind of "WOW" ...

This morning I hurt again ...and Sander had another attack and woke me in
the middle of the night...
So one can say everything is pretty much back to normal..
I hope he will be home tomorrow for New Year celebration..
And Monday 5th he will be back in hospital...
We have both been avoiding the issue during the hollydays.
But I guess we will have to talk it through...

Our little corner of the world has been at it's most xmasy this year
We oddly enough has only a little snow, but the cold has been very intensive
and everythin is covered in a white layer of frozt. It looks so beautilful

I hope all of you had a wonderfull time too

Love....

On the first day of christmas my granny gave to me...

I realy don't know were to begin...we had the most wonderfull christmas that anyone can imagin!!

For the first time Sander and I went to church with mom and granny...
I think even Sander found it beautiful...
especially afterwards when we came out into the cold, dark, graveyard
and hundreds of lights sparkled in the cold..
We had been to my babybrothers grave before we went inside
with a mossheart and a candle for his little lantern.
And in the frozen, dark....man, the lights were breathtaking!!
And I couldnt keep my tears from rolling.
Sander kissed them away...
but I could see his eyes were shiny too...

Then we went home to Stephan,Rein, Iver and his brother Gard
for xmas dinner...
After that sander and me took a little nap...
before we went uppstairs to join everybody in the livingroom for presents...

I got so many great things!!
Books and movies...a giftcard for bying clothes on the christmas sales...very handy:)
A new easypacked bag ...I realy needed that, my old one has made about 234 000 000 trips to hospital with me...and it shows!
Sander had gotten me an I-POD Yey!!!
...all I had was this cheap, shitty mp3...
He got me a silver bracelet and a cd book

I was a little puzzled when I noticied I had gotten no gift from granny...but I soon forgot..
And then she gave me an envelope...
I sort of ripped it open thinking it was money...but a letter fell out...
and it said something like this(in short):

Dear Ravn and Sander.

I give you this house...
This is my gift to you... instead of you inhereting me when I am dead...
you get it now..
I have devided what i got from selling my house In Hamar
+the house I inhereted from my sister + the money your grandpa left me
between you, Sander, Rein and Siri...

With the money becoming yours I bought this house from your mom...so that u two can have a safe and nice place to live and not having to move far away from the hospital.
Besides I do hope I can keep my room!!!

I mean...WOW....WOWWWWW!!!

We got speachless....
Sander was all pale and I just started to cry...
He strated to try and comfort me,
but then his tears starting to come to and it made him run downstairs..

I got up to follow him...but Granny sat me down again...
-I'll go, she said...and went after him..
I looked at my brother...he was compleatly taken aback!!
Looking like he had seen a ghost or something.
And mom, Stephan and Iver laughing and obveously beeing in on this!

I mean WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW...

I didn't know anything like this could happen for real !!!
And certainly not to me!!

I went downstairs a little later...
finding Sander laying on our bed with his head in
grannys lap...his eyes closed...
but there was sign of tears...and her stroking his hair softly.

I sat down beside her and kissed her cheek...
-I realy don't know what to say...I told her..
-You...you didn't have too U know...
She smiled...
-Oh, ravn...I know that...but I want to give it to you when i am still around..
and I could think of no better use for the money than buying u the house.

Sander opened his eyes and looked at us...
-But why me too? He asked with a shiver in his voice..
Granny smiled at him...
-Because my love...I see u as just as much my grandchild
as I do the other three..I love you just as much..

Sanders eyes flooded again...and he wispered....
-Thank you so very,very much...
and she leaned down and kissed his forhead..

......................................................................

We haven't realy gotten used to the idea of owning this house yet!
I am just so thrilled that we doesn't have to travel all the way from aunty Annas house to the hospital!! And I sence a big relive in Sander too...
I think he only pretended that he wanted to move just to make me feel better about it!!
But he was probebly scared shitles of the idea of getting an attack out there in nowhere-land...
No we can relax....oboy!!!

I mean WOW....
WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ravns christmas calendar christmaseve...

I am awake early as usual...and the house is all quiet..

I am feeling better today...

Today i give u Viktor Rydbergs marvelous poem "Tomten"

or Nissen as we call him in Norway...I wish u could have read it

in sweedsih...with the rhymes and all ...

but i found a translation along with Harald Wibergs

magical drawings of scandinavian xmas a century ago...

So with this I end my christmas calender 2008

God Jul to you all...I love you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnKtAbNqElU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=832EH7HE1bw&feature=related

Ravns christmascalendar..Little christmaseve...

It's still dark outside...
I have just gotten my morningshot of morph.

It's wonderful to feel the pain slinking away...
Sander has just fallen asleep again...after holding
and comforting me for an hour ..
This time too the pain has been severe...
I realy hope it is gonna disapear tonight.

Today is little-christmaseve...my favorite day of the year
But I am sad that I wont be partisipating in
the buissy life around the house..
I haven't even giftwrapped my presants!
Iver has helped me! I have just written on the cards.
Thanks to Iver and Granny i got my xmas-shopping done..

For Iver a book ...for Sander a set with sweatpants and a hooded sweater
it's xmas red...and he looks soo cute in red!
And a dvdbox I know he is going to love...
pluss a silver thumbring with vikingpattern..

A teddybear for Milla...and all the others get the goat thing!
I guess all our friends will come around today for a drink of Gløgg
and exchange of gifts...Rein will come too..
I hope I can manage to be out of bed in the periodes my morph is working
I am tired of beeing in bed...and I need to try to eat something(Yes Dan, I will try)

But for now...
I just want to sleep with Sander in my arms

Love..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrAwK9juhhY

Ravns christmas calendar 22. december...

A rather drugged blogg...
A Norwegian xmas song for u...

"the angels are singing
fo peace on earth
the earth was not alone in the dark
couse a star is shining in the night..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0eEtLceMAU&feature=related

Notice the beautiful Norwegian Stav-churches in the video...

Monday as usual...

Just because it's christmas doesn't mean I am of the hook ...
I had to go to hospital to drain today as any other monday..
but next Monday they are closed for outpasients....yey!

Sander is feeling better! Thats grate! I am so glad he is!
We seem to have spent most of the sunday making love
Maybe that's why my draining was very dry sort of
this morning...lol

I can't write anymore right now...it hurts like
bloody hell...

Blæææ!

Ravns christmas calender...21. December..

The fourth sunday is here..

And I give u a song from a Norwegian childrens tv show...

And I'll even try to translate...

Light a candel

One candel's gonna burn

for this little earth

The shiny heaven-star

where u and I live

May we all share the hope

that someting wonderfull will happen

May heaven and earth meet

I light one candel for hope..

Light a candel

two lights are going to shine..

For love and faith..

For the people who care about others

And the people who build bridges

May priseners grant their freedom

and refuges a home

Light a candel for the ones that cry,

and the ones that comfort them.

Light a candle..

Three light are going to flame...

For the people who has to fight

for justice and freedom

they need our help..

May no one lose their curage

before all people are as one

Light a candle for the ones who fight

for freedom and human rights

Light a candle

All four of them glows for him

who loves everything alive

every lion ...every lamb

Light a candle for the heavenly king

that the sheperds saw

Now heaven and earth can meet

in the littel baby in the crib..

Love ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNzt9UGNNWs

Sleepless in Oslo...

Sander and me have spent the entire day in bed...
Sleeping ...cuddeling...holding each other ...

I have tried to ask him if he is afraid of the operation...but he says he wont talk about it
So I rest my case...I worry about him...and he worrys about me, even though my fever is down now..and I guess I am let of the hook for this time..
The others have been to see aunty Anna...even Iver and Ola..

Lasse phoned this afternoon...Arn and him is gonna spend xmas with Arns twinbrother and his family...Arn is having a good period now...I realy hope it will last for a while now..
he so deserves it!

It's almost one a.m here...Sander is asleep...
I hurt ...until my painkillers kick in I am unable to rest...

We could'nt keep of each other today either...maybe that's why... Making love is so important to us ...because that is the one thing that can make the pain a little weaker..
The endorfins work as painkillers...
besides it drains ...
besides it's wonderfull...

But sometimes it hurts as hell too....

But I cant let bee...I have the sexdrive of a tenage-rabbit!
I wonder when that is gonna stop! He can give me a boner just by looking at me!!
That's kind of embaressing!! And Sander loves to tease me!
Like caling me upp and start to talk dirty to me when I am out shopping...or on the bus...
And I can't have a boner for very long before I hurt...so the result is i have to find someplace
to jack of....and he knows it!!

Even Murmel teased me...that awful year with Sander in psyk. Murmel used to sms me and make me horny as hell. Sander and me had sex like once of twice that year...
Due to his mediction he had a very hard time cumming...
And my sexlife mostly came down to cy-sex with Murmel...I kind of like cy-sex...
And I even miss him in that way from time to time....sweet Murmel...

And I am scared...What if Sanders surgery goes bad? What if he ends up in psyk. again?
Will I cope? Can I be without him once more? I don't know. I haven't the strenght I had the last time. I just feel scared.....


(If u don't know who Murmel is read my blog oktober 18th)

Ravns christmas calendar 20. December...

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep
,And miles to go before I sleep.


Robert Frost...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USrCmAnH9vo

Ravns christmas calendar 19. December...

We have stayed in bed all day...just holding each other..
He is so tired...
and I bet he is scared shitless of the surgery that awaits...
but he wont show...

I wish he would cry...I think it would do him good.
I wish he would open up to me...show his weakness..
dear to be afraid...
I wish...

It's cold outside tonight..but warm and cosy down here in our room..
He sleeps peacefully next to me...golden hair all over the pillow.

We wanted each other so much...
even though it hurts a bit to make love for both of us right now.
So no penetrating...just sweet,sweet kissing
and stroking and warm, soft
hands mouths and lips...slow and gentle...

God! I needed it so much!
To feel him melt and shiver in my arms...
I don't need no xmasgifts...
just his beautiful body next to mine..
Sweet angel-boy...



Traditionell Norwegian xmas song..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0CCRJG4mJU&feature=related


"The ligh are shining from thousands of candles tonight..
Childrens hands are holding them up towards the sky....
To celebrate baby jesus...

Morning..

I have still trouble sleeping...
But today Sander is coming home...

There is still no sign of a serious infection...thank God!
But the fever is holding on...and I feel shitty..
Just want to bury my face in Sanders hair and sleeeeeeep

Ravns christmas calendar 18.December...

Still don't know what to write.
I feel like shit...Espen is watching me like 4 times a day.
I am pumped ful of antibiotics and morph...but I have no swelling
and that's good...

Thank u for leaving coments...I love when u do...or else I feel so lonely when
nobody is out there in this big world...U people are my life sort of...u know
In cyber nobody cares if I am laying in my bed..or that my life consists of hospital,
pain and medication..

So thank u for the coments...they realy matters to me...

love...

This one is for u..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEwEQi8OpLE&feature=related

Blæææææææ....

I've been sleeping all night...
I am still tired and feverish and kind of scared that i might have to go
to hospital again...

I realy cant think of anything to write...and the hell with it!!
Almost nobody reads my shit anymore...

I don't blame them

fuck...

I am running a temprature...fuck

Update...

I haven't slept much..
I worry abut Sander, and I hurt.
Besides it's christmas soon and I havent done any shopping..
Guess I'll have to get someone to shop for me.
Rein has been taking care of the presents to Dads family from us...
And Sander has fixed the goat thing for everybody...but I need to get something for him,
and for Iver...and for Milla too...don't think she will apriciate a giveaway goat!

Granny is bussy making the traditionell stuff to eat at xmas...sylte, diffrent kinds of sild, beefrolls, homemade sossage, we eat that with pork ribs on xmas eve.
Iver is helping her, but I'm good for nothing these days...I am realy sick and tired of myself.
And it is raining...gaaaaaahh!! I hate that!!

We thought Sander would come home today...but now they say friday..fuck
I miss him...
But they will run som more tests...and when I spoke to him last night on the phone
I could tell he was in pain and almost crying...damn, and I couldnt be there...
and I doubth that anyone will let me go there today...can hardly walk
so my pain is a little to obvious..

I don't have much xmas spirit at the moment...wish I could sleep until spring...
wish I could escape the pain
And I need to be strong for Sander now...if he is going through another surgery.
He needs me to be there for him...

And i haven't any strenght left...fuck
So that's all i want for xmas this year...

Strenght...

Ravns christmas calendar 16. December...

I am sorry...my head is full of cotton or something.
I realy can't think of anything to write about..
I have felt lousy all day...and by now it should have been over...
but it aint...I still hurt

Fuckk

Update...

Sander is going home on wednsday...
And then in Janury he wil go back in and they will run tests,
and decide wether to operate or not...
He is ok, but realy tired...

I feel my usuall mondayshitpain...
Poor Iver did babysit me through puking and fainting..
Even though I realy tried to pull myself together...its kind of hard
to puke or pass out gracefully..

Poor Iver...

Ravns christmas calendar 14. december...

The most beautiful christmas song ever...

in its most beautiful version by the late Sweedish tenor Jussi Björling

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The Swedish tenor Jussi Björling (1911-1960) was born in Stora Tuna in the district of Dalarna.

As a boy he toured and recorded with the family quartet, in addition to visiting the United States (1916-26).

His adult teachers were his father David, John Forsell (1928-30) and the Scottish tenor Joseph Hislop.

He was a member of the Royal Opera in Stockholm from 1930, making his début in the small rôle of the Lamplighter in Puccini’s Manon Lescaut.

His‘official’ first appearance was as Don Ottavio in Mozart’s Don Giovanni later that season. Two years later he began his international career in Germany, followed by Vienna (1936), Chicago (1937), the Metropolitan Opera in New York (1938) and Covent Garden the following year.

He continued to appear regularly in New York, except in the war years, until 1959.

Björling was regarded as the foremost Italiansounding tenor of his day in the spinto rôles of Puccini and Verdi, and he also excelled in French opera.

His work was highly respected for its high artistic qualities, even if his acting ability was somewhat stilted and stiff.

He recorded extensively from the mid-1930s until his early death in 1960. His poor health in later years was caused by heart problems.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nrDfqoYzNo

Worry...

I have trouble sleeping...
My bed is very empty with Sander away in hospital.
Besides I worry...

It seems something got fucked up with the blow he took to his nuts sometime ago.
The attacks has clearly speeded up again...and now they are talking of maybe...
just MAYBE he will need another surgery to his spine...
Even though they said the last time that they didn't dear to go any further.

So I guess it will be the same prosedure as the last time....where he stayed in hospital for a long time while they tried to prowoke and deteckt the exact locations of the fucked up nerves.
We will know more on monday.

Ravns christmas calendar 13. December...

Santa Lucia in Sweden

On the 13th of December a statue of Santa Lucia will be carried around the city of Syracusa. Santa Lucia is the patron of Syracusa. Why Santa Lucia is celebrated in Sweden? Santa Lucia was murdered long time ago, during the pre-Christian era when Diocletianus led the Roman Empire. He hated Christians and that time being a Christian in the Roman Empire was forbidden.
Lucia was rich and beautiful. She was also engaged to a young man. But both herself and her mother were secretly Christians. When her mother got ill, they went to a Santa Augustas grave for prayers. Santa Augusta appeared, telling both women that her mother should be cured from her disease. Lucia then promised to give away all her money to thank to God. Her boyfriend could not accept this. He betrayed her and the city-guard in Syracusa came to arrest her. This was on 13th of December. Nobody in city-guard could however kill her. But her boyfriend did it with a sward through her neck. Since Lucia had put out her eyes before she was killed, and a lot of wonders occurred in connection of her death, she became a martyr and was later canonized. She is now the Saint for the blinds.
In the Middle Age Sweden belonged to the Roman Catholic Church and Santa Lucia had the 13th of December as her own day, but she wasn't especially well known by the people.
On the 13th of December there was a special day for "Lusse" celebrated since ages. Lusse was the name of the devil and on the longest night of the year - everyone was afraid of him. This day was also the last day before the Christmas fast. People then ate a lot and of course there was a lot of drinking. It was "Lusse-night".
Something new happened in the 1920-ies. A Swedish singer was on a holiday in Neaples. He saw all street- names, restaurants and hotels named after Lucia. He also heard a special fisherman' song and he now, thanks to the song, got an idea to make the Lucia- celebration more respectable. The song got a new text in Swedish- connected to Lucia. In 1928 a newspaper announced a competition "Who will be Santa Lucia of Sweden?" This was the starting point for a new annual celebration. Since then, every year we appoint "Sweden' Lucia".
Very early on 13th December on every school, hospital, work place, church, nursery, homes for the aged- everywhere she turns up. She comes, with candles in her hair - not alone - there are attendants of girls and boys. The girls are called - maiden, the boys - "stjärngossar". You will also find some "Santa Clauses" and "Ginger-Snaps boys" in her procession. All dressed in white- except for the Santa Clauses and the Ginger-Snaps boys. They sing Christmas- Carols and they serve us coffee, "Lussekatter" and hard Ginger-Snaps cakes. The cakes are formed as hearts. They will make us kind.
Why do we celebrate this day so much? This day is important. Perhaps since this day in the past was the shortest day of the year.
This Lutheran country has adopted Santa Lucia as its own special Saint, and the celebration is an interesting mix between Roman Catholic traditions and old Swedish Folklore.

And in Norway too...

But this year my "Sander Lucia" is in hospital....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZsgFPpBMfA

Again /Ravns christmas calendar 12. December...

Sander had another attack last night...
Now we are realy worried...he is not suposed to get them so often anymore.
As usuall when it happens at night it was Ola that woke me up...he is the cleverest
dog ever! And as usuall I found him on the bathroomfloor...
It was realy horrible this time...for he didn't pass out...he usually does, but this time he did not
he was awake all the way to hospital ...desperate from pain.

It does something to me whatcing him go through this....it totaly wears me out mentally.
The desperation of not beeing able to help him is almost to much for me to bear..
I cry now as I write this...fuck....
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Then I come to think of another episode that happened to him about two years ago...

Sander and I had been at the hospital to vissit Arn...we were going to take the train home
and were walking through downtown Oslo on a crisp autumnday.

Then Sander suddenly stumbles...I grab him by the arm...His face has suddenly gone all white..
Shitt...I know only too well what is happening to him...it is an attack.

I grab him and drag him in to an open gate leading in to small back yard...there he colapses in a corner and starts to throw up...fuck.
I garb my phone...only to find the batteries are empty. Then I look for Sander but remembers that he said earlyer on that he had left it at home by mistake...damn..

A door opens at the far end of the yard and two women comes out..Looking verry buisnesslike in their aperance...They look with disgust at Sander laying on the ground..
One of them looks at me and says.-"You two...get the hell out of here. This is private property"
-"But can't you see he is sick" I try to explain.
-"Probebly drunk" One of them say to the other.
-"No he is not" I am desperate for them to belive me..
Sander choughs and pukes again...they look at him with grate dispice and disgust.

Then the door opens again and a tall elderly man comes out...dressed in a navy suit and a tie..
He looks kind of familiar...but I havent got the time to think about where I might have seen him before.
The women hurrys towards him yapping on how he must get us out of there. The man looks at me...then at Sander who lies on the ground with both hands burried between his leggs.

-" You two just go on ahead" he says to the women. -"I'll catch up with you"
He then kneels beside us on the ground. -"Wat's the matter with him"? He takes of his jacket and places under Saders head...with no regard what so ever that he will get dirt and puke all over it.
I tell him...I suddenly spill out everything! How sander has been the last years...how much I wish for him to be well and how scared I am. -"Well I think we should get him inside...he lifts Sander upp in his arms and carrys him inside the building. Sander has past out and dangles like raggdoll in his arms.

He leads on in to a big luxuriuos office...with leather sofas and a huge desk...He carefully placese Sander on one of the sofas. Sander moans and opens his eyes..-" I got to piss" he wispers.
I tell the man...ask him if he has anything Sander can use since it is impossible to get him to use the batroom now. The man looks around the room ...on a shelf is a colection of silver prices..won in some tournament it seems...-"There" He grabs a big silver vas...use this. Help him!
He hands it to me. -"But".... I try to object...
He smiles -" I always found it rather ugly...it's nice to se it come out handy"

I help Sander to piss while the man calls for an ambulance. Sander then pass out again and the man sees to it that he is in a comfortable position and can breath. His clothes looks messy from carying Sander...but it don't seem to bother him at all. He is only conserned with Sander.

At last the ambulance comes and Sanders placed in the back...I give the man my hand..
-"Thank you so much for helping us...he reach in his pocket and takes out a hundred dollar bill and a buisnesscard...-"Here.. take this. You might need some cabfair later on" He presses them in to my hand. "And call me! I want to hear how he is doing!"
I promise to do that...and then the abulance drives away with us..

When I get home that night I suddenly remembers that I had promised to call him...
I find the card in my coat and....holly shit!!!

Now I know why he looked familiar!! For the man was Olav Thon..
One of Norways richest men...and the owner of half of Oslo...wow

Who would have thought him to show such compasion...
Thank you so much Mr Thon...

We ow u....big time...

Ravns christmas calendar 11. December...

Today we are having the big bakeing day...

In Norway it is customary to make 7 sorts of christmas pastry and cookies.

So we are at it...or ..hmm

Sander and I took the oportunity of making love while granny and Iver went shopping for the ingrediences.

And now "bakerboy" is sort of fast asleep lol

We will make

Kransekake, pepperkaker, krumkaker,serinakaker,krydderkake, sandkaker og smultringer...mmmmmmm.

We wont be able to make it all to day though...so I guess we will bake tomorrow too...Then we use to make homemade toffy and marsipan...

Today is a cold and snowy day here ...very xmasy..

Tonight Rein and Ivers brother Gard is coming for dinner...to eat rakefisk...

It is a norwegian tradision..small throuts are put in a bucket with salt and put aside til it's hum....almost rotten...lol

Then you eat it with onion, sourcreem, lefse and almondpotatoes..yummy!!

With the fish you drink aquavita and beer...

I am a little better...Sander is ok...Iver is walking properly lol

For now...all is well

Love to u all....

Ravns christmas calendar 10. December...

Today is a big day in Oslo...the annual Nobel peace price award takes place...

This years prize goes to the Finn peace negotiater Marti Artisari...

A well earned ...if rather unbrave choise...

I want to give a tribute to a former prizewinner...a little lady with the sweetest face ever..

The Guatemalan winner of the Nobel Peace prize 1992 ....Rigoberta Menchu Tum..

Rigoberta Menchú Tum was born in 1959 to a poor Indian family in the highlands of Guatemala. Like many other countries in South and Central America, Guatemala has experienced great tension between the descendants of European immigrants and the native Indian population. The Menchú family experienced extreme hardship as a result of their Mayan background.

In the 1970s and 1980s, the repressive military dictatorship of Guatemala began a large-scale repression of Indian peoples. Before she was 21, Rigoberta's mother, father and brother had been brutally tortured and murdered by the Guatemalan army. Rigoberta confronted the oppression faced by her family and her peoples by actively protesting labor and human rights abuses. In 1981 she was forced to leave her country and seek exile in Mexico.

In exile she became an eloquent defender of the rights and values of indigenous peoples and other victims of government oppression. On several occasions, Rigoberta returned to her home country to plead the cause of the Indian peasants, but death threats forced her to return into exile. In 1983, Rigoberta's testimonial book I, Rigoberta Menchú, helped the plight of the indigenous people in Guatemala become global news.

After winning the Peace Prize, Rigoberta established the Rigoberta Menchú Tum Foundation, which promotes the rights of indigenous people around the world. Over the years, she has become widely known as a leading advocate of Indian rights and ethno-cultural reconciliation.

In 1998, she published Rigoberta: La Nieta de los Mayas, later translated into English and titled Crossing Borders. Rigoberta's work has earned her several international awards and honorary doctorates. In 1993, she was nominated by the United Nations as Goodwill Ambassador for the International Year of the Indigenous Peoples. She went on to serve as the official spokesperson for the United Nations International Decade of Indigenous Peoples from 1994-2003. She has held the position of Good Will Ambassador for the Peace Accords in Guatemala since 2004.

Rigoberta is also involved in the Mexican pharmaceutical industry as President of the company Salud para Todos ("Health for All"), which has the goal of offering generic medicines to indigenous people in Guatemala. After winning the Prize, she established the Rigoberta Menchú Tum Foundation which promotes the rights of indigenous people around the world. Since 2004 she has served as Good Will Ambassador for the Peace Accords in Guatemala. Today Rigoberta is widely known as a leading advocate of Indian rights and ethno-cultural reconciliation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bB3tOCT3nHc&feature=related

Ravns christmas calendar 9. December...

I miss summer...
I miss the smell and the warmt...and the sun.

And I give you Edward Grieg....our national composer..
"morningmood" from Per Gynt suite...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUKRBeG-sGQ&feature=related

Ravns christmas calendar 8. December...

Another monday gone by in the name of pain..
I am not in the writing mood..

Sander is in hospital after an attack this morning...
It was realy the first time Iver vitnessed it happen ...and it almost scared the shit out of him.
No wonder...it still scares me too...my poor baby.

Tonight I give you a sweedish christmassong...with Agneta from ABBA!!
Enjoy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSB8D82c3bE&feature=related

Ravns christmas calendar 7. December...

Aurora borealis....Northern lights outside of Tromsø town..
Breathtaking....



17 year old Norwegian singer Erlend Brattland does Joni Mitchell..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5AAoL4p3fs

Ravns christmas calendar 6.December...

this is a photo from 2001





The pain is once again keeping me from sleeping..
it's five am. here and everybody else is ....
So I make todays blogentry while waiting for my PK's to kick in..


We have about 20 inch of snow right now...and it looks magick ..
And our little town has the prettiest christmas street in Norway





The pick abowe is almost 50 years old...but the decoration pretty much looks the same today
Don't you just love it! And this part of main steet has the same old houses still ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FbVVeqf_fU&feature=related

Ravns christmas calendar 5. December...

I have not posted much since I came home...I've been so fucking tired..
Dont have much drive to do anything...

Iver is installed in his own room now...happy and content it seems...it's nice for us to have a bit more privacy too..even if it was kind of nice to have him here in our room too..
I worry about xmas shopping and buying gifts for everyone...but then I came to think of that Sander and me decided to get a gift to the "church aid" on behalf of each member of our family...so there will be 4 familys out there somewhere in africa that will get a goat for xmas instead of us buying junk ...is'nt that a great idea?

Oh,, u cant read it...but u'll get the picture...
http://www.gaversomforandrerverden.no/home/gift.aspx?id=2&name=geit

Another xmas song for u....in sweedish this time..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-CWdZ1zXD0

Ravns christmas calendar 4.December...

Today i give you 2 typical Norwegian folktunes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dff7-Uhff8E

Ravns christmas calendar 3.December...

I am not much of a bible reader...

but there is one man that in my opinion gets way to little atention...

Marys boyfriend...Josef.

The "father" of Jesus...wasn't he the real hero?

Mary...(who he knew that he didn't sleep with)...came to him

and told him that she was pregnant.

And on top of that...the baby was Gods son !!!

And Josef...

well he did not say

"-That's the lamest exuse I have ever heard!

Hasta lavista,baby!"

No. he realy did belive her...

he stood by her side...like a rock...

silent and sure..through it all.

To me that is the biggest love ever...

Josefs love for Mary...

St. Josef of the earth...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYQo4Rq3bPU&feature=related

Home...

At last I am home again...a bit tired..a bit hurting still, but home!
It feels great...

Ravns chritmas calendar 2. December...

Sometimes hidden tresures is found when you least expect them...

This is one of mine....

A sweet tune..

sung by a ....hmm.....frog!!

The rainbow connection.

Why are there so many songs about rainbows.

and whats on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,

and rainbows have nothing to hide...

So we've been told and some choose to belive it.

I know they're wrong...wait and see...

Someday we'll find it. The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers ......and me...

Who said that every wish will be heard and answered

when wished on the mornigstar ?

Somebody thought of that....and someone belived it.

Look what it's done so far..

Whats so amazing that keeps us stargazing ?

And what do we think we might see ?

Someday we'll find it. The rainbow connection.

The lovers, the dreamers..... and me...

All of us wonder if still we know that it's probably magic...

Have you been half asleep ? And have you heard voices ?

I've heard them calling my name...

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors ?

The voice might be one and the same...

I've heard it to many times to ignore it...

It's something that I'm supposed to be...

Someday we'll find it. The rainbow connection.

The lovers,the dreamers....

and me.....

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

" You may grind the souls in the selfsame mill,

You may bind them, heart and brow ;

But the poet will follow the rainbow still,

And his brother will follow the plow "

John Boyle O'Reilly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thEiXbovv98

Ravns christmas calendar 1. December...

The worlds AIDS day.

This year Ravn will make his annual christmas calendar even in english !!

Here he will post stuff that realy means somthing to him...

Since he is still in hospital. I get to do the firts entry!!

Sander.

...................................................................

How can we contribute? I am sure each and everyone of you will make an effort today.

Either by giving donations or at least wear the ribbon..

There are still far to many who contages this horrid disease every day around the world.

Yes,there is medication, but most poor people cannot aford them.

Maybe your donation can save a life?

Think of it.

What better christmas gift can you get?

http://www.avert.org/worldaid.htm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGbnua2kSa8

Update saturday ...

Ravn is still there.He is feeling a bit better just like he did last weekend.
The doctors have not decided yet if they are going to drain or not on monday.
They might put him to sleep before the draining. I do not think that is a good ide.
They tend to be even more "brutal" to him the times he has had that done in the past.
And he realy does not need to hurt even more!

Ivers new painmedication is not good enough either. He keeps waking up in the middle of the night in pain. I worry. I think the pain should have gone or at least became less severe by now.
I don't like to se him suffer like this. He is just a kid. And he is not used to this kind of pain like Ravn and me. He will be back in hospital on monday for his checkup.
I will go with him and I will demand that they do something before the pain wears him out.

Have a good weekend.

Sander.

Update thursday morning..

Ravn is still in hospital.
I was there yesterday, and he still sleeps a lot.
The pain is still severe,
and it is realy nothing anybody can do except to ease it.

He asked me to wish you all a happy thanksgiving.
I will go to him again today.Gran will drive Iver and me.
Iver is going in for a check, he is still in pain.
And I think they might have to change his medication.
But at least his fever is down to almost normal temp.

Thank you for caring.

Sander.

Update tuesday...

Ravn is back in hospital. They had to increase his morphine dose yesterday and Espen decided he was better of in hospital where he can get it intravenous.
He is sleeping most of the time now, and that is good for him. He was totally worn out from all the pain last week and the caring for Iver and me.

I will go there later today.

Sander.

Hey.

Ravn is in no conditiont to write.
He had a very bad day even for a draining day.
He just wants me to say "Hi" to u all. :)

Sander.

Sunday night...

I am feelimg a bit better today...and thats typical...
For tomorrow is monday and hell brakes loose again.
Sander says he is ok too....but Iver still hurts and says he is swollen...

Poor kid woke up in a fright this morning...at first he refused to say what was wrong...
but little by little we got the picture.
He had woken from a wet dream only to find he had shott a load of bloodstained sperm in his boxers...we both assured him thats pretty normal when u have eppidydimittes..

He seems very much ashamed of that part of his body...I suspect he was thought at home not play with his dick....and I find it hard to ask him ...But he realy need to jack of at least every day now....to beat the inflamation...only...how do we put that to him? He may have been thought that jacking of is a sin and realy bad for you...Any sugestions?

Sander and me try to act natural with him...we don't make out in front of him or anything...but we tuch and kiss as usuall...He seems ok with it...but we don't know yet if he is gay or not

We haven't herad a word from his folks...all though they should have come home by now...but it might be "Childcare" who has to take the blame.

Oh...and Granny came today :)
So good to have her back...I think she and Iver took an instant liking to each other...and thats good...Iver says that he doesn't have any grandparents...and then granny said "well you can have me" :)

Tomorrow morning all three of us are going to hospital...Sander and Iver for check-ups and me for draining...(here i go again)

A bed for three...

I am beeing as quite as I can this morning...so I wont wake the two others sleeping in my bed.
Yes, you heard right!

Iver came late last night...after childcare had removed him from home...
Luckily mom and Stephan both work with kids...and got a fostercare aprovement.
They acted on neglect of a minor...on behalf of both mom and Ivers brother...Gard
So...everybody wonder how his parents will react when they come home from Cobenhagen..

Poor Iver was in a state last night...he still hurts and it is still so painfull for him to walk.
He hadn't eaten anything for the whole day...and with the sight of mom and Sander
the damm broke open...and he cried like a baby.

We took him downstairs to our room...wanting to keep him safe the first night. Mom made a bed on our sofa for him. And after some cocoa, sandwiches and a dubble pain killer he fell asleep ...almost like an exhusted puppy..

So Sander and me went to bed as well...Decent, for the first time in history...lol
Wearing boxers...

I had not jacked of since monday ( I know...think it must be a personal best)
So I was realy hot for him...but we could not do anything with Iver there..
We just lay in each others arms in the dark...kissing each other quietly.
It felt wonderfull...the room was pitch black...so the only sensation was the feel of each other..
the warmt from his body...the softness from his lips. God! it feelt so good!
And it is a little embaressing...but he actually made me cum...just by kissing me!
lol I must have been realy desperate!
And Iver snored lightly on the sofa..
So I could not resist finding my way down Sanders body...
kissing and licking...until he filled my mouth with
his "green banana" lovejuice...
It is true!! His sperm realy tastes like that!!!
Gourmet sperm! LOL

Iver hopefully slept through it all...

But I woke upp in the middle of the night from him crying...
He was hurting again and I gave him more painkillers then I took him into our bed to hold him and calm him..
And when the pk's kicked in he fell asleep on my arm... poor darling

As the daylight begins to brake I can se their faces...Both looking like babys in their sleep..Blond heads with tangled hair...long lashes...they are both beautiful
Iver could have been Sanders baby brother...they look so much the same..

It's a pretty image...but I hurt now..and I can't write anymore .
I'll just lay down nex to them again and try not to wake them before Espen comes..

Sander is home...

Mmm.. he realy is...and we have just slept for three hours in each others arms...
So wondefull to have him back...

Iver is not here though...his parents got very offended by mom and Stephs sugestion and threathened to sue them if they continued...so thats how things are right now.

He is home from hospital too...and all alone.
Parents wouldn't cansel their weekend trip to Kobenhagen.. His brother is checking up on him....but the childcarepeople doesnt know that...Mom are putting in a child-neglect acusation against them saying that he is all alone, a minor, and sick...and if they act on that...they will take custody of him. His brother will acuse them too...and suport mom.

So we'll just wait and see...In the mean time I cuddle upp to my love..guess shared pain is better than hurting alone...

Still here..

I am still here..

Drugged and totally worn out...but I am still home.
It's 5.30 am ...and I cant sleep for the damned pain...
Espen will be by in about an hour and a half,

I'll try and survive tillthen..

I still hurt...

I still hurt...

I wont be able to go vissit Sander today...I have tried to...but I didnt even make it out of the house before I fainted. So here I am in bed again...trying to keep going on painkillers.
I don't want to bother Espen today...but I guess I need more morph. the painkillers doesn't do much for me.

As for Iver. Mom and and Stephan has spoken to both him and his brother. And they agree with Sander and me that he is better of with us...his brother who by the way is named Gard said that he didnt think his parents would object to Iver staying with us ...
So mom and Steph will sett up a meeting with them and then we'll se...
As for Iver himself he almost started crying when Sander made the sugestion that he should come live with us...and he then told him that he had been harassed in school and hated it there..
Thats bad...but even good. It will be a good argument towards his parents for moving him.

Right now I fear that I has to go in again myself...I don't think theres an inflamation on the way..couse I dont have a fever.. maybe they just messed upp something when they drained me..
It hurt so I can't even sit at this point...and I realize I have to tell someone....*sigh*

So if I disapear from blogging and msn you know why...

My love to you all...

Just wanna sleep...

I realy feel like shit...

The pain from the draining usually has gone away by tuesday night....but this tuesday it hasn't.
I am in pain still and it seems like it's increasing instead of disapearing.

And I'm just so bloody tired of it all...wish I could sleep it away...
I sound depp...I know...and I am. I've come to the point were I feel empty...like i don't have anything to give to anybody anymore...
All theres left is the throbing, annoying pain between my legs...

Just wanna sleep...sleeeeep...sleeeeeeeeeeep

But i can't..

Fuck.

Forgive me for beeing an asshole...

I have been an absolut asshole all evening...

I have been in so much pain today...and I miss Sander...and I have NOT been nice ...
neither to my folks or my friends on msn...

Theres no excuse for bad behavior...please forgive me...

Love u all...

Iver...

I am back home...and I had one of the worst car-rides in my life..

I stayed with Sander and Iver for awhile after draining and I forgot the time...
that resulted in my morph wearing out in the cab.
Driver had to stop three times so I could puke...hell. The last time he stopped...I fainted and he had to drag me back in the to the car. Then the poor man had to sort of carry me inside when we got home.
I think he regretted his career choice... lol

I am ok now...Espen was here 30 min ago and gave me another shot...

It was not the bitchy doc that did the draining this morning...thank God!
And thank's to me not jacking of in the showers...I managed to produce a sperm sample in record time...lol.
I have a vivid imagination!! hehe

I learned more about Iver today from Sander. Iver was at the doc's when I got there so we had time to talk private...Sander told me that Ivers mom came last night...and that she looked like a faded moviestar and semed annoyed by Iver beeing sick...no compasion or care from her.
Iver semed embaresed by her...and was clearly relived when she left after a ten minute visit.

His parents live in the rich part of town as we thought...his father owns a big chain of hardwearstores...his mom an antiques shop...None of them has time for Iver who is raised mostly by au-pair girls...
Sander did even asked Iver last night why he got kicked in the nuts...and it apears he had been in a fight...two boys had jumped him in school...but he refused to tell Sander why..

Tonight I am going to talk to my mom and stephdad...we have a spare room even with granny here...would it be ok if Iver could stay with us? He defenitly are negleckted at home...
I want him away from there...he told Sander he has an older brother...he left home at 16 and is now 23...and he hasn't been home since...he keep in tuch with Iver by phone though...
He seem to cling to Sander and me...it's like no one has ever been nice to him..
And I want him somewhere safe and sound...with people who cares...

I'll have to wait and see what they say...but from what Sander has told me...Ivers folk's probebly
will be glad to get rid of him! I can't think of much else right now...

Monday morning..

In a minute I shall go to hospital to get my weekly draining done...blææææææ...

Then I will go and se Sander for a while when the morph is still keeping me on my feet.
I was there with Trine last night..No change in Sanders condition. And little Iver's parents had not showed up..fuck them! I have the urge to call them and say what I mean...
Iver doesn't seem to miss them though...he has lost the scared looks and seems happy with Sander there. I haven't had the chance to ask Sander how it goes....for we were never alone last night..Maybe I'll get the chance today...

Well...I'll hit the shower...avoiding my usuall morning jack of...couse I have to give a spermsample in hospital. And the setting is not very sexy...so I need all the help I can get to fix that without Sander helping...

Have a good day all of u out there...

Another visit...

I have spent most of the day in hospital.

They will keep Sander for a couple of days couse he is kind of swollen again...and he is in pain.And they don't like that the atacks are so frequent. They was suposed to be gone....

Little cutie-pie Iver was still there today...looking pale and feverish still but not quite as scared as yesterday.
Sander has that effect on ohter people...he knows how to calm and comfort. I guess thats why they placed him with Iver..
I asked Iver if his parents been to se him..but he said no..and that maybe they'll come when they come home tomorrow, but he didn't think so.. ..
Hmm...I found that disturbing. What kind of people ignores that their 15 year old is in hospital whit an eppididymittes??

They were both glad to see me...I went down to the hospitalstore and got sodas and some fruit for the two..Sander looked a little less tired....but I could tell he still hurt from the line around his mouth...I know him so well..

When Iver was taken by the nurse into the surgery to take some bloodsamples and se the doc...Sander told me that Iver had been crying and puking during the night...and that Sander has gotten out of bed to calm him...He said that Iver had asked if we were gay...and that Sander had said we were..
And the sweet thing had said that it was fine by him...he didn't mind...
As we spoke I crept in to Sanders bed and lay down beside him...smelled his familiar sweet smell...and held him in my arms ....my body acing for him, but I didn't want to do anything
in case Iver came back...just kissed him..

So that resulted in me having a major hard-on...that realy made my nuts hurt...and when Iver did come back I escaped to the bathroom were I jacked of in a hand towel...

I know...I am hopeless...

Iver was even paler than before and told us that the dock had been kind of rough on him...
I could guess who...couse there is a woman who is a real bitch working the uro sometimes..
And both me and Sander dread her!! She is just a heartless witch!
And I got realy pissed at her for being evil to Iver...Thats so cruel to a young kid.. no need to make him hurt more that he already is..
I wanted to tell her that...but she was not there when I went looking for her later on before I went home...

Ok....so that was maybe just as well...In case she is the one that will drain me om mondaymorning!!

Friday in hospital...

First of all i want to thank you all for careing...

I have been to hospital today to be with Sander...he is tired as always after an attack...
So we didn't talk much...I sat an held his hand most of the time while he slept.
I haven't been feeling so hot myself today....but I did ok on painkillers.

While I was there this young kid came in...he was 15-16.... I think...and very,very scared..
All alone and hurting realy bad...whit eyes shining of fever..

He was instaled in the other bed next to Sander...and told by the nurse to relax.
When she left he looked at me with big blue frightned eyes..
I smiled at him...-"Don't worry...she's not gonna eat you. I am Ravn...and sleepyhead here is Sander." I could se he had noticed us holding hands.
-"I'm Iver...he had a suprisingly dark voice for his age and his cute face..
-"It was nice to meet you, Iver...even in this place...whats wrong with you?"

He didn't look at me...but stared at his hands....
-"I got an infection or something to my nuts...It hurts so badly...."
A couple of tears left his eyes and rolled down his cheek...he quickly dried them away
-"It's ok to cry..." I asured him
-"I know how much it hurts.....And then... as I had just fired a starting-gun...tears started streaming down his face...
-"Hey...oh poor baby.."...I let go of Sanders hand and went to sit on his bed...

-"Are you all alone in here?" I asked...he nodded...tears streaming...
-"I was alone for the weekend...but I hurt so badly that I had to call our doc...and he sent me here...I was kikced in the nuts three days ago...and it wouldnt go away...then today I got this fever too and I puked ...and I feel like shit...and...and

He cried now...and I dint quite know what to do...so I just sat there and stroke his hair.
I asked if I should call for the nurse...but he did not want her ...and when I told him that both me and Sander has had the same thing ...he stopped crying.
I told him briefly of us...but leaving out the roughest parts so I wouldnt scare him...He told me that he was 15...and that hospitals scared him shitles..

After a while the nurse came back and gave him a shot of painkillers...
I sat beside him until it kicked in...and he closed his eyes..

When I thought he was asleep...I stood up and went back to Sanders bed...
-"Ravn? Ivers voice was mearly a whisper...-"Do you think they will operate on my nuts"?
I shook my head...-"No...in that case you would have been on the operating table right now...go to sleep and try not to worrie" I sat down in the chair beside Sanders bed...he was still fast asleep.

-"Ravn ?....Iver didn't open his eyes...-"Could u stroke my hair some more?"
So I did until he sleept...

Feeling so sorry for him...

Again...

It happened again...

He took three steps sideways and kind of colapsed on the kitchen floor...
I knelt behind him as usuall...Milla was thank God asleep on moms bed.
He looked like he was unconcious...
That gave me time to call the ambulanse and Trines mom...I pulled him up a bit so he could rest agains my thighs...to ensure that he could breath freely. He was shaking....but he didn't wake up.
Trines mom came...he woke up..puked, tears streaming ...
I tried to calm..to comfort...no could do...when the ambulance arived we were both crying.
I went in with him...sat in the back and held his hand...feelt it tremble..and I couldn'tstop my tears..

The ambulance drivers knows us...the one back there with Sander and me is sweet...trying everything in his power to smooth the ride...

They took him straight to the intensive care unit...his hand in mine...I refused to let him go..
I hold him through the ultrasound and the injection...I watched as they catheterized him.
After he passed out from the shot...
Slowly his body stoped shivering...and only the white part was visible in his eyes..and his hand feelt limp in mine...

The head nurse stroked my hair...-"Are you ok Ravn"?
I dried my tears in a desperate move to pull myself together and wispered...-"Yes"...
As they moved Sander over to a bed and into a room...she took my sweater to clean of Sanders puke..sat me down in the nurses station and gave me a cup of tea..

I took a cab home...through a wintercold crowded Oslo...
Feelt so damned lonely ...feelt lost..

I don't see why it's necesary that he is in so much pain...
God can give it to me instead...


When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.

Bob Dylan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WVyanm14EI

I am realy sorry..

I got to think about mankind today...
Or rather ....what kind of people men are?

While watching the 7'oclock news..I witnessed 16 year old boys trained by Al Quida to be suicidebombers...and they willingly go....they willingly blow them selves to peases for Allah..
But that is no news!!
I mean through out history men has gone to a certain death with theire eyes wide open...marching towords death from the enemy guns in the sivilwar...
getting sloughtered in the trenches in WW l...
Like a pack of wild deer..they are midlessly running them self of a cliff !

Is that who we are? Who i am? Can I identify with those guys?

Men will be like that always...
I am not so sure...it might be the testosteron making us mindless savages...and that might have been needfull back in the old days...but do we need that behaveior now?

I realy cant se no reason at all to go and get killed ...neither to kill others. I can up to a point understand that wars were neccesary way back when the comunication between people were diffcult...but nowadays?
I mean, come on!! We should have diplomacy to take care of all that stuff now! And I bet we would have if there were women who ruled the world. I don't see them having the same selfdestructive gene that men has...
Oh,they will kill alright! If they realy,realy have to...
If something thretens their loved ones...they will fight braver than any man...

But this mindlessly walking towards death....Knowing the outcome...
I don't think they would...they'd stop ...and rethink..then they would found it is not worth it...and turn back. Face life instead of death.

I think thats how women are...

I am sometimes ashamed of beeing a man...when the news are full of rapists, pedofiles and wifebeaters.When the soldiers in Kongo rape and kill babies...
I refuse to belive that i would be capable of such horrors...but even so...I feel guilt and shame..
I know it's nothing I can do...I can't change mankind...

I just somewhat want to say that I am sorry..


I'd like say that on behalf of my sex...

"I am truly sorry for all of our mindless acts...hurting and scareing others...for beliving time after time that war ends all problems...for all the times inocent children,women and even young boys has been sexually abused,beaten and killed. For all our withdrawl from the things that realy matter in life...love and friendship...
I am realy so sorry"
..................................................................................

These mist covered mountains

Are a home now for me

But my home is the lowlands

And always will be

Some day you’ll return to your valleys and your farms

And you’ll no longer burn to be brothers in arms

Through these fields of destruction

Baptisms of fire

I’ve watched all your suffering

As the battles raged higher

And though they did hurt me so bad in the fear and alarm

You did not desert me my brothers in arms

There’s so many different worlds

So many differents suns

And we have just one world

But we live in different ones

Now the sun’s gone to hell

And the moon’s riding high

Let me bid you farewell

Every man has to die

But it’s written in the starlight and every line on your palm

We’re fools to make war.....on our brothers in arms.

Dire Straits.

There...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGpwKQo5_Z0&feature=related

Hellnight...

I have realy had a hellnight!
Our regular doc, Espen..got sick yesterday...so he could not come and give me morph shots as usual. Sander had to call the "all night emergensy"..and they realy was not very understanding to my situasjon. They obviously don't come home to their paisients unless they are dead...they demanded that Sander should get me in a cab and come down to the emergensyroom...by that time I haden't had any morph for almost 10 ours ...I had puked like a 100 times...and I was not able to stand up and almost unconcious from pain...hell..

Sander had to wake Stephan...and he called the emergensyroom again in a VERY angry way...and they finaly sendt a doc around at 3 am...by then I had been out of morph for 13 hours and I remember standing on my hands and feet in the bed with my head buried in my big pillow crying like a baby...with Sander trying to comfort me the best he could...
I think the doc that finaly came understood the seriousness of my pain ...couse he didnt argue...just gave me the shot..and he made another doc come back this morning to give me another injection..

It scares the shit out of me to think that this may be our situasjon if we move...that we will have to deal with people who don't know us and don't give a fuck! And they say the districkt doc out there is a woman...will a woman understand that kind of pain? Can she relate?
I realy don't know...It's fucking scary!

Monday report...

A monday report from a doped up Ravn...

So many things has happened during the weekend...
Yesterday morning grannys sister died...she is the one granny has been living with since granpa died ...even if she has been with us most of the time. It was lucky she was in Trondheim when it happened...cause she was closer to her there and got to say goodbye to her. So she is staying upp there for the next week too and mom is flying upp there tomorrow to help out..

Then yesterday me and Sander companied mom and Stephan to look at the house they want to buy from Stephans grate aunt...
Well...it was in the middle of "piggsknuckle" nowhere...and almost 40 min drive from us...that means 1h. 10 min to hospital...and I consider that too far for Sander when he has his attacks.
But alas...he was beond reason as soon as he saw the greate, big house, the barn and stables...he got all brighteyed and bushytailed...and kept on and on about the horses he wants to have..and I just could not brake his spirit by telling him that he probebly wont be able to sit on a horse...

Grate Aunt Anna was a wonderfull little old lady...with white hair and a walkingstick...and a fridge full of coca cola...lol. I think Sander and me hit it of at once with her...she was so cool!
She is to move in an apartmentbuliding just across the fileds...so she will still be our neighbour sort of.
The house was verry big with a huge oldfashioned kitchen with a big fireplace and a gigantic table that i think could seat 20 people! There were three livngrooms downstairs...a loo and bedroom...upstairs were a big room tha we call "sal" and I think 6 bedrooms...and on top a big old spooky attic...Thats were we're suposed to live...

I realy dont know how I feel about it...we have to get a new doc...will we be able to find one who will serve us like Espen did? I think not...and it is far away from friends and from Milla...
I just don't know...
I wish it was somehow posible for me and Sander to remain in this house...but I know we can't...
we don't have the money to buy it...and mom and Stephan are going to have to sell couse they will need the money to redo the old farmhouse....

Today was as usual not pleasent visit to the hospital...but I'll manage as usuall..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpNznyIZCwQ&feature=related

Lazy day..

Yesterday was so much fun! Good food...good company...and everybody happy!
Our dinnerparty was a sucsess!
And to topp it of...Milla tok her first steps...right into Sanders arms :)
It was sooooo cute!

Today we stayed in bed until almost two pm...making slow and lazy love. A wonderful way to begin the day...I'll spare you the details this time...hehe.

HB finaly mailed...I am so glad that both of them are ok...I was so woried..I had'nt spoken to him since monday!! And had imagined all sorts of terible things happening to them in my mind...

Tomorrow we will go with mom and Stephan to look at the farmhouse they want to buy...I have still very mixed feelings about it...So we'll just have to wait and see...

I kiss you all goodnight...

Love..

Friday dinnerparty...

We are hosting a dinnerparty tonight!!

Yes...you heard right...we are!

We thought we would like to give some back...It's usually us who gets everybodys attention.

So tonight we will have a dinnerparty for mom, Stephan,Rein,Trine,Simon, Milla,JanE,and Trines mom(granny is still with dad)

This morning we've been cleaning, shopping and doing laundry. Sander is going to cook..

I'll be the kitchenmaid...lol

The Meny.

Smoked salmon and creemecheese "Lefse"(thin norwegain potatoe tortilla) rolls

served on a rucolla bed.

"Elgkarbonader" ( a sort of norwegian meatballs meade from Moose)

with mushroom/sourcreamstew,vegetables,potatoes and creemsauce

Varm chokolatefondant with blacberrycoulis and vanillaicecream.

I hope everybody will enjoy it!

Have a perfect weekend !

Keep the rubber side down...

This morning we woke up to a major turningpoint for the world...

A black man is going to be the next president of the untited states!

Now, who would have imagined that only a few years back?

I admit..I am a softy. And I teared up over the speach he delivered to the American people.

He is not only an amazing speaker...but he even manages in an sencere way to include even the loosing part..This man has a carisma we have to go way back in history to equal..back to Martin Luther King..

All of his campaign as far as I know has been sentred about changes..

And I think America is ready for just that...

The senter of the world laying with a broken back...so to speak..

But I do belive that Obama may be the man to turn that...he has given hope not only to a nation...but to the whole world! Not so much by his poletics...but by the fackt that he is black.

I see US as a multietnic nasjon...the biggest in the world..and he is not only the afro/americans president...he is the president of the latinos...the asians...even the norwegian emigrants !!

All the diffrent people that caries the working load of the nation..

Oh he is educated...and he is certainly rich...but he married a girl from the South side chicago...the poor part of town. And she might have an even more symbolic value than him..

the first black wife in the white house..clever...educated...the prove that it might be true...U can get as far you want in America...

I realy hope they know what powers they posess now...what an opertunety they have to make a diffrece in the lives of the ordenary people...

They will be worshiped and loved..

But they will feel the hate too...and that makes me afraid...

afraid that it is going to end like it did for Martin Luther King...

Very afraid..

But..... I prefer to belive that this is a victory to mankind!! For brotherhood...for togethernes...for every thing good inside our hearts...

Let's belive in the changes yet to come...It's gonna be a fight...cause changes are never easy to make...but it's gonna be worth it!! We need so much to belive in the future right now..

So good luck...Mr. President!

And as the "angels" would say..."Keep the rubber side down" !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ixbah9u234

Yesterday...

Yesterday was not a very pleasent one...
Sander and I both had hospitalapointments in the morning...me for the usuall draining...him to check on the swelling (wich was no better) so the doc decided to drain it(stick a syringe into the nutsack) That REALY is not pleasent!! Even Sander had to admit it!!

So instead of him taking care of me...it was we taking care of each other...
Taking turns hurting and puking...cause nobody else was home...and we somehow managed whitout calling Trines mom..
Granny is on a much deserved vissit to Trondhjem to se my dad and his family...after all she is his mom...not my moms mother if u thought that!

So....when mom came from work yesterday and found us in a rather sorry state...she called Rein again..I guess we will be having "agels" babysitting once again...

And sweet HB ...checking in on us by logging in on msn from work! That's so tuching somehow that he cares for us from the other side of the world... He even came back on after work to se how we was...Man u r the best!

Sander just woke up...I shall try to go upstairs and make us some soup..pray I wont burn it!
Have a nice day all of u out in the big world....

Alle helgens dag...

This sunday was "alle helgens dag" in Norway.
It means it is the day of the year when we remeber our dead...we go to the graveyard bringing flowers and candles..
Stephan had to work ...and me and Sander didn't want mom to go alone to my babybrothers grave...so we went there with her. Neither of us feeling good, but hey!
It's only a short drive there...

Sander usually wont go there...so I was a bit surprised that he wanted to...but I guess he did it to be nice to my mom and all. We brought a candel for the little lamp by the gravestone and a decorated heart made from moss that mom had made for him....
It was late afternoon and dusk...the graveyard bright with small flickering flames all over the place...shining on the white snow. So beautiful and peaceful.. .

Mom lit the candle .... and we stood there in silence watching the flame burn...I looked sideways at Sander..notecing he had tears in his eyes. So i took his hand in mine and held it.He said nothing...just lowered his head and bit his lip...It looked for a moment as he was about to cry...but then mom who didn't notice brake the silence by saying..-"Sander? Where are your mom and dad burried?"
I could feel his body sort of jerk..before he let go of my hand.
-"I don't know"...He grunted..
Then he turned around and begun walking back to towards the car..
Mom was about to follow him but I held her arm and explained what I had just seen..
-Oh no! She was sad...-"I ruined it all...stupid me"

We waited a little while before we followed him back to the car...he was not there..
My heart almost stopped! Fuck, where was he? It was nearly dark now and cold as hell to...and he realy should be back inside soon...then i saw a shadow beside a big oaktree a bit away from the car...I told mom to stay and walked over there...It was him..leaning his forehead against the tree crying...I didnt know what to do ...or what to say so I just went to him and wrapped my arms around him...holding his body against mine..his wet cheek against my neck.
He shivered a little and cried without a sound against my neck making me all wet from his tears.
I felt so helpless...and I had to bite my lips to stop my own tears...

I don't know for how long we stood there...I tried to say something but he lay a finger against my lips and said -"Please don't"...and I knew this was not the time or place to ask any questions.
So I just held him until his tears run dry....and then walked him to the card ...my arm wrapped around his shoulders...all the way home he sat whit his head against my shoulder....
And when we got home he went straight to bed...

So here I am...sad and comfused...what shall I do?
I wish he would talk to me...tell me what made him cry suddenly!
I hate to se him suffer...I want to help so much ...
if I can....

I realy don't know what to do now.....

Night..

Sander is asleep...I am wide awake...

My prostate hurts again..making me pee every half hour...I am a bit grumphy
I thought the amount of sex this past week would have made some good..
but no...
And in another day it will be monday again..blæææææææ

I don't wanna do it this week...
Realy i don't...

I hate my life.

Sander Lucia...

There is a big Halloweenparty at "Jekyl and Hyde" tonight...all our friends is gonna be there.

But I know Sanders not up to it yet...so I have not said anything.

And I wont go alone. Besides we have the house to ourselves...and that's a nice change.

We had a realy cold day here in Norway today close to 50f and thats very cold for beeing the last day of October. So I moved the mattress out of the bed in the guestroom and placed it in front of the livingroom fire..Then filled up with sheepsskins, blankets and pillows. And Sander and me snuggled up there watching tv and drinking cocoa. At some point I must have fallen asleep..for I wake up to find Sander gone and the tv shut of...only a bunch of candles lit on the table beside the light from the fireplace...Then I heard someone hum downstairs...verry silent but I recognized the Lucia song..wierd I thought...for the Lucia day isn't until december 13.

That's the day when we scandinavians celebrate the darkest time of the yearand the saint St.Lucia... by having big and small parades everywere with girls with candles in their hair and white dresses and boys with white pointy hats singing the Luciasong.

So today was a bit premature for Lucia...then suddenly I heared footsteps coming up the stairs and the humming got stronger...and there in the semidark room came a person that for a short moment made my heart stop...A wierd kind of Santa Lucia ...with a luciacrown of white candles(a fake one ) a white long bathrobe...white makeup...black eyes and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiih.... vampireteeth!!!

The creature comes closer to me...bears it's fangs and sort of jumps me...lol

It's the wierdest, coolest Lucia ever! Sander Lucia!! lol

"She" sits on my belly...fangs trying to bite my neck..."she" looks morbid with the candles in "her"hair and the white makeup..like some wierd deathmettal rocker...

I lift "her" bathroobe...to discover "She" has nothing underneath...so I grab "her" ass and pulls "her" closer...I open up "her" robe and licks "her" stomack...then I gently lick "her" balls until "She" shivers...

"Her"dick so hard by now it's standing straight up against "her" stomack.

I open my lips and let it slide the whole way in....until Lucia is short of breath and sort of whimpering..."she" moves backwards until she meet me...rubs against me ...feeling how wet I am already...then letting me slooowly glide inside....oh God!

"She" fix "her" eyes to mine...and starts to move...verry slowly up and down...

Making me moan with pleasure...making me grab "her" butt and try to speed "her" up...

"Her" robe falls open and slides down "her" shoulders..."her" eyes closed and "her" mouth half open.."She" is the most beautifull creature on eart ...even with fangs!! Lol

I begin tu thrust my hips up against "her"...

"Her" whole body is shaking now..and neither of us can wait anylonger...Lucia looses "her" crown and leans forward against my shoulder..I am getting wet all the way even on my chin...and I can feel how "her" body contracts time after time...making me cum...and cum...and cum...

Later on it is a rather sleepy looking Lucia laying in my arms ..".her" crown on my belly

I kiss "her" and tell her how much I love her...until she almost falls asleep in my arms

-"Hey, Lucia? I kiss "her"cheek.

-"Are you coming back at the Lucia day in december?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=De7Q2S-dHE8&feature=related

Meme.."adult questiones-don't be a pussy"

I stole this from Javas blog...feel free to staeal it anyone who wants to...

1. Is there anyone on your blogroll you would have sex with?
Hmm...yea! Sure ..if I was single!

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Yes,please!

3. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? more mondays than I like to remeber... but I am more experienced now...i always bring plastic bags..

4. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Nope..

5. Shower or bath while having sex?
Yes, Love it! Last time was the bathtub this morning lol

6. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Both..
7. Do you love someone on your blogroll?
In a friendly way...yes. In the serious loving way...only in my Sweedish blogg...Murmel:)

8. Love or Money?
Love rules.

9. Credit cards or cash?
It depends...

10. Have you ever wanted a best friend?
I have a best friend..

11. Camping or a 5 star hotel?
Both can be cool

12. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
In the water...at a beach with lots of people ...nobody noticed..hehe

13. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)?
Not my head...no..

14. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope, but i have whatced a strip ackt at a gay club once

15. Ever been to a bar?
Yes.

16. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
Yes...*blushing*

17. Ever been so drunk someone else had to carry you?
Yes...*doubble blushing*

18. Had sex in a movie theater?
Oh, yes!!!

19. Had sex in a bathroom?
Lol...sure.

20. Have you ever had sex at work?
I havent worked...but I have had sex at scool

21. Ever been to an adult store?
Yes.

22. Bought something from an adult store?
Yes.

23. Have you been caught having sex ?
Yes, by grandma before she knew we were gay..and by babysis...and Trine

24. Does anyone have naughty pics of you?
Yes...*blush again*

25. Ever had sex with someone and called them by the wrong name?
Yes...lol


....................................................................

Then i add some new questions...

26. How old werer you when U had sex for the first time?

27. Have you been caught masturbating?

28. How many sex partners have you had? Honestly!!

29. Have you ever had a wet dream in an uproper place?

30. What was your most embaressing sex related experience?


Good luck !!


oh, ok...by request on msn...i'll answer my own questions too...

26. I was 14 and she was 18

27.Yes, and i tend to forget that I most of the time has a turned on babycall on my bedside table...not so cool that anybody upstairs can hear you!

28.I had hoped I did not have to answer that one.... I think something like 30 ish..most of them girls.

29.yes...in hospital and next to trine in her bed...not cool!!

30. I think maybe when granny walked in on us that first time when i was 16..