I have spent another night in the hospital with Ravn.
He is more awake now, but he is in pain most of the time.
It seems they have a hard time easing it now.
The short periods the morph realy kicks in he falls in
to exhausted sleep.
The doctors says he will be better in a couple of days.
That the pain will subside a bit.
God! Do I hope so!
It's so fucking hard to watch him go through this.
He still has not spoken. He just squeeses my hand.
Holding on hard to it even when he sleeps.
I'am glad that I can be with him though. As he's been
there for me the past three years when I was
at rock bottom both physicly and mentaly.
I just wish I could take his place right now.
Take his pain.
I love him so much.
Sander on sunday morning.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Update saturday
He is awake !!
They started to wake him yesterday morning ,
and when Granny was with him in the afternoon
he opned his eyes for the first time
and sort of glared at her. Lol
When Trine and I came in the evening
he opened his eyes when he heard us coming,
and I think I detected a smile deep inside them.
He has'nt spoken yet and he is in a lot of pain,
but we expected that.
So Trine and me sat on his bed and held his hands
while he drifted in and out of sleep.
Sometimes opening his eyes to check if we still were there.
Trine went home, but I could not leave him.
So I stayed on thinking I could get a taxi later on.
When his pain at some point got to much for him
I climed in to bed with him.
Holding him in my arms while he cried.
A nurse came in and regulated the dosage on his morph drip.
And that made him sleep an hour or so.
She even tried to send me home, but I refused!
So I have spent the night in hospital holding and kissing my love.
I will try to get some sleep now.
It's early in the morning here in Norway.
Rein is with Ravn.
I will go back to the hospital this afternoon.
Love Sander.
They started to wake him yesterday morning ,
and when Granny was with him in the afternoon
he opned his eyes for the first time
and sort of glared at her. Lol
When Trine and I came in the evening
he opened his eyes when he heard us coming,
and I think I detected a smile deep inside them.
He has'nt spoken yet and he is in a lot of pain,
but we expected that.
So Trine and me sat on his bed and held his hands
while he drifted in and out of sleep.
Sometimes opening his eyes to check if we still were there.
Trine went home, but I could not leave him.
So I stayed on thinking I could get a taxi later on.
When his pain at some point got to much for him
I climed in to bed with him.
Holding him in my arms while he cried.
A nurse came in and regulated the dosage on his morph drip.
And that made him sleep an hour or so.
She even tried to send me home, but I refused!
So I have spent the night in hospital holding and kissing my love.
I will try to get some sleep now.
It's early in the morning here in Norway.
Rein is with Ravn.
I will go back to the hospital this afternoon.
Love Sander.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Update thursday
I've been with Ravn all night.
His temptature has dropped. He still has a fever, but it's not severe now.
And tomorrow if it stays the same they will close his wound, and start to wake him upp.
I just hope the pain wont be as bad as last time.
That was pure hell for him even with morph.
goodnight to u all
Sander.
His temptature has dropped. He still has a fever, but it's not severe now.
And tomorrow if it stays the same they will close his wound, and start to wake him upp.
I just hope the pain wont be as bad as last time.
That was pure hell for him even with morph.
goodnight to u all
Sander.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Update Tuesday
I'am sorry. I had to go to hospital for a couple of days too..
I had one of my attacks
Ravn is still in hospital. still in pretty bad shape allthough his fever
went down a tiny bit. They still keep him sedated, and still keep his wound open.
I sat with him for awhile today before I went home.
My beautifull warrior seems so small and pale among the sheets. I wish I could
lay there with him. Wish I could make him all better.
This spring and summer has been hard on him. I hope he has any guts left
to help him carry through this.
If you have a God, please pray.
Sander.
I had one of my attacks
Ravn is still in hospital. still in pretty bad shape allthough his fever
went down a tiny bit. They still keep him sedated, and still keep his wound open.
I sat with him for awhile today before I went home.
My beautifull warrior seems so small and pale among the sheets. I wish I could
lay there with him. Wish I could make him all better.
This spring and summer has been hard on him. I hope he has any guts left
to help him carry through this.
If you have a God, please pray.
Sander.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Update friday night
I couldnt do it!
I called and talked JanE into driving me to the hospital.
There was no change in Ravns condition. Thhe temprature
w ont come further down, and he needs he lp breathing.
It was horrible to leave him. But they say hes stable
and they will call me if anything happens.
So they sort of kicked me out.
Ravns dad is spending the night there though. In the
relatives room.
I have been orderd to bed. Right now I hurt to m much to
write anymore.--
sandr.
I called and talked JanE into driving me to the hospital.
There was no change in Ravns condition. Thhe temprature
w ont come further down, and he needs he lp breathing.
It was horrible to leave him. But they say hes stable
and they will call me if anything happens.
So they sort of kicked me out.
Ravns dad is spending the night there though. In the
relatives room.
I have been orderd to bed. Right now I hurt to m much to
write anymore.--
sandr.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Update, thursday night
Sander again.
I have just come home from the hospital.
They have sedated him so that he sleeps now.
And they once again chose to open him upp, and
try to clean out the inflamation the way they did
last time. They will keep the wound open and drained for a couple of days.
It's hard to se him like this all though it's not the first time.
They have covered his eyes and there are tubes and monitors everywhere,
but at least they let me sit with him for an hour with
his hand in mine.
His fever is still upp about 104, and they are not pleased.
Ravns granny and dad are coming with the morningplane,
and right now his stephdad is there.
My doc has forbidden me to go in tomorrow cause I'm not feeling to hot.
Besides I tend to get attacs if I get too tired.
So I will try and listen to him.
Maybe.
I'm gonna go and get some sleep now.
Love Sander
I have just come home from the hospital.
They have sedated him so that he sleeps now.
And they once again chose to open him upp, and
try to clean out the inflamation the way they did
last time. They will keep the wound open and drained for a couple of days.
It's hard to se him like this all though it's not the first time.
They have covered his eyes and there are tubes and monitors everywhere,
but at least they let me sit with him for an hour with
his hand in mine.
His fever is still upp about 104, and they are not pleased.
Ravns granny and dad are coming with the morningplane,
and right now his stephdad is there.
My doc has forbidden me to go in tomorrow cause I'm not feeling to hot.
Besides I tend to get attacs if I get too tired.
So I will try and listen to him.
Maybe.
I'm gonna go and get some sleep now.
Love Sander
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sanders update
Hi, I am Sander!
Ravn asked me to keep u uppdate. So I will try and do that.
He was taken to hospital this afternoon.
His fever was then so high that I could not get through to him,
and his doc found it best to admit him.
I want to be with him, but I am not allowed
because he is in the intensiv care unit.
They only let us see him for a short while.
They will now focus on getting down his teprature and to try and stop the inflamation.
I do not know if they will put him to sleep and open him upp
to clean out as they did last time.
I think they will decide tomorrow.
I'll keep u posted!
Love
Sander.
Ravn asked me to keep u uppdate. So I will try and do that.
He was taken to hospital this afternoon.
His fever was then so high that I could not get through to him,
and his doc found it best to admit him.
I want to be with him, but I am not allowed
because he is in the intensiv care unit.
They only let us see him for a short while.
They will now focus on getting down his teprature and to try and stop the inflamation.
I do not know if they will put him to sleep and open him upp
to clean out as they did last time.
I think they will decide tomorrow.
I'll keep u posted!
Love
Sander.
Hello birdie!
It's kind of wierd...
but when my temprature goes way upp...he always comes
He is a big and blueish bird...and he sits on topp of our closet..
He does'nt realy do anything..he just sitts..
Kind of like The Raven in Edgar Allan Poes poem...lol
Only he's not a Raven ...I'am
(ravn meaning raven in norwegian)
He's more some kind of a peacock...but without the tail.
Last night he came...and I knew then that my temp.
had gone upp over a 103...cause he never comes unless
it's more than 103 usually close to 104.
At the moment I dont see him...
but if he comes back during daytime I guess I'll have to go
to the hospital...and I realy hate that!!
The pain is worse than yesterday..
Both Sander and Espen got those worried looks...Espen been here
last night and again this moring.
He's gonna come again by lunchtime to give me a shot ..
" And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!"
Edgar Allan Poe.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Little big love...
A foggy and grey morning here in Norway...but uppstairs in the kitchen I can hear Milla and Sander...In a while i will go upp to them..but right now I need my painkiller to kick in before I can do anything. The pain is much the same as yesterday, maybe a little sharper...and last night I ran a teprature just under 102...
not a good sign.
I'm ignoring my temprature today...
wanting to be with Sander and Milla,
and knowing that Espen is gonna check upp on me later
Millas sweet laughter coming down from the kitchen
makes me smile...
I cant seem to remember now how life was before her..
How can you love someone so small that much?
Sander and I are so lucky to have her in our lives...
we can never have children of our own.
And Trine is realy generous letting us take part in Millas life the
way we do... us beeing her godparents and all.
I was even suposed to be there when she gave birth..
but at that time I lay unconcius in hospital...my usual luck :(
I had so wanted to do that...
A little less depp than yesterday...due to Milla...
I don't know how much I will be able to participate...I can't sit and walk much..
So I guess Sander will have to be the one doing all the work..while I will lay on the sofa
beeing with them just in case...even if he looks ok..
the attacks might come without a warning.
Have a good day...all of you!!
not a good sign.
I'm ignoring my temprature today...
wanting to be with Sander and Milla,
and knowing that Espen is gonna check upp on me later
Millas sweet laughter coming down from the kitchen
makes me smile...
I cant seem to remember now how life was before her..
How can you love someone so small that much?
Sander and I are so lucky to have her in our lives...
we can never have children of our own.
And Trine is realy generous letting us take part in Millas life the
way we do... us beeing her godparents and all.
I was even suposed to be there when she gave birth..
but at that time I lay unconcius in hospital...my usual luck :(
I had so wanted to do that...
A little less depp than yesterday...due to Milla...
I don't know how much I will be able to participate...I can't sit and walk much..
So I guess Sander will have to be the one doing all the work..while I will lay on the sofa
beeing with them just in case...even if he looks ok..
the attacks might come without a warning.
Have a good day...all of you!!
Monday blues
I'm not feeling good today...We both been to hospital for a check upp, Sander's ok again now...but I'm in pain... and the swelling is visible ...
They can't tell yet wether it's another inflamation or not ...
I'm fully aware that the next inflamation might kill me..
They have gotten more severe over the years...
and specially the last two times has been rough on me.
And on days like this..when I'm down in the dumps..I almost wish that it would happen..
I know that my family loves me....
but I also know that I'm a burden to them...
and I hate that...
Hell..
I shouldnt blogg when I'm in this mood...
I just want to lay down beside my lover and hold him...
never ever letting him go
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwQruV2PGG0
They can't tell yet wether it's another inflamation or not ...
I'm fully aware that the next inflamation might kill me..
They have gotten more severe over the years...
and specially the last two times has been rough on me.
And on days like this..when I'm down in the dumps..I almost wish that it would happen..
I know that my family loves me....
but I also know that I'm a burden to them...
and I hate that...
Hell..
I shouldnt blogg when I'm in this mood...
I just want to lay down beside my lover and hold him...
never ever letting him go
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwQruV2PGG0
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Sunday thoughts
Granny has taken Siri home to dad...I miss her already..
She can be annoying, ok...but she's realy the cutest kid...and I love her..
It's sunday before school starts here in Norway...I hate it..
It just reminds me how "no good" I am...having to quit school at 19
I wonder if I ever will be able to finish it...to make something of myself..
The past years I have'nt even had the strenght to take classes on line..
Besides I no longer know what will study..I wanted to be an archeologist..or maybe
even an architect like my dad. But now I don't know anymore......
Maybe I want to study psycology instead?
Well tomorrow's monday and I'm not having my usual prosedyre in hospital...it's nice,
but I am a little worried too...cause I'm starting to hurt a bit more again...and I feel kind of swollen...I hope I'm not looking at another inflam. ...
Sander seems ok...he's looking forward to be babysitting Milla..
She's gonna be with us tuesday ...while Trine goes back to nursingschool..
I'm gonna go and watch a movie with my love...see u all!!
She can be annoying, ok...but she's realy the cutest kid...and I love her..
It's sunday before school starts here in Norway...I hate it..
It just reminds me how "no good" I am...having to quit school at 19
I wonder if I ever will be able to finish it...to make something of myself..
The past years I have'nt even had the strenght to take classes on line..
Besides I no longer know what will study..I wanted to be an archeologist..or maybe
even an architect like my dad. But now I don't know anymore......
Maybe I want to study psycology instead?
Well tomorrow's monday and I'm not having my usual prosedyre in hospital...it's nice,
but I am a little worried too...cause I'm starting to hurt a bit more again...and I feel kind of swollen...I hope I'm not looking at another inflam. ...
Sander seems ok...he's looking forward to be babysitting Milla..
She's gonna be with us tuesday ...while Trine goes back to nursingschool..
I'm gonna go and watch a movie with my love...see u all!!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Dicks and willys.
The following conversation took place yesterday morning at 7 am..
Scene: Our bedroom...were Sander and me are fast asleep...as usual naked ..
Nosey baby sis: Ravn...RAVN!!! Hello? Wake upp!!!
Raaaavn!!!
Very sleepy Ravn: Huh?
Nosey baby sis: You promised that we should walk Ola this moring!! (sulks)
Very sleepy Ravn: (yawning and letting go of Sander wich I have been spooning)
What time is it?
Nosey baby sis: I dont know, but its sunny outside..it's morning (smiling hopefully )
Very sleepy Ravn: (yawning and stretching) is Granny upp?
Nosey babysis: Nooo,.. but.............
She suddenly shuts upp...stearing at something...I follow her eyes direction and....shitt! I'm laying on my back now and my dick is realy making a tent of my blanket..damn
I put opp my knee to sort of cover it..
Nosey babysis: What's that you got under youre blanket?
Shitt! What the fuck do I tell her!'
Sander stirs beside me..he turns towards me...hes eyes gleaming with laughter...tell her Ravn...he says smugish..
Very embaresed Ravn : It's nothing it's just my willy!
Nosey babysis: No it's not!! I've seen willies...Dads willy is sort of like a shrinked up sosage!
(at this point Sander can't hold in anymore and sort of explodes in laughter)
Well mine is not...I try not to laugh.
But how can you fit it in youre pants then ?
She looks worried.
Is'nt it verry unpractical?
Yes, I ansvers...be glad that youre a girl !
She thinks for awhile...then says..Is that why it hurt so much?
I cant think of an answer to this...then Sander comes to my rescue
No, Sander says...Ravns dick is that way now cause he got to pee..
She glares at him in disbelife..Realy??
Yes realy, I say..
Go uppstairs to granny now ...we're coming in a minute.
Later ...upp in the kitchen at the breakfasttable...
Nosey babysis: Granny? Do you know the diffrence between a willy and a dick?
Granny who for a moment almost chokes on her coffe...says politely...
No, I dont think I do...
Nosey babysis: Willys are small and wrinkled and good for nothing....dicks are big and pointy so that you can pee with them!
She then looks sad for a moment...
Poor dad, he's only got a nogood willy!!
Scene: Our bedroom...were Sander and me are fast asleep...as usual naked ..
Nosey baby sis: Ravn...RAVN!!! Hello? Wake upp!!!
Raaaavn!!!
Very sleepy Ravn: Huh?
Nosey baby sis: You promised that we should walk Ola this moring!! (sulks)
Very sleepy Ravn: (yawning and letting go of Sander wich I have been spooning)
What time is it?
Nosey baby sis: I dont know, but its sunny outside..it's morning (smiling hopefully )
Very sleepy Ravn: (yawning and stretching) is Granny upp?
Nosey babysis: Nooo,.. but.............
She suddenly shuts upp...stearing at something...I follow her eyes direction and....shitt! I'm laying on my back now and my dick is realy making a tent of my blanket..damn
I put opp my knee to sort of cover it..
Nosey babysis: What's that you got under youre blanket?
Shitt! What the fuck do I tell her!'
Sander stirs beside me..he turns towards me...hes eyes gleaming with laughter...tell her Ravn...he says smugish..
Very embaresed Ravn : It's nothing it's just my willy!
Nosey babysis: No it's not!! I've seen willies...Dads willy is sort of like a shrinked up sosage!
(at this point Sander can't hold in anymore and sort of explodes in laughter)
Well mine is not...I try not to laugh.
But how can you fit it in youre pants then ?
She looks worried.
Is'nt it verry unpractical?
Yes, I ansvers...be glad that youre a girl !
She thinks for awhile...then says..Is that why it hurt so much?
I cant think of an answer to this...then Sander comes to my rescue
No, Sander says...Ravns dick is that way now cause he got to pee..
She glares at him in disbelife..Realy??
Yes realy, I say..
Go uppstairs to granny now ...we're coming in a minute.
Later ...upp in the kitchen at the breakfasttable...
Nosey babysis: Granny? Do you know the diffrence between a willy and a dick?
Granny who for a moment almost chokes on her coffe...says politely...
No, I dont think I do...
Nosey babysis: Willys are small and wrinkled and good for nothing....dicks are big and pointy so that you can pee with them!
She then looks sad for a moment...
Poor dad, he's only got a nogood willy!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Milladay...
As usual I'm the first one awake...
Sander and me had a couple of good days...maybe the first ones this summer..at least
the first ones when we both feel ok..
We been outside most of the time...having friends over...Rein's been home..
and grandma has gone to Trondhjem to my dads to bring my little sister Siri back here to stay until sunday!
I cant wait to se her!! Shes the sweetes little person ever..
And she loves Sander aslmost as much as me...
Yesterday was our first day with Milla alone...Trine is going back to school next week...and Milla is going to be two days a week with Sander and me...and three days with Trines mom.
The greate thing is that Trines mom lives next door almost...so we can switch days and she can even stepp in if we're feeling to shitty to babysitt..
It went ok at first...Milla was pleased with sitting still and playing with her lego...that lasted for about 10 min.
Milla is a wild little brat though...lol. Shes 9 months old now...and sort of racing around on her hands and knees, making us run after her most of the time.
At one point she crawled inside and drank water from Olas bowl....lol
By mid day though all three of us was exausted...and we went to sleep downstairs..Milla on topp on me...Thats so nice having her sleeping there..shes so warm and smells so good..
only thing is she has a tendency of kicking me in the nutts...witch is not so great.
After Trine picked her upp in the afternoon...Sander and I took the liberty of having the house to ourselves...and made love in the uppstairs bathtub...outside it began raining...
Sander and me had a couple of good days...maybe the first ones this summer..at least
the first ones when we both feel ok..
We been outside most of the time...having friends over...Rein's been home..
and grandma has gone to Trondhjem to my dads to bring my little sister Siri back here to stay until sunday!
I cant wait to se her!! Shes the sweetes little person ever..
And she loves Sander aslmost as much as me...
Yesterday was our first day with Milla alone...Trine is going back to school next week...and Milla is going to be two days a week with Sander and me...and three days with Trines mom.
The greate thing is that Trines mom lives next door almost...so we can switch days and she can even stepp in if we're feeling to shitty to babysitt..
It went ok at first...Milla was pleased with sitting still and playing with her lego...that lasted for about 10 min.
Milla is a wild little brat though...lol. Shes 9 months old now...and sort of racing around on her hands and knees, making us run after her most of the time.
At one point she crawled inside and drank water from Olas bowl....lol
By mid day though all three of us was exausted...and we went to sleep downstairs..Milla on topp on me...Thats so nice having her sleeping there..shes so warm and smells so good..
only thing is she has a tendency of kicking me in the nutts...witch is not so great.
After Trine picked her upp in the afternoon...Sander and I took the liberty of having the house to ourselves...and made love in the uppstairs bathtub...outside it began raining...
Monday, August 11, 2008
While you are sleeping...
The sun Is about to come upp...it,s 5.15 in the morning and I cant sleep..
I have taken the laptopp over to the sofa so that I want wake my love...
But I have trouble consentrating on writing...It's hard to take my eyes of him
He's sleeping half on his stomack...golden skin against the bed linnens...long blonde hair
spread over his pillow...almost like the big painting Lilja made of him
so beautifull..
The hospital was ok yesterday...ultrasound showed that I healed upp nicely..spermsample was without blood..so was my urine..still hurt a bit cumming though..
I dont know if any of you has been taking a spermtest in hospital, but it's rather boring
It's not that easy cumming on comand in a gloomy room with a stack of oldish pornmagazines
that are suposed to help...but at least after Sander and I complained we got some gayporn too !
And sometimes with no one around he comes in there with me to help...hehe
Sander is ok he says...but I can see hes not telling the truth..hes eyes are a little to overcast..and he is a little to tired...I know him so well...I can read him like an open book
But I guess we both play that game...never wanting to tell the other how it realy is...putting on a brave face..
Well, my pain is bearable this bright morning...and inn a couple of hours I'm gonna go uppstairs to make breakfast for Sander and granny...maybe the morning will be warm enough to eat out on the sun deck! Maybee this will be the first good day in a long time...
I long to go out...to be able to go into town...be with friends...to sit on a sidewalkcafe and just watch the people go by...to go swimm on the nudy beach...make love under the stars..go up to the mountains...we are suposed to go in septeber as usual...and I cant wait!!
Please let us both be ok this year....
Photo by me: From Jotunheimen..the lake Tyin wiew to the mountains Falketind and Koldedalstind
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Bottom..
Just to cheer my self upp a bit I proudly present..
Rick Mayall and Adrian Edmondson
alias Bottom !!
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!! *drumroll*
Ok, so it's childish humor, I dont care...I love them just the same!!
I give u two clips from a live show they did in Southhampton...my favorite ...lol
Enjoy!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Waiting for the morning..
I went to the hospital with JanE yesterday to see Sander...
Sure they tried to stop me...I was suposed to take it eazy until tomorrow...but I wanted to be with him..to see how he realy was doing. So JanE offered to drive and that was nice for I am not verry good at walking about yet, it hurts too much.
Sander was avake and happy to see us...but I know him so well...I could se in his eyes that he still was dead tired and in pain.
I guess he worried too...this was'nt suposed to happen anymore now....He's been better for year almost after his last surgery..fuck.
We brought him a big strawberry shake and some newspapers...he loves strwaberryshake, but he drank almost nothing of it..
I had sort of stuffed myself with painkillers before we left...but they didnt do much good.
I made it ok...until we headed home...then the pain struck ..and JanE had to pull over on the highway where I puked my guts out...
I'm not realy sure how he got me home and to bed...but he somehow did and Espen came...beeing cross with me for going to the hospital.
But at least he gave me a much needed morphshott.
It made me sleep through last night...but now I'm hurting again..
I've taken two painkillers a couple of hours ago, but they didnt do much for me.
And its still early in the morning here in norway...so I don't wanna call and wake Espen yet.
At the moment I'm laying on my stomack ..sort of draping my self over my gigant pillow in our bed..with my lapptop in front of me...trying to breath slowly through my nose...trying to not puke..
Outside the rain is falling like it was already fall...and its so cold...last weeks 90 degrees is nothing more than fainth memory now.
The pain makes it hard to consentrate on writing..and I cant seem to find a good position on my gigant pillow...shifting about restlessly...hurting by every move...
Eevn after 6 years of this shitt...pain is something I never get used to..
I hope u all have a better morning than me...
Sure they tried to stop me...I was suposed to take it eazy until tomorrow...but I wanted to be with him..to see how he realy was doing. So JanE offered to drive and that was nice for I am not verry good at walking about yet, it hurts too much.
Sander was avake and happy to see us...but I know him so well...I could se in his eyes that he still was dead tired and in pain.
I guess he worried too...this was'nt suposed to happen anymore now....He's been better for year almost after his last surgery..fuck.
We brought him a big strawberry shake and some newspapers...he loves strwaberryshake, but he drank almost nothing of it..
I had sort of stuffed myself with painkillers before we left...but they didnt do much good.
I made it ok...until we headed home...then the pain struck ..and JanE had to pull over on the highway where I puked my guts out...
I'm not realy sure how he got me home and to bed...but he somehow did and Espen came...beeing cross with me for going to the hospital.
But at least he gave me a much needed morphshott.
It made me sleep through last night...but now I'm hurting again..
I've taken two painkillers a couple of hours ago, but they didnt do much for me.
And its still early in the morning here in norway...so I don't wanna call and wake Espen yet.
At the moment I'm laying on my stomack ..sort of draping my self over my gigant pillow in our bed..with my lapptop in front of me...trying to breath slowly through my nose...trying to not puke..
Outside the rain is falling like it was already fall...and its so cold...last weeks 90 degrees is nothing more than fainth memory now.
The pain makes it hard to consentrate on writing..and I cant seem to find a good position on my gigant pillow...shifting about restlessly...hurting by every move...
Eevn after 6 years of this shitt...pain is something I never get used to..
I hope u all have a better morning than me...
Friday, August 8, 2008
Alone...
I hate beeing alone in our bed...I normally love having a big bed, but when Sanders not here it feels too big...and sort of desserted..
Sometimes I take one of his used t-shirts and drape it over my pillow just so I can smell him...
kind of helps me sleep...
I spoke on the phone with the hospital earlier on and he has slept the whole day...thats good for him. But I'm so fucking bored...I have almost no pain now...and I long to be upp and about..I do realy hope that when I go in for a check on monday...they will let me move around a bit...I just cant wait to not having to drain!!(usually I do that every monday morning and feels like shitt for two days) But now I'm gonna have a great week!
Thinking back on the storry on how we met...
That night in hospital....
After the lights went of..and only the dim nightlight made it possible to see Sanders face...
I was in his arms in his bed...just resting there...holding each other, burrying my nose in his hair..mmmmmm it felt soo good, and soo right in a way....like I somehow had come home..
Neither of us was well...and we probebly shouldnt bee doing this...but we couldnt resist each other...I kissed his face and his neck...and I knew I was'nt gonna stopp there unless he was in to much pain of course!
He was'nt...
And we slowly, and sweetly explored each others bodys...wanting for the other to have the best ...
God !! I had never been so horny in my whole life!!
And just the feel of his mouth on my chest almost drowe me crazy...I could feel him hard against my thigh...and suddenly his hand was on my hardon..I let out a loud moan...and he lay his mouth over mine to hush me down...his fingers stroking me gently...and my hand found him under the blanket...and we liplocked as we stroke each other off for the verry first time..
It was wonderfull, and good, and felt so right ...and It hurt like hell cumming...
.But I didnt care...
I just wanted to hold him and forever capture that moment...I wanted to never ever open my eyes again..
But we soon realised we had made a total mess in his bed....lol
And we both hurt ...but tried to clean the bed with a towel so that nobody should find out
And then..for the first of many, many times at last we fell asleep in each others arms...and If someone saw...they didnt say anything or wake us...for I slept there all night long...stumbling of to my own bed in the first light of dawn...the next morning...
Sometimes I take one of his used t-shirts and drape it over my pillow just so I can smell him...
kind of helps me sleep...
I spoke on the phone with the hospital earlier on and he has slept the whole day...thats good for him. But I'm so fucking bored...I have almost no pain now...and I long to be upp and about..I do realy hope that when I go in for a check on monday...they will let me move around a bit...I just cant wait to not having to drain!!(usually I do that every monday morning and feels like shitt for two days) But now I'm gonna have a great week!
Thinking back on the storry on how we met...
That night in hospital....
After the lights went of..and only the dim nightlight made it possible to see Sanders face...
I was in his arms in his bed...just resting there...holding each other, burrying my nose in his hair..mmmmmm it felt soo good, and soo right in a way....like I somehow had come home..
Neither of us was well...and we probebly shouldnt bee doing this...but we couldnt resist each other...I kissed his face and his neck...and I knew I was'nt gonna stopp there unless he was in to much pain of course!
He was'nt...
And we slowly, and sweetly explored each others bodys...wanting for the other to have the best ...
God !! I had never been so horny in my whole life!!
And just the feel of his mouth on my chest almost drowe me crazy...I could feel him hard against my thigh...and suddenly his hand was on my hardon..I let out a loud moan...and he lay his mouth over mine to hush me down...his fingers stroking me gently...and my hand found him under the blanket...and we liplocked as we stroke each other off for the verry first time..
It was wonderfull, and good, and felt so right ...and It hurt like hell cumming...
.But I didnt care...
I just wanted to hold him and forever capture that moment...I wanted to never ever open my eyes again..
But we soon realised we had made a total mess in his bed....lol
And we both hurt ...but tried to clean the bed with a towel so that nobody should find out
And then..for the first of many, many times at last we fell asleep in each others arms...and If someone saw...they didnt say anything or wake us...for I slept there all night long...stumbling of to my own bed in the first light of dawn...the next morning...
The day after...
Grandma comes home in time for breakfast...they've gone through the usuall prosedure with Sander...That means among other things.. giving him a shott with lockal anastetics direcktly into his spermatic cords... (yes that hurt enough to kill a horse!!) It is the single thing that eases his pain...and make him sleep , often for the whole day afterwards..totally exhausted..
With a little luck he'll be coming home with me on monday...they usually keep him for a few days to run tests....and I bet they worry now...since his last surgery a year ago ..he's been so much better!!
And now....back to how it was before that it semes....fuck..
With a little luck he'll be coming home with me on monday...they usually keep him for a few days to run tests....and I bet they worry now...since his last surgery a year ago ..he's been so much better!!
And now....back to how it was before that it semes....fuck..
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Damn..
In the middel of the night...
I wake upp and Sander is not beside me...Ola is sitting beside our bed ...I guess he woke me.
The moment I get out of bed he runs out of the room and to the bathroom..
Sanders on the bathroomflor..face down and naked...hes been puking and then passed out on the floor...hell!!
-Ola, go get granny! I urges the dog on...
-Get granny!!
He runs out of the room and I can hear him on the stairs...thank God!
I kneels beside Sander on the floor...turns him on the side...to ensure he breathes freely..
He shivers then coughs and opens his eyes...I drag him upp abit so that he rests on me sort of.
Holding him in my arms while he almost whimper from pain,,,tears streaming down his face..
I kiss his forhead...try to kiss away the tears....
He pukes agian...I dont care...I'm used to this...I just hold him and tries to calm him...wishing for him to pass out again, to get rid of the pain... Wishing for grann to come.
Finaly she does..she phones the abulanse..she cleans upp the puke on the bathroomfloor.
Sander is shaking in my lap...I try to calm him, but I know its no use now...he wont calm down until the hospital gives him the shot that he needs. I'm trying not to cry..but it wont work...I hate to see him like this..Granny tucks a blanket around him...but it don't stopp the shivers.
He tries to say something...but instead he passes out again.
-Thats better...Gran says..together we gently places him on the floor on his side..and waits for the ambulanse. I want to go with him, but grann says i'm suposed to stay in bed..and that she'll go...she goes uppstairs to dress and to wake mom. I watch over my love...wishing I could take his pain...I deal much better with my own pain than with his.
And I worry too...this is the seckond attack in a little more than a week ...Its not suposed happen that often anymore...fuck...
I wake upp and Sander is not beside me...Ola is sitting beside our bed ...I guess he woke me.
The moment I get out of bed he runs out of the room and to the bathroom..
Sanders on the bathroomflor..face down and naked...hes been puking and then passed out on the floor...hell!!
-Ola, go get granny! I urges the dog on...
-Get granny!!
He runs out of the room and I can hear him on the stairs...thank God!
I kneels beside Sander on the floor...turns him on the side...to ensure he breathes freely..
He shivers then coughs and opens his eyes...I drag him upp abit so that he rests on me sort of.
Holding him in my arms while he almost whimper from pain,,,tears streaming down his face..
I kiss his forhead...try to kiss away the tears....
He pukes agian...I dont care...I'm used to this...I just hold him and tries to calm him...wishing for him to pass out again, to get rid of the pain... Wishing for grann to come.
Finaly she does..she phones the abulanse..she cleans upp the puke on the bathroomfloor.
Sander is shaking in my lap...I try to calm him, but I know its no use now...he wont calm down until the hospital gives him the shot that he needs. I'm trying not to cry..but it wont work...I hate to see him like this..Granny tucks a blanket around him...but it don't stopp the shivers.
He tries to say something...but instead he passes out again.
-Thats better...Gran says..together we gently places him on the floor on his side..and waits for the ambulanse. I want to go with him, but grann says i'm suposed to stay in bed..and that she'll go...she goes uppstairs to dress and to wake mom. I watch over my love...wishing I could take his pain...I deal much better with my own pain than with his.
And I worry too...this is the seckond attack in a little more than a week ...Its not suposed happen that often anymore...fuck...
To be continued II....
Well ...three days went by...neither of us had the nerve to say or do anything...
and I was getting rapidly better...shitt
If I didnt do anyting soon it was gonna be to late !!
Trine came vissiting...Sander was at the docktors ...so we had the room to ourselves..and I sort of told her evrything...she listened with an amused look in her eyes..
-Why are u enjoying this? I asked in a hurt way...
She laughed..
-Cause I never in my life would have taken you for a homo !! You banged half the school man! Isnt girls enough for you now?
I blushed....
-I'm not a homo!! I just like Sander!! and he is...he is...i dont know..hes the most wonderfull person in the whole word! Hes so cute, and sexy, and...
She raised her eyebrows....
-Calm down man! Or else youre gonna cum in youre pj's!
-Bitch !
I hit her with a rolled upp magasin...
-Yea!
She grinned...
-And real proud of it too...
She later promised not to tell anyone...and encouraged me to try to tell Sander how I felt.
Then I would at least know where he stood...
But when he came back he was in pain...and after his shot of painkiller he fell asleep..
I could not sleep....
I couldent even take my eyes of him...he lay flat on his back...golden hair spred over the pillow...his eyes closed and long eyelashes casting shadow on his cheeks....and his mouth....so soft and inviting and...before I even knew what came over me...I got out of bed...bendt down over him and lett my lips gently touch his...
He moaned softly...then an arm came upp around my neck...and hes thoung found it's way into meet mine....ååååååååååååh God!
We kissed each other softly, slowly...he tasted of mint and peachy ice tea..
.When at last he let my lips go we were both breathing hard...
He smiled..
-.Wow! I had almost given upp on you kissing me!!!
-So you didnt mind then?.
..My heart pounded wildly in my chest...
-Not the least ...he let his hand stroke through my hair ..
-.You know
...he smiled kind of shy...
-I think I'm in love with you...
I was completly speachless ....all I could do was drowning myself into those amazing eyes...
Then he pulled me towards him...and kissed me again..
to be continued...
and I was getting rapidly better...shitt
If I didnt do anyting soon it was gonna be to late !!
Trine came vissiting...Sander was at the docktors ...so we had the room to ourselves..and I sort of told her evrything...she listened with an amused look in her eyes..
-Why are u enjoying this? I asked in a hurt way...
She laughed..
-Cause I never in my life would have taken you for a homo !! You banged half the school man! Isnt girls enough for you now?
I blushed....
-I'm not a homo!! I just like Sander!! and he is...he is...i dont know..hes the most wonderfull person in the whole word! Hes so cute, and sexy, and...
She raised her eyebrows....
-Calm down man! Or else youre gonna cum in youre pj's!
-Bitch !
I hit her with a rolled upp magasin...
-Yea!
She grinned...
-And real proud of it too...
She later promised not to tell anyone...and encouraged me to try to tell Sander how I felt.
Then I would at least know where he stood...
But when he came back he was in pain...and after his shot of painkiller he fell asleep..
I could not sleep....
I couldent even take my eyes of him...he lay flat on his back...golden hair spred over the pillow...his eyes closed and long eyelashes casting shadow on his cheeks....and his mouth....so soft and inviting and...before I even knew what came over me...I got out of bed...bendt down over him and lett my lips gently touch his...
He moaned softly...then an arm came upp around my neck...and hes thoung found it's way into meet mine....ååååååååååååh God!
We kissed each other softly, slowly...he tasted of mint and peachy ice tea..
.When at last he let my lips go we were both breathing hard...
He smiled..
-.Wow! I had almost given upp on you kissing me!!!
-So you didnt mind then?.
..My heart pounded wildly in my chest...
-Not the least ...he let his hand stroke through my hair ..
-.You know
...he smiled kind of shy...
-I think I'm in love with you...
I was completly speachless ....all I could do was drowning myself into those amazing eyes...
Then he pulled me towards him...and kissed me again..
to be continued...
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
To be continued....
At first I did'nt remember where I was...maybe not even who I was....lol
Then I notised that the person smiling sweetly at me was actually in a bed next to mine...
Aha...hospital again!! Hey, said the boy...he had a darkish voice...sort of husky...
-I am Sander..
- Ravn ...I wispered...Hey..
He was so damn cute it sort of took my breath away...and at first I didnt even think of the fact
that he was the wrong sex...I just smiled happily...and I guess sort of feverish.. at him
I don't recal much from our verry first conversation...neither does he...we were both rather drugged out...lol. But I do remember I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomack...a feeling I had never felt with anybody else..
The next day I found out that he was a year older than me...and that he had been in and out of hospital for the last two years...due to a sort of birth dammage to the nerves that conected his private parts to his spine...he had been kicked real hard in the nuts some years ago and after that they had acted upp on him real bad...almost like me, for I had found out too that I had an inhereted birthdefect from my granddad...that caused me to have all this inflamations.. the klamydia had just trigged it on...
It was the first time either of us shared a room with someone young...for mostly the uro-ward is filled upp with grumphy old farts! And it was realy nice to have someone my age to talk to...someone who could understand how I felt! Someone beautifull too...
I dont know how long it took before I had to admitt to myself that I was falling in love...it was shocking!! I had never ever thought of another boy in that way...I mean ...of course I had done a little wanking and comparing sizes with my friends...but that was all... I had never touched another boy...and suddenly I could'nt wait to touch him...to kiss him....to åååhhhhh ..anything realy!!! But was he in to boys? Did he like me?? And what would everybody else say???
Damn!!
to be continued...
Then I notised that the person smiling sweetly at me was actually in a bed next to mine...
Aha...hospital again!! Hey, said the boy...he had a darkish voice...sort of husky...
-I am Sander..
- Ravn ...I wispered...Hey..
He was so damn cute it sort of took my breath away...and at first I didnt even think of the fact
that he was the wrong sex...I just smiled happily...and I guess sort of feverish.. at him
I don't recal much from our verry first conversation...neither does he...we were both rather drugged out...lol. But I do remember I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomack...a feeling I had never felt with anybody else..
The next day I found out that he was a year older than me...and that he had been in and out of hospital for the last two years...due to a sort of birth dammage to the nerves that conected his private parts to his spine...he had been kicked real hard in the nuts some years ago and after that they had acted upp on him real bad...almost like me, for I had found out too that I had an inhereted birthdefect from my granddad...that caused me to have all this inflamations.. the klamydia had just trigged it on...
It was the first time either of us shared a room with someone young...for mostly the uro-ward is filled upp with grumphy old farts! And it was realy nice to have someone my age to talk to...someone who could understand how I felt! Someone beautifull too...
I dont know how long it took before I had to admitt to myself that I was falling in love...it was shocking!! I had never ever thought of another boy in that way...I mean ...of course I had done a little wanking and comparing sizes with my friends...but that was all... I had never touched another boy...and suddenly I could'nt wait to touch him...to kiss him....to åååhhhhh ..anything realy!!! But was he in to boys? Did he like me?? And what would everybody else say???
Damn!!
to be continued...
Me and my friends and family...
I totally forgot to introduce myself yesterday...Other than beeing a 22year old gay-boy from norway...and other than beeing chronicly ill for almost 6 years now..
I had to quit school at 19 ..due to my illness...it was not cool and I hope to be able to continue study one day...
I have a big brother of 26 caled Rein who is a biker....a great mum and stephfather...and the worlds gratest granny!!
I have a rather distant dad....living a hundred miles away...not realy wanting to talk about the fact that Sander and I am boyfriends...sure we sleep in the same bed an so on while vissiting there...but he never mentions it...and I'm kind of hurt ...
I have a cute babysister whos 7 now...and who thinks its grate that sander and I am boyfriends...
I have two adoring stephsisters..... and a pretty and kind stephmum
I have Sander , my love and soulmate...Him and I have been together for almost 6 years...they've been filled with love and joy....but also seriuos illness for the both of us...and him going through several complicated surgeries...and spending time in psykiatrick ward. And me travelling back and forth to hospital every week for treatment....and from time to time spending time there due to the infections that never quite leaves my body...
So we live a verry diffrent life from our friends...but try to participate whenever we can..
We have some beautifull friends ...
Trine...my best friend.. who I knew since we were kidds...shes the mother of a babygirl now witch I adore ...called Milla..
.Simon, her boyfriend and Millas father...
Truls, Trines twin brother...who was quite homophobick at the start but no he is ok.
Jan E...a good friend living near...
Lasse , Sanders best friend and Arn his boyfriend who is also a chronic . They live in the northern part of norway and we dont get to se them much unless Arn has to go to hospital in Oslo.
And there is Lilja and Ang the lesbian artists who once where Sanders nextdoor neighbours and care takers...and then become close and dear friends to us..
And there is Espen...our truely fabulous doc...who we can count on morning, noon and night to come by and check on us..
Oh and we do have a dog! Ola, he is a labrador retriver and a compleete foodadickt...but he also is a verry vise dog and wakes me upp in the night if Sander has one of his painattacks..
We have our own big room and bathroom in the basement of my mums house..we realy cant live by ourself yet...and when life roughens upp a bit my granny comes to stay to look after us while the others work..
Thats all folks...no back to my storry :D
I had to quit school at 19 ..due to my illness...it was not cool and I hope to be able to continue study one day...
I have a big brother of 26 caled Rein who is a biker....a great mum and stephfather...and the worlds gratest granny!!
I have a rather distant dad....living a hundred miles away...not realy wanting to talk about the fact that Sander and I am boyfriends...sure we sleep in the same bed an so on while vissiting there...but he never mentions it...and I'm kind of hurt ...
I have a cute babysister whos 7 now...and who thinks its grate that sander and I am boyfriends...
I have two adoring stephsisters..... and a pretty and kind stephmum
I have Sander , my love and soulmate...Him and I have been together for almost 6 years...they've been filled with love and joy....but also seriuos illness for the both of us...and him going through several complicated surgeries...and spending time in psykiatrick ward. And me travelling back and forth to hospital every week for treatment....and from time to time spending time there due to the infections that never quite leaves my body...
So we live a verry diffrent life from our friends...but try to participate whenever we can..
We have some beautifull friends ...
Trine...my best friend.. who I knew since we were kidds...shes the mother of a babygirl now witch I adore ...called Milla..
.Simon, her boyfriend and Millas father...
Truls, Trines twin brother...who was quite homophobick at the start but no he is ok.
Jan E...a good friend living near...
Lasse , Sanders best friend and Arn his boyfriend who is also a chronic . They live in the northern part of norway and we dont get to se them much unless Arn has to go to hospital in Oslo.
And there is Lilja and Ang the lesbian artists who once where Sanders nextdoor neighbours and care takers...and then become close and dear friends to us..
And there is Espen...our truely fabulous doc...who we can count on morning, noon and night to come by and check on us..
Oh and we do have a dog! Ola, he is a labrador retriver and a compleete foodadickt...but he also is a verry vise dog and wakes me upp in the night if Sander has one of his painattacks..
We have our own big room and bathroom in the basement of my mums house..we realy cant live by ourself yet...and when life roughens upp a bit my granny comes to stay to look after us while the others work..
Thats all folks...no back to my storry :D
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
About us...
I realy dont know where to start...
I was a pretty normal boy upp to 16. Sort of wild , sort of "a ladies man" in norwegian we call that a "fitteprins" means cunt-prince in english hehe and meaning I was rather heavily into
sex with girls...one night stands preferably (ashamed)
Well at 16 i run my head into the wall ...in form of this two year older girl at a schooldance.
I had wanted to do her for a long time and finaly she gave in...hmm ...truthfully she was rather loose..but I still fancyed her.
To make a long storry short, I fucked her in our classroom on the teachers desk and got walked in on by miss Peterson our englisproffesor...and I nearly got kicked out of school. I probebly would have if it wasent for the girl beeing my senior.
So far all good...but some week later ...on my way to dad for a short autumnweek with hes family my stephsisters, stephmom and my babysis ...I started to hurt down there ..on the train...hurt and pee alot.
By the time I got there I was actually peeing blood..
And I didt dear to tell anyone...
Well short again...alone for two days with my stephsisters while the rest of the famliy went to granny... I got a high fever and the pain was realy bad now.....they called the docktor when they found me fainthed on the bathroomfloor and he said I had klamydia witch had spread to my nuts...ouch
I became realy sick and it took me a long, long time to heal from it...longer that it shuld have acording to my doc..
Then after something like two months the inflamation in my nuts came back.... I was hospitalised...
Two more moths and in I went again...sigh...
Then when I woke upp from the fever-lala land...I steared in to the most beautifull brown eyes I had ever seen.....they belonged to a fairhaired boy in the bed nex to mine......Sander..
to be continued....lol
I was a pretty normal boy upp to 16. Sort of wild , sort of "a ladies man" in norwegian we call that a "fitteprins" means cunt-prince in english hehe and meaning I was rather heavily into
sex with girls...one night stands preferably (ashamed)
Well at 16 i run my head into the wall ...in form of this two year older girl at a schooldance.
I had wanted to do her for a long time and finaly she gave in...hmm ...truthfully she was rather loose..but I still fancyed her.
To make a long storry short, I fucked her in our classroom on the teachers desk and got walked in on by miss Peterson our englisproffesor...and I nearly got kicked out of school. I probebly would have if it wasent for the girl beeing my senior.
So far all good...but some week later ...on my way to dad for a short autumnweek with hes family my stephsisters, stephmom and my babysis ...I started to hurt down there ..on the train...hurt and pee alot.
By the time I got there I was actually peeing blood..
And I didt dear to tell anyone...
Well short again...alone for two days with my stephsisters while the rest of the famliy went to granny... I got a high fever and the pain was realy bad now.....they called the docktor when they found me fainthed on the bathroomfloor and he said I had klamydia witch had spread to my nuts...ouch
I became realy sick and it took me a long, long time to heal from it...longer that it shuld have acording to my doc..
Then after something like two months the inflamation in my nuts came back.... I was hospitalised...
Two more moths and in I went again...sigh...
Then when I woke upp from the fever-lala land...I steared in to the most beautifull brown eyes I had ever seen.....they belonged to a fairhaired boy in the bed nex to mine......Sander..
to be continued....lol
Here I am!!!!!
Finaly i got my own blogg in English...bear in mind though that I'm Norwegian so
my language may not be all that..
I shall try to post here everyday.Bits and pices from mine and Sanders lives
Enjoy everyone :D
my language may not be all that..
I shall try to post here everyday.Bits and pices from mine and Sanders lives
Enjoy everyone :D
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