Memorys.

In the middle of the night I found myself  going here  to read .  Ravn felt so close to me tonight, I miss him so much it hurts. I've been Reading the whole blog  from the start to the end. I have cried a bit, but mostly I have smiled at Ravns way of seeing a light in the tunnel even at the darkest times. Reliving all the memorys writen  in here. Good and not so good. His voice shines through the pages, and in to my heart.

A cold summer has turned into fall here in Norway. Granny and me still live together. This year has been hard on my health, and for a moment I thought I was  going to bite the dust, but I did'nt, and I am glad. Life is short, and death is endless, I am to curious to die. I want to know what happens next ! 

I miss a lover, and I miss Ravn. I need someone in my life, but it is not easy
meeting someone when I am mostly in hospital.  I see Lasse and Peter from time to time. It is ok to have them to "play" with. But I long for a love of my own.

So I guess my only wish  to Santa this year is a lover. I promise I will be a good boy !


Sander.

As time goes by.

Maybe this will be the last time you will hear from me.

A New year is coming up, and I just wanted to tell you all that I am ok.
I still miss the love of my life, but I have learned to go on with my life without him.


As for now I am alone. Mio turned out to be nothing more than a fling. I was not ready to comitt, And he was way to Young. We split up in  August. Since then I have been in and out of hospital as usual, and I still live at Grannys.  And thats is ok for now.  We can help and Comfort each other, and she misses Ravn just as much as I do. He left a great big hole in this family when he died, and I don't think it will ever disapear.

Even so there is a new little Ravn in our lives this days. Trine gave birth to a sweet babyboy  in Oktober, and he got Ravns name.  He would have been so proud !  Or, maybe he knows. I sometimes think I can feel his precense. Like a mild breeze in the room or a soft kiss on my cheek in the middle of the night. It feels good to have him watch over us. And I have begun to belive that he is with darling Arn, his little babybrother and his grandpa  somewhere up there.

Christmas has been absolutely beautiful this year. Feels like living in the middle of a christmascard out here. I have been ok, and out of hospital since early november, and have enjoyed the holliday for the first time since Ravn died. I have so many memorys that live on, and they will never die.
Like my love for him will live on for as long as I shall live.

I wish you all a happy New year, if there still is someone stopping by Ravns blog. Let me know how you are doing. Love you all.

Sander.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkI-B2JWSZI

Mio.

I am totally confused, scared shitless, a bit ashamed, a bit puzzled, a bit guilyt , but at the same time

I feel alive for the first time in many years it seem.

You see. I have met somebody. His name is Mio, and he is 22 years old, or should I say young. He is WAY too young!! :(

I didn’t meet him just now. I have known him for a while. Heis babybrother came moving in with Ravns mom and stepdad last august .  Due to a troubled relation to his dad, and Mio has been with him a lot. And at first I did not notice him, or of course I did, but I did not care.

 He is real cute and handsome in a wild way. Maybe he reminds me a bit of Lasse in his younger years, but with the biggest, bluest eyes I have ever seen .He has dark brown hair, and he is wearing glasses.  Oh, man he is just beautiful, and I am ashamed.

 How can I even think of him this way.  Me, who would never ever love again when Ravn died ! And now, maybe I can.

 He makes my heart beat faster and my blood rush through my body. He is so young, so cheerful, so much alive. And he is in love with me. With ME of all people!! But can I do this to him? Drag him into my gloomy world. I am no picknick to be with. I am in pain most of the time and partly in a wheelchair. I will not be a great asset to him that's for sure. He deserves someone young, healty and happy,  but man, he makes me feel so verry much alive. I have a heart on the mend, and a body acing for him. I can't think of antything but him. And I fell I am betraying Ravn.

 I hate it, and I love it. Help!!

 Oh God! I don't know what to do.!!

Man…I am SO damned confused!

A New year

This chrismas  has been the worst ever. No snow. Just wind and rain.
Suits me. I have lost the christmas joy that Ravn helped me find with his love.
And I spent most of it in hospital anyway.

It is a new year, and I try to look forward. I wont say I am good at it, but I do my best.

I have decided were to live. I can't go and live in the flat. Even if Ravn and me did'nt get to live there it has to much of him in the walls. So I will put it on the market for rent until I know what to do, and I will stay at grannys for the time beeing. I realise I am not fit to live by myself yet... and even if Lasse and Peter wants me to live with them I have to get a life going of my own..
It also makes granny happy having me there. Losing Ravn has been so hard on her too, and her age has begin to take it's toll on her. She will need me there in the years to come, and I'll be glad to help out in anyway I can. Next to Ravn she is the person in my life I love the most.

  I have been exercising a lot and my back has grown stronger from it.
So I hope that maybe one of these days I will be rid of the weelchair for good. Some good news, ey?

Oh, Ravn...my sweet Ravn.
I think of him every day. And I still dream of him most nights. The scar in my heart still bleeds.
How can it ever heal? I can never love again like that. Not in a million years. He was the love of my life, and I would give anything just to see him, to bee with him once more, but I know that he is gone forever. My heart just want belive it yet.

Iver has moved out from the farm to start a life of his own now at the age of 20. And for the time beeing there are 4 boys living on the farm in need of special atention. I try to help out there too, but the pain still gets the best of me 4-5 days a week, and then I am good for nothing.

I miss msn, and I miss chatting with Dan and the rest of you. How are you all? Are you still out there in the big world?   Let me know.

Sander.

One year today

One year today since my love left this life.
 I miss him so much it is nearly unbearable.
I have burned a candel in front of his picture all day. I have not cried.
 I dont think I can.

November has been kind, mild and sunny, but I dont realy care.
I want my love, and he is gone forever.

S.

Trying to go on.

I am still alive out here in cold Norway. Life goes on in a joyless, painful way. I still can't belive Ravn is gone. He is still so close to me somehow
I swear I can feel him next to me. I have come to terms with him beeing dead though. He was in so much pain the last months of his life. It was good for him to be free of it. But oh, I miss him so much. His sweet face and warm body. His loving caring person. I will never ever forget him.

I am trying to go on by my self. It is hard, and I don't know what to do yet. For the time beeing I live with Grandma. The house we built with Trine and her family was completed some months ago, but I don't know if I can live there. Maybe I'd be better of somewhere compleatly diffrent. On my own. A brand new start or something. Ravns family wants me to stay with them, but I have'nt decided yet. They are not my familiy, even if they say so and I feel they are. I realy can't explain.

 My health situasjon is about the same. I am mostly in the weelchair. I am in pain most of the time, and I still have nurses taking care of me. I don't want to burden Gran with that.
I think somehow my pain (even if it sometimes made me uncounsius) helped me to cope in the begining. The pain of losing Ravn was so real it felt natural that my body was in hell as well as my soul.
I refused to take painkillers just to let it rage inside my body, and I think it did me good (everybody else tried to tell me otherwise)

Lasse and Peter has been marvelous to me. They lived with me for the first three months (after I got out of hospital), and they are coming out here on the farm almost every weekend to be with me. It is also a comfort to me to think that Ravn is with Arn in heaven. That he is not alone up there. That they have each other and are free of all pain. I try to belive there is a God up there with them. I want to see Ravn again when it is my time to go, but I have a hard time beliving in any higher power who rules this miserable earth. Sorry. :(

Sander

His soul is free.

He soul is free now.

We have been up to his place in the mountains
To let his ashes fly with the wind
To let him fly free over the mountains and the eternal snow
Over the stream in the mountainside he loved so much


He has become one with the nature
wich he once sprung from

The circle is closed

His soul is free.



My love, play with the winds and the rain
glow in the sunlight
be the brightest of the stars
sleep in the long, beautiful, cold winters
until someday...
in the age of the fairytales and campfires
my soul will find yours
again.

S.



" He reminds me of november
in the steel blue in his eyes.
It's his soul I will remember
wise and ancient as the skies.

He's a travler, he's a gypsy
passing through and moving on.
And I knew when he was with me
he is no singer....he's the song

He belongs to the rain
He belongs to the wind
He belongs to the storm blowin' in
He belongs to the stars
He belongs to the sea
He belongs to the deepest of all mysteries."

S.A


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Isq8zbjUb_o