I am still alive out here in cold Norway. Life goes on in a joyless, painful way. I still can't belive Ravn is gone. He is still so close to me somehow
I swear I can feel him next to me. I have come to terms with him beeing dead though. He was in so much pain the last months of his life. It was good for him to be free of it. But oh, I miss him so much. His sweet face and warm body. His loving caring person. I will never ever forget him.
I am trying to go on by my self. It is hard, and I don't know what to do yet. For the time beeing I live with Grandma. The house we built with Trine and her family was completed some months ago, but I don't know if I can live there. Maybe I'd be better of somewhere compleatly diffrent. On my own. A brand new start or something. Ravns family wants me to stay with them, but I have'nt decided yet. They are not my familiy, even if they say so and I feel they are. I realy can't explain.
My health situasjon is about the same. I am mostly in the weelchair. I am in pain most of the time, and I still have nurses taking care of me. I don't want to burden Gran with that.
I think somehow my pain (even if it sometimes made me uncounsius) helped me to cope in the begining. The pain of losing Ravn was so real it felt natural that my body was in hell as well as my soul.
I refused to take painkillers just to let it rage inside my body, and I think it did me good (everybody else tried to tell me otherwise)
Lasse and Peter has been marvelous to me. They lived with me for the first three months (after I got out of hospital), and they are coming out here on the farm almost every weekend to be with me. It is also a comfort to me to think that Ravn is with Arn in heaven. That he is not alone up there. That they have each other and are free of all pain. I try to belive there is a God up there with them. I want to see Ravn again when it is my time to go, but I have a hard time beliving in any higher power who rules this miserable earth. Sorry. :(
Sander
1 comment:
My dear Sander - it is good to hear from you and yes, some of Ravn's and your international friends are still out here, checking in every now and then to see if there is news from Norway.
I am heartened by the family and friends who have arranged themselves around you in such a loving and protective way. Perhaps the reason you feel Ravn so strongly around you is because he is - he has given you his family to continue what used to be his most important priority which is caring for and loving you. If you need a sign that he is near, just look into the faces of the people to whom he has entrusted his most precious Sander. He looks back at you through their eyes.
Continue to take care of yourself, my friend, but most importantly, continue to let your family (and they are your family now) and friends care for you, too.
With love,
Firethorne
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