Testing-testing..

They run theese damnd tests on him again..
Like they have done a million times before...what's the use?
They know they can't operate on him again..
and they know now that this is gonna be a lasting problem.
So i think they should leave him be.
Let him come home and just maybe the attacks wont come so often as they used to
maybe this was a one time only?

I am trying to be positiv...I own it to him to be.
We can still have a good life...and we have to make the most
of the days we have together...because no one realy knows
how many of them we got left ...

I know by now that I probebly wont make it through another inflamation..
Thats a sad fact..but it also seems the surgery they did to my prostate has
made me better. So I try to look at life with optimism.
(I said TRY...I don't always manage to do so)

I feel lonely in this empty house whitout Sander..
My life consists in vissiting him at hospital in the evenings.
Cysexing all night and sleeping all day...I am a pig!

Oink!

Fake..

He is awake when I come.
His face just as white as his pillow.
He is trying to smile at me...trying to be brave.
I am too..but all I realy want to do is to throw myself into
his bed and sob.

I dont want him to be brave. I want him to open up now...or
else I think he might end up in psyk. again..
He needs to scream and curse and cry...but as far as
I know he has not done any of those...
He fakes a smile and pretend nothing has happened.
And my heart bleeds for him...but I too put on this
stupid happyface..and hates myself for doing so..

This is so hard..I don't know what to do
and life feels so fragile right now..

Alone in the night...

Can't sleep.
I could'nt sleep last night,
and I do not know if i can now either..
I worry for him so much. Why the hell did this have to happen again?
He was suposed to be ok now!! And this was his last chance to get rid of the attacks.
They can't operate on him again now...
I wonder how he is gonna take this?

I sort of knew something would happen...he did'nt feel good the last week or so
and it might have been a sort of build up to the attack.

Fuck, did'nt think I had more tears left, but here they come again..

Screaming at God...

Everything went real well...
And then he had to get an attack..

This was not suposed to happen...he was suposed to be ok after his last surgery..
But he was not..and last night it did strike again.
It is so fucking unfair!! I have been screaming at God all morning..
No I am just sad and tired..
He wont listen..

He never cares..

Life goes on...

The days go by, and I am day by day working to get my strenght back.
The scary part is I have discovered there is a lot of gapes in my memory.
Trivial things that I have forgotten.
They say it comes from beeing held unconcious for so long,
but still.....It is kind of scary.

Sander and me has set up house in ma and Stephans old bedroom upstairs for the time beeing.
He is still in need of a cane for walking
and that way he only has to bother with one flight of stairs.
Upp to the livingroom.
But we realy do need to have an internettcable but in the beedroom.
As it is now we spend little time online cause the computer may only be used downstairs
or up in the livingroom.

Grandma and Iver is staying with us. I expect them to go back to the farm nex week.
Because Iver is starting school on the 18th.
Next week we start the whole proces of intervjuing nurses again.
So hopefully we will find one or two who will work here from the start of September.
And Trine will be our "on call" nightnurse.

It is going to be strange and wonderful to have this place all to ourselves.
And we have already discovered that the upstairs bedroom don't have a soundproof
ceeling like we are used to have downstairs. (Sorry Iver)
I still have to be a bit carefull with sex, but oh....it is hard not to indulge.
When I have the worlds most wonderful creature in my bed....

Love Ravn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrhII_AOK_M