Merry Christmas to all...

So there! I am finaly done with the christmaspresents!

I am pleased to say that this Christmas I have bought them all by myself.
It is a long time since that has happened. But this year i think we both will be ...if not well...then fairly ok...and out of hospital.
I just have to go in to drain tomorrow...and should be out Wendsdaynight if everything goes ok. Then Christmas can come.

I wont tell you what I have got for Sander...incase he sneaks here to read. He is like a baby concerning Christmas...so exited and bright eyed and full of joy
...
Half the Christmas joy for me is watching him.He was not used to celebrate Christmas as a kid...and had realy no good Christmasmemories when we met and he got to spend his first real christmas with my family. He was totaly overwhelmed by it all and after opening all his presents I found him sobbing face down on his bed...totally exhausted form emotions. There and then I made a promise to myself to make every Christmas special for him...and I have realy tried my best...
I know he is dying to find out what I am getting him, but...hey, love...if you reads this..It is all hidden at Trines! No use to search! :)
You wont get any until Christmaseve...

I guess I will say Merry Christmas to you all now...in case I don't see you before we go to the farm on Thursday.

May you all have wonderful Christmas...may the world keep peace...and my your God be with you...

Love Ravn.

I found this old cartoon on u-tube...so beautiful..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8stkqssLYc&feature=related

Way to early...

It is early in the morning...Sander is asleep, and I am alone in the house. The nurses does not come in until 8 am. It is 6 now.

Riding a sled/tobogan with an 3 year old in your lap is not very good idea with my condition...I hurt from it still..and I need something stronger than my usual painkillers to take the pain away...so I wait for the nurses to come.

I hold my breath these days. Hoping that this christmas we both will keep out of hospital. I am going in to drain on Monday, but I am going to be home by Wednsday eve. So I cross my fingers for Sander. He must not get an attack now....

Our relationship has come to a new level sort of....since he told me everything... he dares to be compleatly "naked" in our lovemaking...taking it to new levels...it is so wonderful...and we cant get enough of each other. My love for him is the single most important thing in my life...and it grows stronger...even after all this years.
I can see he is getting weaker, more fragile....and it scares the shit out of me.
He is my life...I want him to get better....not weaker..
I set my hope on the wheelchair....the new house...that must make a difrence...
It must help !!!

It takes some time writing this.... I can't sit down for very long at the time couse of the pain...fuck...in half an hour they will be here...and I hopefully get some relive...I am suposed to go chritmas-shopping today...but I guess I have to take a raincheck on that. Or send someone to do it for me later...
I am buing Milla her first iceskates for christmas...and Trine will get a pair too:)
I am not writing what I am getting for Sander...in case he peaks here!!
But the others will get music or dvds all around...

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Ah, sweet relive....the pain is finaly wearing of...and I will go back to bed to sleep for a while in my lovers arms...
Have a great day out there everyone...

Love Ravn.

I am so sorry...

I am sorry that I have been silent for so long...but I have not been in the mood for writing.

Our smal lives goes on without much happening...draining, hospital...nothing exiting.We are looking for a new place to live,
but have not found the perfect spot yet.
Sander is still waiting for his weels...and Christmas is coming up.

We are going to spend it out on the farm...but still we like to decorate our house as well.... and presents have to be bought and giftwrapped...so we have two pretty buissy weeks ahead. Desember so far has been freezing cold...but oh, so beautiful!
We realy do live in a live christmascard!

This Saturday we have spent at home....watching chritmasmovies on dvd and eating oranges and nuts.(and had a little tiny zip of the Christmasbrew) Sander has made two English Fruitcakes that are soaking in cognac until they shall be dressed in marzipan and eaten chrustmas-eve... They are realy deliciuos!

Tomorrow we are suposed to go toboganing with Milla....if the day is not to freezing that is.

I will give you this years biggest Christmas hit from Norway. Film music...Maria Mena sings "Home for christmas"....enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWnNt75kUz8

Moving...

We're both back home...but I am not feeling so good.

We spent the weekend out on the farm, and we realy had a good stay, but I hurt most of the time, and it wore me out. I was suposed to go in to drain on Monday, but wisely Espen decided that I should not. I am glad. Instead the pain intensified and I started passing out from it...not so nice. So I had to go to hospital after all.

I'm home now, still hurting but the pain is less fierce...

Sander and I are talking about moving. We have discussed it with Granny, and she thinks it is a good idea.
We might not sell this house, but rent it out...and that way subside buying another house or flat. We have not decided wich.

Sander seems relived about me knowing...and I have known for a long time about him having to use a wheelchair..and it doesnt change anything concerning my love for him.
It realy doesn't!!
And hopefully his pain will ease up when his back gets less strained too...
The hospital has sugested that he might start using a chair outside already...cause the pain he gets from walking is getting more and more severe..
I am glad...that way we can get around more...without him struggeling with walking and hurting.I can tell that he is too, even if he wont admitt it.

It is fun looking at houses...getting a glimpse into other peoples lives.
But we have not found the optimal place yet...but no sweat...we're in no hurry.
We will find the perfect home for us...I know we will:))

I am home and Sander's in hospital...

I am back home!

Well, the day before Sander had another attack..so we actually haven't seen each other at all. He is still in hospital and I am going back in tomorrow when he gets out due to a swollen nut...yuck..
Hopefully they drain it in some way and I can go home with him.

The inflamation gave in sooner this time...thank God! I am glad:))


Talking to Dan this weekend I realise that Sander and I have walked around with the same knowledge thinking that the other didn't know. I was afraid to talk about it cause I didn't know how he felt. Same with him. We can be so stupid sometimes.

The thing is... Sanders capability to move is not getting any better...if anything he is worse...and the hospital says he might need a wheelchair ....how soon nobody knows. Our house has three floors. Very unpractical for Sander already, and useless in a wheelchair. So I have began thinking of getting us someplace else.
A house or a flat where all the rooms are on the same floor. Somewhere nearby here.
This means to sell or to rent out my childhoodhome, but that realy is ok with me.
I can be happy anywhere with him, and it would be greate having all the rooms on the same floor and maybe a nice sundeck!

I am so looking forward to discuss this with him.
If we only could be together soon!

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Love Ravn.

Update 11-10...

It looks like he is fighting the inflamation of this time! They have kept him sedated in hospital and yesterday they begun to wake him.

I have not been able to be with him much, cause I've had som bleeding the last week and was ordered to stay in bed. Then after that I got a realy bad cold.
So here I am in bed at home missing him terrebly.

By the end of this week I will have him here with me I hope :)

Sander

Here we go again...

Ravn is once again in hospital.

It looks like the dreaded inflamation is back.
Nothing to do now but to wait.

I am scared.

Sander.

A letter...

We recived this today from our beloved friend, Dan...
And I wanted to share it with you...
thank you so much, Dan....
we love you!!

Sander.
............................................

Dear Guys.

As i told you long ago, the telling the first time is like scraping the scab off an old wound, it hurts! But the continued telling is like salve on the wound, it will not heal it, but it makes it less painful. The therapy and continued love from me, and ravn and others will do the healing.

Sander, please remember I will always be here for you and pray for you. Ravn is hugging you for me and himself. You have so many people who love you and deeply care for you all over the world. Give Gran an extra hug for me.

When i first met sander and heard part of his story I suspected this outcome. Mostly because he did not want to talk about it, it was a nightmare he did not want to relive, i can understand. Being on the other side of the world i could not do much about it. If i had lived closer i probably would have been injured just trying to pry the story out of him. I have a very persistant personality. You have no idea how many reports i made to police regarding that sort of behavior in homes, or the number of people i have put behind bars because they harmed children.

One day I'd like to let you, sander, have a childish moment. Something that you missed as a child. Just let you go and be a child for a short time. Let you go and not judge you as childish. To see you laugh, and giggle or have some sort of mischief that a child would do. Let you be innocent, something that you lost long ago.

I love you both greatly, Dan.

Babysteps....

I have been sort of empty, and with nothing to say.
But life goes on...

Sander is still quiet, but he does not shut me out as much as he used to.
He is tired and sad, and is in more pain than usual. No wonder, I think.
I keep doing what I have been doing all along. Hold him and give him all my love ans suport.
He has told sevral people now, and says it gets easyer for everytime he does it.
The hardest part was telling granny...It took him a whole day of tears and agony..
she took it hard, but she did not break down...she stood( as always)solid as a rock.
God bless her! I know she cried later...after we had gone home...but in front of Sander she did not...and that made the telling part easyer on him..

Trine knows too...and the nurses. Trine said she knew all along that it was something like this. And the nurses, thank God, acted like profesionels should.

Sander has a problem dealing with the tears sheded over his past...so for everyone he tells that doesnt brake down in tears he grows a little stronger.
I can sense that in him even if he does not say so.
And I am grateful. He will start therapy sometime next month if his pain eases a little. As it is now he is not able to benefit from it.

It is Monday, and I have a late apointment this morning for draining. So I guess it means beeing stuck in hospital again for three days.

Wish me luck, and talk to my love on MSN!!


Love Ravn.

The breakdown...

Right now we (or mostly he) are going through the hardest phase
ever in our years together.
It started with Sander shutting me of compleatly after he had told me "his secret".
He would not speak to me or let me tuch him.
I know him. So I understand that this is a way of dealing with emotions that get to strong for him. He is so afraid of losing it totaly! So afraid that if he'll let himself be weak he wont be able to pull his act together again.

He kept this up for almost a week. Then he broke down. I had been holding him in his sleep. Trying to comfort him that way since I was not allowed to tuch him when he was awake.
When he woke up in my arms he tried to pull free, but I held on to him.
And then the dam burst open so to speak. He started to shake and cry.
And he started to speak...spilling out all the shit that he has keept inside for so long...man...it has been so hard hearing it all.
My heart and soul bleeds for him, but I have somehow managed to be strong and not break down myself. I have held him, and comfortet him, I have kissed him and dried his tears, I have even wached him puke out of shere terror of memories from his past.

Dr. Espen has been here every day...and my stephdad...the only person who might have known some of this from his years working as Sanders guardian.
Espen has given him sedativ shots to make him sleep. So far none of us have sucseeded in making him eat.

And we are now just waiting for him to have an attack. It is bound to come now...

I am so tired and sad. I cry when he sleeps. And I spend the time he is awake holding him. I know this is the right thing to do. That this will be good for him in the long run....but hell...it is so damned hard.
I can deal with fysical pain. I am used to that....but psycik...man..thats a whole diffrent pain..and I hate to have to witness it tear my love apart.

We have agreed that he is not to be put in Psyck...and if/when the attack comes..we will get the urologist to come here to give him the shot. That way I can be with him all the time...and Stephan can take my place when I need a break.

Sander don't want Granny to be here...he don't want her to see this.
I agree...she would bee heartbroken to watch him suffer.

The nurses take care of all practical stuff...I am so glad we have them now.
I don't know how long he will be in this phase...I guess until an attack stops it.

Espen warns us that he might go into a depresion afterwards...
and even have more pain and attacks...we'll have to wait and see.

Thank you all for suport.
Here, or on mail...

I love you all.

Ravn.

..............................

The awaited attac came last evening.It hit him even harder than usuall, but we managed to keep him home after one of the urologists came out to see him and give him the shot he needs. He has been sleeping all through the night and is still asleep at this moment..

Ravn.

Now I know II...

I have survived another draining..
and they have kept me in hospital until yesterday.
I am ok now, just tired.

All my thoughts and all my concern this days are about Sander.
And how he has mannaged to keep his secret all this years.
He is so strong...maybe too strong.
And now he is suddenly more with drawn than ever.
I can see why, and I'm not fussing...but I am afraid.
I don't want him to suffer anymore...and I am scared he
will fall apart...I wont let that happen.

I promised I would tell you...so here it is...
in short, and with no details:

Sanders dad drank himselves into an early grave when Sander was 5 I think..a while after that his mom comited suicide. Sander was placed in the care of an elderly uncle. And this man abused, raped and mistreated him for years. He died suddenly when Sander was 10 or 11. He is not sure...and Sander was placed first in a childrens home then in vareous fosterhomes until the age of 14 or 15...when he moved into the grouphome where (my stephdad to be) worked.

I can't write this without crying...it hurts so much to know what he has been through. But I can't change his past...just make his present good.
I can just love him even more.
He needs to see someone about this, a psykologist or some other therapist that can help him dealing with his past....but I am trying not to push him right now. So far we have not told many people. It is up to him...

So now you know too...

Love Ravn

Now I know...

Now I know Sanders secret...

it is ok, he says it is ok to tell you.
But I can't write about it yet. It just makes me cry.

I just want you to know...I love him even more.
And I will never, ever stop doing so.
I can't go back in time and change the past...
but belive me...if I could I would have done so.

Love Ravn.

Sander in the morning II

Hey, I am home again.
Tired but ok apart from hurting a bit.

The reason I write is because Ravn was taken to hospital last night.
The morph shots that use to help him cope with the pain from the draing suddenly stopped working, and the pain became unbearable. Poor Ravn, he has suffered so much now.He does not need this on topp of every thing else.:(

I'll keep you posted.

Sander.

Selfpitty...

Yesterday it happened again...Sander had an attack.

I was out with one of our nurses doing some shopping in Oslo.
And Sander scared the shit of poor Kris
who was the one finding him unconcious
in the hall.
Lucky Iver knew what to do.
He stabelized Sander so he could breath freely
and comanded Kris to get Trine.
And Trine told me later that he was so calm and kind with Sander.
Taking care of him til the abulance got there.

So now I am on my own...
The boys has gone home...I did not want them around for tomorrow.
Sander is in hospital, and I am going there
tomorrow to drain...and I realy don't want too!!!
I have had such a good time now...and I don't want it to end yet :(
I try to think of the benfits of the good days to come after I am done hurting,
but it does'nt help. The pain is much to severe for me now.
Tearing my body to bits...wearing me out totaly.
I saw that Sander had written that it is harder on me...
and he is right...it realy is.

I think my pain is beginning to match his when he has an attack.....

Full of selfpitty...huh..

I am sorry...but I just cant bring myself to do better tonight..
I hope...wherever you are in the world...
that you never ever have to endure such pain...

Never ever...

Love Ravn

Hotel Ravn and Sander...

After some wonderful days with Lasse and Arn...it is time for new guests.
Iver and Kris arrived last night.

While Lasse and Arn spent the time with Sander and me...
going in to town and to the nudybeach.
These two lovebirds will probebly keep to them selves
down in our old basementroom.
Thats ok...
I remember what it was like beeing that young and that horny!


With Lasse and Arns departure...the rain is back.
It doesn't matter..my butt is brown,
and I think I still got some sand in my hair from wonderful
summerdays at the nudybeach.
I cant remember the last time the four of us had
such a great time.
Usually one or two of us is not well.
This time Sander was a little under the weather,
but not so he could'nt enjoy the company.

The nurses are back, Trine is back...
life is back to normal exept for the two horndogs
downstairs that are trying to make up for sevral weeks apart
when Kristan was with his parents on vacation. :)

It is almost noon and we haven't seen any of them yet!
So now this landlord/hotelmannager will take his "bellboy"
out to lunch at Jekyl and Hyde...
Then the two of them can sleep the day away.
I guess they had a buissy night!

Love Ravn.

Sander in the morning.

I had to go here and write. Just to do something other than watch my love suffer.
The draining yesterday was harder than usual on Ravn. I almost had to carry him out to the taxi afterwards, and he spent the ride home crying helplessly in my lap.

Ravn sugested that Lasse and Arn went to the farm to vissit Granny for two-three days. I understand him. It is ok to be alone when you feel realy bad.

So it is him and me now. Like it used to be. Nurses having the week of, and Trine on summervacation. We have her mom next door as a back up. And Dr.Espen a phonecall away. So we are not compleatly left alone.

I read his last blog. It made me sad. Even though it is true. I have withdrawn.
It is easier that way when I hurt. But I promise both to him and you good people out there that I will struggle to be more outgoing. And I will finaly open up compleatly to him. I just need some time, and I need to be more or less free of fysical pain.
Or else I wont manage.

I love him so much. He is my whole life. I won't let him down.

As the morning comes I watch him sleep. He looks so beautiful and peaceful now, but in an hour or so the pain will be almost unbearable. And Dr. Espen will be here to give him another morphine-shot.

It is so hard to deal with a pain that is not my own. I am quite good at that. But when Ravn hurts like this it makes me feel totally helpless.
Not practically. I can deal with him puking and passing out,
but seeing him suffer and cry is pure torture. It hurts my soul,and that is the same kind of pain that I get dealing with my past....the pain that I can't handle.

But somehow, someway I have to. I promise.

Sander.

Wonderfull....

We have had a wonderfull weekend...or at least some of us have..
Sander is still tired and needs to rest a lot.
But Lasse, Arn and I have been to Oslo, enjoying Aker Brygge and TGIF
We have been to Jekyl too...and today I think we all have a slight hangover.
I am so happy for Arn, it is not often that he get to enjoy himself.
So lets hope this lasts for the rest of their stay.

For me the fun is over tomorrow. I have to go in to drain again...
can't say I am looking forward to it..but hey, it is clearly what keeps me on the right side of the dirt...so I'll manage...

As for Sander...he is tired of course...but also back to the silence he uses when things get a bit to much for him.He pretends to be more ok than he realy is now...and it makes me sad. I hope it is just a brave face he puts up in front of our guests...not a step back to old ways.

So I say goodbye for now...hopefully I am ok by Wendsday night...take care
out there ...and as Dan would say: "Keep the rubberside down"

Love Ravn.

Sander is home!

Sander is home at last! :)
Lasse is still here and we are expecting Arn to fly down tomorrow.
Then maybe we can have some kind of a summerhollyday together.
We wont be able to travell, but if the weather improves we can have a good time right here in our garden with most of the neighbours away.

Sander is happy to have Lasse here, he is our mutual lifesaver it seems.
But for diffrent reasons right now...

Well, todays weatherforecast says rain, and a lot of it too...
So we will just stay inside and watch some more "Pacific" on dvd..
Order in pizzas and have a lazy day.

Sander is still tired, so I guess it suits him just fine.
We have given the nurses two weeks of too, with Lasse here and Arn coming, we will manage on our own.That will feel like a sort of vacation too...


Here is Norwegian singer/songwriter Sussanne Sundfør for you...she is the best!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgAMh7s-q_k

A good week...

It is so nice to have Lasse here...we both needed it badly.
And Sander is happy too...and feeling better day by day now it seems.
Hopefully he will come home at the end of this week...and Arn will come here too to join us and make it a houseparty:D

We have done little else than visit Sander in hospital and fuck(pardon my french) this week. So I should be well drained even before my drainig today.
Poor Lasse will have boring days until I recover from the draining...but I think he might need some rest too...hehe..

So goodbye for now...I am going to hospital..

Love Ravn..

Tomorrow...

Yesterday I had a long talk on the phone with Lasse..spilling my guts and even some tears I think. The result of that is that he is coming to stay for awhile.
With Arn beeing in a moody state due to pain and medication, Lasse needs to get away for awhile. Besides I guess he is just as horny as me...*blush*

God! I need him real bad!!

Chip and Dale...

Sander is still in hospital...So apart from my draining on Monday, this week has been somewhat like last week.

Oh, I forgot. I have visitors staying in our old basementroom...Chip and Dale...or Iver and boyfriend Kris.I was not very good company the first few days, but I dont think they noticed...beeing engaged in each other most of the time.
It went to the point were Kris needed a break from the lovemaking...and they needed a bit guiding in the art of gay-intercourse...haha
Then Iver got an urinary trackt infection so that pretty much ended it.

They have gone back home with granny this afternoon and the house feels empty without them. Yet I am so tired that I hardly notice whats going on around me.
Sander says he feels a tiny bit better...so I realy hope it wont be long now before he can come home.

As for the two lovebirds...I think they will be back later in July, when Sander is home again.

Take care all u good people out there...I hope u have a nice summer!

Rain down on me....

I am sorry to have missed u all on msn..

Sander is still in hospital and I have been with him most of the time trying to comfort him.
The draining was a real,huge mistake on him...I have never,ever seen him hurt like this..it is like one great, big permanent attack! Fuck...
He is so worn out from the pain now that he is totally careless to what happens to him...and I am scared. He needs to get his fighting spirit back.He can't give up!!

I have energy for little else than him ...the summer goes by outside the hospital windows...but I have no strenght left to enjoy it ...when I get home I fall asleep on the bed and stays there until next morning. I shower, I try to eat healthy and take care of myself...but I am all focused on him. He is the only thing that matters now...

It is a rainy day here in Oslo...and the hospital just called and told me they have decided to put him in a light sleep so that he can get a break from the pain.
I am grateful for that. He needs rest badly. I guess that means I wont go in this morning...or maybe I'll go later..

Here is Thomas Dybdahl for u....enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxvczSv7Shw

Love Ravn.

St. Hans....midsummereve...

I am slowly coming back to life after this weeks draining.

And this time we both went in to do it. They wanted to try it to Sander as well
I guess they have run out of ideas on how to ease his chronic pain. So some bright head came up with the idea of draining. Not a good idea!!!
As he is much more sensitive than me...the result was hellish pain and hospital.
I knew that would happen...funny they did not.

I have spoken to him on the phone this morning and he is still so drugged out he can hardly speak, my poor love. I don't know how long they are going to keep him in there. I miss him:(

Yesterday was St. Hans (midsummereve) here...with bonfires by the lake and fjord..and partys everywhere. I have been in no shape to attend, but wached tv from the livingroom sofa. And ate a tiny bit of Rømmegrøt and spekemat...the tradisjonell midsummer food that Trine brought over for me. Rømmegrøt is a kind of porridge cooked with fat sour creem and served with sugar,melted fat and cinnemon. And with that we eat dried salted meat from either pig or sheep or both. :)
A good hearty meal...haha


Love Ravn.

Rainy Friday...

It is a rainy Friday here in Oslo...
I am begining to recover from Mondays draining.
It still takes three days to get back to normal.
Hard on me, but I pull throug.

I wish I had something interesting to write about,
but nothing happens in our lives these days.

It is a big rock-festival going on in Oslo
caled "Norwegian Wood" lol

And It would have been fun to se Mark Knofler..but non of us is
well enough to attend. I'll have to do with my Spotify playlist and "Songs for rainydays" today...right now it is Guns'n roses September Rain playing on my I-pig:)
Oh, and Firethorne..it is not an apple product but poor "asian bullshitt"...a cute pig with speaker-eyes and volumcontroll-eares...lol

Friday also means cleaningday...so I will try to at least vacum upstairs..not fear that the nurses shal have to do all the housework too...

Sander is hurting and wont be able to help much today...but Trine and Milla will come by this afternoon, and Milla loves her "Uncle Tandl" reading to her while she cudle up next to him in bed.She realy is the cutest!

As for Iver he is still alive out on the farm...so no revenge so far on his private parts. We have invited Iver and Kris to spend some time with us during summervacation.
Then they can have our old room in the basement and have all the sex they want for a change.:))

So iam going to give u whats playing on my piggie right now...
enjoy!!

Love Ravn.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRKqfrct070

Yes, I am back!

Hi!

I am back! I have been for almost two weeks,
but I have mostly been sleeping.
I am so boring!

I started my first day at home with finding Sander
unconciuos form an attack.
No fun at all.

But now we are both home and together...
he is not doing so good though...
he is pain most of the time and his meds makes him so tired.
So we are like a boring old couple.
Sleeping and eating.

Last week we spent some days out on the farm in Grannys house...
celebrating a delayed birthdayparty for me,
and watching Iver get in a fight
with one of the boys living with mum and Stephan.
The dude called Ivers boyfriend a stinking faggot.
So he got it coming.
Not a smart thing with streetsmart Iver around.
He got kicked in the nuts for reply.
So now we cross our fingers that he wont get back at Iver.

I am tired and I hurt still, but I do feel better than last time.
And I pulled through faster this time around.
Even if they say I was closer to biting the dust.

This morning I have to go in to drain,
can't say I am looking forward to it...but it is
the single thing that keeps me alive I think.

Oh, I got an I-pig for my brithday!
The one u can plug your I-pod or mp3 into.
I am realy in love with it!
The sound is great! And it is kind of cute too...

Wish me luck...

Love Ravn.

Update Saturday 22. May...

I think he is going to get out of hospital Tuesday!!! :D

He is much better now..a bit of memoryloss still from the drugs that made him sleep, but else he is fine, and this time around he has less pain than last time.
He is looking all fragile again, but just wait til he gets home! I am gonna put some meat on his bones!

I did not go to see him yesterday.
My painlevel has increased again and I was not able to get out of bed. It has come to the point now where the hospital is talking about operating in a form of "Pain-pump" in my spine to help deal with the chronic pain I am living with, but they hesetate due to my damaged nerves. Unsure if it will function the way it is meant to. I am tired of living this way, but also used to it somehow.

But when I get this periodes where the pain gets almost unbearable it is hard to find pleasure in anything. I dont live. I just exist.

I am thankfull for the nurses beeing here every day. Oh, I do love having Granny here. But I still tend to pull my act together with her. With the nurses I have deared to open up compleatly now.To let them see how I trealy feel. To the point where I even can cry infront of them.
It is painfull to do so, but I can feel it does something to me that is good too.
Softens me inside? Can't realy describe it.

Ravns back to his usuall horny self. :)
Even in hospital! Even in the state he is in now.
He never stops to amaze me lol.

Update saturday 15th May..

Scene: Hospital.
In bed: Confused Ravn coming back to me from "la-la land"

He has been opening his eyes from time to time all afternoon,
but not seen me there ...


Ravn: looking confused around the room..

Me: "Hey, love. I am here. (takes his hand )

Ravn: Looking even more confused and pulling his hand away "who are you"?

Me: Stroking his hair "Sander, your love, remember..

Ravn: Stairing at me completly blank...eyes wide and surprized.
"But you are a man"!!

Me: Laughing..."Yes, I am"...

Ravn: I am gay??? Even more surprised!

Me: I guess you are. (trying not to laugh)

Ravn: Eyes all over me....."Coool....You are hot!
Wanna F*** ??

Then before I can ansver his eyes rolls back and he is in
"la-la land" once more!! :D LOL!

Then I knew I had gotten my Ravn back...Totally confused and back from the
grip of dead...but already horny!!!

................................

He slept for most of his birthday. And did not speak again for the remains of the day. So we will celebrate his day when he is better.

Update Friday 14 May.

Yesterday evening things took a turn for the worse, and for a while it looked like Ravn was gonna give up, but somehow from somewhere early this morning he got the strenght he needed to pull through. And they say he will live!!!:))

I have been afraid of loosing him before, but never this close to realy doing so.

I think it has done something to me. Woke me up sort of. It is hard to explain. The overwhelming fair of not having him in my life anymore made me se that I have to open up to him and let him completely in to my heart and soul before it is to late.

I want him to be a part of me. The way he has let me be. To let him understand why I am the person I am. It is going to be dificult, but I will do it!

So ok, I can just as well start here, admitting that I hurt like hell this morning. I lay here in bed with the laptopp, with a gigant pillow under my stomack to try and ease the pain a bit, but it does'nt work.I have taken some painkillers that does next to nothing with the pain exploding from my balls to my spine. And right now I cant keep the tears away either.

I have been close to hell for some weeks but it is so hard for me to talk about, hard to show signs of weakness.
It is hard to even write about it, but I lay here almost weeping while I write, both from pain and gratitude cause my love will live!

It is not that I think it is wrong doing so. Just that I can't bring myself to open up and admit how I realy feel. Probebly due to my upbringing. I realise that I will have to open up on that too, even if it might "destroy me" doing so.

I love him so much. I just can't go on without him. So I need this to be honest and true and real. I need him to know the real me. To see what he got when he fell in love with me. It scares the shit out of me, but I have to do it.

Thank you all for your prayers. I don't know what force made him able to pull through, but I know he could not have done it on his own this time. So to whoever/whatever that was who helped him this morning....thank you so much! You did not just save one life...
You saved two!

I have just been on the phone with the hospital, and his fever has gone down even more !! Tomorrow they will start to bring him back from the deep sleep he has been in.
I will try and get some sleep.I probebly will have to get morph before I can do that, but I need to sleep now. I am totally worn out.

And once again
Thank you so much!

Sander.

Update 9th May...

Thank you Firethorne...even if I don't belive there is a God
Ravn does....

There is no change...but at least he is stabile...his birthday
is coming up Saturday. What a great gift it would be if he got better!

Sander.

Update May 5th

I don't know what to write.

They have kept him sedated and at sleep for almost a week.
It does'nt seem to help.
The fever is still high and he does not respond to the treatment.
Granny and me, Ravns mom and Stephdad
takes turns beeing with him.
Thinking that even if he is in deep sleep he might sense us beeing there.
Thats all I have for now.

Sander.

Update 28-4

Hey, Fire and the rest of you.
This is Sander, but I guess you already knew that.

When I got out of hospital, Ravn got in.
He has developed a high fever by now,
and it is clearly a new inflamation
going on in his body.
I am scared, and I can't be with him
because of my own condition.
That realy sucks.

Granny has moved in with me.
This way she can spend most of her time in hospital with Ravn.
I am so grateful. She is the best.
As I wrote, we are scared, but not without hope.
Ravn is stronger now than he was last year. His body should
be able to cope with this in a better way than last time.

They have not managed to get his fever down yet,
but they keep trying.
And they might do the same thing they did last time.
Keep him in an artificial sleep.
So they might open up and drain properly.
That will be decided on today.

I will keep you posted,
and I hope I soon'll be alowed to bee there with him.

Sander.

Fuck..

I have not slept much.
And I have a fever now...fuck.

So I guess this is the last you will see of me in a while
or forever...

I am scared

One good...one bad..

One good and one bad thing...the good first.
Ok...it is like this...

Sander is a bit better and will probebly be home tomorrow..yey!!!!

And then to the bad...

I am in pain...realy bad pain..and I have trouble peeing.
The nurses would not let me go in to se Sander tonight.
Instead I am laying here feeling miserable.
I am so afraid of a new inflamation...I realy am.
I have no fever so far...but my balls feel swollen
and I got that good old "tennisball up the ass-feeling"
Not a very good sign...

Tomorrow I am suposed to drain... so we'll se how that goes.
Maybe me and Sander will just swap places!

Wish me luck!!!!

Damned!!

Damned!

I came home from a trip downtown and Sander has been passing out from pain twice while I am gone. Shit! He is realy hurting now and the painkillers who normally can get an elefant to sleep does'nt do the trick anymore.

Right now we waits for his Doc to come decide if Sander needs to go to hospital.
I say he does:(
He is laying on the bed next to me pretending to be asleep...but he is not.
I can tell by the uneven breathing. He is probebly trying hard not to cry.
I wish he would ...I wish he would let me hold him and comfort him and kiss away his tears...but he wont..
I wonder what ghosts from his childhood has made him this way....who made him think that pain is for sissys and tears are not leagal. His parents?
I wish he would tell me somthing about his childhood...but he keeps it all inside.

Can pain be psycik? Can the traumas he must have endured make him hurt now as an adult? I realy would like to know...Maybe if he would just talk about it, it would be less painfull for him? What do u think? I so much want for him to be out of this prison his childhood keeps him locked in..but I don't know how..not even a year in psyck...knew how....

I hear the Docs car pulling up outside now...hopefully he will call an ambulanse and get my love to hospital where he can get some proper painreleaf..

.....................................

Now it is almost midnight,and Sander is in hospital.The Doc decided right away that he needed to be there...he didnt protest or anything, so I guess he deep down wantede to go there...my poor love...

Sunny Monday...

It is a brand new week...without draining!! :))

I am so gratefull for this short brakes from pain...I think I might not be here still if it was'nt for them. I have realy gotten some of my life back..at least every other week now. And I try to go to the gym, be with friends and get my ass out of the house.

Sadly me and Sander seldom have a painfree week at the same time.
He has been in a great deal of pain for weeks now...my poor lover.
And I just hope this week he will be feeling a bit better...cause the weather is greate...and the cloud of vulcanoashes from Iceland has departed for the time beeing...so we can enjoy the outdoors-life today.
At least he can move out to the hamock and get some fresh air. He has camped out there for sevral days last week...and my beautiful, blond, browneyed viking is getting a nice tan.
He looks realy healthy...only the shiny eyes give him away.

Yesterday we had friends over for a small barbecue...Simon and Trine, Jan.E, among others. It was realy nice and I think Sander had a realy good time too...even if he fell asleep before he could eat anything.

Today I will go to the gym. I will go downtown and see if I can find some new jeans for the both of us...and buy some grocerys. And I might just go and take my little "Shampooboy" out to lunch...he is still the cutes thing...haha
I'm becoming a dirty old man!!!



A Norwegian band for u...Donkey Boy !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZPrLClJUhE

Sander spamming!

This is Sander spamming Ravns blogg out of pure boredome!
Don't be afraid he is not in hospital, but he had a draining this morning
and is feeling shitty from it. Actually he is a sleep at the moment.
But we expect he will wake up soon in pain. Needing more morph.
Trine sleeps here these nights so that she can manage his morph dosage.
And it feels safe for us both to have her here.

We had some nice easterdays out on the farm. But none of us has been in great shape so there has been many days now just waching tv from the bed or the livingroom-sofa.

Spring has come to Norway and we have had some realy warm days and almost all the snow has melted! That feels great!

I am sure Ravn wants me to throw hugs and kisses at you all. So consider yourselves kissed and hugged!! :D

See u!
Sander.

Hi..

I have survived this weeks drainig...I have been to hell and back.
But I am alive...just have to get some much needed rest.

Love ravn

Only 16...

I am so ashamed!!!
I think I will hide under my bed until spring is over!!!

I have been to se Sander in hospital..
(yes I gave him ur love both Dan and Butterfly)
And he sends his love back to u all.He is feeling a bit better and might come home tomorrow if the Docs ok it. Yey!!:D
But that is not what I am ashamed of...

I went to get a haircut after I had been to se Sander...a much needed one!
My hair was almost as long as Sanders!!!

My hairdresser is a realy sweet girl...and it was nice to see her again..
BUT...They have gotten a new shampooboy...
jeeeeeeeez, he was about 16-17 I guess...
and maybe the cutest/ handsomest thing I have ever seen!! Wow!
And to have that gorgeous thing so close to me.... I could smell him....his hands caressing my hair...my God!
I got so hard I almost came in my pants!!
Just like a fucking 16 year old!! Now that's embaressing!!! Thank God for those big "bib sort of aprones" they put around you! Even then I felt that his "not so inocent" big blue eyes saw right into my dirty little mind...and liked what they saw in there...God!

I could have had him...I know I could!
So sander, please do come home!!!! Before I do something realy stupid!!!

Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Sorry...

Thelma and Louise....

Thank you so much for answering! I was pleased to see i still have some friends out there. And I know Butterfly and Dan reads my blogg too.
Besides I talk to Dan every day on msn and Butterfly too... from time to time..
So speak up anyone who wants to chat on msn...I am usually bored and happy to do so!

As you might have guessed Sander is in hospital again.He went in on Friday and they realy can't do much but to ease his pain. I have spent the weekend by his bed whatching him sleep. Today I feel tired and depressed. I miss Sander and miss the company we had. The day is grim and grey and boring...I was planning to go to the gym..but I am to tired.I have spent most of the day in bed with my laptopp.
Flirting with some Sweedish guy that is realy hot looking! Followed by attacks of shame at how horny he makes me...followed by him jacking on cam...wow!
It is feeling like spring alright!! :)
I feel restless and edgy and horny...and I want something to happen! But I dont know what...Granny is coming later on to take me to see Sander. I hope he will stay awake at least so he will notice that we're there.

And maybe later on we will ride of into the sunset like Thelma and Louise...
Out into the unknown!!!
Hmm...
I guess she'll just drive me stright home...so much for adventure...:(

Love Ravn.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylQdpv8Ua1M&feature=related

Is there anybody out there?

Is anybody reading my blog?
Or do I bore u to death.
I have the impression it is only "Fire" who reads it...
A lot of bloggers I have known has stopped blogging.
I miss the old ones...

So...is there anybody out there?

Again...

Our guests has gone home...and we are alone again.
If one ever can feel alone with nurses around the house all the time...

Sander is hurting again...and hurting badly. I guess it is just a matter of time before he will have to go to hospital again.
But stubborn as he is he has refused so far.

I try to spend my "good week" doing something close to living...like go to the gym, shop for grocerys and do some work around the house. It's strangely satisfying to be usefull if only for a few days. All thoug I wish Sander would feel better too...

I miss Lasse and his crazy ,horny ,playfull company.
It realy did me (and him) good.

Life is to short to stop playing...life is to short to stop living. I miss my life...I think it once used to be worth living.

Love Ravn.

Solitude...

We've had a wonderful week...but now Monday is coming up
and I have to go in to drain. I don't wanna spoil everyones fun
so I send the boys of to the farm for a few days until I get back on my feat.
I have managed to talk Sander into going with them. I'll be safe here with the nurses and Trine to look after me. And I actually prefer beeing on my own
when I hurt like that...without an audience...

Nothing much to say realy....hopefully I'll be with you again on Thursday.

love Ravn.

Houseparty...

Everything went well...
my love is home and his beautiful heart on the mend.

He has to take it easy for a while, but he is gonna be all better!!

This week we have houseguests...Lasse and Arn came on Sunday. And will stay yet another week. It is so good to have them here...but poor Arn had to go in to hospitals for three days to do some tests. They turned out to be fine! So no tumors in sight for him!! :))

The hard bit of having Lasse around is that he turns me on so badly. I was so starved for sex now with Sander beeing out of order for some time...and Lasse was the same due to Arn that has had two painful weeks.
So we ended up having sex already in hospital on Tuesday....finding an empty mensroom while Arn slept.
And then again yesterday. Lasse spent the night in Sanders and mine bed...not sleeping very much...we gave sander the ultimate treatment..very slow and careful BJ's so that he wouldnt oveexite himself...
Then when he slept Lasse and I played until morning..( I cant help it...I am just so fucking horny:S)
I don't feel that I am doing something wrong either...as long as the four of us has a mutual agreement.It helps us survive both as couples and lovers I think.
It certainly helps me survive my own hornyness (embaressed)

Well...spring is in the air...life is quite good in this smal space in time..let's enjoy it!

Love Ravn

Birthdayheart...

Yesterdays birthdayboy had an attack the night before...
and in hospital later on they found out monitoring him..that something was not right with his heart.

So this morning while preforming an arterioskopi they found one comepletly blocked arterie in his heart. It has now been opened and they have put two stents inside it to keep it open. He is tired, but he is gonna be ok!! I have decided that!!!

I think he has had more than his share of problems by now...my poor sweet love:(

In and out and....

In and out and round and round...

Sander had an attack again...and while in hospital he had
another one this morning.This does not look good.
I was looking forward to spend a drainfree week with him..

No I guess he'll have to stay in hospital...Fuck..
Why do life always have to suck!

Alive and kicking..

Here I am...alive and kikcing...
Well, not exactly...but I made it. I am dead tired and probebly going to spend most of today on the sofa in the livingroom, but I focus on the ten days ahead without draining. That makes me feel sort of rich :)

Last week I even went to the gym twice! I can't remeber the last time that happened.
My only wish right now is that Sander will have some "timeout" from his pain too...
His birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. And our friends Lasse and Arn are coming to stay for a week. How wonderful it would be if we all could have a good time and enjoy beeing together.

He is gonna turn 25! Wow! I guess I must stop to call him a boy now...(yes I know Dan, I should have stopped that a looong time ago)It is just hard to use the word man..it is so "daddyish" ...

It is snowing today, but the cold is not to bad...we have about 70cm (30inc) of snow now...and I cant remember that much since I was little. It is beautfull but I long for spring...but it seems a long, long way of..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RKp1P2S2qs

Late Sunday night...

Late Sunday night...and I can't sleep...
I realy do'nt want to drain tomorrow...
but I know..I have to..

Sander refused to stay in hospital any longer...so he came home yesterday.
He is not much better, but he's got some new pills that
is working better than the old ones...and since they did nothing in hospital
but ease his pain..he decided he might as well be home.

Granny wants to come back tomorrow, but I have asked her not too...I don't want her to worry over me more than she needs to. She has not seen how bad I am after the last drainings, and I want it to stay that way..
Besides the nurses takes care of me..I wont be on my own.
I am planning to move out of the bedroom until the worst is over...that way at least Sander can have som rest..

I hope ur weekstart will be nicer than mine!

Love Ravn

Friday...

My "drainfree" week is coming to an end...
It has been good for me to have a break.
To be able to live a little...even with Sander
in hospital. As usual the hospital can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
They clame it is his damaged nerve-ends acting up...
I can't see why that would give him a fever?

When Granny and I was there yesterday he slept for the most...
I think the pain has kept him from sleeping much the past week.
So at least he gets some relife now.
I am thinking about staying in hospital too after the draining on Monday.
That way the nurses can have some time of...and Trine can sleep at night for a change. We'll see...the ward is realy crowded now. Not with old men as usual, but young ones with some kind of UVI ...strange....
And I want to be with Sander if I shall stay there..
I miss him already...our bed is way to big just for me..:(

Today Granny is going home...but she is coming back when Sander gets out of hospital.
I shall go to the gym with one of the nurses!!! And in the evening Stephan and mom are coming and we will go to se Sander..

Have a nice friday!

Love Ravn

Sander....

Sander had to go to hospital late last night.
The pain was suddenly to much for him to handle,
and he was starting to get a fever.

Don't know what it is yet. Some infection maybe
cause it even hurts when he pees...

We will soon go to see him..

To hell with'em!

Well, as you can see I am not in bed puking my guts out!
I simply denied to go in to drain this morning.
The Doc's can say what they want...I need a break....

I need to be able to live a little too...or I might as well be dead.
Besides Sander has been feeling like shit now for the past week,
and I think at least one of us should be able to cope with everyday life.
He withdraws from me as ususal, but I am used to it...even though
I wish he would let me comfort him. The only person that can is probebly Granny.
So I called her last night. And she is coming this afternoon to stay for a few days.
I hope that will cheer him up...or get him to loosen up and admit to the pain or something...one way or the other I think having her here will help him.
And I guess Iver is happy too...cause that means he will be home alone and can have his boyfriend staying...let's hope they will manage to get them selves out of bed and to school!

I feel close to ok just now...no pain to speak about for the moment.
And I just want to stay there for a little while to gather som strenght.
So as long as the doc's has'nt come up with anything else...I have
decided that I will continue to drain every other Monday..
It is my body...and my life...and they can just go to h***
All of them!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhzMBdiR3aQ

Stuck in hell....

Sander is right...
I realy have come to the point where I can take it no more...

The last three days has been hell...the morphine did'nt cut the pain
as it used to...and finaly they had to increase it so I could get some sleep.

I am so dead tired now that it feels as if I have been running the marathon
with lead shoes...

Something must change, but what else can they do?
If they stop the draining, I will most likely get an infection again...and this time it might
kill me...

They could remove my prostate, that will stop the infections, but not the pain from my damaged nuts...it will only make me impotent...they could even remove my nuts....but still I would probebly have pain cause the nerves will still be there...and they are so fucked up by now...
So it looks like I am stuck in hell...

Sorry, this blog of mine that was suposed to be about love and life...has became one long complaint about my situasjon...
I can understand why so few bother to read or coment..
It is like dear Firethorn says...there are realy nothing to be said anymore....
Nothing will ever change..

I am stuck in hell...

No more !!!!!

I just had to let the steam out somewhere!!!
We came back from hospital an hour ago
with a Ravn totally worn out from pain.
They did'nt let him of the hook this Monday either.
Fuck them!

We practicaly had to carry him inside and put him to bed.
And that's with a shot of morph in his body!!

He did'nt want me to come inside with him..
But I could tell that he had been crying when he stumbled out.
The Doctor wanted to keep him there for a day or two,
but he flat out refused, and begged us to take him home.
All the way back he was laying in the backseat of Nurse Tims car
with his head in my lap fighting with tears and pain
and repeting "I can't do this anymore,
I realy can't."

And I know it is true. He has come to the edge of what he can take.
Of what it is human possible to take!

I don't know how I can help him, but one thing is for sure.
I am not going to stand back and watch them torture him nomore!
Never!

Sander.

Afterglow...

Making love like it was the last time...

It could be .....at least for awhile...
IF they drain me again tomorow..

IF they do...
I will at least have this...

I will close my eyes and imagin his beautiful face
when I have gotten him to the edge of the cliff...
his body shivering underneath mine...

and the sound of him as he stumbles and falls of....
the sound of love, of life and beeing alive.

He is the one that makes me hold on...he is my Nirvana
my "rainbows end"...my xmas morning....

I love him...

But I am so scared....

Bye-bye xmas...

A day spent on shopping and getting rid of x-mas.

I hate to take down the xmasdecorations...our house seems so bare
and cold afterwards. But then it is kind of nice to get on
with our normal everydaylife again...

Sander,Tim-nurse and me went to the mall to do some shopping
today. It is the January sales now and clothes and stuff are up to 70%
off the normal prices...and Ineeded some new jeans and Sander warm boots
and some new glowes. We ended up buying nothing exept some dvds...
To many people everywhere...and besides Sander was in bad shape...
Oh, he wont admitt of course...but we could tell.

Home again he fell asleep on the sofa upstairs and I
helped Tim to store away the boxes with decorations.

Now it is nighttime and Sander sleeps...I can't...
I worry about Monday...I wonder if the doc's came up with an
alternative to draining every week...
cause I don't think I can bear it anylonger....
I cant go on living only half the time....

but..
if thats what it takes...

Lasse called tonight...he and Arn are coming down in February-
Arn is having his usual control at the hospital.
So Lasse is going to stay with us.
That will be nice...and someting to look forward too :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWDi8nJfGPA&feature=related

The coldest day in my life...

Yes, I survived another Monday...
But the time it takes me to mend is getting
longer and longer...I have spent three days in bed
puking and hurting....fun...

I can't do this every week anymore...or I will have no life left
to speak of. So we'll se what the Docs come up with.

Here in Norway we are having the coldest days in almost 25 years.
This morning we had close to -32c...wich is -26f...
And up longer North were dad lives they had over -40c...brrrrrrrrr

We are keeping close to the fire and we dont go out
unless we have to. Luckyli we have each other
to keep warm in the long winternights..

Love Ravn.

Ouch, my head!

Isn't it refreshing for a change...
that instead of whining about my nuts...
I have a tremendous headache to complain about...

We did have kind of a party yesterday...for our nurses
included Trine who is our nightnurse.
And it is not a very good idea to drink alcohol
when u are on painkillers..
(so Sander says)

Trine is worse of today though...she drank far more than me..

I got some complaines abouth yesterdays blog btw
Saying it is not wise to "out" my brother the way I did.
To my defense: Nobody in Norway reads my English blog...
Norway is not a very homophobic country...and I doubt
that any gayhateing HA anywhere in the world relay reads gay blogs.
So I wont take it away.

Life as gay is mostly ok in Norway. I have been bullied for it,
even beaten up once.
But the stupid dick kicked me in the nuts as well...
with the result that i puked on him!!
Hheheheheh....sweet revenge...
I wont hide my love from anyone or anywhere...
I am gay and proud of it!!!

Besides Sander beat the shit out of the guy later...
and then the poor asshole was so embaressed
that he sort of disapeared from our town.
And he was a pain in the ass to most
people here ...so nobody missed him.

Tomorrow is another hell-Monday...
and I realy dont want to go draining...
But I skipped last week ...so I realy have no choise..
Wish me luck!

Love Ravn.

Brothers and lovers...

I have my love home!

And we had a very nice and quiet newyearseve
with Trine,Simon and Milla... Jan E and a friend of his.
All though Sander and Milla fell asleep
way before midnight on his bed...so cute!

But I realy got something to tell u folks!
Remember the other day?
That I wrote that My brother and his pall
was gonna spend the night?
Well I could'nt sleep...
so in the middle of the night I gave up and went down
to sit in front of my computer for a while.
It is still located in our old bedroom downstairs.

The boys were suposed to be asleep upstairs in the guestrooms,
but when I came down the stairs
I noticed voices coming from the room.
It was clearly the voices of Rein and his friend...
and I stood still outside the door for awhile to listen to them...
and, Hey! What do you know!!! They where clearly
having sex!!!!
The sounds and words that came from behind that door was not
to be mistaken...they where fucking!
They took me compleatly by surprise!!
My brother? A fag??

I went upstairs and in to my room again...
and the next morning...
they pretended to have slept in the guestrooms.....
and I did not know what to say or how to say it.
So I have kept my mouth shut so far...
not sure if it is vise to say what I know.
And I am perhaps a bit hurt too...
cause I think Rein should know that can trust me.
For Petes sake I am gay!!

I have not told anybody but you folks yet...
but I will tell Sander.
He says he is ok again...but tired and a bit down.
And withdrawn the way he often is when he is feeling shitty..