Right now we (or mostly he) are going through the hardest phase
ever in our years together.
It started with Sander shutting me of compleatly after he had told me "his secret".
He would not speak to me or let me tuch him.
I know him. So I understand that this is a way of dealing with emotions that get to strong for him. He is so afraid of losing it totaly! So afraid that if he'll let himself be weak he wont be able to pull his act together again.
He kept this up for almost a week. Then he broke down. I had been holding him in his sleep. Trying to comfort him that way since I was not allowed to tuch him when he was awake.
When he woke up in my arms he tried to pull free, but I held on to him.
And then the dam burst open so to speak. He started to shake and cry.
And he started to speak...spilling out all the shit that he has keept inside for so long...man...it has been so hard hearing it all.
My heart and soul bleeds for him, but I have somehow managed to be strong and not break down myself. I have held him, and comfortet him, I have kissed him and dried his tears, I have even wached him puke out of shere terror of memories from his past.
Dr. Espen has been here every day...and my stephdad...the only person who might have known some of this from his years working as Sanders guardian.
Espen has given him sedativ shots to make him sleep. So far none of us have sucseeded in making him eat.
And we are now just waiting for him to have an attack. It is bound to come now...
I am so tired and sad. I cry when he sleeps. And I spend the time he is awake holding him. I know this is the right thing to do. That this will be good for him in the long run....but hell...it is so damned hard.
I can deal with fysical pain. I am used to that....but psycik...man..thats a whole diffrent pain..and I hate to have to witness it tear my love apart.
We have agreed that he is not to be put in Psyck...and if/when the attack comes..we will get the urologist to come here to give him the shot. That way I can be with him all the time...and Stephan can take my place when I need a break.
Sander don't want Granny to be here...he don't want her to see this.
I agree...she would bee heartbroken to watch him suffer.
The nurses take care of all practical stuff...I am so glad we have them now.
I don't know how long he will be in this phase...I guess until an attack stops it.
Espen warns us that he might go into a depresion afterwards...
and even have more pain and attacks...we'll have to wait and see.
Thank you all for suport.
Here, or on mail...
I love you all.
Ravn.
..............................
The awaited attac came last evening.It hit him even harder than usuall, but we managed to keep him home after one of the urologists came out to see him and give him the shot he needs. He has been sleeping all through the night and is still asleep at this moment..
Ravn.
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5 comments:
yes, this will be very difficult for sanders. it might be hard for him to be around you now that you know because he may feel dirty, used and unworthy. i'm glad you're there to help him realize that you're not going anywhere and a beautiful person who's been through terrible experiences. remind him that what he feels emotionally is only temporary and you'll be there to help him through it all. tell him that someone who's been through similar things tells you that it's worth the pain and work of feeling it all. being free of the past and its power over me is the best.
take care of yourself as well. it's hard supporting someone who survived childhood abuse. you can't be there for sanders if you get worn down.
I want to echo what dykewife said and simply add that I think it is good that you are able to hold Sanders. Physical touch is important to us as humans, especially in such times as you are going through. Being hugged and touched with gentleness reassures us that we are loved and that we are persons of worth. It eases our pains. Blessings to you both and to those who care for you.
Dykewife: I am sorry to hear that u have simular experiences as Sander. But it brings me hope too, cause u seem like a strong person, and u have made it through. I'll tell him what u have said as soon as he comes out of the fatigue after having the awaited attack yesterday.
Lemuel: Yes I belive it was me holding him that made him open up, so I am gonna continue doing so for as long as it takes.
Oh, and his name is Sander! :)
xxxxoooo Ravn
sorry, i edited out a sentence that i wrote meant to write "sander's" but typo left out the apostrophe and then forgot to change it.
i hope he feels better soon. and yes, you holding him is going to help him enormously. keep holding him and reminding him of your love. that will help buoy him up more than anything i can say.
Hey, baby - it sounds like you two are, as we Yankees say, going through the wringer. Reading this makes me sad for you both but, as I've said to you before, the saving grace is always that you have and support one another so beautifully. By sheer instinct you have known what to do for Sander over these last couple of weeks. You must not concern yourself with whether or not it works or if there is more that you can be doing. You're doing it and doing it well.
Dkyewife gives good advice: PLEASE take good care of yourself during this time. Try as you can to stay healthy and strong and let your Stepdad be a resource and support for you, too.
I love you both and send good energy for healing every day.
Firethorne
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