Sander in the morning.

I had to go here and write. Just to do something other than watch my love suffer.
The draining yesterday was harder than usual on Ravn. I almost had to carry him out to the taxi afterwards, and he spent the ride home crying helplessly in my lap.

Ravn sugested that Lasse and Arn went to the farm to vissit Granny for two-three days. I understand him. It is ok to be alone when you feel realy bad.

So it is him and me now. Like it used to be. Nurses having the week of, and Trine on summervacation. We have her mom next door as a back up. And Dr.Espen a phonecall away. So we are not compleatly left alone.

I read his last blog. It made me sad. Even though it is true. I have withdrawn.
It is easier that way when I hurt. But I promise both to him and you good people out there that I will struggle to be more outgoing. And I will finaly open up compleatly to him. I just need some time, and I need to be more or less free of fysical pain.
Or else I wont manage.

I love him so much. He is my whole life. I won't let him down.

As the morning comes I watch him sleep. He looks so beautiful and peaceful now, but in an hour or so the pain will be almost unbearable. And Dr. Espen will be here to give him another morphine-shot.

It is so hard to deal with a pain that is not my own. I am quite good at that. But when Ravn hurts like this it makes me feel totally helpless.
Not practically. I can deal with him puking and passing out,
but seeing him suffer and cry is pure torture. It hurts my soul,and that is the same kind of pain that I get dealing with my past....the pain that I can't handle.

But somehow, someway I have to. I promise.

Sander.