My second love...

Ok...on demand by mail, and by you, Dick...lol
And because Sander sleeps and I have nothing better to do...I will write about Murmel..

This begun about three years ago, when Sander was In psyk for over a year...I visited him every day..the days I was feeling ok. But I was lonley and lost...and a bit scared too..for he would not comunicate with me...

I met Murmel..(not his real name) on a Sweedish forum for young people..they had a chat and I soon became meber of a gang sweedish boys that had fun in there...At first we only chatted on the forum . He was three years older than me...and he and his girlfriend expected twins! He didn't want to become a dad just yet...but after a while he got used to the idea I think and actually looked forward to it.

He was so cool to chat with...we had the same sence of humor and liked much of the same music.
Then all of a sudden his girlfriend went in to labour...and three months before they were due the twins were born...a boy and a girl. Tiny little babys!
A fight for their life begun. Murmel and his girlfriend spent the days in hospital with the babys..he with the girl...she with the boy..he was totaly stressed out and could not sleep...so we started talking on msn at night...he spilling his guts out to me...

You se....When I was 11 I think...mom had a little babyboy who only lived for a week...he was born the same age as the twins...and was suposed to save my parents marrige I think...but little Emil died(the marrige too) ...and they let Rain and me be a part of Emils short life and death...I even got to hold him after he died...he was so tiny...but so beautiful !
So my heart went out to Murmel and his girlfriend..my prayers too

But I did'nt want to tell him yet ...I did'nt want to scare him..

So this is what happened..short:
After 4 weeks their little boy dies ..they are alowed to take him of life suport...and he dies in his dads arms 24 hours later...they are both crushed.
She feels that she has lost HER baby...cause they divided themself between the two...and she refuses to se her doughter..Murmel struggles on..with her at home...the loss of his son..and the baby in hospital..still tired, but unable to sleep much..still talking to me every single night...sometimes the whole night thrugh..and I have now told him my secret of my dead brother...that pulls us even closer together.
Then his girlfriend ends up having a major brake down...ending up in psyk...he takes care of his little girl..And two months old she can come home with him...but he has to feed her with a probe every two hours...a big responsebillety and effort witch he manages beautifully.

Somewere along the line we had gotten to the point where I sort of talke him to sleep in front of the computer...and he got sort of addicted to it..
to me beeing there...he cant sleep if I'm not there...my msn had to be logged in all through the night..

So.... later that spring he told me that he had fallen in love with me...a boy !!
He had never been atrackted to boys before....not ever!

WOW.....
I didnt get it at first..how can one fall in love in cyber?
...but one can...
and I sort of fell in love with him too.....

He struggles on ...things happen between him and his girlfriend...she admitts she has had an afare with his brother...he that he is in love with me...and they brake upp...
She leaves him and their kid...he gets full custody of her...
He tells his folks and friends that he is in love with a Norwegian boy...no one gives him a hard time about that ..but one...a friend that has been in love with Murmel for ages, and now gets very,very jealous of me...and it will finally lead to disaster...but I will leave that part out..it hurts to much to write about..and he eventualy had to go to jail..

We sort of spend every free sec we had with each other in cyber...
It's both wierd and wonderfull.
We both need the other so much...he knows I have Sander...but he is satisfied with the way things are...chatting and having cybersex....witch by the way was so great with him!
And so much needed...(Sander and I did'nt make love in over a year back then).

Then a serie of bad things happened to him...on a trip to London that summer ..he was raped by two boys..I wont go into details....they are to grim and violent...and he was lucky to survive..

But he wont and can't talk about it ...he is having nightmares and is in such bad shape afterwards...so I take it upon me to tell his dad. He needs someone irl to know too..
Since then I got his dad's number...that feels good...for now the real problems start..with nightmares...self dammage, and a baby that no longer is so little..but groving bigger day by day...and more demanding..

Then when his doughter is a year old...his ex girlfriend goes and takes her life...and he falls apart again..

Every single night for two years (aside when I am in hospital) I talk to him on msn...making him calm...making him able to sleep. Comfort him...suport him... Trying to love him back to life...
Calling his dad whenever things get rough for him...willing him back to life..
to trust other boys...the only boy who doesnt scare him at that point is me..

And he gives me the love and warmt I miss so much with Sander away...
We sort of live our whole life in cyber...so safe and secure...I had never in my wildest imagination thought that I could love someone that I never met irl so much..

Wierd...

Slovly...he returns to life...his baby now a fine todler...he is doing a greate job as singel dad...she is a though little broad...lol . Climbing trees even before she could walk..almost never sick..and that is unusual for one so premature born!
Old enough now to ask of her mom and brother when they vissit their grave...he told her they died and became stars.....and she looks happily up at the sky for them at night...
That is so beautiful i think...

He has now returned to school...getting an education....he is making a life for himself and his kid:) I am so proud of him...to se how much he has accomplished...to see how beautiful his little girl is.
Just like her dad..

He claims I saved his life...I say he saved mine too...

We have still not met IRL...and we doubt that we ever will...but that does'nt matter...He will always be in my heart...my second love...

And he claims ...that I will always bee the love of his life..

My tears are running as I write this...mostly with gratefulness to whoever it was that held his hands over us...he truely saved my Murmel...same as he did Sander... and me..

But that's another storry...

This is mine and Murmels song.....enjoy
Even though it is Greenday that forever will remind me of him :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRaieyN77UI