I woke up alone this mondaymorning...
Yesterday just after lunch :
I am resting on the bed... chatting with Dan.
When Sander comes downstairs looking pale as hell ...
I sort of leap out of bed just in time to catch him as he passes out.
I shout for someone to come and help...and thank God!
Stephan hears me...
He is jumping down the stairs two steps at the time.
He helps me to get Sander into the bathroom where we place him on the floor with me kneeling
behind him so that he's resting against my thighs.
Stephan then runs uppstairs to call the ambulanse while Sander suddenly choughs and pukes all over himself and me..his body sort of convulsing from pain. I hold him and trie to calm him.
Mom's coming down...she begans cleaning upp the puke. Sander is shaking in my lap...trying to breathe. Tears streaming ..mine too... I so hate this!
I hold him tight bending down over him...wispering in his ear to take it easy...that he will soon be in hospital, and it will be over. But he is beyond hearing me..crying with pain.
The abulanse arrives..Stephan goes with him...not allowing me to come :(
I take of my soiled clothes and turn on the shower...leaning my forehead against the tiles i let my tears mix with the water....
That's how my brother finds me when he comes for sunday dinner.
He reaches in and turns the water of...
fetches a big tovel and hands it to me.
He lights a cigarette ...and watches me from the doorway.
I cant stop my tears ......
-"You gonna be ok?" he is looking conserned... I nod.
But all I realy want to do is to crawl into bed...get him to hold me...get him to say it's gonna be ok again! To say that we are safe!
Like we did when we were kids and dad was drunk....he was my safe heaven back then...my guardian angel...beeing four years my senior..
-"Hey! He opens his arms...I lean against his chest...my cheek against his leather west..
-"Sander's gonna be ok, you know! He is probebly sleeping by now"
He takes me in his arms...holding me tight.
-"It's gonna be ok, Ravn...Everything is gonna be fine"...
But afterwards I can se that his eyes are shiny.....
Even angels cry..
Even Hells Angels..
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3 comments:
Oh Rvn..my heart goes out to you both.I hope that they have managed to get Sanders pain under control by now.Its so scarey for you to have the one you love so ill.PLease know that I will pray for both of you.
My lovely James was H.A too..the same as your brother.And he was my guardian angel too.No matter what ppl may think,an angel is an angel.
James showed me how to live,how to love and how to experience great passion just as you and Sander have.And I was 45 before I found this love.
Even now that James has gone,I know that he is the angel on my shoulder.Love never ends.
hugs back Honey.
Thank u sweet butterfly..
Read my post on september 13th..
They allways manage to take the pain away in hospital by injecting sedativs directly in to his spermcords...it's a murderous prosedure, but it takes away the pain and makes him sleep for almost 24 hours usually:)
Oh my God.You guys are so incredibly brave.
To go through all that pain ..and for SO long.
But you always manage to get through everything!And still be lovers.Its amazing.
Kia Kaha (that means be strong in Maori language)
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