Kiss it away...

Things are improving I think!
I don't (what do you call it Dan?) waddle ?...like an old duck anylonger!
I still have to rest, and I am still in pain...but the pain is not as severe now.
I can live with it. Soon I will be out and about I think!
But alas....tomorrow is drainingday and the prospect of beeing sick as a dog for
the nex two days does'nt apeal to me..though I know i have to...

There are so many things I long to do right now...it is as my life been on hold this last year.
There has'nt been much of anything exept hospitals and pain...
but maybe this fall we could both be ok at the same time ....
that almost never happens.

But....

I know Sander is in pain though...I saw it all yesterday..and I see it even now as he sleeps.
He's got that little line beside his mouth...I can always tell by it.
I feel sorry for him. He has a hard time admitting to pain. When he has an attack it's diffrent...the pain completly takes over his body then ..and theres now way of holding back..
But the rest of the time..he mostly denys it..he is for some reason so afraid of showing that
he is in pain..It is as he thinks pain is some sign of beeing weak...
something he has to suppress and controll.
And I wonder what it is in his past that made him that way..
.but he wont talk about his past...or the fackt that he once had parents and a family.
I have tried for years to get him to talk about this...
but never succeeded..
The only thing I know is that he has been telling a tiny bit to granny...she is the only one
he trust aparently....knowing she wont tell on him.

Maybe he has told Ola as well....dogs never tell on you..
And when he spent a whole year in psyc...It was finaly Ola that made him come out of it...
He didnt speak for almost a year back then....
And then I got the bright idea of bringing Ola to vissit....
and he sort of fell apart and sobbed into Olas fur for hours...
after that he improved..but again..'
he did not want to talk about what was wrong...

I wish I would stop feeling hurt by this...I tell him sort of everything...
no part of my life beeing a secret..but I know so little of his until he was 13-14...
So the only thing I can do is to play along ...pretend I don't see...pretend all is well..
Until he gets another attack, and weeps helplessly in my arms....

He means the world to me...and I wish so much that I could help him...I just don't see how..
Other than loving him...

I think he is about to wake up...he is moving in his sleep...his face contracted in pain..
But i know when he opens his eyes he will say that he is ok...*sigh*

I wish I could kiss it all away...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owTmJrtD7g8