From a distance...

Once again I look at their tired faces...
and I hate myself for doing that to my family.

I want them to be happy, rested and even a bit careless..
carefree...
Instead I got them to worry about me.
As if Sander in rehab wasn't enough...

Dear granny...she realy deserves a "time out" from beeing
our nurse and caretaker all these years...
She could have had such a good life...maybe living with dads family
with nothing much to do exept baking cookies with my babysis.
Instead I watch her looking sad over me...
and making me hate myself even more..
I know they will be sad if I die...but I think time will heal them..
and eventually they would all have a better life...

I had some unexpected visitors yesterday...Simon,Mikkel and Peter...
Yes, THAT Peter...It's been a long time since he tried to flirt his way
into my bed...And sweet, shy, Mikkel...both of them just as queer as
Sander and me....but none of them acepting it...

Peter is living with yet another girl...fucking boys on the side as usual
And Mikkel still is seeing no one...he has been single for quite sometime now.
And I doubth that he has ever slept with a guy...exept for that "fooling around
with me acident up in the mountains"

But taking a closer look at them...I suddenly knew...
Peter did fuck him !! And now Mikkel had fallen in love...
That is so wasted...
Peter will never ever give up his "prince of pussy"
image. He will fuck Mikkel for the sex...
but he will never love a guy
the way Mikkel deserves to be loved...
and I felt so bad for him.
But maybe that is a way to avoid
dealing with the fackt that he is gay..
falling in love with boys you cannot have...
first it was me...
now it is Peter...

The boys didn't stay long...
they where heading for Peters place for beers and shots
before having a party-night.

I admitt....I felt a bit envious..
Like I had grovn old long before my time...
It seems like another life when we used to party
at "Jekyl and Hyde"...
And now I can only watch them have fun from a distance...
Like the rest of my life...I realy don't live it either...
I just watch it pass by...

From a distance..

U can read more about Peter here..
.http://nightwatcherandflamekeeper-ravn.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-love-is-sleeping.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOcmWuCYVXg&feature=related

Sleeping with Sander...

It realy is early Saturday morning here..
All throug the night I have had Sanders voice in my ear...
talking to me on the cellphone..

My doc has given me Morphine sups again...and my stephdad
manages them. They have provided me with
a few hours of much needed sleep.

Drifting in and out of dreamland and Sanders calm voice
soothing me...making me relax so that I hurt less.
I still have my earplugg in and I can hear him breath
silently in his sleep. And mentaly I have his hand
in mine ...

My doc want me to go to hospital again...but
I refuse..
I want to be here in my bed. Don't want to share
this pain with any stranger I happen to be shareing
a room with.
And the sups makes it a little easyer to stay put.

I need to jack of...due to my prostateproblems..
At least once a day "uro" says..
but I don't think I can right now..
And it is bound to hurt as well
When cuming hurts I can't do it..
I need to keep that part separate from
the pain...it can't stop beeing about pleasure!
I think that when or preferably if ..that happens ...
I wont be able to fight my illness anymore...

Stephdad's just been down here with another sup.
in a moment it will take the edge of the pain and
I can sleep some more...making my breath one
with Sanders...as together as we can be ...
beeing so far apart.

Bitching...

I have been a bitch today..
But when I hurt like this..when the pain
keeps me on the edge of crying all the time
I can't stand it if anybody tries to confort me
at least not Granny or Iver...
I do feel mean....but that's the way I feel.

But when trine came around this morning
I let her lay in bed with me ....and stroke my back.
Then I fell asleep for awhile on her arm.
Think I have a problem with showing Iver my tears.
I am suposed to be the strong one...to suport him
not the other way round.

Sander has tryed to get a leave from rehab
to come home and be with me..
But they wont let him:(
That is ok...I realy don't want him to see me
like this either...

pain

It iss half past 5 am
I've been awake for hours...my painkillers wont give me any ease..
and I already took to many...witcth makes writing a bit difficult
and my head spin.
I need morpine but it is to early to call my doc.
so I jsut lay here shaking with pain and nousea...
Maybe I am running a tmerature as well..don't knoww.

I just sneezed and iI the motion makes thh pain shot through
my body and me almost to throw upfrom it...fuckk
crying hurts..I
Ths is no life ,,I cant
it hurtsso

Weird...

I've been sleeping a lot today...
And dreaming odd and scarey dreams ...
about drowning and sufocating...

Weird,weird,weird...

I spoke to Sander on the phone just now
While he locked himself in the batroom and jacked off...
and I came without even tuching myself..
and it hurt...
I hate when that hurts!

At least he is getting better
at least the attacks has gone...
at least he will be ok..

Will I ever?
What did the dreams mean?

Confused..
Sad.

Lost,hurt,tired and lonely...

I have one of these days were I wish I was never born.
I guess Dan is right..
I tend to get depressed when the pain is to much and
Sander is not around..
but I don't know.
Lately it has been almost to much for me ...
I feel so tired of life itselves.
I just want to hide and sleep...
but then I can't because of the damned pain..

Ok so I do complain a lot...but right now I feel entitled too do so.
There are so many things missing from life ...
So many places I should have been.
So many .....I almost said dreams...
but that is not true...I don't dream anymore...
and I don't plan ahead.
I just exist...

And with Sander gone and me trapped here...
the fourth wall in my room is missing.

I am just lost, hurt, tired and lonely..
and I doubth something beautiful will ever come my way...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1oOaKpOrPs&feature=related

Home...

Hey!

Sorry..I suddenly found myself back in hospital...
I guess it was my own doing partly...
first I skipped the monday draining
and on Sanders birthday I woke up in pain...
but chosed to load up on painkillers
and pretend to be alright.

The result is I don't remeber a damned shit from
the birthdayparty and I managed to colapse and pass out
in the parkinglot when we was going home...due to
severe pain and a overload of painkillers..
mmm...I agree...stupid me..

Well they admitted me and they sedated and drained me while sedated...
That obviously did the trick...but on a "Hurting-scale" from 0-10
it definitely was a 15 !!! Ouch!!

So now I am home again...
Still hurting and moving about like a chimp with artrites with a
big banana up his ass...

Sigh...

Still I am glad to be home...

Love u...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8A2FaHhc3c