Mourning.

Locked up
locked in

Protected against myself

Why can't I choose
life
or
death.

My body
broken after years with pain

My soul
ruptured with grief.

My heart
torn
out of my body

Leaving a big ragged hole
open for the wind

My love
my life
my everything
Soulmate
lover
brother in arms.

We were once so young

Now
I am a thousand years old
I have seen it all

I am dead tired
I want
darknes

I want
to be
nobody

Oblivion.


S.

Oblivion.

Alone
So here I am
Me
Now

I have not decided if I am alive or dead.
My body hurts, but my soul is an open wound.

I can cope with the pain in my body
I am used to that
It almost makes me feel safe
and it gives me a break from my mind

Oblivion
No more...

But when the pain subsides
Reality hits me in the back of my head
like a sledgehammer.

Bom...

I have not cried
I have not spoken

My voice wont come out anymore
and all my tears are bottled up inside me behind thick brick walls
They try to pull them down
they try to tear holes in me
Every day
all the time

I wont let them
I seek my pain
I even sometimes provoke it
so I can hurt more

I endulge in it.
No painkillers
no relife.

I want every single nerve in my body to wrench and twist
until I puke from pain
I want my body to shake with attacks so strong they make me my body shut down

Unconcious

Oblivion.

I can not belive this has happened
It has been more than four months now

I always belived it would be me...

First

Not him..


Alone.

More than ever

Not we

I

for all eternity.


He is missing
he is forever missing!
The last of my will to stay alive
died with him.

Sleep
The little death

Oblivion.


II

Inside my head
When I close my eyes. He is there.
I can hear his voice. Se his sweet face.
I can even smell him..

His sweather on my pillow
Nobody allowed to tuch it

His scent in the night
fades...

Fades.


His voice, his varm, dark voice...
Just a low whisper

I am sorry...I'm so sorry
I can't anylonger
I am so sorry...

The silence is everlasting
It will never go away again.
Never ever..

************************

Your hand slipping out of mine
silent and white
resting on the blanket

A smal red scratch on the back of your hand
It will never heal
It fills me with an unbearable grief
and shattering pain

That little red scratch
on your hand.

My cold lips
against
 your still warm hand

Against your lips
soft now

Everything is
for the last time...


Death

Oblivion...



S.

Ravn.

 
This is Trine and this is probably the saddest thing I ever have written or ever will write. But I have to write this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

My darling Ravn died peacefully in his sleep in hospital three weeks ago. On the 26th of November, I was there along with Sander and Ravn's family. The inflammations had become too much for his
already poor body.

The funeral was held about a week later after which he was cremated.

　

Ravn's ashes will be taken up to those mountains he loved so well. They will be taken there in spring, as he had wanted. There his soul will be set free.
 
But sorrow doesn't end there. Sander is locked up in the psychiatric hospital, having shut out the world totally. The death of his Ravn really destroyed everything in him. We try to help, but how can we?



Thank you all for beeing such good friends to him. Dan, Butterfly, Firethorn. He loved you.


Trine.



This was played at Ravns funeral :

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TLstyvBgriY

Sander.

. I just want to tell you that Ravn is in hospital, and has been unconcious for over two weeks. We are hoping and praying, but it does not look very good this time. Not at all.

Sander.

There and back again.

I guess you figured out already that I have been in hospital. Yea...I had another inflamation, but to everybodys surprise it was not as serious as the last ones has been. Oh, it hurt alright, but I pulled through without to much strain and is now at home. Tired an run down, but alive!

Sander is coming home next week. I miss him so much now. I can't wait for us to be asleep in our one bed again...in each others arms. Bliss!

Autumn is here, and it is far warmer and brighter than our summer... so far. Strange days realy, but nice to. I try to spend as much time as I can outside. Just to fill up my batteries for the winter comes.

How are you all out there?I seldom hear from u these days.
 I am worried for my bloggerfriend Ron at "Rusty Racer" who fights a hard battel againts cancer right now. Please pray for him you good people out there. Pray to whatever God you belive in.

It makes me think of my own mortality and how lucky I have been after all. Life is not to be taken for granthed. It is precious....so precious.

Love  Ravn

Status Quo.

It has been a while since I was here..
Sanders surgery is over and done with. It went well,as in he didnt hurt so much... but was not a sucsess. They couldn't realy do anymore to his nerves back there...so no hope in the way of recovery. He is tired, but not in severe pain. He is disapointed of course, but we knew the chanses was not very high.
For the time beeing he is in rehab. Training to get back on his feet again. He will continue to use the weelchair now...and he says he is ok by it. I don't know if he means it thoug' :(

The traveling back and forth to the hospital has finaly taken it's toll on me, and left me exhaused with a growing pain and a fever...I pray that it is not going to develop in to an inflamation...cause I don't have much strenght left in me now to fight it. I have used it all on my love.

The summer here in Norway has been the coldest and rainyest ever !So we did'nt miss much.. And now autumn is waiting to take over. I love the fall, usually I realy do, but this year I don't want it. I can't stand the thougt of another winter!

The building of our house is beginning at the end of the month, with some luck we can all move in by xmas! We hope!

And soon our house is going up for sale. That will feel strange and a bit sad. I have lived here all my life, and to think of other people livingin our rooms make me almost tear up..But maybe it is just my exhustednes speaking...I hope so..

Well, tomorrow I am in for draining, and if my fever keeps on building they may want to keep me.

Wish me luck!


Love Ravn.

Waiting...

I am sorry ...I have not been able to go in here to write for a long time. With Sander in hospital and myself traveling back and forth ..I have simply been totally worn out when the evening comes.

Yes, he is in again...and yes, they are doing tests on him before they wil finaly operate on him once more in a couple of weeks. He has been in realy bad shape, and has been hurting a lot. So I have been with him almost all the time. My own pain has thankfully taken a break...or else I could'tn have.

So my days is like this: Shower, breakfast (if not to tired), hospital, bed...not much to write about.

It is'nt as we are missing out on the summer. The weather has been realy, realy bad here in southern parts of Norway so far. Rain, rain and more rain. Totally depressing...
So we spend the time in hospital watcing movies and tv-series...(when he is up to it) or I read to him.
Right now we are into "Game of thrones" and waiting for another season of "Borgias".

Poor Sander is having a realy shitty time...and I wish I could take his place so he could have a chance of breathing and sleeping without beeing knocked out on drugs.
He is able to show a little more emotions this time around, and thats a big relife! It is so much better to comfort him when he can admitt that he is going through hell...better for him too...

But I get tired. I mean...I am only human...and I still have my drainings to go through every forthnight...
The days I am out from pain Lasse is taking my place...

And so times goes slowly by as we wait for his surgery.
I hope you all have a great summer!


Love Ravn.