Oblivion.

Alone
So here I am
Me
Now

I have not decided if I am alive or dead.
My body hurts, but my soul is an open wound.

I can cope with the pain in my body
I am used to that
It almost makes me feel safe
and it gives me a break from my mind

Oblivion
No more...

But when the pain subsides
Reality hits me in the back of my head
like a sledgehammer.

Bom...

I have not cried
I have not spoken

My voice wont come out anymore
and all my tears are bottled up inside me behind thick brick walls
They try to pull them down
they try to tear holes in me
Every day
all the time

I wont let them
I seek my pain
I even sometimes provoke it
so I can hurt more

I endulge in it.
No painkillers
no relife.

I want every single nerve in my body to wrench and twist
until I puke from pain
I want my body to shake with attacks so strong they make me my body shut down

Unconcious

Oblivion.

I can not belive this has happened
It has been more than four months now

I always belived it would be me...

First

Not him..


Alone.

More than ever

Not we

I

for all eternity.


He is missing
he is forever missing!
The last of my will to stay alive
died with him.

Sleep
The little death

Oblivion.


II

Inside my head
When I close my eyes. He is there.
I can hear his voice. Se his sweet face.
I can even smell him..

His sweather on my pillow
Nobody allowed to tuch it

His scent in the night
fades...

Fades.


His voice, his varm, dark voice...
Just a low whisper

I am sorry...I'm so sorry
I can't anylonger
I am so sorry...

The silence is everlasting
It will never go away again.
Never ever..

************************

Your hand slipping out of mine
silent and white
resting on the blanket

A smal red scratch on the back of your hand
It will never heal
It fills me with an unbearable grief
and shattering pain

That little red scratch
on your hand.

My cold lips
against
 your still warm hand

Against your lips
soft now

Everything is
for the last time...


Death

Oblivion...



S.