Trying to go on.

I am still alive out here in cold Norway. Life goes on in a joyless, painful way. I still can't belive Ravn is gone. He is still so close to me somehow
I swear I can feel him next to me. I have come to terms with him beeing dead though. He was in so much pain the last months of his life. It was good for him to be free of it. But oh, I miss him so much. His sweet face and warm body. His loving caring person. I will never ever forget him.

I am trying to go on by my self. It is hard, and I don't know what to do yet. For the time beeing I live with Grandma. The house we built with Trine and her family was completed some months ago, but I don't know if I can live there. Maybe I'd be better of somewhere compleatly diffrent. On my own. A brand new start or something. Ravns family wants me to stay with them, but I have'nt decided yet. They are not my familiy, even if they say so and I feel they are. I realy can't explain.

 My health situasjon is about the same. I am mostly in the weelchair. I am in pain most of the time, and I still have nurses taking care of me. I don't want to burden Gran with that.
I think somehow my pain (even if it sometimes made me uncounsius) helped me to cope in the begining. The pain of losing Ravn was so real it felt natural that my body was in hell as well as my soul.
I refused to take painkillers just to let it rage inside my body, and I think it did me good (everybody else tried to tell me otherwise)

Lasse and Peter has been marvelous to me. They lived with me for the first three months (after I got out of hospital), and they are coming out here on the farm almost every weekend to be with me. It is also a comfort to me to think that Ravn is with Arn in heaven. That he is not alone up there. That they have each other and are free of all pain. I try to belive there is a God up there with them. I want to see Ravn again when it is my time to go, but I have a hard time beliving in any higher power who rules this miserable earth. Sorry. :(

Sander

His soul is free.

He soul is free now.

We have been up to his place in the mountains
To let his ashes fly with the wind
To let him fly free over the mountains and the eternal snow
Over the stream in the mountainside he loved so much


He has become one with the nature
wich he once sprung from

The circle is closed

His soul is free.



My love, play with the winds and the rain
glow in the sunlight
be the brightest of the stars
sleep in the long, beautiful, cold winters
until someday...
in the age of the fairytales and campfires
my soul will find yours
again.

S.



" He reminds me of november
in the steel blue in his eyes.
It's his soul I will remember
wise and ancient as the skies.

He's a travler, he's a gypsy
passing through and moving on.
And I knew when he was with me
he is no singer....he's the song

He belongs to the rain
He belongs to the wind
He belongs to the storm blowin' in
He belongs to the stars
He belongs to the sea
He belongs to the deepest of all mysteries."

S.A


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Isq8zbjUb_o

No God.

Reading and crying
Reliving our past.

It is like hearing his voice
dark, warm and sweet..
wispering in my ear
It hurts so bad
No attack can make me hurt
half as bad as this

And still
I can't stop
I crave him

It makes him so alive
Like he would be here
anytime
home

together.


Another time
another life

How can I ever live again..
Do I want to?

I am so lonely
so painstalkingly alone
and this big scary world
so empty
he is not in it anymore..

Is he
in me...
Somehow?

I want him to be
I want a sign

I want to belive
that he is waiting

But where?
I have no God to pray to
No one to trust

His God
is not mine
never was
if he is with him now

we will never be together
apart
for all
eternity

I am mostly
in bed
the pain
wont let me sit

I am waiting
for it
to
end it
all

I
want
out.

Oblivion.

S.

Raining.

This day was suposed to be happy
you were suposed to be 27

you will never ever be

Forever locked in time at 26
young
beautiful

forever...

No celebration
no cake and candles

I am
alone
in the rain
even the sky
is crying
for you

the spring is late
my life is on hold
the world can stop
I don't care..

Let it rain on
til the end of time

You are no more
we are no more...

It is raining on
your birthday
my love...

It is raining
and my heart
is
not
a heart
anymore...

S.

Pain.

I have know'n you
for many years.
I have hated you
just as long.

Pain.

You kill all joy
You take away
my will to live.

You tortures my body
until it gives up
gives in

Pain.

Sanctuary.

I thought nothing could be worse
I was wrong

so wrong.

Pain.

I welcome you
You make me hurt so I can't think

Oblivion.

They put painkillers in my coke
I don't want any
I want to enjoy my own private
screaming
hell of pain

undisturbed

Because afterwards
the silence
in my body
will kill him

over
and
over

forever.


S.

Mourning.

Locked up
locked in

Protected against myself

Why can't I choose
life
or
death.

My body
broken after years with pain

My soul
ruptured with grief.

My heart
torn
out of my body

Leaving a big ragged hole
open for the wind

My love
my life
my everything
Soulmate
lover
brother in arms.

We were once so young

Now
I am a thousand years old
I have seen it all

I am dead tired
I want
darknes

I want
to be
nobody

Oblivion.


S.

Oblivion.

Alone
So here I am
Me
Now

I have not decided if I am alive or dead.
My body hurts, but my soul is an open wound.

I can cope with the pain in my body
I am used to that
It almost makes me feel safe
and it gives me a break from my mind

Oblivion
No more...

But when the pain subsides
Reality hits me in the back of my head
like a sledgehammer.

Bom...

I have not cried
I have not spoken

My voice wont come out anymore
and all my tears are bottled up inside me behind thick brick walls
They try to pull them down
they try to tear holes in me
Every day
all the time

I wont let them
I seek my pain
I even sometimes provoke it
so I can hurt more

I endulge in it.
No painkillers
no relife.

I want every single nerve in my body to wrench and twist
until I puke from pain
I want my body to shake with attacks so strong they make me my body shut down

Unconcious

Oblivion.

I can not belive this has happened
It has been more than four months now

I always belived it would be me...

First

Not him..


Alone.

More than ever

Not we

I

for all eternity.


He is missing
he is forever missing!
The last of my will to stay alive
died with him.

Sleep
The little death

Oblivion.


II

Inside my head
When I close my eyes. He is there.
I can hear his voice. Se his sweet face.
I can even smell him..

His sweather on my pillow
Nobody allowed to tuch it

His scent in the night
fades...

Fades.


His voice, his varm, dark voice...
Just a low whisper

I am sorry...I'm so sorry
I can't anylonger
I am so sorry...

The silence is everlasting
It will never go away again.
Never ever..

************************

Your hand slipping out of mine
silent and white
resting on the blanket

A smal red scratch on the back of your hand
It will never heal
It fills me with an unbearable grief
and shattering pain

That little red scratch
on your hand.

My cold lips
against
 your still warm hand

Against your lips
soft now

Everything is
for the last time...


Death

Oblivion...



S.