It is hard...

Once again back from hospital and draining...and this time might be the last time that I have to stay in hospital afterwards. Our nurses are learning how to adminster my drugs and adminster the morph cat. I should look forward to it, but I am not sure I do..I can get more rest in hospital, and I can give a fuck about other people than myself. At home I always feel I have to pull my act together as not to scare the others with my pain. And it has been nice to think of nobody but me.
It also mean we will have nurses here all night the first nights after draining. So much fuzz over me...

Trine and Sander came to visit me in hospital last night.Trine is looking great this days, she has a certain glow about her. Maybe beacuse Simon is finaly done with school this spring, and they can find a home of their own to move in to with Milla.
We have been talking a little about trying to find a two-apartments-house that we could share. But i dont know yet how realistic that is. I like the idea though.

I am still thinking a lot of Arn, and of Lasse...of how his life is going to change now. In time he will get a new lover for sure...but he will have to adjust to a life without Arn first. We all will have to adjust...

I remember the first time I saw him...the first time he and Lasse came to stay with us. Long blonde hair in a ponytail, brown skin, jeans-overall(i dont know the english name for jeans with suspenders sort of) nothing underneat, a blue baseballcap,shy blue eyes, red converses on naked feet under roolled up jeans. He was so unbeliveable handsome and hot! He could have been a male modell for sure....and who knows...he might have ...if he had been well. It was the same beautiful Arn i saw for the last time laying in his coffin...and my first thought was: How can they burn him!! He is much to beautiful! They just cant!! Sick, I know..

But now they have...and the worlds most beautifull boy has gone out of time....man..it is hard. So fucking hard.

An angel in Levi's...

We have said our goodbyes to darling Arn. It was a very beautiful, meaningful seremony in the church. The church was packed with people and flowers.
Their local priest held the most beautiful speach...saying that God understood Arns pain and why he couldnt live anymore. I think that gave comfort to a lot of people.
Adrian held a beautifull speach for his brother....and then Lasse.

Oh, God! I almost didn't make it through his speach...how he described his life with Arn with pure love...oh, we all knew that there had been many hard times due to Arns illness, but he focused on the wonderfull, strong love between the two of them...a love that lasted all into eternity...and how grateful he was for holding him when he left this life....

I cried my eyes out. I think we all did.

There was music..Arns favorit song Dire Straits "Brothers in arms" ....Norwegian Vamps beautiful song "Kim du nå va" (whoever you where) and finaly Lasses song to Arn Green days "When it's time"...

I could almost feel his precense at that stage...even though I had seen him before the service took place...in his white coffin..looking astonishingly beautiful and angelic with his long blond hair and his beloved faded Levi's shirt and jeans.
Beautiful...but fragile like glas or paper...I could tell that his spirit was gone...only the shell of his body remeined.


Dearest Arn...how we shall miss you down here...but I saw your face without the lines of years in pain. And I knew ...that youre safe and happy...

Somehow if feels comforting...knowing there will be a gay angel with blond hair wearing Levi's watching us from up there..

Rest in peace forever...sweet angel.

Love Ravn.

Dire straits for u:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhdFe3evXpk

Vamp:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFr8fAdyknU

Greenday:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-ukihUyfU0

Arn II....

I am going up North today. To join Sander and Lasse. The funuralservice for Arn will be held tomorrow.(Friday) Then in spring his ashes will be burried next to his parents here in Oslo.
It turned out to be verry expensive to take his body down here by plane. So this was a better solution.

I am not feeling so good after Mondays draining, but I want so much to be there....so I'll take the morningflight anyway...Yes, we are survivors...but that not mean that I am brave and optimistic all the time...rather the oposite..
But they say "Wat doesnt kill you...make you stronger, and I guess that is true.

It still hurts verry much. But I can understand Arns decision, I think we can only take pain and shit up to a certain level...and that level is difrent for each one of us.
I have been so close to my own...that I know how he has felt deciding to do this. And I dont blame him for doing it.
I belive he is in a better place, and that we shall meet again evetually.

We who belive there is more than this little life here on earth, that it must havebeen someone behind it all....I think it is easyer for us to be comforted.
Sander and Lasse do not belive in God....so for them the loss of Arn is so final.

I am so lucky to have the hope of reunion in my heart, and I am thankfull that I do.

Well I have to pack my bags.. gulp down some painkillers to survivie the planetrip.
And by Monday I will be back home...hopefully with Sander...and maybe even with Lasse..

This is Arns favorite band Greenday...with "Time of youre life" In his memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR6uz_VTCUo

Love Ravn

Arn...

Sander took the morningflight up North yesterday...to be with Lasse.
I am glad he did...Lasse is going to need him now.

I can't realy get it into my head that Arn is dead. Beautifull, sweet Arn...the prettiest boy I have ever seen...gone? He can't be:(

But he is...Lasse woke up Monday morning holding his dead body in his arms...I can't even imagin how that must have felt.
They had a very nice Sunday, with Adrian and his family, and Arn seemed so pleased and better than he had been in a long time. They even made love before they went to sleep, wich he did'nt want to verry often anylonger.
Then sometimes in the middle of the night. Arn stood out of bed, emptied all his painkillers and a bottle of Scottcs...he wrote a short note saying that he was sorry, but he couldt take the pain anymore...then he went back to bed...

My tears stream down my cheeks as I write this...he must have planned it..he knew all Sunday what he was going to do...and he must have been relived sort of..
Lasse told me he looked so peacefull, almost smiling, all the lines of pain on his sweet face gone. Lasse seems so calm and in control of him selves...he says he understands Arns decicion...that he would not want him to suffer anymore...to watch him getting worse and worse....but I guess he is bound to get a reaction sooner or later. And thats why it is good that Sander is with him. His closest friend.

Arns body will be transported down to Oslo for burial next to his parents...Lasse will probebly go back to live here too. Sander and me will offer him our basement room if he wants it. Time will tell.

The funaraldate is not set yet...but I guess sometimes next week. Adrian and his family, Arns aunt, and some close friends will probely come down as well and we can have some staying here, and some staying out on the farm.

I can relate to what Arn did...I mean...I have almost been there myself..I know how desperate you can get from pain...but now I think I can say that I wont go down that road! I cannot do that to the ones that love me.I cant make them suffer like this. At least not while I am sane!

I hope and pray that Arn is in a better place now. Where there is no pain...where he can be with his parents...and wait for the day Lasse arrives.

Love ravn

I don't know how I am gonna say this...

So I just will...

Arn is dead...our beautifull friend, Lasses lover and soulmate, Adrians brother.

We do not know many details yet....but it apears that he has taken his own life.
We are so verry sorry...

Sander has spoken briefly with Lasse on the phone earlier on...he will call again tonight. Then we will know more.

Needless to say we are devastated.


Ravn.

We are survivors!

All tired and fucked up from the draining on Monday. But I am still here.
And it suddenly made me come to the conclusion ...I am a survivor!

I mean...hell, I have pulled through every God damned inflamation ...I make it through these hellish drainings every fortnight...I must have a special kind of strenght...
And I think I know what that strenght is...It is Sander! Without him I don't think I would be alive today...without him I would not realy care.

The pain from Mondays draining still lingers on today...not as fierce, but it is there...making me unable to participate in the daily chores. In the beginning...the first years...the pain lasted only for two days. No it is nearly four...and I spend three of them in hospital. Thats ok...they know how to deal with it, and they master my pain a bit better than we are able to at home.

I am on the sofa up in the livingroom with my laptopp...looking out on a winter wonderland outside.Longing to go skiing or snowboarding. It has been way to long since we did it...and I guess Sander is not able to anylonger..
Thats sad,couse he loves snowboarding. But he just dont have the strenght or balance anymore. His back couses him a lot of pain these days...and mixed with the pain from his nuts it is realy no picknic. My poor sweet baby..
But we hold our hopes up...waiting for spring, when he will be able to use his chair more outside. Hopefully that will take the worst strain of his back and lead to less pain.

Right now he is asleep in the other end of our big cornersofa, blond strains of hair laying across his cheek. looking more beautiful than ever...he has been awake many times during the night trying to find a way to rest that eazes the pain.
But in the morning he finaly admitted to needing a pain-shot...and now, thank God ...he is able to rest and sleep for a few hours.

And to think what he has been going through! Man, he is an even greater survivor than me!! We are both stronger than we think!

But this is how our lives look like most of the days...not much happens...most days life consists of tv and painkillers. But then again...there are days that shine! When we can pretend to live a normal life, and forget about pain and drainings an attacs. The days that makes life worth living.

And we have so much to be thankful for. Each other, family, friends, Milla, our nurses, we are truely blessed in so many ways. We live in a rich country were we've been provided for...if we lived in another part of the world I think we both had been dead by now...

I am getting sleepy watching Sander...I think I will get some sleep too until my painkiller wears out in about an hour. I hope you have a great day out there...and know that you are a survivor too...and count your blessings!

Love Ravn.

We are alive!

It has been a while since I last wrote. We have both been been down with a heavy case of broncites, and me ....beeing an astmatic...well, it was not cool at all.

But by now I have survived that, and another draining. So life goes on.
This week spring has come on a short visit. Giving us melting snow and sunshine. February can be so deciteful! Soon the cold will be back and more snow will fall.

No luck in our "Househunt" so far...but we dont rush into it...in time we will find the perfect home.

So this was just to say we are still alive and kicking!

Love Ravn