Stuck in hell....

Sander is right...
I realy have come to the point where I can take it no more...

The last three days has been hell...the morphine did'nt cut the pain
as it used to...and finaly they had to increase it so I could get some sleep.

I am so dead tired now that it feels as if I have been running the marathon
with lead shoes...

Something must change, but what else can they do?
If they stop the draining, I will most likely get an infection again...and this time it might
kill me...

They could remove my prostate, that will stop the infections, but not the pain from my damaged nuts...it will only make me impotent...they could even remove my nuts....but still I would probebly have pain cause the nerves will still be there...and they are so fucked up by now...
So it looks like I am stuck in hell...

Sorry, this blog of mine that was suposed to be about love and life...has became one long complaint about my situasjon...
I can understand why so few bother to read or coment..
It is like dear Firethorn says...there are realy nothing to be said anymore....
Nothing will ever change..

I am stuck in hell...

No more !!!!!

I just had to let the steam out somewhere!!!
We came back from hospital an hour ago
with a Ravn totally worn out from pain.
They did'nt let him of the hook this Monday either.
Fuck them!

We practicaly had to carry him inside and put him to bed.
And that's with a shot of morph in his body!!

He did'nt want me to come inside with him..
But I could tell that he had been crying when he stumbled out.
The Doctor wanted to keep him there for a day or two,
but he flat out refused, and begged us to take him home.
All the way back he was laying in the backseat of Nurse Tims car
with his head in my lap fighting with tears and pain
and repeting "I can't do this anymore,
I realy can't."

And I know it is true. He has come to the edge of what he can take.
Of what it is human possible to take!

I don't know how I can help him, but one thing is for sure.
I am not going to stand back and watch them torture him nomore!
Never!

Sander.

Afterglow...

Making love like it was the last time...

It could be .....at least for awhile...
IF they drain me again tomorow..

IF they do...
I will at least have this...

I will close my eyes and imagin his beautiful face
when I have gotten him to the edge of the cliff...
his body shivering underneath mine...

and the sound of him as he stumbles and falls of....
the sound of love, of life and beeing alive.

He is the one that makes me hold on...he is my Nirvana
my "rainbows end"...my xmas morning....

I love him...

But I am so scared....

Bye-bye xmas...

A day spent on shopping and getting rid of x-mas.

I hate to take down the xmasdecorations...our house seems so bare
and cold afterwards. But then it is kind of nice to get on
with our normal everydaylife again...

Sander,Tim-nurse and me went to the mall to do some shopping
today. It is the January sales now and clothes and stuff are up to 70%
off the normal prices...and Ineeded some new jeans and Sander warm boots
and some new glowes. We ended up buying nothing exept some dvds...
To many people everywhere...and besides Sander was in bad shape...
Oh, he wont admitt of course...but we could tell.

Home again he fell asleep on the sofa upstairs and I
helped Tim to store away the boxes with decorations.

Now it is nighttime and Sander sleeps...I can't...
I worry about Monday...I wonder if the doc's came up with an
alternative to draining every week...
cause I don't think I can bear it anylonger....
I cant go on living only half the time....

but..
if thats what it takes...

Lasse called tonight...he and Arn are coming down in February-
Arn is having his usual control at the hospital.
So Lasse is going to stay with us.
That will be nice...and someting to look forward too :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWDi8nJfGPA&feature=related

The coldest day in my life...

Yes, I survived another Monday...
But the time it takes me to mend is getting
longer and longer...I have spent three days in bed
puking and hurting....fun...

I can't do this every week anymore...or I will have no life left
to speak of. So we'll se what the Docs come up with.

Here in Norway we are having the coldest days in almost 25 years.
This morning we had close to -32c...wich is -26f...
And up longer North were dad lives they had over -40c...brrrrrrrrr

We are keeping close to the fire and we dont go out
unless we have to. Luckyli we have each other
to keep warm in the long winternights..

Love Ravn.

Ouch, my head!

Isn't it refreshing for a change...
that instead of whining about my nuts...
I have a tremendous headache to complain about...

We did have kind of a party yesterday...for our nurses
included Trine who is our nightnurse.
And it is not a very good idea to drink alcohol
when u are on painkillers..
(so Sander says)

Trine is worse of today though...she drank far more than me..

I got some complaines abouth yesterdays blog btw
Saying it is not wise to "out" my brother the way I did.
To my defense: Nobody in Norway reads my English blog...
Norway is not a very homophobic country...and I doubt
that any gayhateing HA anywhere in the world relay reads gay blogs.
So I wont take it away.

Life as gay is mostly ok in Norway. I have been bullied for it,
even beaten up once.
But the stupid dick kicked me in the nuts as well...
with the result that i puked on him!!
Hheheheheh....sweet revenge...
I wont hide my love from anyone or anywhere...
I am gay and proud of it!!!

Besides Sander beat the shit out of the guy later...
and then the poor asshole was so embaressed
that he sort of disapeared from our town.
And he was a pain in the ass to most
people here ...so nobody missed him.

Tomorrow is another hell-Monday...
and I realy dont want to go draining...
But I skipped last week ...so I realy have no choise..
Wish me luck!

Love Ravn.

Brothers and lovers...

I have my love home!

And we had a very nice and quiet newyearseve
with Trine,Simon and Milla... Jan E and a friend of his.
All though Sander and Milla fell asleep
way before midnight on his bed...so cute!

But I realy got something to tell u folks!
Remember the other day?
That I wrote that My brother and his pall
was gonna spend the night?
Well I could'nt sleep...
so in the middle of the night I gave up and went down
to sit in front of my computer for a while.
It is still located in our old bedroom downstairs.

The boys were suposed to be asleep upstairs in the guestrooms,
but when I came down the stairs
I noticed voices coming from the room.
It was clearly the voices of Rein and his friend...
and I stood still outside the door for awhile to listen to them...
and, Hey! What do you know!!! They where clearly
having sex!!!!
The sounds and words that came from behind that door was not
to be mistaken...they where fucking!
They took me compleatly by surprise!!
My brother? A fag??

I went upstairs and in to my room again...
and the next morning...
they pretended to have slept in the guestrooms.....
and I did not know what to say or how to say it.
So I have kept my mouth shut so far...
not sure if it is vise to say what I know.
And I am perhaps a bit hurt too...
cause I think Rein should know that can trust me.
For Petes sake I am gay!!

I have not told anybody but you folks yet...
but I will tell Sander.
He says he is ok again...but tired and a bit down.
And withdrawn the way he often is when he is feeling shitty..