The joys of beeing a bystander.

And so the winter slowly turns towards spring...it is raining. Spring is not normally due until April, but with the rain and all I swear I can almost smell it.

Here in Casa "Ravn and Sander" life goes on...I have spent the better part of last week in hospital after a drainig from hell, and Sander spent almost two weeks in there due to an attack and pain that wouldnt leave. He still hurts...I still hurt. We are two broken toys in this big old toybox called life.

Next week is wintervacation, and Granny is going up to Trondheim to vissit my babysis. Iver (still not ok from the last inflam) will stay with us for the week.
He has not been able to go back to school after xmas yet, and my heart bleeds for him.

Lasse has left us. He and Peter got to rent a flat downtown Oslo, and we don't se much of them theese days. Can't say I blame them. We are no fun to be around. Our 87 years old neighbour has more action in her life than we have.
A year has gone by since Arn died, and we all miss him terribly, and I don't know ...maybe Lasse is rushing in to things. I don't know. I wish him and Peter the best. I just hope it is more than sex thats binding them to each other.

I am once again so goddamned tired and depressed, and I realy can't se no way out of this parodi of a life we are living. The single thing that keeps me hanging in there is Sander, and my love for him...but we are both so run down and tired from winter and constant pain. Nothing is fun anymore. (Sorry for writing this, but it is a sad fackt.)
There is not much joy in beeing a bystander to life. So forgive me for not writing here so often anylonger. I have nothing to write about realy...

Love Ravn.

Almost like real life...

So the winter goes by in our little part of the world. We are seemingly ok. That means we are living almost as other humans. Loving, laughing, beeing...pain still present, but I can cope. It feels like having a break (exept for the drainings)
and I am beeing thankful.

But this week is drain free and I plan to make the most of it. Sander and me made the most delicuos dinner tonight. Pork ribs made Asian style..it was realy good and spicy.
It is (as you know) mainly Sander that does the cooking around here, but I am learning and helping too..we are sort of hooked on Thai-food these days. So good and savory. So tomorrow we will go shopping for some more grocerys and make a Tom Ka Gai soup...mmm. We try to eat healthy, and we try to avoid sugar and most carbs. So no potatoes or tradisjonel bread or pasta in our diet. We make our own, and bake our own bread as well.

Also it is time for me to plan for my loves birthday on February 24th. What shall I give him? How shall we celebrate? I know he would want a trip to the mountains, but he cant ski anymore, and he used to love skiing and snowboarding, so I am not sure it will be a success. He might be depressed instead. What do you think?

But even if things are ok theese days we can't help worrying over Iver. He is down the same road as me it seems. With an infamation that want leave and draining every fourth night, and it reminds me so much of me...of how I was when I was the same age. And I do not want this for him!

A very windy christmas.

I am glad the farm is still standing! We have had the worst storm (hurrycane) in over 30 years. Trees falling, roofs blowing off and elektrisity gone. The coast had the worst wind, but even here trees have gone down and we lost the power for over 12 hours yesterday. I most admit it was somehow cosy to sit by the big kitchenfire and drink mulled wine with candles litt all over the place...reading storys to each other. Very old fashion and xmasy!

It has been great out here, even if i have felt better.Iver and I have spent a great deal of time on the sofas in the livingroom reading and watching tv. Still I have enjoyd myself. I think we all have. Even Lasse says he's had a nice christmas. Him and Sander and me went outside by midnight xmas eve to light a candle in the snow for Arn. It was realy peaceful and beautiful, and Lasse got to cry a bit witch I think did him good.

I am not sure when we will head for home. But we will be home by newyears eve I think. I miss my bed, and I think Lasse will die from hornyness soon if he does'nt get to be with Peter!

At Grannys.

We are installed for the christmas vacation in Grannys house out on the farm. Lasse draw us out there this afternoon. He is spending the hollydays with us. His first christmas without Arn. It is bound to bring back some memorys. I keep thinking it is just as well that Peter is spending the christmas with his family. It will be good for Lasse spending some time without him this christmas I guess.

Oh, maybe I did not tell you about that! Lasse and Peter have been seeing each other fore some time now. At first i thought it was purely sex between them, but after a while it seems like it has grown in to something more serious..and that Peter for the first time in his life will admitt that he is gay. ADT!
He has been living more at our house than in his own apartment lately, and they are talking about getting a place together. I am not sure if this is wise. maybe it is to soon to hop into a new relationship, but Lasse has to decide for himselves.
I think for the first time in his life he is getting all the sex he wants, and I guess he is thrilled!

Out here in the countryside at Grannys...Iver is a bit better (for those who doesnt know he has been back in hospital fighting of another outburst of inflamation.)
He is still in pain, but the fever has gone. I worry a lot over him. because I am afraid he will end upp like me. Dear God! I realy don't wish that for him!

I still hurt a bit from Mondays draining, and I have trouble sleeping before my painkiller kicks inn. Sander is sound asleep beside me. Blond hair spreding out over a blue pillow. He is so beautiful...my love.

Tomorrow it is "little christmas eve" we will decorate the tree and help preparing for the feast on christmas eve. I hope we are going to have a good time. I hope nobody is in pain. I hope nobody ends up in hospital, and I hope all of you out there will have a magic christmas.

I love you all!

Ravn.

Still around!

Yes, I am still alive....amazing realy..

Life goes on and christmas is creeping nearer.Thank God for cybershopping! I couldnt have bought any presents without it. But this year I actually had a lot of fun doing my christmas-shopping on line. Stress and painfree!

Theres no big change in my condition. But the pain is a little less severe, thank God! I am beginning to look forward to christmas at the farm with my family. today we have trimmed the house with christmas decorations and tomorrow we will do the tree. A little late u might think, but actually it is early in Norway where moast people dont decorate their trees until Desember 23. That is because we celebrate christmas until January the 6th...some even for another week! Until the 20th day of christmas! We usuallu take the decorations down on the 6th though..and we like to put them up a bit early so we can enjoy the last week before christmas in peace and quiet.

I am going inn to drain tomorrow. Cant't say i look forward to it, and I hope it will be less rough on me this time. Hopefully I'll be back home Wednesday. Have a great week all you saints and sinners out there!

Love Ravn.

Not verry x-massy!

I have been to hospital again. This time to drain. It took almost a week to recover. If I can even call it that! From earthshanking pain to "only" annoying-I cannot sleep-pain is hardly a recovery. But I am still alive, and I am trying my best to stay that way.

I have nothing to write about realy... our daily life is dull and totaly predictable. Like that of an old married couple.We eat and sleep...we fall asleep in front of the telly. Fun-fun-fun!!

Sander has had some good weeks up until now. But he is back to hurting too, and yesterday the pain-attack came and he is now in hospital. I miss him already. I hate sleeping alone, but at least I can cry without him seeing. Thats kind of a relive.

And the late autumn is damp and grey. Warm for this time of the year. There is little to remind me that x-mas is soon coming up, We have'nt had any snow so far.
So no x-masy feelings at all. Besides I only have one wish for Santa; No pain! That goes for both Sander and me. Just for a week! Even for a day! I'll settle for anything now. I have not had a day without pain for months now...I long for a good nights sleep...a walk in the woods...a night out ...painless lovemaking. I wont ask for anything more, Santa...please..

please...

Ravn.

Nightwatcher...

Late night, and I can't sleep...

I am so tired, but the pain keeps me awake...Sander is asleep. He has been better for for a couple of weeks now. I am so pleased for him! He deserves to breath for awhile. To live a little. Sometimes I think he would be better off without me, but I know deep down that it is not true. He loves me..just as much as I love him.
He is my pride and joy, love and life. He is the reason I stay on this side of the dirt!

I have a full time night nurse this days. With Trine out on maternety leave I need someone to adminster my medication. And another dose of painrelive is still an hour away. Then if am lucky I will get a few hours sleep before hell brakes loose again.

And I worry about Dan. I havent seen him on msn for days now! And I know he cant coment in here...so Dan if u read this....please com on msn and tell me you are fine!

And sweet Firethorne..you always cheers me up. Thank u so much,...thanks to all who reads here. I pray that u will get a good nights sleep.

Love Ravn.